This question was at the heart of the message I received from Jenny. At
twenty-two-years old the thought of ‘taking on' two children from her new
partner's earlier marriage was a daunting one. She wondered if there were
any tips or advice which I could give her which would make for a
trouble-free transition.
The decision to make a commitment to one's partner and to become ‘a couple'
is complex at the best of times, and always requires some thought and
deliberation. It may be okay in the movies for the decision to be made in
the moonlight, with ‘happy ever after' music in the background. (And, if we
are honest, which schoolgirl hasn't fantasised such a moment?) But the
reality can be somewhat different.
It started me thinking again about the decisions which have to be made when
there are children involved. When I was researching for my books on
different family issues, I spoke with many women (and men!) who had become
‘mom' or ‘dad' to their partner's children. (As this website is essentially
a ‘home' for stepmothers, perhaps we can take it as read that some of these
comments could apply to a man as well.)
What emerged from my discussions was first of all we all have to dismiss
the picture of the ‘wicked' fairytale stepmother which is always there at
the back of our minds. Because she is such a strong character in our
folklore at times it blinded some women to what they were taking on, and,
surprisingly, I heard from women who denied they are stepmothers with the
words ‘Oh, no, his children just visit with us at holiday time' and ‘I am
too young to think of being a stepmom. I consider myself as their big
sister'. We must never forget that the prefix ‘step' comes from an Old
English word ‘stoep' meaning bereavement. Perhaps, for some, there is an
unconscious wish to keep the reality of the circumstances at bay, which is
that there must have been a loss of some kind, for the present situation to
have come about.
I heard time and again that ‘instant parenthood is no joke', and that
preparation for the change in status takes a lot of time and patience. All
too frequently I was told ‘I fell in love, and thought it would all work
out. The children had other agendas.' I was also reminded that when you
become a stepparent you take on not just a new partner and any children he
or she might have, but often the other parent as well. Many families learn,
to their cost, that parents and stepparents are not interchangeable, and
that it is unreal, and unfair, to expect a new stepparent to love the
children unconditionally from the start. Getting to know someone, and
growing to like them takes time, and if the children are still unsettled
from turmoil at the breakup of their family, the ‘new' prospective parent
may get all the flack.
Jenny asked me if there were any rules? The consensus of opinion from
those who spoke to me seems to be: ‘Urge caution, take it slowly, wait and
see how the land lies'. Alice told me that she decided to bide her time
and eventually felt on firm enough ground to correct her stepchildren,
mildly, when she felt they were out of order. She went on to tell me that
her new husband was very appreciative of the time and thought she gave to
the situation. Alice felt they grew even closer and they could feel the
children wanting to be included in their loving relationship in forming a
family.
Beth now felt strong enough to tell me that she felt Julie Andrews had a
lot to answer for! Beth had imagined she could charm her future
stepchildren, even sing them funny songs as Julie Andrews did in ‘The Sound
of Music' and for her, the reality was very different. Five years on,
things are calm in her household, but she looks back to those early days
with horror.
I will tell Jenny, too, about Laura's experience. She told me that she
knew she loved Andrew and wanted to marry him. She also knew she was ready
to take on the whole family when she realised that she was agreeing to
marry the man she loved plus two other people she was growing to love.
Laura knew this when she began to feel their affection growing for her.
But, she reminds me, it didn't happen overnight - she had to earn their
love and respect. To end with her words ‘For a mother that's a given, but
a stepmom has to work at it. Believe me.'
Anyone who has ever been involved with the breakup of a family knows that
the waves of shock and pain spread far and wide. Not only are the couple
deeply affected, and the children of course, but also the rest of the
family and close friends. Suddenly they all feel a very cold wind blowing
through many lives.
Much has been written about the impact of divorce on the nuclear family,
but let us spread our net wider to take in the grandparents. What is often
not taken on board is that as the number of divorces increases, so do the
number of ‘divorced' grandparents. In my research for my book ‘Making and
Breaking Families' I heard of the way divorce had wrecked the lives of many
senior family members.
I was distressed to hear from so many grandparents who had become part of
the wrangle between the divorced couple. In many cases grandparents found
themselves cut out from their grandchildren's lives. Sometimes this was
because a parent who had custody of the children moved away and made little
attempt to keep contact. It seemed that punishing an ex-partner, whether
consciously or unconsciously, may have entered the scenario. The fact that
the children will suffer too, was at times overlooked in the heat of the
moment. It is painful enough for children to deal with the breakup of
their family, but for them also to lose contact with one set of
grandparents as well, is to deny a child part of their heritage.
Another aspect is the question of loyalty. What if it is your son or
daughter who has been instrumental in bringing about the split? Unhappy
are the parents who feel they have to choose between supporting their own
‘child' and supporting a very unhappy son-or daughter- in-law. Blood is
thicker than water, but the heartache that many grandparents feel when they
see how their own child has been unable to carry out their responsibilities
is a terrible burden to carry. Especially at a time in their life where
they may have hoped for a little peace and happiness.
On the whole grandparents, parents of the divorced couple, find little
support. People do not consider what a wrench it can be to lose a much
loved son-or daughter-in-law, so most grief at this loss is unacknowledged. It can hurt, too, for friends to say they could ‘see it coming' or that
they ‘had never liked him/her in the first place'.
Often the grandparents become a port of call for help, and they may be
required to be more involved with the care of the children. A ‘weekend'
parent may find it very helpful to take the children to the grandparents'
home, and that is where the grandparents can help to provide stability for
any family which is breaking apart. A wise grandparent will keep in mind
that the ‘other' parent should never be criticised in front of the
children. However a parent has behaved, to the children they are still
‘mom' or ‘dad' and the children are dealing with enough without feeling
torn by a sense of divided loyalties. Helping to parent the grandchildren
is a task nearly always taken on with love, but it doesn't leave much time
for the mourning which must take place. Because, after all, a divorce and
the loss associated with it is a bereavement. Even if the divorce is seen
as inevitable, it is sad that the hopes and dreams which were there at the
beginning, have come to nothing.
One grandmother, Eileen, said to me that when her daughter told her that
her husband was leaving her with three small children, Eileen felt her eyes
fill with tears. Her daughter reacted by an angry: ‘Mother, don't YOU cry,
I couldn't take that too.' Eileen swallowed her tears, and kept them for
later. Perhaps however grown-up we are, we need to feel our parents are
okay and are strong. But the next time you hear someone say ‘My
daughter/son is getting divorced' be sure that you recognize that
grandparents hurt to, and they might appreciate a shoulder to cry on or a
space to express their anger and anxiety. Remember that any divorce
becomes a family divorce, and when you see your children in pain, it
becomes an unimaginable ache. I know. I am a grandmother, and I have been
there.
Jill Curtis is a psychoanalytic psychotherapist working in the UK. She is
the author of ‘Making and Breaking Families - the Way Ahead for Parents and
their Children' and also ‘Where's Daddy? Separation and Your Child'.
Links to other sites on the Web
STEPFAMILY ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA
STEPFAMILY FOUNDATION
STEPFAMILY SOLUTIONS
