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cheetah

Homecoming
By Mike Simpson
Originally published in "The Scratch Sheet," June 1990

evie by the fireI recently spent several months away from home on business (it really was business, although my joy and comfort suspects me of deliberately going off in the middle of the coldest December in recorded history to a place enjoying temperatures in the 70's. [By the way, what ever happened to the greenhouse effect? It certainly isn't in evidence where we live. But I digress...] )

She accuses me of deliberately timing this trip so as to avoid the birth of several litters of kittens, although I can't imagine why she would think such a thing.

Anyway, what I started to talk about was the very interesting homecoming (speaking cat-wise) that awaited me when I returned to the bosom of my family.

You have to understand that, because most of our cats are the same color, I'm never sure exactly how many of them share my domicile (I think she does that on purpose), but as nearly as I can figure it's somewhere between six and twenty-six (excluding, of course, various categories of transients such as sold kittens still here and eating, boarders [eating], cats waiting to be bathed [eating], cats we're showing for friends [eating], visiting friends and relatives who wouldn't think of traveling without one or two of their favorite felines, and the ever-popular arranged romances consumated in the cattery [formerly our family room] ).

But when I left in the fall, my loving helpmate assured me that the population of the little furry darlings was definitely going to be shrinking over the course of my absence (an assurance necessitated by my insistence on exactly that. After all, a man has to put his foot down sometimes, and I couldn't without stepping on a kitty), and that I would be pleased when I returned at how few I would actually be tripping over as I stumbled for the bathroom in the night.

The day of my return finally arrived, and our reunion was indeed joyous. Much to my surprise, there did seem to be only one or two kitties in evidence when I first entered. I should have suspected something was amiss when I realized that both were kitties I didn't remember being here when I left, but my analytical ability was clouded by my ecstasy at being home. However, the next clue was too obvious to overlook. Upon walking into the "family room," I discovered that it was a veritable kitty condominium. I could never get an actual head count, but it was definitely more than a mere breeding pair.

This experience was repeated in various other rooms of the house, specifically all of them. The first hours of my return consisted mostly of conversation along the following lines:

    Me: Well here's another pretty kitty... Who's this (and why is it here and how long is it going to stay) oh adored one?
    Adored One: Oh, don't you remember little Cuddles who we sold to those nice people who moved to Zaire? Cuddles is just visiting until the national cat litter shortage there is over, and then she'll go right home.

(The names and alibis varied, but that was pretty much the flavor of the conversation.)

In addition to these various temporary boarders, it soon became apparent to me that the winter of my absence had been incredibly fruitful. Not only were there kittens from several litters that I vaguely remembered knowing were on the way, there were others from litters that I never even suspected we were having.

But the real surprise of the homecoming came at bed time, when I discovered that one whole herd of kittens was so accustomed to sleeping in the bed that they would be (according to my heart's ease) psychologically scarred for life if they weren't allowed to continue, so of course they did.

I have to add that my wonderfully understanding and clever cat-breeding wife did a marvelous job for several days after I got home of ensuring that it never seemed that there were more than about a half dozen cats in the entire house. I'm not sure how she managed it - I suspect it's something akin to the old shell-and-pea game, with cats coming and going in and out of rooms - and even when I recognized that the cast had changed, it did seem that there weren't really that many cats around (in toto, so to speak). I guess it was just her way of helping me to reacclimate to life as she insists I know it (which is life among many felines).

I never really did establish how many cats we have on a permanent basis; I think it's somewhere between six and twenty-six, not counting (of course) the few odd temporary boarders.

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