Real News: Herman Golly's Funeral & the Arrest of Phil the Janitor

         Maupin, OR.  Today in Herman Golly's home town, his family & friends are here to pay their respect to Herman outside the Sunnyside insane Asylum Pet Cemetary, were Herman had requested to be buried right next to his Cat MR. Kitty, which died in 1929.  In a related topic Phil the Janitor was arrested eariler for the shooting death of Herman and the shooting of LNN's present owner Henry King, in which he is now in a coma.  He was sentenced to 2 life sentences to live with Lee Baggot and her Hippy caravan.  This Punishment could cause anyone to go Stark Raving MAD!

Celebrity Chat w/ James Christiansen
"Series Premiere, Guest: Ron Stevens

     Well this is a very good event because  this is the season premiere of the all new column Celebrity Chat, with me James Christiansen.  Fidel quit last season so we thought we would have another Chat, although it will never be as popular as Commy/Cuba Chat.  Also Before Henry was shot he cancelled my show, it could be that I only made 5 issues and the rest were reruns.  Today's very first guest is the owner of LNN Ron Stevens, or rather ex-owner.  Well Ron How have you been? Ron" Well other than losing a good friend, and my newsletter, I guess Pretty Good, but I have something to say."  Ok I guess we can handle that, go on. Ron " This issue of the Lee Norris Newsletter will be my final Issue, barring nothing goes wrong." Why? Ron " I really am getting sick of people." Well I suppose that is good, but what about the newsletter? Ron " I retained 2% of my original shares of LNN, and Herman Left me his 30% so I figured that I would leave them to someone responsible, so they are going to.................fidel Castro....although he quit he said he would be honored to take them." Why him? Ron " well you have Bobot's and Henry has mine, so I thought it was fair, GoodBye!"  Well that's just great, I was hoping he would give them to me so I could run the Newsletter, now who's gonna do it?
 

Unlikely Owner of LNN

     Oregon City, OR Today  Henry King's living Will/Coma Will was read  and a shocking person was left in charge.  A local man attempting to be a big movie star, named Wally Kugeean.  His is a complete failure & the best reason that I can come up with is that  he is Henry King's Brother & that they are both losers, But I had better shut up because I might get fired.

Great Things is Scotish History
Series Premiere: The Spoon

         Unlike what my predecessor to this column said, the ever so stupid Dom Findobo, said the spoon was created in Scotland by Sherman McDuffey in the late 18th century aeh!  When he found out that something like the spoon would help to eat soup and Gut goats and sheep to make hash in their intestines.  Then Britain and AMARICA took the design and left us with nothing,  YOU NOBCARPS!

The Art of Sculpting Creamed Baked Beets
Season Premiere: Longest Running Unchanged Column

 Welcome to the Season V or 5 Premiere to the art of.....column, this is the 4th year in syndication.  Today we will be talking about Sculpting Creamed Baked Beets, the best way to sculpt the beets is to mash them into a paste, then begin to mush between your fingers and hair, then mold an deat your fingers, I mean your hair-soiled product.  Just as a note this column will have a new name as of the next issue, which will have a new look also, the new name is SCULPTATIONS! KEEP READING.

Ads
Brand Spanken' New Ads of the 5th Season

For Sale:  One big ugly Cow, once                         Help Wanted: Midgets for
used for a highway divider, crash test                       car motor pistons. Shinibart
Dummy, and Lee Baggot Bus Tire.                          only uses all natural product
"Betty's" needs a good home, and                            & people, also need greasy
would make oh so tasty Bacon Milk                         mexicans for oil in the Mid-
The only catch is you cannot eat her.                        gets/pistons, if interested
If interested contact Jubs Flatery at                          contact Ron Stevens @
1-(289) 943-8783.                                                 1(800) BuYtRaSh

Announcement: Henry King was shot                      IRS: Internal Revenue Ser-
and the legendary Herman Golly was                        vice has just released a new
killed suppossedly by the great Phil                          budget for needed things
The Janitor.  He was arrested but he                        around the U.S. $2 million
is the only one who can solve the                             to move an old lighthouse,
mystery of the shooting.  And you                           $50 million to wash a new
can help free Phil, just contact the StJ                      car and $5.00 for the Res-
"Save the Janitor" website @ http                            earch for the cure to AIDS.
http:www.savephil/StJ/224/kitty/
BANG!!!