"I Turn To You" part 1

WIP Story

Title: I Turn To You
Author: Renton Kenobi
Rating: PG (attempted sucide)
Summary: Obi-Wan runs away the Temple when Qui-Gon tells him he won't take him back as his Padawan, but Qui-Gon goes after him and when they meet a year later things don't go well.
Spoilers: JA series
Timing: Obi-Wan is 14
Disclaimers: All Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Mace belong to George Lucas, Nova belongs to Renton. There is no money made, we just play in his sandbox.
Italics mean flashback

Okay I am not a Christina Agulera fan but I think the lyrics to this song works for what I want to write and please be kind.

*********

You've failed Obi-Wan, do you think you could actually become a Jedi Knight after what you have done?

No...I...

Do you think I would ask you to be my padawan again?

I...

You will never become a Jedi.

Obi-Wan Kenobi sat in a dark alley way on the outer rim planet of Benal 3. He had become very thin. Too thin. He had run away from the temple. He didn't want to hurt Qui-Gon anymore. After what he had done, he didn't deserve to be anyones padawan especially Qui-Gon's padawan.

He didn't even know how he got onto this backwater planet. Obi-Wan just ended up there. He had become sort of a floater, going to and from diffrent planets living with any people that would take him in.

Obi-Wan stepped in the street and made his way into the streets of Benal 3. He blended into the crowds with not much difficulty. As he made his way towards the center of town.

People cleard out of his way. He didn't look like the same Obi-Wan that people knew at the temple. He had cut his padawan style braid and ponytail and his hair is now short. He quickly turned the corner and ran head first into a extremely tall man.

He looked up to the man and shook his head.

No
No!
How did he find him?
How is it possible?

Obi-Wan stepped back and stumbled a bit.

Qui-Gon?

**********

"Will you ever take me back, Qui-Gon?"

The words hungin the cold air. Qui-Gon didn't answer, but kept on walkling.

"I know I am meant to be a Jedi," Obi-Wan added. "I'll never doubt that again."

"I know you are meant to be a Jedi too," Qui-Gon answered carefully. "But whether you are meant to be my Padawan again is not so clear."

That same scene haunted Obi-Wan Kenobi every moment of everyday. He had been accepted back into the Jedi Order, but his wanting was not done. He wanted Qui-Gon to take him back. So badly. He had realized his mistake back on Melida/Daan. Obi-Wan had broken the heart of a sensitive man. A man he wanted so badly as his master, but, his future with Qui-Gon Jinn hung on a thin frayed rope.

Obi-Wan had been on probation for at least a year before the council would let him become a full padawan again. One mistake, one misstep could mean he would be kicked out of the temple forever. He was bound and determined that he would not let that happen.

But what if Qui-Gon didn't take him back? Obi-Wan had been under the supervision of Qui-Gon while he was on probation. Nothing was the same. Meals carried with it a silence that nawed at Obi-Wan's heart that he so longed to break. Qui-Gon hardly addressed Obi-Wan directly, his words were reserved for other knights, not Obi-Wan.

It hurt Obi-Wan badly that he had done this to him. He knew what Xanatos turning to the dark side had done to him...

He had done exactly the same.

Obi-Wan made his way down the main hallway of the Jedi Temple with his head hung low. He himself hardly spoke anymore. He blended into the late night mix of knights, diplomats, and students that were burning the midnight oil. He had spent the day with Bant. Qui-Gon gave him permission to. So he made his way to the familiar quarters that he shared with Qui-Gon.

The one place he would rather not be.

He silently made his way into the dark cold quarters trying to not disturb Qui-Gon. But, he should have known that Qui-Gon would be working late. He always had. "Obi-Wan?"

Obi-Wan winced at the sound of his name. He just knew that he did something wrong. Obi-Wan walked down to Qui-Gon's room and stuck his head into the door. Qui-Gon's big figure was hunched over his desk. "Yes...Master..I mean Qui-Gon?"

Qui-Gon turned to face his former padawan. His aquatic blue eyes met with Obi-Wan's. "Sit, we need to talk." Obi-Wan slowly made his way to a chair next to Qui-Gon's sleeping couch and he twisted his fingers unconciously. "It's about your future at the temple."

Obi-Wan winced. "You won't take me back, will you?" Qui-Gon looked to the ground. Obi-Wan held his urge to cry. He would not do that.

"I didn't say that Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon said softly. How would he put this? "It isn't you, it's me. I don't think I could give you everything that a padawan needs."

Obi-Wan knew it would come. He knew that it would come. It still didn't hide the pain he felt.

