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Addiction to Cybersex
A woman’s addiction to cybersex sets a bad example for a teenager who is following in the footsteps of the mother whom she adores.

Denial Does Not Mean Denial, II
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A man exposes his narcissistic weaknesses in the way he advertises himself on sex-sites. In the meantime, real love is waiting for him as close as the woman in his bed, his wife.

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Helpful Reading

In the Shadow of the Net
Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior

Infidelity on the Internet
Virtual Relationships and Real Betrayal

The Skinner Box Effect
Sexual Addiction & Online Pornography
Warning and hope.

More Books on Narcissism

Postscript

The so-called break-up of their relationship was in word only. An addiction is not that easily broken, if indeed there ever was any intention of breaking it. Five years later, the affair continues as before. To Orion Neb, Lady Mirage is just a toy. He has assured his wife that he could easily break up with her provided that he find someone else to take her place. And what would that do for his wife? Unfortunately, in twenty years of searching, Orion has never been able to find anyone else as gullible or maybe as desperate as Lady Mirage.

The wife, of course, does not qualify as a partner for Orion's games. She is not an illusion. She is real, and she is well acquainted Orion's narcissistic reality. At any rate, she is not prepared to become the object of behavior which is demeaning to women. Becoming the slave to the whippings of a jailor, real or imaginary, was not part of her marriage vows.

Cyber-illusions

by Traute Klein, biogardener

Cyber-profiles can lead to happy endings if the people match the façade. They can also lead to shattered lives when there is no correlation between fantasy and reality and one of the participants is unable to tell the difference.

The perversions of sex addiction and abuse may pose under the disguise of love, but they have little to do with it. This is a warning to people who thinks that they can play with it without hurting themselves or others. Unfortunately, for most people this warning is already too late. The characters in this story are real and known to me, but I have made some changes to protect their identies, not so much for their sake but for the sake of their families.

Why a Cyber-ID?

As a web-surfer, sooner or later we have to register at a site in order to take advantage of the benefits. My pseudonym has been "biogardener" since before I discovered the Internet, and I adopted it as my cyber-ID. I am not hiding behind the name.

Yes, I receive hundreds of spams, but I know how to delete them. I am here for the people who need me, and I take the spamming in stride. What about people who are using the Internet to meet others? How do they advertise themselves? It depends on their intent, of course. Some are looking for pen pals, some for life partners, and some for cybersex. Some are sincere in their search. Others are playing games and go to great lengths to protect their true identity. The sites which host their ads claim that they expect their members to represent themselves truthfully, but checking the rather colorful profiles which they display, I have come to the conclusion that they would go out of business if they were to pull all the fantasy personalities. These sites will, however, cancel memberships without refund if someone is reported to them as a liar. As a matter of fact, I am responsible for having some of the registrations deleted.

Results of a Fantasy ID

What happens when these game players make contact with each other and even go on to an intimate relationship? Obviously they are falling in love with an illusion, but then they themselves are not real either. Having started off with lies, they continue to lie to each other, sometimes with life-shattering results.

Example

Take the case of the 75-year old man who is trying to regain his youth, if not in reality, at least in fantasy. He is registered at many sex-sites under more names than he remembers. You can find his profile listed as Cygnus, Orion, Corinthian Cygnus, Blu blu, M t t, J j j, Copula Bond, Jay, Copula999, Master Copula, Orion Neb, Del, D S Choice, M Thrall Trull, and the list goes on. His photo displays a 20-year-old torso which he must have downloaded from a body-building site.

When a woman less than one-third his age answers his ad, he writes, "The place I live in is sunny, friendly, with no pollution. It does not have many good women, so here I am searching for one who would fill the voids in my life, all of them. I am 50. Does chronological age frighten you? My physician tells me that I am physically at least 15 to 20 years younger. I know I look it and feel it. Reason: I am of good stock and maintain mental and physical fitness at a peak. I am sure you would like to peek at that peak. I am hedonistic, and my prime interests in life are assets, like in money and women's erotic attributes, and a D/S lifestyle with a woman of the same mindset. How about you? Does that appeal to you?"

The Respondents

The women who respond to this man's various ads have chosen some colorful IDs, e.g. "Gigi, Lick Me, Sunshine, Dog Lover, Wench, Classy Missy, Pink Girl, Sinful Cindy, Tabby, Delectation, Mistress, Lady Mirage, Kit Kat, Katty Kit, Hot Old Broad, Windie, Arial Moon, Kitten, Calico Cat Girl, and Monkey Girl." Wench lives within his area of easy contact. She brags about the celebrities whom she has serviced. Master Copula decides that they are compatible because they both like sado-masochism, but she prefers to confine the relationship to cyberspace.

