November 7th... Sentencing?

Wow.  Yesterday was sentencing. I was asked to write a Victim Impact Statement.  This is a document that you create that tells how the crime has affected your life... your well-being... those around you.  In Canada, by law the judge must read this statement before making any sentencing decisions.  Some people told me I had to write this in order for me to get closure.  I tried to force myself, but in the end, I chose not to.  Had they given it to me before the plea, I would have gladly written it.  But seeing as they had given it to me after the plea, it just seemed not only pointless, but like it would be beating it into the ground.  I got my closure.  I got what I was looking for.  My Dad would now have a plea of guilty, and would finally be made accountable for his own actions.  I had been validated by the justice system.  This is important to me, because it is very hard to twist the facts when the justice system is involved.  Can he really tell anyone that it didn't happen?  That I am just making it up? Can  he really say he was forced or tricked into pleading guilty, but that he is really innocent?  No, he cannot.  His defense lawyer would never allow such unfair practices.  I have been set free.  I must say, however, that the phone call I got from Victim Witness kinda shocked me.  He is going to jail for three months.  Ouch!  That's gotta suck! I was told that he probably wouldn't be getting any time at all, just community service.  I find myself feeling sick, and not wanting to think about it.  I sent my own dad to jail.  That was not my intent.  I don't see how jail time will do much other than "punish" him.  If I had had my way, he'd be showing up for research everyday.  He'd have to put in so many hours a day, just reading, researching sexual abuse, and the long-term and short term effects it has on the victim.  I would make him write a great big long dissertation detailing all these effect, and then to apply that to what he's done.  i.e.:  he'd have to write about how what he's done to me has affected me, both from what he already knows, and also from what he thinks may have happened to me, long term and short term, based on what he's learned.  This would be done in a specific location, overseen by some court appointed official, so as to be sure he didn't just get someone else to do it for him.   I feel this would be far more effective than jail.  He goes to jail, he serves his time, it's over.  He's learned nothing.  *sigh*  Oh well. He also has a curfew, and has to be inside from 9pm to 6am.  What's more, he's not permitted to communicate with me in any fashion, and has a 20 foot? restraining order, as well as not being permitted on my property or workplace.  I have to tell myself that it's ok for him to go to jail.  It's ok to put your own dad in jail.  I don't believe myself.  IL am sure there are many of you who are reading this, and maybe even talking, or even yelling at your computer screen.  Saying things like, "What do you mean???  Of COURSE it's ok!!  That @#$#@$%$ should PAY for what he's done!"  Or even, "He should have gotten worse!"  There was a time when I would agree, when I would get very angry, and dream up tortures or my own version of "justice" for people like him.  But I don't anymore.  I don't feel rage anymore.  I feel sad, and I also feel sick, as I am now finally capable of seeing my abuse through adult eyes.  Bewilderment at it all.  How could he?  How could anybody?  I look at my children often and ask myself these things.  I have no answers, and know that even if I do have an answer in there, my brain refuses to go to such a dark place.  But even with sentencing, comes relief.  It's over.  It's over.  It's over.  It's about time.

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