She stands on the fringe of the group, each mother
in turn smiling and pointing out the source of their
pride and joy. The little girl with golden ringlets
that bounce and blow as she swings, extending her
short legs toward the treetops, laughing out loud as
she climbs higher and higher. The shy ,quiet boy
with huge brown eyes and thick black hair tousled by
the breeze frowns in concentration as he builds yet
another wing to his sand castle.
Her lips tremble as she tries to keep back the
tears. That could have been me, she thinks, and an
almost audible sigh escapes as she turns and walks
away from the scene filled with the laughter and
noise of children at play.
She remembers the doctor saying that it was the best
solution to her problem. Her mind fills with all the
imagined recriminations that thundered in her head
when she heard that the test was positive. What
could she have done. Now would she do it
differently. All of the myriad of emotions rolled
over her as she put a safe distance between her and
the playground full of children that simultaneously
drew her from time to time and then punctuated the
pain of the loss she could not share, much less
grieve over.
The victims of the abortion experience a vast array
of emotional fallout and most of us never realize
until we are in crisis and our world is crumbling
around us. 20 years past for me until I realized
that part of me was still in the past, reliving and
reinventing the events and the experience that had
haunted my life to the point of nervous collapse.
Unresolved issues of grief, guilt and shame only
spread like a cancer and are not healed with the
passage of time. Because of the pervasive stigma
that people still attach to the process of abortion,
the victims are forced into a state of denial that
allows them to reinvent a fantasy life that does not
allow for the natural process of grieving .
Therefore, denied that process, other emotions
appear in an attempt to displace the need for grief.
Guilt, shame,anger, fear, anxiety,
obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and depression. All
of the victims of the abortion experience the same
emotions, some sooner, some later. How they cope
with them is often determined by their surroundings
and their circle of family and friends.
Denial of the loss is most often the emotion that
immediately follows the abortion experience. It is
the human condition to react to this loss as though
it never happened. Couple that with the
reinforcement that our society provides by
encouraging abortion victims to forget it and move
on, and we are then forced to suffer in the silence
of isolation. That is when the feelings of guilt and
shame move in to reinforce the sense that our choice
leaves us undeserving of the grief expression we all
feel. The need to get back to work, school, or other
every day routines negate any ability to grieve the
loss we have experienced.
In her book, On Death and Dying, Elizabeth
Kubler-Ross outlines the various stages of grief
that the human condition exhibits at the loss of a
loved one. The abortion victim has experienced the
death of a child, but unlike the usual loss of a
loved one, the abortion victim faces a far more
difficult loss. How do we grieve for a child we have
never seen, touched or named. It is very difficult
to mourn for a child that has not been recognized as
a human being.There was no favorite photo, no lock
of hair, no memorial, no interment, no closure. Just
an imposed turning of the page .
Many studies reveal that the abortion victim is
often preoccupied with thoughts about the aborted
baby: was it a boy or a girl, what kind of child
would it have been, was it's hair dark or light,
what color eyes would it have had. Still others
reveal flashbacks of the experience at unexpected
times. The inability to give rise to the feelings of
grief and sadness at the loss of the child will
often give rise to other emotions such as anger and
resentment because no one tried to stop the abortion
. Other victims feel that they were misinformed
about the reality of abortion and resent the doctors
and other health professionals who betrayed their
trust.
The abortion victim is generally already enveloped
in a crisis situation when reality sets in. There
may be suicide attempts, alcohol or drug abuse, loss
of employment, broken relationships, or any number
of other events that precipitate crisis. Tragically
there are few counselors that are schooled in the
symptoms of post-abortion trauma. Society has made
it difficult for the abortion victim to receive the
help so desperately needed because the prevailing
ethic says that there is no loss therefore there is
no need for a grief process. Secular counselors and
therapists have no preparation for the abortion
victim who presents in crisis, thus perpetuating the
already self-imposed isolation the victim feels.
If anyone in the reading audience can relate to some
of what I've talked about here, I would encourage
you to write to me if you would like to share your
story with others who are searching and floundering
about, not knowing what is wrong or why they are so
sad. It is in the sharing that we can begin to
dispel some of the wrong impressions to which our
society has fallen victim .
We, the victims, are the only ones who can begin to
shine a light into the darkness of those suffering
and in pain. What can you do for someone else who
knows the pain you feel? Shared pain makes the
bearing of it a little easier.
Until next time..........Sadie
sadie_77_pa@yahoo.com
