Pet Jokes

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle.
5. Again, proceed as in 1, except, when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. Take 10 deep breaths.
7. Now, pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
8. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
9. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
10. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
11. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
12. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
13. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man....or woman.
14. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
15. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
16. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
17. Take two aspirins and take a cat nap.

• A CAT always hits the litterbox.
• Better chance of training a CAT.
• You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother.
• If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.
• It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.
• A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness... a man thinks he is.

1. Pointer & Setter = Pointsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
2. Pekingnes & Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.
3. Irish Water Spaniel & English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
4. Labrador Retriever & Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
5. Newfoundland & Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
6. Terrier & Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
7. Bloodhound & Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
8. Deerhound & Terrier = Derrier, a dog that is true to the very end.
9. Cocker Spaniel & Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for the philandering Ex-husband.
10. Bull Terrier & Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed.

• If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
• Don't go out without I.D.
• Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
• Be aware of when to hold your tongue and when to use it.
• Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
• Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
• When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
• If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
• Allow the experience of fresh air and wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
• When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
• When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
• Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
• Take naps and stretch before rising.
• Run, romp and play daily.
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
• Be loyal.
• Never pretend to be something you're not.
• If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
• Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
• On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
• When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

1. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
3. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
4. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit.
5. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
6. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
7. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
   www.pethouse.com instead of working.
8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
9. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
10. Still trying to come up with an emoticon that signifies tail wagging.
11. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
12. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, *cats*, on the other hand...
13. SIT and STAY were hard enough; GREP and AWK are out of the question!
14. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver
15. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.
    (Too Damn Hard To Type with paws!)

If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...

Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.

Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.