Jack Handey Imitations
Me
I remember when I was young and old man McGregor used to tell us stories about the sasquatch that lived in the woods behind his house. We never believed him until a sasquatch came out of the woods, broke into Mr. McGregor's house, and ate him. It wasn't until it left that we found out that it was not a sasquatch at all, but rather a bear. I guess what I'm trying to say is that confusing a bear with a sasquatch is one of the easiest things you can do.
Whenever I find myself in a fix, I just say to myself: “Calm down now, Chris… What would Optimus Prime do?
Whoever made it illegal to eat babies doesn’t know what he’s missing!
They said I was crazy. “You can’t eat twelve whole solid-gold pumpkins!” they said. But they were wrong!
In all my travels and through all my experiences, there’s one thing I’ve found to be true: Honeydew is the money-melon.
Sometimes I like to pour milk onto my cereal and eat it with a spoon. It’s a thing I have.
Here’s some advice to anyone who has problems with their TV reception: Hit it right, works all night. Hit it wrong, buy a new one.
I think a bad idea for deodorant would be “Dead Oil-Soaked Skunk.”
Crows everywhere are equally black, but not equally delicious.
They say that the early bird catches the worm. But do you know what it also catches? Pneumonia.
As I watched the fish swim upstream, leaping up waterfalls and falling back down, narrowly avoiding being caught by the grizzlies, I was reminded of how futile my life is, and how I was being eaten by a bear.
I dream of a time when all of mankind permanently takes to the skies, and of the new airborne predators that have plagued us “sky men” for so long.
As I closed my blinds, I looked out across the street into my neighbor’s house. I couldn’t help but wonder why they kept letting strange gunmen into their house through their broken windows.
Here’s some advice for you: Always carry bottled water around. That way, if you ever get caught in a big paper bag, you can just soak the paper and tear your way out!
Deer truly are beautiful creatures. Especially when stuffed and hung over the mantle.
I bet the best thing about being burned alive is that great campfire smell.
Once my sister asked me: 'Where does lightning come from?' I didn't know, so
I just said 'Nazis.' I don't know if that's right, but it sounded good at the
time.
Jim
You know what's great? Risks. Just ask me, I bet the answer is yes.
I bet it would be funny if you were eating a marshmallow, but the
marshmallow had a diamond in it and when you bit it, it broke your teeth. You'd probably think 'Hey, I probably just ate a diamond.', but then it would start tearing up your insides because it's so sharp.
You'd probably think it would be funny to get the words 'artistic' and
'autistic' mixed up, but believe me, it isn't.
Ryan
Help me, I'm lost. I want a cookie, but no nuts this time, idiot.
