WHAT DO I GET IN E-MAIL BOX?

I'M SO TIRED sent in by KATHIE
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason.
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.....that leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.....of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.....this leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.....and you're sitting there playing around on e-mail.

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE sent in by BLUIZE
I have an earache:

2000 B.C.-Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D.-That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D.-That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D.-That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D.-That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D.-That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

DOES THIS MAKE YOU FEEL OLD? sent in by DEBBY
The people who have just starting college were born in 1980.
The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived.
They have no memory of a time before M-TV.
"New Wave" is their PARENTS musical generation.
Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, the Pretenders, the Kinks, the Sex Pistols -- are all old music they have heard of, if they have heard of it at all.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
If they have heard the name "Oliver North," it was probably as a losing Congressional candidate, or perhaps in some obscure survey history text's reference, such as might be made to Huey Long or Teapot Dome.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
Their world has always included AIDS.
Having not lived through the Disco Scare, they can romanticize the 1970s.
They see "Family Ties" as something middle aged ladies watch.
They watched "Star Wars" years ago, when they were kids -- on video.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes; they may have heard of an 8-track, but probably never actually seen (or heard) one.
From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and threw away.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
The oil crisis is history of which they probably know nothing -- and why anyone WOULDN'T buy a Chevy Suburban is beyond them.
Most of them have probably never seen a real nun, even if they went to Catholic schools.

THE RULES sent in by BLUIZE
The Female always makes THE RULES.
THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
The Female is never wrong.
If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
The Female can change her mind at any time.
The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.
The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

STILL WAITING sent in by MOMMYLADY
In a lifetime, the average American spends...
--6 months sitting at traffic lights
--8 months opening junk mail
--1 year searching for misplaced objects
--2 years trying to reach people via telephone
--5 years waiting in line
_________________________________________________________

= OVER 9 YEARS OUT OF OUR LIVES???!!!!!!!?????!!!!!!

REDNECK DRIVING ETIQUETTE sent in by CARO4
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

PERSONAL HYGIENE sent in by CARO4
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-comsuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME sent in by CARO4
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table..no matter how good his manners are.
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

DATING (Outside the family) sent in by CARO4
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive, Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

WEDDINGS sent in by CARO4
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
A bridal viel made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS sent in by CARO4
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before hooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick on someone else's car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of pubic toilets, especially if other people are around.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW BEFORE I HAD KIDS sent in by LAHLAH2
How many seconds it takes to microwave 4 fish sticks perfectly.
Who John Jacob Jingle Heimershmitt is.
How to change a diaper in the dark, in a parked car, on a standing child.
Which lines of The Cat in the Hat and If I Ran the Circus can be skipped over without a child noticing.
How bright a 3 a.m. full moon is.
The design marvels of hooded towels, Velcro-strap shoes and mitten clips.
Locations of public restrooms all across town.
Why anyone would bother retracing their steps for miles just to retrieve a lost blankie.
That tigers live in the trees in our backyard.
The amazing technicolor variety of infant stool.
How to open a van door while bobbling 2 lunch boxes, two extra coats, a purse, a diaper bag and a baby.
The fine art of vacuuming a floor without hosing up a Barbie shoe or a Playmobil cannonball.
That solid white socks get lost in the dryer at a much slower rate than do the mates of patterned socks that coordinate to special outfits.
How little sleep a human body truly needs to function.
Almost every Disney lyric ever penned.
How to spell amoxicillin.
That one can never own too many sippy cup lids or refrigerator magnets.
Scientific names of dinosaurs from A to Z.
That reverse psychology really works.
The recipe for a homemade version of Play-doh.
That Duplo and Lego blocks procreate in the night.
The distinctive sounds of Cheerios crunching underfoot.
Why they call them Happy meals.
How far you can dilute juice and still retain it's taste.
That man (or child anyway) really can live on peanut butter alone.
That gender inequality starts early in clothing: Boy's underpants have a wide band on top, while the waistband and leg holes on girls look the same, increasing the odds that she'll pull 'em on tangles or upside down.
Sesame Street's air time.
Translations of myella, babana, panyo, snunk, maldations, and nibbles (vanilla, banana, piano, skunk, dalmations and nipples).
That the more my kids learn, the less I seem to know.
The blessedness of naps, the inviolate importance of routines.

ARE YOU FEELING STRESSED OUT? sent in by BLUIZE
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.
What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then ploop!...back under they go...
You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
There now... feeling better?
BUTTERFLY KISSES! sent in by IODINE

I have a spelling chequer
It came with my PC;
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks I can knot sea.

Eye ran the poem threw it,
your sure reel glad two no.
It's vary polished in it's weigh,
My chequer tolled me sew.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of which won should be proud.
And wee mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

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