Excerpted from the Healing Spirits Updates Newsletter:

My goodness, it feels like ten years ago! As you've been aware, court was today. I regret that I am unable to update my site, as Geocities Page Builder is failing to load on anybody's account. I will tell you what you have missed: In my Story Update, I've written about how I've had a sustained increase of adrenalin. I kept wondering when that would end. It ended five days later: last night. I suddenly got very tired, and was fascinated that I had been able to stay on high alert for so long! It was no wonder that I had been eating so much, I had to fuel the adrenalin somehow! You would also be amazed at how much gum I chewed through in the last couple of days! You know those big 40 paks of gum? Well I went through a few of them! I had already decided to go to bed early last night. I wanted to be sure that I was well rested enough to not zone out on the stand. People also don't deal with things as well when they are tired. As I lay with my baby, putting him to sleep, I suddenly dropped off to no-man's land. I had had every intention of getting back up to finish my plate of food, but exhaustion took over. I wonder how long it will be before I've recovered and am rested? I woke up this morning with mounting panic. My God! Something's wrong! It's too light out! It's too quiet! WHAT TIME IS IT????? I got up and ran out of the room with baby in arms, and saw that it was 8:30. ACK! I was supposed to meet my counselor at 8:50! I ran over to my husband who was playing on the computer, not yet dressed for the day, and plunked the baby in his lap. "Oh my God! We have only half an hour!" And off I ran, leaving my husband to call out in astonishment, "Half an hour! But don't we have to be there at 11?" Eleven! Where on earth did he get THAT one! So after yelling the correct court time to him from across the house, as that was where I was already, I started darting in and out of rooms, trying to remember where I had put my dress pants away. It had been at least two years since I'd worn them, what-with the pregnancy and all. Oh sure, I knew where my maternity dress pants were, but that was going to do me little good today! I finally found them, and being made of rayon, they were nicely wrinkled. I dug a path through our spare room to the ironing board, and removed the boxes that were piled on top. By then I was hyperventilating, and was somewhat gasping for air. I had to keep telling myself to breath, and to remind myself to calm down, I can do it. I managed to get the iron set to the right setting, and as I held the iron in one hand, and my pants in the other, I realized that I no longer knew what to do! I was completely dumbfounded! I ran back out of the room, and told my husband that I needed him to do it. By the time we got to the counselor's, it was 9:25. I still had to run up and get her, and walk over to the courthouse by 9:30! I ran upstairs, and my counselor was sitting at the reception desk, talking on the phone, and laughing at my obvious panic. She got off the phone and told me to go into he office and sit a while. I protested, saying it was 9:30, and that's when I had to be at court! She just laughed, told me to relax, and told me to sit a while. She said I needed to breath and to calm down, and that we had plenty of time. She said that it is all just one big waiting game when we get there anyway. As I sat there, I tried unsuccessfully to invoke some sort of Zen thing, or something. I was trying to calm myself and get into the zone, and to keep my sense of humour too. I had already given up and moved on, when all of a sudden a feeling of calm took over. It came out of nowhere! I tried in vain to figure out the source of my peace. It wasn't directly from my spirit, I had been too troubled for that. It didn't feel like it was directly from God either. I finally turned to the tree in her office, and blamed it for my calm. I knew this was wrong too, however, because I always have to concentrate on nature to get that feeling of peace, and I had not done so. Still, I chose to accept that as an explanation, and let it go. I got the counselor's permission to scoff her box of Kleenex, and off we went. We joined my husband and baby outside, and met my mom at court. From there we went down to Victim Witness, where we made ourselves comfortable. I immediately grabbed a few of their suckers as insurance against my blood sugar dropping, as it has done before in times of stress. I took that time to relax and enjoy my baby. I nursed him in the little waiting room, and thanked God for the beautiful little gift he's given me, and for making nursing have a calming effect on both mother and baby. It really helped to be doing something so completely normal and natural. When he was done, we played with his toys, as the staff all marveled at his beauty. It helped that he was also dressed for court in a little suit and tie. :0) I was still hoping that the defense was still playing the waiting game, and hoping that I would back out last minute and not show up. It was my hope that when they saw me, they would give up and plead guilty. We were called up to the courtroom, and I had to take a big breath as they opened those mammoth wooden doors to the courtroom. I reminded everybody that we had to sit to the left, and proceeded directly to the pews. It felt so weird to be there. So unreal. Words cannot express what it's like to be testifying against your own father. We had barely sat down, when the Crown came over to speak with us. He told us that my father had made his intentions known to plead guilty. I would not have to testify. He told me that the matter would be put over till Wednesday, where he would be getting a date. He wanted to have time to talk to his lawyer. I am still unclear as to whether or not he pled guilty in front of the judge today, or if that will be later at his new date. His plea is not official until spoken in front of the judge. Maybe his lawyer was not there today? they did tell me that the defense lawyer was mighty sick. In any event, for all intents and purposes, I won. I forced myself to smile, as that was expected of me. I shook hands with the Crown, and thanked him politely, and then we left the courtroom, no longer needing to be there. My father and I sort of caught a glimpse of each other out of the corner of our eyes, neither one of us wanting to face the other. I couldn't help but wonder how it felt for him. I knew his fiancée would be filled with hate, but that didn't interest me. I had to seriously fight the urge to wave and smile and say hi. As I tried to share this urge to greet my father with the people who surrounded me outside the courtroom, one of them mistakenly jumped the gun and decided that it was about gloating. She laughed and said, "Yah! He'll never get to see his grandchild!" I cringed. That was such a hurtful comment to make. It was hurtful and sad that they would never know each other. It doesn't matter what my dad did, a child's loss of relationship with their family is never something to gloat about, but rather to be mourned. We all went back to the Victim Witness waiting room and gathered our coats, and I was handed the form for the Victim Impact Statement. It is now law that the statement has to be read by the judge before sentencing. We all parted ways after that, and as my husband and I traveled home in the truck, I couldn't help but feel sad. I came home and locked myself in my room for at least a good hour and cried. The depth of sadness I felt went beyond that of any I ever felt even in the death of a loved one. I finally came out of my room, and cried some more. Finally the tears stopped flowing. It is a very sad thing to be charging your father. It is a very sad thing to be closing the door on a relationship. My inner child will always cry out for a father who will never come. I don't know if that will ever end. But at least I have closure now. I've been validated, and I no longer carry the burden of his actions. I am no longer made to be responsible, to suffer the consequences of his actions. I have given that all back to him. I still have to deal with some of the effects of being abused, but the burden of his guilt is no longer there. That is no longer mine. I know many of you will not understand, but I will always love my father. I have had moments of shear hatred for my father, but I think that underneath the hatred, is the pain born of love abused, a love that a child will always have for a parent.