"I understand." With that Obi-Wan darted out of the room and the quarters. Qui-Gon just sat there.

He knew Obi-Wan needed to be alone.

*******

Obi-Wan had gone out into the city trying to figure out what he was going to do. He realized now more than ever that he had made a bad mistake. Which hurt two people, instead of just one. What I am going to do? There was many things that he could do.

But it was plain and simple. He wanted Qui-Gon.

Obi-Wan saw the pain that he had caused Qui-Gon. He had to leave. Yes!

Obi-Wan would leave and he would not hurt anyone anymore.

********

Now his former master was standing before him, on a dusty street on Benal 3, staring at him like he was some duranged creature. Incapable of forming any sort of coherent thought Obi-Wan just stood there blankly. Not knowing what to say for the simple fact that he was the reason why he left.

Qui-Gon stood looking at what seemed to be Obi-Wan Kenobi. He could kick himself for turning him down the way he did. But now look at him he was extremely thin. He didn't have his padawan hair cut anymore. Black circles were around his eyes from mal nurishment and lack of sleep. He had done this to him. "Obi-Wan."

The sound of Qui-Gon's voice was like an alarm to Obi-Wan's ears. As soon as Qui-Gon started to speak, Obi-Wan was in a dead run back down the street.

"Obi-Wan!" Qui-Gon started to go after him but a large dark hand stoped him. He turned around and looked at the man who stoped him. "What are you doing?"

Mace Windu spoke. "Don't worry, he will come to you. Just give him some time."

***

Obi-Wan ran into a small cafe where he had been working for the past month and a half. He darted into the kitchen searching for his friend Nova. "Nova!" He screamed, he knew that she was working today. "Nova!"

"Geez Obi I'm over here." Nova peeked her head out the door of the break room. She saw the panic in Obi-Wan's eye. She rushed over to him and placed her hand on his cheek. "Your soaked with sweat." She wiped her hand on his black tunic. "What happend? Are you in some kind of trouble?"

Obi-Wan nodded frantically. "Yes...well sort of." Nova put her hand on her hips and waited for an explination. Obi-Wan put his hands on her shoulders. "Nova...HE is here."

Nova pulled off his hands. "What do you mean he." Obi-Wan just stared at her until it dawned on her. "Gods, you mean, your master?" Obi-Wan just nodded in reply. "What did you do?"

"I ran." He replied. Obi-Wan could since that she didn't approve. "What was I supposed to do?" Nova walked over to him and pulled up his tunic sleeves and showed him the scars on his wrists that were about two inches long. She traced one of them with her finger.

"Show that what he put you through."

**************************

Nova Lei strode down the streets of Benal 3 making her way to the small hole in the wall that she called home. She herself was a runaway. She ran away from home when she was ten years old, she was now twenty. She just assumed she cared about Obi-Wan so much is that she felt bad for the kid. But she knew how much it hurt him to leave the temple. It was his home, family, and friends. It took alot of gut on his part to leave she thought.

But his decision is what tore him apart.

When she first met Obi-Wan when he came to Benal 3 he was very much into depression. She had never seen it so bad. He looked like his soul had been ripped out and just an empty shell was left in the place of what used to be Obi-Wan Kenobi.

And her worst fears came true about one month ago.

Nova made her usual trip back to her home from her work at the local cafe. The walk home was nothing unusual. Her mind was on Obi-Wan Kenobi, the new kid at the apartment complex she lived in. He had an old soul, or none at all. She be-friended him as soon as he came to Benal. Almost as if rutine she checked in on him everyday after work. He was so young.

She ran up the stairs two at a time to her and Obi-Wan's rooms. Obi-Wan told her that she had some capabilities with the thing he called the force. Something in the back of her mind said that something here was not right. There was something wrong. She knocked on Obi-Wan's door. "Obi-Wan?" She didn't hear him answer. Nova knocked on the door again. "Are you there?"

"He hasn't answered all day." Nova turned to a small girl standing by his door.

"What do you mean?"

The girl pulled out a quite large book and showed it to Nova. "He let me borrow this book. I wanted to give it back."

Now Nova was worried.

She now was pounding the door. "Obi-Wan!" Letting the law slip her mind she knock down the door and ran into his small living space. She ran into his room and saw him lying on the floor next to his bed. "Obi-Wan?" She walked up next to him and stared at him. The room was quite dark and she couldn't see well. "Computer lights on at 5." The room lit up and he was covered in what looked like his own blood. She bent down to him and picked up his arm.

He had slit his wrist.

"Amanda!" She screamed. "Get Dr. Andrews now!" Nova gripped Obi-Wan's wrists tightly trying to stop the flow of blood. "Obi-Wan please hold on. Please."

