|
July
12, 2001 Jackspade 11:30 am
create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide
Ok. Pittsburgh roads are fucking retarded. Don't even get
me started on the fact that because of the rivers, the city
is laid out in a giant triangle. That's a topic for another
day. Right now I'd like to talk about planning rather than
layout. Streets will end up where they have to because of
topography, but the actual planning and regulation of these
roads is so SCREWED UP here in Pittsburgh that whoever planned
it all out must have been drunk. Drunkity-drunk. Canned. Plowed.
Rum-dum. Thoroughly pickled. Imagine if you will, and I imagine
that an illustration would help, a street in Pittsburgh that
would take you from the general area of CMU toward South Oakland.
You are traveling swiftly along this cheery 2-way street,
when, out of nowhere, there is a planter. And I don't mean
a little round thing with a shrub in it. I mean a giant fucking
forest-sized garden, with a statue in it, benches, a couple
bums camping out and a parking lot around the edges. IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE ROAD! "Evasive maneuvers everyone!! Hang
on! After screeching around the road, dodging this alcoholics
hallucination come to life, you continue across a bridge (More
on bridges another day) where you will suddenly come upon
a traffic light. "All right," you think, "Now
that's odd, first, a national park in the road, now a traffic
light where there's no street...and therefore absolutely no
reason for me to sit here waiting at a red light when THERE
IS NO CROSS-STREET!" But I digress.
After waiting at the light red light for approximately 35
minutes for exactly zero people to use the crosswalk and about
1500 cars to back up impatiently behind you, the light finally
turns green, and before you move your foot from the brake
to the gas, every car behind you leans on his/her horn, and
hangs out the window screaming, "Hey asshole! What shade
of green you waiting for??" So you hurriedly pull out,
only to come upon...that's right! Another fucking planter!!
This one's triangular, and also right in the middle of the
street. Not as big as the other one though. Only about the
size of a swimming pool. But the really great thing about
this planter? It marks one of the real marvels of Bourbon
planning. The "Forty Foot One-Way"! This street
is literally one way for 40 feet. OK, fine, I'm exaggerating.
It's more like 50 feet. So you have to take a detour around
the fucking block, burning more gas that you paid for, wasting
your valuable time, because some drunk fucker decided to make
this street one way for precisely the distance he can throw
his empty bourbon bottle, then make it magically change it's
mind again, and turn back into a two way street. So you drive
a grudging half mile out of your way, stop at 3 extra stop
signs, and waste 10 minutes of your life, wandering around
the streets of Oakland, trying to find your way back to the
slum where you live.
And why is this detour necessary? Because Mayor McBourbon
wanted one more planter in the street. The game-lands up the
block wasn't enough, he had to have one more planter, so that
some squat little clumps of petunias or daisies could wither
and die from the choking fumes of exhaust that they are subject
to because they are planted in the middle of a fucking road.
Tough life for those flowers, and a tough life for the poor
sap who drives through this area and assumes that just because
a street starts in one direction it continues that way. God
help 'em.
July
4, 2001 Hanlomba 10:23 pm
Okay,
so I suck yet again. I've been busy. Sue me, or something.
Actually, I'm on this new diet/workout plan. The goal of it
is to help me gain weight. I'm skinny, in case you didn't
know. But the ladies love me. Or not. Well anyway, I'll be
on this program for the next 12 weeks, afterwhich I'll post
a complete diary of the whole ordeal, complete with pictures.
I can see you foaming at the mouth with anticipation already.
Wish me luck! And to all of you guys from skinnyguy.net, keep
up the work. And "14 Year Old" if you're reading
this, STOP! You're too young! hehe.
June
7, 2001 Hanlomba
2:40 am
Wow,
I'm a slacking bitch. Okay, all done with being a flight attendant.
Now on to greener (read: money) pastures. I'm back waiting
tables at Flat Top Grill. Now it's time for the big bucks
to start rolling in. Hawaii was amazing. We took a bunch of
pics and I'll put them somewhere on the site. I think a redesign
is coming sometime soon, too. Once again, that'll be after
I get off of my ass. I've been making this site with software,
but I think it's high time I learn this stuff the way it's
supposed to be done. I have so much time on my hands that
I might as well, eh? All right then, I'm gonna get learnin.