Dear Diary: Today I am a woman. I had thought that getting married would do it. Then I thought for sure that giving birth, and motherhood would do it. Neither event made me truly feel like I'd joined the ranks of the adults. It's weird, but I suddenly feel so adult now. Not old, I've been feeling that for years. as a matter of fact, I can't remember a time where I was not far older than my years. This is different. I feel the way I saw adults to be. Confident, mature (in a different way), capable, and self-reliant. And I'm not entirely certain, but I think I feel whole. They say that there are stages of development, and that if the needs of a particular stage are not met, an individual cannot truly move on to the next. I think that today those needs have been met. I have the right to be safe. I have the right to be loved. I have the right to say no. I have the right to set boundaries. I have the right to be believed. Now I am permitted to be a woman. My inner child no longer has a need to scream out, to hold on. Now my inner child can take her rightful place in my life, and allow me to live that life to the fullest. I am forever transformed.

I can finally see the abuse through adult eyes. He was an adult. He had promised to be my father and to take care of me. Instead of honouring and cherishing my love and trust, he discarded them. He used his position of power not to protect me, but to harm me. He knew what he was doing. It was planned. The abuse was deliberate, and he was very persistent in carrying out that abuse. It was not a one time thing, it merely changed forms. It was not an accident, nor was it caused by evil spirits in our home. It was not forgivable. He has no remorse. I no longer need to make excuses for him. Seeing the abuse through adult eyes is strange, but liberating. As a human being, and as a mother, I find it incomprehensible that an individual can plan and carry out such vile acts. Thank God I will never understand.

It was all worth it. If you can survive the waiting game, and show up to tell your truth and reclaim your rights, it is worth it. I do not, however, recommend doing this alone. It was tough. If you make this decision for yourself, I highly suggest having a counselor that you trust, and a support system in place. The saddest day of my life? Sure. Would I do it all over again? You bet. But I'm glad that I don't have to. :0)