GULLIBILITY VIRUS SPREADING OVER THE INTERNET!!
sent in by THEE AND ME
WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of
Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.
"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers", a spokesman said. Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner". However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet.
"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone", reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."
Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true". It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxes >Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed". Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.
Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following:
1. The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking.
2. The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others.
3. A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true.
T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo". When told about the Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected.
Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.
As a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this following message to anyone who forwards them a hoax.
This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously! Forward it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points! Lots!! For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.)
FUNNY FUNNY MOTHER sent in by MOMMYLADY
See Mother. See Mother laugh.
Mother is happy. Mother is happy about Chrismtas.
Mother has many plans. Mother has many plans for Christmas.
Mother is organized. Mother smiles all the time.
FUNNY, FUNNY, MOTHER.
See Mother. See Mother smile.
Mother is happy. The shopping is all done.
See the children watch T.V. Watch children watch.
See the children change their minds.
See them ask Santa for different toys.
Look, look, mother is not smiling.
FUNNY, FUNNY, MOTHER.
See Mother. Mother will sew.
Mother will make dresses.
Mother will make robes.
Mother will make skirts.
See Mother put the zipper on wrong.
See Mother sew the dress on the wrong side.
See Mother cut the skirt too short.
See Mother put the material away until January.
Look, Look see Mother take a tranquilizer.
FUNNY FUNNY MOTHER.
See Mother, See mother buy raisins and nuts.
See Mother buy candied pineapple and powdered suger.
See Mother buy flour & dates & pecans & brown sugar & bananas & spices & vanilla.
Look, look, Mother is mixing everything together.
See the children press out cookies.
See the flour on their elbows.
See the cookies burn.
See the children pull taffy.
See Mother pull her hair.
See Mother clean the kitchen with the garden hose.
FUNNY, FUNNY, MOTHER.
See Mother. See Mother wrap presents.
See Mother look for the end of the scotch tape roll.
See Mother bite her fingernails.
See Mother go. See Mother go to the store 12 times in 1 hour.
See Mother go. See Mother go faster.
Run Mother, run. See Mother trim the tree.
See Mother have a party. See Mother make popcorn.
See Mother scrub the rug. See Mother wash the walls.
See Mother tear up the organized plan.
See Mother forget the gift for Uncle Harold.
See Mother get hives. Go Mother, Go.
See the far away look in Mother's eyes.
Mother has becomed disorganized. Mother has become disoriented.
FUNNY, FUNNY, MOTHER.
It is finally Christmas morning. See the happy family.
See Father smile, Father is happy. Smile Father, smile.
Father loves fruitcake. Father loves Christmas pudding.
Father loves all his new neckties.
Look, look, see the happy children. See the children's toys.
Santa was very good to the children.
The children will remember this christmas.
See Mother. Mother is slumped in a chair.
Mother is crying uncontrollably. Mother doesn't look well.
Mother has ugly dark circlese under her bloodshot eyes.
Everyone helps Mother to bed.
See Mother sleep quietly under heavy sedation.
See Mother smile.
FUNNY, FUNNY, MOTHER.
REDNECK FAMILY TREE sent in by MINER'S DAUGHTER
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.
ONLY A MOTHER. . . sent in by LAHLAH2
Can listen to the same knock-knock joke 27 times without hollering "Nobody's Home."
Will be a Scrabble partner with a kid who thinks "cookie" begins with "k."
Will unwind 56 feet of toilet paper so her little darling can have the empty roll...to make a Mother's Day present.
Knows the location of every drive-through window in town.
Knows the exact temperature a crayon will melt on the dashboard.
Will try to hide a leaf green vegetable in a cookie.
Will buy an 8 x 10 photo of her little darling with a palm tree growing out of her ear.
Knows the secret to happy grocery shopping with a toddler...visit the bakery aisle first and plug his lips with a big cream horn.
Can cherish the 1,000th bleating of "Twinkle, Twinkle" from a
budding violinist.
Will show up at work wearing Mickey Mouse stickers on her posterior.
Sees a Picasso in those scribbles decorating the fridge.
Knows all the verses to "This Old Man."
Can deal out emergency lunch money from the dryer lint filter.
Can find her last good pair of panty hose hitching a wagon to a tricycle.
Knows the sure-fire way to get three kids to eat carrots...buy two carrots.
Surrenders her best black skirt to be worn by a Halloween witch.
Is limber enough to wrestle a fitted sheet onto the top bunk bed.
Invests fifty dollars in stale macaroons to help send the French Club to Disneyland.
Will attempt to grow hydroponic tomatoes in one night for a
last-minute science project.
Can see across town and locate a missing shoe from her office desk phone.
Can switch from cook to catcher in an instant.
Has a bathtub that's filled with little yellow duckies.
Seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.
~ Chinese Proverb ~ sent in by ONCOSTAR
If you want happiness for an hour ~ take a nap.
If you want happiness for a day ~ go fishing.
If you want happiness for a month ~ get married.
If you want happiness for a year ~ inherit a fortune.
If you want happiness for a lifetime ~ help someone else.
FRIENDS sent in by MINER'S DAUGHTER
Don't worry about knowing people just make yourself worth knowing.
Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.
If you can buy a person's friendship, it is not worth it.
True friends have hearts that beat as one.
You can bank on any friendship where interest is paid.
No one has so big a house that he does not need a good neighbor.
If you were another person, would you like to be a friend of yours?
A good friend is one who neither looks down on you nor keeps up with you.
A friend is one who helps you bridge the gaps between loneliness and fellowship, frustration and confidence, despair and hope, setbacks and success.
A friend is never known till he is needed.
Friendship is a responsibility...not an opportunity.
Friendship is the cement that holds the world together.
Friends are those who speak to you after others don't.
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.
Pick your friends, but not to pieces.
A friend is one who puts his finger on a fault without rubbing it in.
The way to have friends is to be willing to lose some arguments.
If a friend makes a mistake, don't rub it in....rub it out.
You cannot see eye to eye with the person you look down upon.
Being square creates a circle of friends.
It is just as difficult to get along in this world without a friend as it is to get along without food to eat.
A friend is a person who can step on your toes without messing your shine.
The quickest way to wipe out a friend is to sponge off him.
A friend is someone to add up all your traits but to bring up only the good ones.
People are judged by the company they keep and the company they keep away from.
Deal with other's faults as gently as if they were your own.
No matter how rich a man may be there's nothing he can buy finer than a friend.
Be friendly with the folks you know.. if it weren't for them you would be a total stranger.
If you cannot think of any nice things to say about your friends, then you have the wrong friends.
A friend is someone who likes you even though he doesn't need you anymore.
Make friends before you need them.
To be without a friend is a serious form of poverty.
The best mirror is an old friend.
The best possession one may have is a true friend.
Friendship is the art of overlooking the shortcomings of others.
Make friendship a habit and you will always have friends.
The more arguments you win, the fewer friends you will have.
A friend is someone who knows all our faults but still loves us.
You will never have a friend if you must have one without faults.
Doing nothing for your friends results in having no friends to do for.
Friends knock before they enter, not after they leave.
Anyone can give advice, but a real friend will lend a helping hand.
You can make more friends by being interested in them than trying to have them be interested in you.
A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of yourself, lets you forget it.
A friend is a person who listens attentively while you say nothing.
You can buy friendship with friendship, but never with dollars.
True friends are like diamonds, precious but rare; false friends are like autumn leaves, found everywhere.
A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.
The most miserable person on earth is the one who has money and no friends.
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MOM!
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