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The Pain of Loneliness

by Traute Klein, biogardener

Deprived of acceptance by his mother, a boy creates a world of his own out of which he is unable to break as an adult. Even in old age, he is able only to funtion in a world of fantasy, the world of a narcissist.

Unhappy Marriage

Ken was born out of wedlock. The family excommunicated Patricia when her pregnancy became apparent, and Ken's paternal grandparents took in mother and child. Patricia eventually married the father, mainly because she had nowhere else to turn, but she never forgave her husband for her misfortune. She spent the rest of her life trying to get back into her family's good graces, and in the process she lost her self-esteem and the love of the only people whom she had, her husband and child.

Patricia was too busy trying to gain back what she had lost to think about building on what she had. She did not accept the love of her husband. He, instead of working for a solution, embraced his loneliness, shut himself away with his work and his television set, and smoked himself into an early grave.

Patricia continued her rejection of Ken to the day of her death. She went so far as to write him out of her will, leaving her estate to the family who had never forgiven her and who had done nothing for her except reject her.

Childhood Rejection

Being the only child, Ken should have been the apple of his mother's eye, but she was too intent on pleasing her unforgiving family to notice her son's need for her acceptance. She allowed him to be humiliated by her family who openly referred to him as "the bastard."

So Ken never experienced the unconditional love of a mother. He watched his uncommunicating parents living side by side in loneliness. He was ridiculed by his cousins and ignored by his aunts and uncles.

Being a bright boy, he created his own little universe where no one could hurt him and where he was in control. That became his world for life.

Success and Failure

As Ken was growing up, his studies and his work became the center of his life. There he was able to find fulfilment and success. He associated with his peers at school, at university, and at work, but he was unable to developed lifetime friendships. He got married soon after graduation from university, but his wife left him when she was unable to cope with the loneliness of life with a man in love only with his work.

The failure of his marriage left him unable to cope at work, and the result was an emotional collapse. The medical profession had no answers, because they did not understand the problem.

Finding a Soul Mate

Then he met Bonnie, the woman who had everything which he lacked in his life, a supportive family, an outgoing personality, and the ability to make and keep friends easily. And she was unattached.

He was instantly drawn to her and after several years of courtship, they were married. Within a short time, the depression gave way to a happy smile, and friends and relatives credited Bonnie with performing a miracle by taking 15 years off her husband's clock. They also commented that he appeared to be less self-centered and less critical of the weaknesses of others.

Happy Ending?

So is this the happy ending to a sad story?

Unfortunately, Ken's change was only superficial. Inside, he was still unable to accept the love which was offered to him, because it demanded committment, and that was something which he had never experienced. Since birth, he had not been close to family, relatives, or friends, nor had he felt their loving support. He was unwilling or unable to meld into Bonnie's family, although they welcomed him with open arms. He eventually created a protective wall of haughtiness around himself and remained as lonely as ever.

The Pain of Loneliness

Bonnie has never given up on this man, although she is suffering unspeakable emotional abuse.

Ken, unable to submit to the intimacy of love, has spent his marriage looking for sex in all the wrong places. He is now a lonely man who is no longer able to impress gullible young women locally, because his reputation in the community is too well known. He is now deriving his sexual and emotional fulfilment in cyber-relationships with women for whom he has painted a glowing picture of himself.

Bonnie is still by his side. In spite of years of betrayal, she continues to forgive him, but he does not feel the need for forgiveness, considering himself entitled to multiple relationships. Bonnie feels a deep need to help Ken out of the bondage of his loneliness, and she has never considered the possibility of looking for love elsewhere.

She has, however, become afraid to show her love. Both Ken and Bonnie are lonely. Both are in pain.

Can Ken break out of the shell of his self-contained world? Is he capable of feeling the pain which he has inflicted on the only woman who truly loved him, loved him enough to stay by his side in spite of the abuse?

Spiritual Problem

In keeping with my holistic approach to life, I see this situation, as all abusive relationships, as a combination of emotional and spiritual problems which cannot be solved without addressing the spiritual needs of the abuser. All the love in the world is not going to overcome Ken's fear of intimacy. Before he can address his wife's broken heart, he needs to get right with his creator, ask his forgiveness, and accept the peace which only God can give. Only then can his childhood wounds start healing. Only then will he be able to accept true love. Only then will he be able to return the love of the woman who has stuck with him through the nightmare of their marriage. Only then will Bonnie be able to trust him again.