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This was sent to Jewel
by a listmember who is a Puppy Walker. Until I met Jewel, I didn't
realize such people even existed, except I knew that guide dog
training began in individual homes, I wasn't aware they had a
title. Bjorn is destined to be a lead dog team member one day,
but sometimes, the fates intervene.
Day
one
After a sleepless
night, which is quite a common occurrence the week before turn
ins, I decided to take my friend for a walk at 5 a.m. What a good
idea that was! The streets were empty and the silence surrounding
us gave us a unique opportunity to connect.
As Bjorn trotted on
a loose lead right by my side I began to wonder about his feeling
about all this. Will he understand that I'm not abandoning him?
He has never been away from my home. Never spent a night away
from me. Suddenly I will thrust him into an unknown environment
with unknown people. Is this fair to him? How can I explain it?
I begin to talk to
him and he turns his head and looks into my face with his soulful
eyes. "I understand"he seems to say. "You wouldn't hurt me or
jeopardize me in any way!" My companion for the last 15 months
does know that. By my actions and care he knows the depth of love
that I have for him. We continued our walk in silence, revelling
in it.
Once home, since nobody
was wake yet, I took the extra time for a massage. As I rubbed
his back I tried to memorize his body. Will he remember these
times? Will his new owner give him this? Yesterday when we were
out shopping several people stopped us to comment on this big
beauty.
Inevitably they said,"I
don't know how you give these dogs up" My normal response would
be that it's more difficult to live in this world without sight
than to give this dog as a gift to someone as a means of independence
for theorem. Yesterday I hesitated. My response was "Yes, he is
a beauty and I have given him all the love that I could. I have
taken him as far as I could.
Now he has to gain
his achieve what he is meant to achieve. He has to give my love
to another human. What greater gift can I give?" I'm sure that
these people would have thought I was crazy but the emotions in
my eyes are quite visible these days! Today we will continue our
good-byes.
My daughters school
where he has been the "mascot" for these 13 months, our last puppy
class, where he must say Good Bye to all his friends. He has touched
my heart and soul and now it is time for him to touch someone
else!
Day
Two
As Bjorn rests his
head on my lap while I'm typing this, I realize that I am spending
so much time trying to remember these days, that I am not enjoying
my last moments with him. Last night was our last puppy class
and to be honest the drive up was very difficult.
While I talked to him
and told him how proud he has made me, his cocked head seemed
to say "I know,mom,but can't we just enjoy this tonight?" I noticed
that he's been really clinging to me this week more so than usual
and I think it's because he senses my feelings of sadness.
So I held up my head
and he did the same and we went to our last puppy class! We played
"doggie Simon says,"" doggie musical chairs" and had FUN! Bjorn
and I needed that! The final moments of good-byes were difficult
but we are all in the same boat in that class so thankfully the
puppyraisers kept good-byes brief!
Our hardest good-bye
was to Bjorns friend Junior. Junior is being raised by a good
friend and Bjorn and Junior have had weekly playdates and shared
many toys! They walked side by side to our cars like old friends
taking a stroll. It almost seemed as if they were talking about
old times and when they'd be able to get together again! Then
Ellen said her good-byes and I know that she remembers all the
good-byes she's said to her pups through the years!
I sit and wonder why
I really do this? Do I have a masochistic tendency? Do I enjoy
the pain this causes? I've been hounding my evaluator for another
pup! Am I out of my mind? Then I look into his eyes and I see
pure love. This love will be transferred to many people in the
next few months. First his trainer whom I know he'll adore! Then
his person whom I know he'll protect with every fiber in him!
And if they have a family Bjorn will win them over in no time!
This pure love for
however long I get to enjoy it makes life worth living! So no,
I don't enjoy the pain, no I don't enjoy the sorrow but I do relish
his love and his innocence and spirit! Tomorrow a graduate from
the school where Bjorn is to be trained will be here and she'll
be spending the weekend.
Bjorn will have a guide
dog here to watch and enjoy! I hope this takes the pressure off
and the sadness we've shared! But it will make the time go quickly!
If only I had a machine that could make time stand still! But
what would that prove? He still has to fulfil his destiny!
Day
Three
I'm kind of warn out
by now both from lack of sleep and the drain of emotions. I remember
this week with my last turn in and it's no wonder that the test
date leaves you feeling so down and out!
They tell you that
you should feel proud! Proud of the wondrous gift that you're
giving another human. But all that I felt was worn down and weary!
The ongoing thoughts that go through your mind keep you in a constant
state of confusion! On the one hand you want this pup to pass
this test with flying colors!
What better testimony
to yourself than to have raised a dog capable of such greatness!
Then on the other hand if the pup fails the test he can come home
again. This is not such a hard outcome to live with either!
But then you have to
think "Why have I worked so hard with him all these 13 months?"
Why have I watched over his every move anticipating problems that
might someday jeopardize his blind owner? You guiltily push aside
the thoughts and think of the good times past! The memories flood
you!
The first time you
received the call "your new baby is waiting for you and his name
is Bjorn," The day of graduation when they used him as "puppy
raiser bait" to tempt new raiser! The first ride home when he
threw up on my daughter!,his introduction to our family and his
ready acceptance of us all! The first time he responded to "get
busy" [relieving command] I glowed with delight! His first puppy
class when "he showed them" what a good puppy was like! His first
walk outside, first romp on the beach, first movie, first dinner
out.........the list goes on and on and through it all Bjorn showed
the "stuff" he was made of!
He's sleeping at my
feet right now! I know he senses that our time together is coming
to a close. He hasn't left my side this past week. Always glancing
up at me with those sad droopy eyes.
