What has Jesus done for me?

That is a story easy to tell. Grab a coffee, get comfortable in your chair, and read my story...

I grew up in a Christian home. I thought that I had asked Jesus into my heart one summer during 'Daily Vacation Bible School'. But I hadn't. Oh, I went forward. But that was because my older brother went forward. And, I knew all the answers, because I went to Sunday School every Sunday. But neither of these things make one a 'Christian'.

I went to camp every summer, I knew all the books of the Bible, I could quote you all the important verses from the Bible, I went to all the Church Clubs and Youth Activities, and I acted like a Christian was suppost to act. But none of these make one a Christian.

For a long time, I believed that I had in fact asked Jesus into my life. It wasn't until later in my teens, that I came to understand that I didn't know Jesus personally at all.

As I began to change from a little girl into a young woman, I also began to grow apart from my parents. I felt that because my Dad no longer gave me affection in the same way that he had when I was little, that he had abandoned me. And my Mom, well, she was going through the beginnings of mid-life changes and I felt that I couldn't talk with her, at least not enough to make her understand. And so, feelings of failure and inadequacy began to grow inside of me like a vine, or a cancerous growth.

I did well in school. In grade 5, I learned that the school wanted to put me ahead a grade. This would have meant that I would be in the same grade as my brother who was not as fortunate as I when it came to school and to learning. School has always been very hard for my brother and my Mother believed that to put me at the same level as my brother, would do him more damage then good and that I was better able to handle staying where I was. This was a major bad move. Once I found out about this, I lost all interest in school and I never tried again.

I continued to grow in my insecurities and low self-esteem through my High School years. In grade 9, we had a very strict Principal who believed that every student should not only take a second language; he also believed every student should learn Latin! I didn't do well in Latin (like I would ever use it anyway!)and so I had a choice to make at the end of the school year, I could either repeat grade 9 or I could drop down to the regular stream and go into grade 10. Well, I did not repeat grade 9! But I did not do well the rest of my years in High School either and with each year, I became more and more aloof, continuing to withdraw from people, on my way to becoming a loner.

People from my youth group thought that I was a snob. The reality was that I was so shy and afraid of people, that I couldn't bring myself to even say 'hi'. This was quite a change from the little girl who could hardly wait to tell her Daddy all that had happened that day!

I began to do things to escape from reality. I took drugs. I smoked. I drank. I did all sorts of stupid things during this segment of my life and, somehow during this period, all of these things became a control issue. I would get stoned and then go home and see if I could sit across the table from my Mother, carry on an intelligent conversation and not have her know I was stoned! If I was successful, and I had to be successful, I would get even more stoned the next time and would repeat the process. I would do this to see how far I could go without loosing control. Pretty stupid huh? I even quit school in grade 12, 6 weeks before the end of the year!

Yet, never once did God turn away from me. He continued to wait patiently for me to hit bottom

I returned to school the next fall, and completed my schooling. I also got a job, which helped give me some focus and something to fill my time. I would go to class in the morning and then take the bus to work where I would work from about 2:00 pm until 9:00 pm. While I seemed to be okay on the outside, my life seeming to have some semblence of order, I continued to build walls within the depths of my soul. I made vows to God, that never again would anyone ever get to "Minnie". No one, including God, was ever going to penetrate the place deep inside where I dwelt.

Yet, God continued to wait patiently.

I had two influences in my life at this point, both about 9 or 10 years older than myself but who for some reason, took on the responsibility of looking out for me. I did everything I could to drive them away, but they never left.

It was during this time that I became suicidal. The combination of low self-esteem, drugs and alcohol took me to the depths of depression. And yet, I was trying to find someone who would break through the barriers that I had constructed.

One night in my room all alone, I decided that I would really take killing myself seriously. To me it meant that I could stop all the struggles going on within me. And so, I began the process of cutting deep into my wrists when my Mother bounded through the door. I couldn't believe it! It wasn't a pretty sight. I was sitting on my bed with blook trickling slowly out of my wrist and my Mother lost it.

She left the room, went into the bathroom and fell to her knees. It was in that instant, that my mothers' life changed. She says that in that instant, she had a choice. She could either lose it completely and have a complete breakdown or she could go to the Lord and give it all to Him. Thankfully, she chose the later. My Mother changed that night. She really tried to work with me and to do what she thought was the best for me. From this point on, I would find her in her room most evenings, reading the Word of God and praying. She tried to be more open and aware of what was happening to me as well.