Kit Kat signs her emails with "Slave" and addresses her man with "Master." She lives within a short drive and agrees to a real encounter. When she meets the reality behind the façade, she is furious at her own gullibility.

Fantasy Replacing Reality

Lady Mirage is intrigued by the unreality of Orion Neb's profile at WebPersonals, and her curiosity gets the better of her. She allows herself to get swept off her feet. She catches her lover at a million contradictions. It is truly difficult for him to keep his many identities straight, especially when he has to invent himself in increasingly greater detail in hundreds of hours of chats and telephone conversations. She mentions the inconsistencies but refuses to recognize them as warning signs. She is in such desperate need of fulfilment that she allows herself to fall in love with a phantom. They plan their common future together in detail, including the elimination of his wife and the redecoration of the house. She is quite resourceful in offering ideas on how to treat, or rather mistreat, the woman whom she is vying to replace.

Reality Strikes

Then lightning strikes. She learns the true identy and name of the person behind the façade by fluke.

So does she get angry at Orion Neb for the years of deception? Not a chance! She makes herself more vulnerable by telling him that he is an incredible man, a wonderful man, that he will continue to be in her mind and heart every day of her life, because he will always be her beloved Orion. She reluctantly grants him permission to repair his wrecked marriage, urging him to be scrupulously honest with his wife, although she finds it too painful to use the word "wife" in her email. After all, she had been assured countless times that she was Orion's true wife in all ways and for all eternity, and that he had taken legal steps to make sure that she would be recognized as such after his death. In spite of the fact that she knew that he was married and had no intention of divorcing his wife, she had worn his wedding band for three years and had made arrangements for their wedding and honeymoon. She had even prepared her children for their new father.

She suggests to her sweetheart that they cease all contact. At the same time she emails the wife a pack of lies, swearing that she is telling the truth. She negates her suggestion of ceasing all contact by asking her lover to grant her two promises:

• to inform her of the progress of his marriage reparation, presumably so she can continue where she is leaving off for the time being.
• to instruct a friend to inform her of his death, probably so she can collect on the promised inheritance.

  Unfortunately, he has no friends other than the wife whose love he has spurned nor does he have an inheritance to leave her or his family, because he is living off his wife's income.

  Poor Lady Mirage! How will she ever regain her self-respect after having allowed herself to be treated like a fool for almost four years?

  The Outcome

  And Orion Neb? He sees nothing wrong with his behavior. He appears to equate his cybersex to a chess tournament, and he insists that it meant no more than that to Lady Mirage. He assures his wife that no actual meeting was ever intended by either of them. He does, however, yield to his wife's pressure to ask the Mirage to return the wedding band which he had sent her.

  Is he sorry for his deceit? Not in the least. In fact, he continues the contact with Lady Mirage, all the while assuring his wife that there is no contact. He has not shown any repentance, even though he is responsible for destroying three lives, Lady Mirage's, his wife's, and his own. Well, maybe he is sorry, sorry that the one gullible object of his search has found out that he is not who he said he is. That, however, has not stopped the relationship. It continues unchecked even though Lady Mirage now knows that the image with which she fell in love has no relationship to reality and that her Orion never intended to turn the fantasy into reality.

  And Orion's marriage? He is still trying to convince his wife that anything he says in emails, chats, and telephone conversations are "just words" which mean nothing. Right! They mean nothing, just like the words of his marriage vows and the confession of his faith.

  Astrological Compatibility

  I know the birthdays and birth places of both Orion Neb and Lady Mirage, and I ran a compatibility check on these two illicit lovers. The result is so uncanny in its accuracy that I am almost tempted to believe in astrology. Here is an excerpt:

  You must guard against mutual deception and misunderstandings. Orion Neb tends to have an unrealistic view of Lady Mirage, and Lady Mirage has a tendency to unconsciously capitalize on Orion Neb's imaginative and often simply erroneous perceptions. The tendency to be dishonest, hide things from each other, exaggerate, and spur each other to unrealistic hopes and dreams is very strong. Both of you must be able to distinguish fantasy from fact, and utilize the increased sensitivity and heightened imagination which you inspire in each other, without letting it cloud your ability to clearly and realistically see and understand each other.

  Mind you, those statements are probably true for most cyber-relationships.