We'll meet our friend
today and Bjorn will have a new guide friend to show him how things
are done. After that I hope to take him through our neighborhood
for the last time. oh, and how it is slipping out of my hands
so quickly! Writing this journal and expressing my feelings has
helped me get through these days!
Day
Four
This is my last morning
with Bjorn. It seems odd that all the work of the past 13 months
will end up with good-byes shortly. Yesterday I attended the graduation
of a friend at the guide dog school. It was an emotional graduation.
The student speaker relayed his thoughts of gratitude to all the
puppy raisers. He became so emotional at times that he was unable
to continue.
Needless to say the
raisers present were touched deeply! After graduation I went over
to the kennel to check on a dog for a friend. As I walked from
cage to cage petting each dog, I came across several empty ones.
When I glanced up at
the top I saw the card labelled BJORN. The entire reality of today
came crashing down! Up to then I knew in my head that Bjorn was
leaving but in my heart, I had not accepted it!
I ran out of the kennel
and luckily my evaluator was there and we talked and she reminded
me of the purpose of my job. This morning I've been thinking of
what I would like for Bjorn. The type of person whom I would like
Bjorn to have for his lifetime companion. There are so many dreams
that I have for him! I know that I speak from the heart so please
bear with me!
Ignore the mistakes
I make when I presume too much. I cannot walk in your shoes! I
have never been without sight. I'm just speaking from my heart!
I would want his new owner to love him unconditionally. To remember
that he is just a dog and will make mistakes. He tries his best
because all he wants is your love.
To care for him as
you would your human counterpart. He is your partner. Treat him
with respect. His job is a hard one! He asks only that you feed,
groom, exercise him and, most of all, love him.
All of our relationships
should be that easy. Try to keep in touch with me! I promise that
I won't hound you! A single word once every year to let me know
how he's doing! Remember that he was raised with a family which
included children. They find it hard to understand that you give
your love and devotion to this dog only to give him away.
Then you let him go
and never hear a word about him again! It leaves a void. Fill
that void with news of his progress from time to time. Last but
not least your devotion! Bjorn will give you his and not ask for
anything from you. But please give him your love! He will thrive
on it!
We will leave soon
for the hardest part of my week! I'll go alone because I want
to share a few extra quiet moments with Bjorn. On the drive up
to the kennel I'll tell him one last time what he has meant to
me and how he has enriched my life! I'll drop him off and leave
without looking back! I'll be there tomorrow when he takes his
training test! I'll stay out of sight so I don't jeopardize the
results.
My heart will be shattered
but I need to have closure! I'll say good-bye one last time to
my best friend! We have shared many moments Bjorn and remember
the fullness you feel is the part of my heart that you have stolen!
I'll never get it back but take it to your new owner! Give them
the eyes to a better life!
Day
Five
I just got home from
the kennel after taking Bjorn in for his test tomorrow. This was
by far the most difficult thing I have ever done! As we walked
into the kennel the other dogs went wild. Bjorn immediately backed
off and wanted to run home.
As we walked past the
cages the other dogs bared their teeth and Bjorn and I were frightened!
I took him to his cage and stayed inside with him for some time.
We talked and I reassured him that I'd be back tomorrow but he
was petrified!
When I left the cage
Bjorn was cowering on the floor! He was so frightened! My gosh
what do we do to these animals? We take them from a warm loving
home and put them into a cold cement kennel!
Bjorn has never been
away from me or my home! What is he feeling now? I know he thinks
that I have abandoned him! I can't get the picture of him cowering
in that cold and seemingly inhospitable kennel out of my head!!!!!!
Day
Six
Today I sit here with
no head on my lap, no warm fuzzy blanket at my feet. He's gone
and his void is like a deep black hole! As I write I wonder what
kind of day he had yesterday! Did he bounce back from his fear?
Did he forgive me for leaving?
I'll go up to the school
this after noon to watch him be tested. I have to stay far away
because I don't want to jeopardize the results. But a part of
me wants to scream out his name! Have him turn and run to me!
In my heart I'm thinking that there are plenty of other dogs!
They won't miss Bjorn. He'll be happier with me! But
I know that's not the case.
Bjorn has shown us
that he wants to be a guide, he will make a difference! I'm hoping
that the stress of yesterday won't affect today. Who knows what
he thinks of me! He may understand what I did by leaving him there.
I'll know after the test because once again I will say good-bye!
This time it will be for about 6 months.
Hopefully during that
time I will begin raising a new guide dog. Yes, crazy as it sounds
I will do this again! I'm hooked! The support I've received during
this time from the graduates of many different schools and the
puppy raisers from as many, has been incredible!!
You've all understood
the tears and the pain. Not one of you has judged me or criticized!!
I am lucky to be involved in such an incredible endeavor!! The
gift of independence!
Day
Seven
I just returned home
from Bjorns pre-training evaluation test. It is with mixed emotions
that I tell you all that Bjorn did not pass his test. He did amazingly
well up until the umbrella test. The trainer popped open an umbrella
near the dog and Bjorn froze. The trainer repeated the test several
times and Bjorns stress level increased.
I have decided to keep
Bjorn and now have a wonderful companion. I know that I have done
everything in my power to make Bjorn a good guide dog but some
things are not meant to be! At first I felt that I would be embarrassed
to share this with you but I know that this is the way things
are supposed to be!
I have given a guide
to a man already and will raise another shortly. This guy is going
to be mine to grow old with! I will treasure his quiet ways and
love him for all time!!
Denise and NEW PET
Bjorn
If your
appetite has been whetted by these stories, they and others are
to be found in "My Life With Guide Dogs". The book is available
directly from the author, Jewel Blanch on 3.5 inch computer disk
at a cost of 10$US, p&h inclusive. Jewel
Blanch
Text
and images copyright 1998 Jewel
Blanch
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