Making light of the Littleton shooting would be callous and cruel. Human suffering and death is no place for laughs. (Even if it involves a suicide by a Brooke Shields co-star on a horrid NBC "comedy"). Truly, these are dark days. In fact, this situation is so terrible, there will be a public outcry demanding to know how such a thing could happen. Then come the ideas as to how to prevent another similar tragedy from ever occurring again. Based upon intense prognosis, the given predilections of those in power, a couple rolls of the dice, and a heavy dose of mood-altering chemicals, I have deduced the proposed solutions that you will be hearing in the editorial pages in the next few days...
1. School Metal Detectors - If we had them, the guns would have
never made their way onto campus. Installing them would keep our schools as safe as
your neighborhood airport.
2. School Uniforms - The instigators in this episode were known as
the "Trenchcoat Mafia", and it wasn't because they were always wearing Gap
Khakis. Making everyone wear the same outfit would eliminate the distinctions
between kids and erase any potential of trenchcoat-wearing gun-toters from disrupting
class again.
3. Increased Handgun Restrictions - Sure, the villains here used
automatic weapons and pipe bombs. But we've already got restrictions on those.
And kids are more apt to get their mitts on handguns anyway. We ban them, we
prevent this from happening again.
4. Hate Crime Legislation - Statistics tell us that one in 10 of us
is gay. (Not that there's anything wrong with it.) There were, by last estimation,
16 people killed. That's at least one fully gay kid and a bisexual, both dead.
Sounds like a hate crime to me. The kids that committed this heinous crime
should receive the death penalty, even if they're already dead.
5. Raising Taxes on the Wealthy - The crime occurred in one of Denver's
suburbs, where the more affluent of us live. That means that these kids were raised
by parents who had too much money and subsequently spent it on deadly firearms.
Raise the tax rate on those people and they won't be able to afford weapons.
6. Al Gore Indicted as Co-Conspirator - One guess as to where these kids
got the idea for this act. That's right, all those hate-mongering sites on the
Internet. And just who invented the Internet? Our favorite vice-president,
that's who. If Al Gore hadn't invented the Super-Information Highway, these kids
would have never thought up the idea in the first place.
7. More intense bombing of Serbia - One of the killers was named Klebold.
Sounds like a Eastern European name to me. Not only are the Serbians killing
the squatters in Kosovo, they've come over here to kill our kids!! Bomb them back to
the stone age, I say.
8. Throw all Republicans in Prison - The Trenchcoat Mafia was described
as a group with right-wing ties. After all, the reason they went on this killing
spree was because they hated blacks, Hispanics, and athletes. Just like all
Republicans! They're killing people again. If you see one on the street, feel
free to arrest them.
9. Ban South Park from TV - It's based in Colorado. There's a
character that dies a gruesome death in every episode. He wears a distinctive coat.
You do the math.
10. Stop Letting People make stupid policies - All of these ideas
will no doubt be bandied about as a way to prevent this from happening again.
Unfortunately, trajedy is just a part of the human existence as happiness is. In no
way do I endorse, condone, or justify the actions of the kids on that fateful Tuesday
afternoon. And if they were still alive, I'd be the first to give them the
chair. But horrific acts by humans have been going on since Man has been on the
planet and will no doubt continue, no matter how hard we try to eradicate it.
Passing laws that restrict freedoms will only make it easier for those to do harm by
hindering the victim's ability to fight back.
Is there something that can be done to decrease the chance of this happening at another
school? Maybe. Should it be investigated fully with great care?
Absolutely. Should we pass a bunch of laws that we hope will solve the
problem? No way. Is there a way to ensure that this will never, ever
happen again under any circumstance no matter what we do?
No.
And that may be the the most frightening aspect of it all.