*************

Obi-Wan Kenobi made his way to town from the small hole in the wall that he lived in with Nova. He couldn't complain, it was a place to live. When he was on Yavin he slept in alleyways and warehouses. He liked it on Benal, he felt almost comfortable here. The hairs on the back of his neck.

Someone was here that he surely didn't want to see.

He quickly turned to see Qui-Gon Jinn standing in front of him. No! Obi-Wan would not run away from him. He didn't need to. Like Nova said, he should show him what he has gone through, show what rejecting him felt like.

"Obi-Wan?" The sound of his voice was like a ice pick stabbing through his brain. Qui-Gon was totally naieve to the situation. Had no clue to what has happend.

"Qui-Gon." Obi-Wan said with a sharp tounge. It surprised him to see Qui-Gon flinch at his tone. But personally, Obi-Wan didn't care.

"I...I've been searching for you." Qui-Gon stammered out. Not knowing if he should continue, Obi-Wan was angry. "May we talk?"

Obi-Wan walked towards him staring him down which hit Qui-Gon to the core. Should he let him talk? "No."

Qui-Gon stiffend as if he had been hit. "No?"

"No!" Obi-Wan snapped. I turned to walk away, he waved his hand to brush Qui-Gon off. "I have nothing to say to you."

"But Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon almost cried. "Please can we talk? It's about you coming back to the temple."

Obi-Wan turned back to him. "I'm not going back."

"What...I thought you would want to?"

"I guess that shows how much you know me Qui-Gon." Obi-Wan glared at him. He pulled down his collar on his neck to reveal a thin scar across his kneck. "Do you know what that is Qui-Gon? Do you!" Qui-Gon was speechless. "Not enough Qui-Gon? How about this?" He pulled up his sleeves to reveal his scars on his wrists. "Do you get the picture Qui-Gon?"

"Obi-Wan I-" Qui-Gon wanted to cry. How could he do this.

"Did you even begin to think that you wouldn't hurt me?" Obi-Wan began to cry. "Did you think that I would take it okay. 'Yeah, sure Master I understand you don't want to train me anymore.'" Obi-Wan got right up into his face. "Do you know how much it hurt when you said that to me Qui-Gon? I had never in my life felt that. Never. I couldn't stand to wake up to face another day knowing that I was rejected from the only father I have ever known. Ever! I tried to kill myself Qui-Gon. Twice." Obi-Wan fought the tears. " I had been in depression for so long, luckily I have friends who give a about me." Qui-Gon clamped his eyes shut.

Obi-Wan turned to walk away and said coldly. "Which is more than I can say for you."

***********

"What nerve!" Obi-Wan screamed loudly as he slamed the entrance to Nova's room, it made her jump. Wow...he must have really told him off. "Trying to act like everything is just peachy!" He flung his jacket onto the bed and floped down into a recliner. Nova came behind him and rubbed his shoulders. "I told him what I did Nova."

She was not suprised. "It was the best thing you could have done." He sighed and stood back up. "Don't dwell on it Obi-Wan. You did what needed to be done." Obi-Wan rubbed his eyes. "Obi-Wan he deserved it...you have said it yourself." Obi-Wan looked at his chronometer.

"Look I need to go." Obi-Wan pulled out a book. "I told Amanda I'd read with her today." Nova smiled, the little kids loved him, he was the older brother they would never have. He walked over and gave Nova a hug. "I promise I won't be out late."

"Okay." Nova let out a sigh. "Don't get into trouble."

"I won't."

******

Qui-Gon and Mace Windu sat a at a small cafe that was diagonally across from the apartment complex that Obi-Wan had walked to after the meeting with Qui-Gon. It had blown Qui-Gon away seeing his former Padawan again. Was he responsible for what happend to him? Was it his fault?

"Stop wallowing in self guilt." Mace Windu said sipping on a cup of caffe.

Qui-Gon gave a painful smirk. "I was projecting wasn't I?" Mace Windu nodded and continued to drink his caffe with much contentment. Qui-Gon let his eyes wander back to the apartment complex.

And then he saw him.

It was Obi-Wan. He was holding a small girl, who couldn't be much older than six, walking to a park bench that was right outside the complex. He sat down and put the small girl in his lap. Obi-Wan carefully opened the old book and began to read to the young girl. It filled Qui-Gon's heart with a love that he only gave to those he truely cared about.

Which was Obi-Wan.

But that had changed. What he had with him was gone. Would he want to change the past? Yes. He wanted him back so badly...

But had hurt him too much for Obi-Wan to want him back.