Or I just may go to sleep. Yes, sleep it is. Learning tomorrow...or
the next day.
May
1, 2001 Hanlomba 11:26 pm
All
right, let's see...the great(and not so great) job search
has begun. I think I'm going to get into bartending next.
Unless I can find a job waiting tables that pays hundereds
and hundreds of dollars a night. But hey, it could happen.
You know what pisses me off? Not having any money. Nothing
puts me in a fouler mood than that. I need MONEY! I need CASH!
I wish I could get paid for staring at my computer screen,
playing Quake on occasion, but that ain't gonna happen. So I'm going for an interview
now. Wish me luck or fuck you. Not really. Oh, went to this
chick's site. She's pretty funny.
April
26, 2001 Hanlomba 12:13 pm
Wow,
talk about slacking! I'm a piddly excuse for a webmaster,
I know. Eat me. So, there's actually been a lot going on in
my world. Lets see if I can sum it up. I seem to be focused
on two things lately: Money and boobs, neither of which do
I have. Perhaps that is why I dwell on them so. I mean, sure,
I could go to a bar and pick up the first chick I see that
shows some spark of interest in me, but that wouldn't work
for me. Okay, it WOULD work if I were drunk, but it wouldn't
work for very long. I've decided that I want (shudder) a girlfriend.
I think the time has come for me to slough off the coils single-hood.
This is where the other focus of mine comes in. TO have a
girlfriend, you must have money. Now, I'm not saying that
women are money hungry bitches that are going to suck you
dry or anything, but if I do have this imaginary object of
my affection, I would want to be able to do...things...with
her. As much fun as I have playing Quake and chatting online,
I doubt she'd want to do that on a regular basis. Plus, it
would probably be a good thing to remove my ass from in front
of this evil, evil machine. As such, I will be quitting as
a flight attendant. I love the job, and the benefits are awesome
(How many people do you know that can fly to Hawaii for $25??)
but the pay just isn't keeping me alive. So I've decided to
take a job waiting tables at some richy rich place. It's either
that or prostitute myself on a corner...but then there's the
whole matter of finding a good corner and all, plus I think
the majority of my takers would be gay men, which just wouldn't
work. Well anyway, buttsex aside, I'll be quitting next month.
By
the way, I got a whole lot of pictures back and I'm going
to get them scanned so that I can make a neat-o layout for
the "the man, the myth" section, since as of yet,
there is nothing there. Expect that in the next few days.
April
4, 2001 Hanlomba 2:47 pm
I've realized
that my parents were right. Most of the times that I argued
so passionately with them, I was wrong. They knew what they
were talking about, and I was the raving idiot/asshole that
I accused them of being. My father blatantly called me an
asshole once. I was about 17 at the time and the only thing
I could think was, "What a horrible thing to say to your
child." I didn't really think about whether I was, in
fact, an asshole or not.
I now believe that there is a certain amount of wisdom that
comes with growing older.
When I
was a teenager I thought that I was exceedingly intelligent
and that I was every bit as capable as any adult of thinking
rationally. But while I was intelligent, I lacked experience.
Now there are those of you out there that are saying, "Well,
I went through a lot as a child, so that doesn't apply to
me. I've lived plenty." I don't think so. Granted, I've
lived a relatively tame life, but there is a difference between
having a lot happen to you and having experienced life through
time. There is more to the world than the trauma that has
been/will be inflicted upon you. You are more than the sum
of your pain.
I realize
with each passing year how much I differ from the year before.
I WAS wrong when I was a teenager. I DIDN'T know what I was
talking about. I DID grow out of it.
So for all of the angst ridden teens, although you may be convinced
that most of the adults out there are out to get you and that
your parents are full of shit, give them a chance. I've gone
drinking with your parents, I've dated your teachers. They're
not as bad as you think they are.
March
29, 2001 Hanlomba - 11:51 am
This
is some
funny shit
March
28, 2001 Hanlomba - 11:10 am
Okay,
so yes, I became a lazy ass once more and didn't update for
a year and a day. But since I've noticed that one or two people
are actually coming to the page now, I figured they deserve
some content for their hard earned clicks. I was in Catania,
Sicily a couple of weeks ago. Now, I know what you're thinking.
