Basic Rules for Driving in the Chicago Area
submitted by CrystlWtch
A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how
many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you
sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their
way back in before hitting construction barrels.
Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road
battle, so never use them.
Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance
between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast
you're going. If you do, the space will be filled by somebody
else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the
chance you have of getting hit.
Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to
insure that your anti-lock braking system kicks in and gives you a
nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately
after you pass the exit before the traffic begins to back up.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make our city look as
if it conforms with other state policies; these are given only
as suggestions and are readily unenforceable.
Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or
even a person changing a tire. If you're lucky, you may see the
unwitting breakdown victim get mugged. (The proceeds of such
ventures are vested directly into Daley's campaign for Mayor.)
Learn to swerve abruptly. The Chicago area is the home
of high-speed slalom driving thanks to IDOT, who put
potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep
them on their toes.
Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right
of way.
Giving the finger may invite armed retaliation.
All unmarked exits lead to the projects.
 Send a letter to the editor
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 Dear Abbey,
I just don't understand my husband right now. He was so upset last night when I tried to answer the phone. It was really simple actually, I pretty much knew who was going to be on the line, but he just wouldn't let me talk on the phone no matter how much I asked.
Then, Abbey, to make matters worse, once he did finally let me talk, he started yelling at me! I just wanted to know who was on the phone.
Instead, he yelled about how I was asking who was on the phone, and then he couldn't even hear the other person to ask who it was. He said it was all my fault. Well, I know none of this would have happened if he had just let me answer the phone in the first place. I can always tell who it is as soon as the first words are out of the person's mouth.
Irritated wife
Dear Wife,
Perhaps you should reconsider just who you are listening to. It couldn't be that he might have a point about telephone etiquette and who should be talking when, now would it?
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