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How to
Impress A Woman:
Compliment her; Cuddle her; Kiss her; Caress
her; Love her; Stroke her; Tease her; Comfort her; Protect her;
Hug her; Hold her; Dine her; Listen to her; Care for her; Stand
by her; Support her; Go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to
Impress A Man: Show up wearing only the Victoria's Secrets.
On visiting
a country still steeped in cannibalism, a journalist notices that
the local butcher sells brains by source; one can buy a teacher's
brain for $6.35/lb, a surgeon's brains for $9.25/lb, a poet's
brain for $5.35/lb, and so on.
Suddenly he
notices a big sign that reads, " Stock Analyst's Brains!! On
SALE! for $19.95/lb."
On
commenting that the society must value the Stock Analyst's brains
very highly, the butcher replies:
"Are
you kidding, do you know how many Stock Analysts you have to kill
to get a pound of brains?"
Reagan,
Nixon, and Clinton was on the Titantic when she was going down.
...Reagan said "to the lifeboats, women
and children first!"
...Nixon
said "screw the women and children!"
...Clinton
said, "Jeez, do you think we have time?"
These
days, the only time politicians are telling the truth is when
they call each other a liar.
A lot of people who
complain they don't get what they deserve don't know how lucky
they are.
The definition of
federal economic policy: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving,
regulate it. And it stops moving, subsidize it.
On Lyndon Johnson's
Great Society: We declared war on poverty, and poverty won.
Freedom of speech:
An American and a Russian were arguing. The American said,
"Look, I can go into the Oval Office, pound the President's
desk and say: Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running
our country." And the Russian responded," I can do
that." The American said, "You can?" The Russian
replied, "Sure. I can go into the Kremlin, into the General
Secretary's office, and say: Mr. General Secretary, I don't like
the way that the President of United States is running his
country."
Plan to be
spontaneous tomorrow.
Love may be
blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Bills
travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work
pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow
money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
If at first
you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A
conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience
is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every
action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who
hesitates is probably right.
Never do
card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is
listening until you make a mistake.
Success
always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder
the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The
hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
The
severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Two wrongs
are only the beginning.
You never
really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem
with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner
you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear
conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is
inevitable....except from vending machines.
Always try
to be modest. And be darn proud of it!
If you
think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of
you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
Half the
people you know are below average.
99 percent
of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7
percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A
conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If at first
you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Everybody
repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
For
Husbands
Only two
things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her
think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have
it.
Married men
live longer than single men, But married men are a lot more
willing to die..
Any married
man should forget his mistakes - no use for two people to
remember the same thing.
For Wives
Some
husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
Husbands
are like cars: all are good the first year.
Things To
Go Hmmm About :
If someone
with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
Instead of
talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still
grow only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there
another word for "synonym"?
Isn’t
it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
"practice"?
When sign
makers go on strike is anything written on their signs?
When you
open a bag of cotton balls is the top one meant to be thrown
away?
Where do
forest rangers go to get away from it all?
Why
isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they
report power outages on TV?
What do you
do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Is it
possible to be totally partial?
If a
parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly
without wings be called a walk?
Why do they
lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean
them?
Why do
people who know the least know it the loudest?
If a turtle
doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it
rains why don’t sheep shrink?
Should
vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the
police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
Why is the
word "abbreviation" so long?
When
companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
Why God
Never Received Tenure at Any University:
He
had only one major publication.
It was in Hebrew.
It had no references.
It wasn’t published in an academic journal.
Some doubt he wrote it himself.
He may have created the world, but what has he done since?
The scientific community cannot replicate his results.
He never received permission from the ethics board to use human
subjects.
When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by
drowning the subjects.
He rarely came to class and just told students, "read the
book."
Some say he had his son teach the class.
He expelled his first two students.
His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a
mountaintop.
Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed.
Tender care
A young man
wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful
consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his
sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a
pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for
herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister
got the gloves in a package and the man got the panties in the
other. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and
sent it to her with this note;
Dearest
Darling,
This is a
little gift to show my affection for you. I chose these because I
noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go
out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister,
I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the
short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade,
but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had
been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had
the sales girl try them on and she really looked great. I wish I
could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's
hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to
see you again.
When you
take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will
naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on
when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like
them and wear them for me on Friday night.
All my
love,
P.S. Just
think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur
showing.
