Real News: Cuba Attacks Panama, Panama Declares War!
Panama City, Panama, Today shocking events have unfolded between the waring countries of Cuba and Panama. Cuba at 0300 military time or 3:00am friday morning engaged panama's navy outside of the Panama Canal and destroyed 4 battleships, 3 destroyers, 1 aircraft carrier and 300 tugboats, unfortunately 35 cats were killed in the attack. After the news of the deaths of the cats Panama declared full and unrestricted war against facist and communist Cuba. Cuba's Premiere' fidel Castro had this to say, fidel " Panama threatened to attack Cuba, so we took the first strike, and the Panama Canal shall be mine" Well so much for peace in the 21st century!
Celebrity Chat w/ James Christiansen
"Guest: The Rock"
Hello and welcome to another grand segment of the great Celebrity Chat, I am your host James W. Christiansen. Today we will be talking with the one and only " the Rock" From WWF wrestling company. Hello "the Rock" How are you today? The Rock " I am fine, but I would like you to call me by my real name, Wayne." Whatever "Rock", is it hard being such a great wrestler? The Rock" NO.....and I want you to call me wayne" Whatever like I said before, what do you think about the the war between Cuba and Panama? the Rock" You know what, I don't like you so I am leaving." Don't Leave "the Rock" "STOP CALLING ME THAT, THAT'S PILE DRIVER ON YOU! Alright this is James C. and I'm ouuuuch being assaulted by the Rock "CALL ME WAYNE" so I will leave you with that.
The Art of Sculpting Algae
Hello and welcome to another sculpting column with the great Andrez
Muesky. The best way to sculpt algae is to add butter to the algae
and begin turning the mixture on your scultping table and begin to
mold. About 3 days into the sculpting add some crocodile dung to
add flavor. When 8 weeks have passed than begin to mold into the
shape of what you want. When you are finished you should be molding
the essence of me being that I am the only one to have a column that
has lasted 5 years. You should honor me, all of you should honor
me.
The Real McCoy
Overthrowing the Enemy, part
II
Today we will be talking about ways to overthrow an enemy with tactical
superiority over your army. The best way to do so is to use Guerrilla
Warfare, that way you can do whatever you want to win and winning is the
only thing important, not lives. The best way is to hide and ambush
the other army and cheat. That is the most fun thing to do.
Well that is the last thing I have to say this issue, next issue I will
be talking about how to wim an even fight.
Cubism
"Special Commentary from
fidel Castro"
Hello, yes it is me the great fidel Castro, I am back, by special request by Ron Stevens before he left and James Christiansen asked me to explain the Panama/Cuba War. Yes it is true we attacked Panama first, but that Panama Canal should be ours. The only reason we didn't get the canal is because " we weren't good enough" well screw the U.S., I'm goin' home.
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Announcement: Henry King was shot
IRS: Internal Revenue Ser-
and the legendary Herman Golly was
vice has just released a new
killed suppossedly by the great Phil
budget for needed things
The Janitor. He was arrested but he
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is the only one who can solve the
to move an old lighthouse,
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can help free Phil, just contact the StJ
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earch for the cure to AIDS.
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BANG!!!