Real News: Stevens Attacks Ontario, CA.

             Ontario, Canada. In a shocking turn of events, Dictator/ President Stevens has taken Ontario, Canada in just his first month in office.  Chicken and U.S. Armies alike stormed ontario and destroyed Canada's tank, but the Canadians destroyed and ate most of the 5,000 chicken soldiers in the first 2 minutes of the "kill Canada" offensive.  Although the United States' techical abilities are far superior to Canada's, the Canadians have far more civilian support and people that will fight the U.S.  I myself am not sure why headquarters sent me to this horrible place, for one reason I absolutely hate Canada and another Dictator Stevens threatened to destroy LNN and everyone involved in it's production.  Anywho it seems the United States has been embroiled in another war and I believe we all should....U.S. Soldier " Mr. John Q. Bobeck you are under arrest for war crimes against the great nation of America, foremost the production of the Lee Norris Newsletter." WHAT! I don't think so....Soldier " Come with Us." no........catch me if you can...Soldier "He's running shoot him.  bang ching" ACK, that hurt!
 

Fifi's New Show Causing a Stur in America

           Over the last few days the popularity of the Television show Fifi's Happyland  has skyrocketed.  Adults have also begun to watch this intoxicating show.   I myself will not watch this show, it contains to much evil.  I believe that this show's is trying to take over the world like Bill Gates and his evil minions, not to mention the Chicken Empire.  This show must be destroyed by any means necessary that means I, Leann Crandell, will destroy this show with my Destroy the Sun cult.  This show is pure 100% evil and must be destroyed .  No I won't shut up so don't tell me what to say. I hate you all yo caused me to get kidnapped by Dom WHAT? you can't fire me I'll have my revenge.
 

fidel's Funny Monkey

           Ah I am back writing from the grand Cuba, where elian is back we beat the U.S. finally we got the boyand even the new dictator/ President Stevens cannot win against the Great Communist war.  Panama cannot destroy us nor can the United States of Crap.  Anyway to get back to what I actually started this column about.  If Dictator Stevens attempts to destroy LNN Cuba will declare war against the United States fighting right along side Canada.  ( BAng BANg) WHAT IS THAT? Soldier " Premier Castro you are under arrest for war crimes" OH great deja vu.

Call to Arms

 We have brought all of our old still living  columnists and allies to destroy President and end the chicken threat once and for all.  We brought back Andrea Bonaparte, Jack lyn PoPo, and even the infamous Henry King, Henry " Thanks" Andrea " Shut up Henry I hate you" Henry " Your just mad that I fired you" Andrea " You did not fire me I quit."   Shut up both of you, anyway we have come together to destroy Dictator Stevens. "BEEP BEEP" Secretary Marylou " Mr. James, President Stevens is on line one and wishes to speak with you." WHAT! I'll take it...

 on the phone...
 Hello Mr. Stevens what can this establishment do for you?   Dictator " I wish to speak to you about this situation we have   on our hands" You mean the one where you want to destroy   us..D.S."Well yes I guess you could put is that way, but I have  a very good solution that will work to both our benefit, I want  you to meet me at 205 West Haveranti Ave in Branson,  Missouri in 4 hours."  You don't think I would actually go   there just so you could arrest me and etc. do you? D.S. " Well I  think you will or your friends will die," WHAT! who do you   have? D.S. "oh just John Bobeck and fidel Castro" I'll be there." "good"