Cindy in Hell
Three guys
found themselves in Hell: Bob, Dave, and our hero, Brian. A
little confused at their present situation, they were startled to
see a door in the wall (which they hadn't noticed before) open,
and behind the door was perhaps the Ugliest woman they had ever
seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over
the Brimstone.
The voice
of the Devil was heard,"Bob, you have sinned!!! You are
condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this
woman!" And Bob was whisked through the door by a group of
lesser demons to his doom.
This
understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped
when a second door opened, and lo and behold! an even more
disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7',
covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.
The Voice
of the Devil was heard, "Dave, you have sinned!!! You are
condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this
woman!!!" And Dave, like Bob, was whisked off.
Brian,
now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when
the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained
to see the figure of... Cindy Crawford!!!!!!!!!!!!
Delighted,
Brian jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman,
barely dressed in Victoria Secret. Then he heard the voice of the
Devil say :
"Cindy,
you have sinned ........"
Ultimate
Revenge
For
decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each
other in the city park.
One day an
angel came down from heaven. 'You've been such exemplary
statues,' he announced to them, 'That I'm going to give you a
special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty
minutes, in which you can do anything you want.' And with a clap
of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two
approached each other a bit shyly but soon dashed for the bushes,
from which shortly could be heard a good deal of giggling,
laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen
minutes later the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide
grins on their faces. 'You still have fifteen more minutes,' said
the angel winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female
statue turned to the male statue and said, 'Great! Only this time
YOU hold the pigeon down, and I'LL crap on his head.'
Blond Joke
Three women
heard of a local legend that there was this bridge that if you
jumped off of it and made a wish, it came true. So the 3 women, a
blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, went to the bridge.
The
brunette jumps off and cries, "I wish I was a bird!"
She turns into a bird and flies away. The redhead jumps off and
cries, "I wish I was a fish!" She turns into a fish and
swims away.
The blonde
jumps off and cries, "I wish I was a....shit! I
forgot!" She turns into a crap and floats away.
Just mistake
A young man
is visiting his future wife's parent's house for dinner.
Unfortunately, he is not feeling too well, but he sits down for
dinner anyway. The family dog, Spot, takes a seat under him and
they start dinner.
Well, the
guy REALLY has to fart, so he lets out just a tiny one. The
girlfriend's mother says, "Spot! No!". The guy thinks
this is really great, the dog will get blamed. He lets a little
bigger one this time. The mother says, "Spot!! No!
Please!" in a little harsher tone.
The guy
finally decides to really let one rip, so he blasts away with a
real long one. The mother yells, "Spot! Get out of there
before he shits on you!".
Stalin's stamp
When Stalin
completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a special
postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He so instructed
the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of
international quality.
The stamps
were duly released, and Stalin was pleased. But within a couple
of days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that
the stamp was not sticking properly, and became furious.
He called
the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate
the matter. The Chief checked the matter out at several post
offices, and then reported on the problem to Stalin. He said:
``Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem
is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side.''
Doctor's malpractice
A
beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor
took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out
of the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had
disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so,
he asked her, 'Do you know what I'm doing?' 'Yes,' she replied,
'you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities.' 'That is right,' said the doctor.
He then
began to fondle her breasts. 'Do you know what I'm doing now?' he
asked. 'Yes,' the woman said, 'you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he
mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with
her. He asked, 'Do you know what I'm doing now?' 'Yes,' she said.
'You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first
place.'
Young Socrates
A father is
walking through the park with his son when they see a pair of
dogs engaging in a natural act. 'What's going on, Daddy?'
'Well, you
see son, the dog in the back has injured his front paws and the
one in front is trying to help him home.'
The boy
pondered this for a moment. 'Gee, Daddy, it's just like people!'
'How's that son?'
'Try to
help someone and you get screwed every time!'
Gender Gap
Two friends
meet in the street and one of them is obviously upset.
What's the
matter with you, the other asks. Is my wife, she is impossible,
she drives me insane. I have to get rid of her one way or
another, I think I am going to kill her.
Please
don't do that, you will spend the rest of your life in prison and
you may be executed. Instead, make love to her five times a day
and in a month, she will be dead by then.
Thirty days
later, the advice giver visits his friend and finds him in a
wheel chair, unable to walk, pale in his face, and almost dead.
What happened?, he inquires.
I don't
know, replies the man in the wheel chair, but look at her. She is
washing windows, vacuuming the floors, whistling and singing all
day long since I started the secret plan. It is the perfect
crime. She doesn't have the faintest idea that she is going to
die tomorrow .
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