Modern women often
send men mixed messages
that can drive them away, says 26-year-old
romance novelist Hillary Fields.
I write romance novels for a living. Before you groan,
"Not another woman writing about damsels in
distress and
their overmuscled Fabio-esque
rescuers," let me assure you that I take a distinctly
modern approach to the genre. Yes, some of my
characters are traditional, like a swashbuckling
pirate or a masked martial artist, but those heroes
are all women.
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More important, my male characters are not only impressed by these
fierce femmes, but they also fall head over heels with them. Unfortunately,
that scenario might be the most unrealistic thing about my novels. Despite
a recent trend in entertainment that celebrates assertive, ass-kicking chicks
(Xena, Warrior Princess; Charlie's Angels; And Crouching Tiger, Hidden
Dragon, for example), I've rarely met a guy who isn't somewhat turned off
by a powerful woman when he meets her in person.
In my novels, women are self-sufficient and goal-oriented, and they
occasionally make the first romantic move. One of my heroines might
demand, "Kiss me, you fool!" And the hero complies, thereby rewarding
her boldness and bravery.
In real life, however, I've found the opposite to be true. The more decisive
and strong-willed I act while on a date, the more likely it is that I will never
hear from the guy again. And if you make more money or are more
advanced in your career than a man, forget about it. I have a friend with a
great magazine job who fooled around with a guy who was having a hard
time breaking into that same field. After their interlude, he actually said to
her "I could never go out with someone who is more successful that I am
because I'd be too jealous."
But the fact is, women are guilty of sometimes sending guys the wrong
mesages. We gloat about how we don't need them to pay the rent, open
doors for us, and stomp on cockroaches (okay, I still prefer to get a man to
do that!), and what they hear is that they no longer have a place in our lives.
Clearly, the men who are intimidated by strong women (it's really not all of
mankind) need to stop seeing our independence as a threat. But maybe
we should meet them halfway by being careful not to marginalize them
with our actions or words. We must remember to reassure men that we
may not need them for protection and survival, but we still very much want
to have them as partners, lovers, and friends. And we need to be less
defensive of our newfound independence.
After all, though we know we can get along without them, a lot of us sense
that when we try to do so, something important is missing in our lives. I'm
currently single, but I want to meet the right guy to comfort me when I'm
feeling down, and I want to comfort him in return. I know that I will not be
completely emotionally fulfilled unless I can share myself with someone.
But until that happens, at least I have romance novels to keep me going.
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