5/11/99
5/11/99

The 10 Commandments II: Judgement Day

From the producers of Noah's Ark, Robert Halmi Jr. brings you the latest miniseries "based upon" the Bible. Read along and discover what lies ahead in next year's Must-See event...

Long, Long Ago in a Land Far, Far Away ... A young Israelite was born to a British Chippie (played by Emily Baxsdale from Friends). This young lad is in danger because the Egyptian Army has been instructed by the Pharoah to kill every Jewish male baby. (Using new technology, Yul Brener reprises his role as Pharoah). Rather than risk a sex-change operation on such a young child, the new mother builds an ark and places 2 of every baby toy she can find inside the boat. When the rains come, she sets her baby afloat so the Army will not take her baby

Days later, the ark comes to rest near a wading pool for the Egyptian Princess (played by Catherine Zeta-Zones). The Princess finds the baby and wishes to adopt the child as her own. After going through massive amounts of red tape (as well as an auction on eBay), the Princess is awarded custody of the young lad.

As the boy grows, he begins to suspect that he may not actually be Egyptian like he has been raised to believe. For one thing, he never works on a Saturday. Also, he begins to look like Jerry Seinfeld. His fears are finally confirmed in the classic showdown with Goliath. When he defeats the giant with his slingshot (only $19.95 available now!), Goliath draws him near and whispers "Moses, there ... is ... another..." Curious as to what this means, he travels into the Upper West Side of Cairo to see what all the Israelites are up to. There, he has an emotional reunion with his mother and vows to free them.

Moses (played by Tom Hanks) is granted a sabbatical and begins his journey to find the Lord in order to rescue his people (played by a bunch of Mexicans). He begins by taking a boat out of the Mediterranean. Things go bad when a nasty storm rises up, and the ship is attacked by a whale! Moses, while trying to escape ends up inside the belly of the beast. For 7 days and 7 nights, he toils inside the stomach of the great mammal until he finally escapes by dancing the Macerena.

Once out of the whale, he runs into the burning bush, where he has his first meeting with The Lord (voice by Reggie White). The Lord tells Moses to grow a large beard and return to Egypt to lead his people to the Promised Land, Canada.

Many years pass and Moses returns to Egypt. At first, the Pharoah scorns and will not let the Israelites leave. But Moses unleases the Plague of Must-See TV across the land, driving Pharoah insane. Pharoah initially relents, but then changes his mind. Moses then inflicts the following plagues on the Egyptians, each more worse than the next:

The Plague of the Telletubbies
The Plague of MSNBC
The Plague of Jenny Jones
The Plague of "The Not-So Fresh Feeling"
The Plague of Godzilla Merchandise
The Plague of N'SYNC
The Plague of Dry, Itchy Scalp
The Plague of The Los Angeles Clippers

Things look grave for the Jews. Even after the 9 plauges, Pharoah still will not give in. However, the worst is yet to come. The Lord, angry at Pharoah, sends the plague of Erectile Disfunction (played by Bob Dole). Pharoah gives in and Moses is on his way chanting "Free at Last"

This leads to a dramatic chase scene across the parted Red Sea. Explosions, Fireworks, and just a little bit of sexual tension make for a wild ride accross the sea floor. Just as Moses shepherds the last of the Israelites accross, he quotes "Hasta la vista, Pharoah!" as the sea walls come crashing in on the Egyptian Army in chase.

Not all is wine and roses for the newly freed Jews. There is much desert to be crossed before they reach the Promised Land (Canada). First, the wives complain about health care. Then there are the issues of whether the kids should be allowed to play with the spears, and just how many goats to save up for the elderly. When the bickering reaches new heights, Moses quiets them by telling them he is climbing a mountain to receive God's Word. Only then will all their problems be answered. Once Moses scales Mount St. Helens, God gives him The Ten Commandments:

1. Thou shalt never impeach a President for having sex with an intern.
2. Thou shalt watch NBC on Thursdays, no matter how crappy the shows are.
3. Thou shalt listen to Dr. Laura and heed her advice.
4. Thou shalt be swayed by the soothing tones of Baby Spice.
5. Thou shalt not kill, unless it is a Republican.
6. Thou shalt not covet thy Neighbor's Wife's goods.
7. Honor thy Father and Mother up until you turn 12. Then, all bets are off.
8. I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt thank me when you win a Grammy.
9. Thou shalt not send a man to jail when he murders his ex-wife and her friend. Let him play golf.
10. Thou shalt buy my action figure with the kung-fu grip.

And thus spoke the Lord. Now this commercial for Dateline!