**************

Nova stood in the kitchen part of the small cafe she waited on she was on her break. No one could yell at her now. She rubbed her upper right arm trying to get the stiffness out of it from carrying heavy trays back and forth all morning. She took a cup from the counter that was next to her and filled it up with water. Stepping out back she took in a deep breath of the cool Benal air. Almost lost within the moment, she didn't since the presence that walked from behind her.

"Hello." She abruptly turned to see herself face to face with the man she never had met but had learned to hate with a passion. Qui-Gon Jinn, the man responsible for causing Obi-Wan, her best friend, so much needles pain. "Are you the one they call Nova?"

She turned away from him showing she didn't want anything to do with him. Nova desprately tried to control the anger that was enraged within her. "I have nothing to say to you." She went to walk away but Qui-Gon grabbed her by the wrist and turned her around. "Let go, I'll get Obi-Wan over here and believe me he would hurt you gravely if you tried to do anything to me."

"I have something to say to you." Qui-Gon quickly said in retort trying to ignore the girl's last comment. "I am only here to help Obi-Wan not hurt him." Nova rolled her eyes.

"Like you haven't done that allready." Nova said barely above a whisper. "Don't you even realize what you put him through?" Nova snorted in disgust. "I suppose you wouldn't." She held back the urge to sock him in the gut. "I have been here for him. Through everything, the nightmares, the tears, the attempts he has made on his life." She pointed her index finger at him. "It's all your fault Qui-Gon. Everything that poor boy has gone through, is the fate you gave him."

Wow. She must have done something, she saw the Jedi Master turn to wipe away a few stray tears that had somehow fallen. Qui-Gon turned back to Nova with his eyes red and bloodshot. "Don't you think I realize what I had done to him? I just didn't think it would end up like this never. It was my fault, yes. But, if he hadn't of run-"

"Stop it right there." Nova said coldly. "Do you seriously believe that you gave him any other option. He needed you, wanted you, loved you. You were the father he would never know. From what he has told me I would kill to have a friendship like you two had once shared. Qui-Gon you were the one who ruined this. Not Obi-Wan, he was just the soul you tore in two because of your self-pity." She couldn't hold it in anymore. Nova gave Qui-Gon a quick slap across the face. "You are no Jedi Master. If you were, Obi-Wan would be with you."

***********

Qui-Gon Jinn sat in the corner of a small room he had checked into on Benal 3. He sliently cried into his hands. How could he have done this to Obi-Wan. All he could see was Obi-Wan's scars, and the painful truth that it was his fault that he had done that to himself.

How would he ever get Obi-Wan back? Would he even want to come back? Qui-Gon thought he probably wouldn't. Not after what had happend, not this time. There probably wasn't any way that he would come back to Qui-Gon.

****

"Wow then what happend?" Amanda sat on the floor of Nova's floor. Giving her full attention to Obi-Wan, who was telling a few of the local kids a story. He had come to be known as the local story teller.

"Well, then the young apprentice decided to help the young kids." Obi-Wan was telling them stories that were from real life. Even though the kids thought other wise. These were stories from his life. "But he hurt his master deeply when he did."

"But the apprentice just wanted to do good?" A young Yavinian child said. Obi-Wan tried to hold back his emotions to not let the kids see how this was affecting him.

"Yes but he broke the trust of his master." Obi-Wan said carefully. He looked at his chronometer. "Well I'm sorry but that's all for today. You should start getting home." The kids gave a groan in unison showing they didn't want to leave.

As the few kids began to file out of the appartment. Nova walked in behind Obi-Wan and put her hand on his shoulder. "You know that they love it when you tell them stories." He nugged Nova's hand off his shoulder. "Obi-Wan, what's wrong?"

Obi-Wan turned from her and wiped away some few tears. "What have I done Nova?" Nova looked around to him. "Was I right to say what I said?"

"Obi-Wan, listen to me." Nova grabbed him. "Don't think he didn't deserve what he got. He rejected you Obi-Wan, he was the one who left you. Qui-Gon talks about having a sensitive heart. He has alot of nerve, he tore yours out and he left. Didn't he even think what he did to you would hurt you?"

Obi-Wan clamped his eyes shut trying to stop the pain. Nova pulled him into her arms and he began to cry silently. "Why can't I have a normal life?" Nova laughed somewhat.

"Who really has a normal life?" He pulled back out of her embrace and wiped his tears. Obi-Wan laughed and smiled at Nova.

Obi-Wan rubbed his eyes and looked at his chronometer. "It's late. Breakfast tommorow."

"As always." Nova smiled. "I'll see you in the morning."

*********

TBC

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