I can look back at this event and realize that God used it for good. He used it to bring my Mother to a place of complete dependence upon Him and His power. And, I have learned that God often turns negative events into positive events and I am truly grateful.

Change eventually came for me as well. I had finally reached bottom, where else could I go but up! My mother sent me to 3 psychologists and 2 psychiatrists. One, was a "christian", who told me that while I was under his care, that I would not attempt to take my life! So what did I do, what any rebellious teenager would do, I gave it another attempt. This same man, molested me in the course of about 4 of his sessions. It wasn't until many years later, that the license was taken away from this person. But, the damage had been done and even though it took about 18 years for me to remember all that this person had done to me, the scars were already there.

God began to speak to me through the course of two conferences that I attended in Chicago. The first conference made me vulnerable to the power of the Holy Spirit. The second one made me utterly posessed. I struggled a long time like this, fighting within myself against God's spirit.

And yet, God didn't give up on me.

I came to a point where I could no longer run away from God. I guess I was experiencing 'step one', admitting I was powerless and admitting that something was wrong. God had been ever so patient with me, coming to me time and time and time again, and waiting for me to come to Him. It was a long struggle for me. Somehow, I knew that His patience with me was about to run out. I also knew that hell was not where I wanted to end up and I knew it was time to make some serious decisions.

My life didn't change right away. It was June 17th of 1973, that I finally with much fear and trembling combined with only a thread of belief and faith, took the step all alone in my bedroom, and gave my life to Christ. This was not a small thing for me. I had been to the edge of the gap between God and man several times. There was no doubt at all in my mind and in my heart, of what I was doing or of what it would mean if I didn't make this commitment of my life to Christ. And so, I was willing to give Him 'a try'. I was willing to give Him 'part' of my life, but I still wasn't willing to give Him all of my life.

Has my life been wonderful ever since? No. Have I changed? Yes, but I still fall back into old patterns easily. The difference is that now I am able to recognize when I am there and I am now willing to call to my heavenly Father for help. And, He is always there. I've made a lot of bad decisions in the course of my life, but I've made a lot of good ones too, and I've allowed others back into my life once again also.

I've learned how powerful prayer is. I've learned how loving and patient God is, how full of mercy He is. Through the good and the bad, Christ has always been with me. He taught me to love again and in 1977 I married my husband Bill. In 1978, I learned to praise God in 'ALL' things, through the circumstances involved around the birth of our first son. I learned through the birth of our daughter, that God's plans for our lives are not always our plans. And through the birth of our second son, I learned that God gives us gifts even when we are undeserving.

Well all of that was 14 years ago and throughout the past 14 years, God has continued to provide for my family and me. It hasn't always been easy; but God doesn't promise that our life will be easy. He does promise to be with us always and that is even better. As I age, my desire to live a life of serving God grows deeper and has more meaning. When my Mom passed away, life changed once again for me - for the first time, I now had a stake in heaven. Now the life I have here on earth is important, but my treasure is in heaven and the material things of this life no longer have a hold on me. I strive each day to live my life in a way that is pleasing to God.

My friend, God loves you. Maybe you don't believe it right now, but He does and, He is waiting patiently for you to come to Him. Do not make Him wait too long. Don't miss your opportunity to make Him your best friend. Do not be as stupid as I was. If you open yourself to Him, He will do more than you ever imagined and you will then be able to join with me in saying, "For me to live is Christ and to die is gain." ~ Philippians 1:21.

I am here with an open ear if you need someone to talk to. You can reach me through the e-mail at the bottom of this page. Call on me and I will answer you as soon as I can. Call on Jesus, and He will answer you immediately.

God bless you in your travels through this life.

The song that is playing is entitled

I Can't Live A Day Without You

by Elton Smith & Deanna Irwin

I can live without gold
I can live without fame
I can even live without love
But I can't live a day without you

I cannot live without hope
I cannot live without peace
I cannot live without faith
To me you are all of these things
I can't live a day without you

Everyday of my life I depend upon you
For everything that I am or become
I can't live a day without you

Everyday I will grow and I give you the praise
For great is you love and your mercy to me
There are things in this world that I now live without
But I can't live a day without you

I can live without gold
I can live without fame
I can even live without love
But I can't live a day without you

No I can't live a day without you in my life
Giving me strength and a hope that survives
There are things in this world that I can live without
But I can't live a day without you
No I can't live a day without you

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