Sicily = Mafia. Well, I can only honestly say that I probably
saw 2 mafia members while there. They were in a silver Jaguar
driving through the pedestrian only area, located in the city
where The Godfather 2 was supposedly filmed. Neat stuff, eh?
Not really. On to other rants. Women. I've always considered
myself a nice guy. Now I've seen the light. I'm scum. I'm
every asshole guy out there that I pretend that I'm not. I
just don't let it manifest as much as the rest of the men.
So what is the defining difference between a nice guy and
an asshole? I think it's one of two things: fear or alcohol.
When I'm stone sober, the things I can resist doing are staggering.
I could have a hot woman with a hand down my pants and mouth
to my lips and I could still say no to her (of course, I have
no basis for this statement, but I welcome the opportunity
to see if I would stick to my guns). I have found myself in
situations where the difference between having a one night
stand/3 way are simply saying "yes" or walking away.
What do I do? This is where fear comes in. Things like that
scare the shit out of me. Whereas most natural born assholes
would be in that bed faster than a greased bullet, I would
be standing there dumbfounded. And THAT'S where alcohol comes
in. So now all I need is to be drunk when someone offers.
Timing is the key. My timing sucks.
March
9, 2001 Hanlomba
- 8:28 pm
Wow,
it's been a long assed time since I updated. Such is a flight
attendant's life. Okay, I'm just a lazy ass and I can't get
off of said lazy ass to update once in a while, even when
I spend half of my time in front of the computer anyway. Let's
see, Ireland was really fun...but a word about Ireland. Never
have I seen such ugly people. I mean wow. I thought that the
United States had it rough, but I'd have to say that about
half of the people that I saw over there are tragically nasty.
In all fairness, though, it seemed that the older that the
people got, the nastier they became. The young women were
cute, mostly, if not illegal (at least by our standards) and
the young men I would guess are passable, too. But it seemed
that as soon as they hit that 30 year mark, the shit hit the
ugly fan. So, my advice to young Irish people is this: Get
out. Get out now while you still can. Come to America and
be cute in my room. Peace.
January
31, 2001 Hanlomba - 11:14 am
Went
to Daign.com
today and read all about these sites that were posting pictures
of underaged girls who posed in front of their web camera.
I'd just like to say to all of the people who are defending
these sites, "You deserve to be smacked in the face with
a whale dick." What the hell is wrong with you people?
To say that posting naked pictures of 12 year old girls is
right is well...wrong. Yes, you may argue that they took the
pictures of their own accord, but honestly, do you remember
what you were like when you were 12? Pretty fucking stupid,
I'd wager. I know I was. I didn't know my ass from a hole
in the ground. And I bet that when I'm 30 I'll think I was
stupid now that I'm 23. The point is, as willing as the girls
may be to put their pictures up on the net, they don't fully
know what they're getting into. You know, and I know it. So
stop taking advantage you sick fucks.
January
30, 2001 Hanlomba - 7:00 pm
I
guess I figured that after 5 days up, I should actually put
a bit of content on the page. Of course, I don't really have
anything particularly interesting to write about, so I'll
write about everything. And nothing...man that was deep. The
other day I heard an audio clip of Britney Spears cursing
up a storm. Although I can't claim to be the avid hater of
Britney that everyone else can, I never really have thought
of her as a real person before. She's always been this enigma
to me, though. Should I think of her as hot? If I do, does
it make me a dirty old man, even though I'm only 4 years older
than her? Legally, no it doesn't. Morally, I'm not so sure.
I mean, what makes the one second difference between 17 and
18 the defining difference in maturity? I think I'm just as
much a pervert for thinking a girl is hot when she has 1 minute
left in her "I'm an innocent teenager" 17th year
as in her "I'm a woman of the world and I can fuck who
I want, when I want" 18th year. But maybe that's just
me. Anyway, I digress. Britney cursed. And she became human.
In my book, nothing makes someone more human than fucking
up and then having the entire world know about it. With most
of us, that "entire world" bit is just figurative.
Oh no, not with Britney. When she has kids their friends will
be talking about the time when she said something was "fucking
retarded" for all the world to hear. God Bless you Britney...I
still think you're hot, even if you have a mouth like a sailor.
Even more so probably. See ya at the bars.
|
