Living with constant pain...my thoughts.

If you have come to this area, I hope it is because you are "just looking around" and NOT that you are suffering from being in constant pain. a way of life I have come to know first hand.

Believe me, I would not wish this "hell" on my worst enemies.

Since May 5, 1995, I have lived with this constant horrible pain. It has affected EVERY aspect of my life now and it doesn't seem to be letting up. The everyday, simple tasks of housework, like standing to wash dishes or sweeping, mopping or vaccuming are almost unbearable, going to the grocery store for groceries leaves me devasted for nearly three days, going shopping at Walmart or the mall is next to impossible. My husband says I have become a "hermit" and he is probally right...I have lost touch with most of my friends because the pain has "taken control of my life" and that's all I seem to think about or talk about. I don't like to go places with them because I feel like I am keeping them from enjoying themselves. And when I do venture out... I try real hard to keep a smile on my face and not let on that I am hurting...but...somehow the pain ALWAYS shows through......

I have been seen by several different doctors, including physical medicine, orthopedic surgeons, ansetholigists, chiorpractors,pain management specialists, physical therapists, and physicratists. I have undergone months of all types of physical therapies, work hardening programs. I have had several nerve blocks done, trigger points and steroid and cortizone injections to my lower back and shoulder. I have been through weeks of biofeed back and "imagery" pain management sessions, and many, many hours of counciling sessions, I have had MRI's, Catscans. EMG's, EKG's, Stress tests, Xrays, bloodwork........

And of course all the prescriptions..... the pills and patches for pain ,the muscle relaxers, the anti-inflamatory medicines, several types of anti-depression pills and sleeping pills,

You name it...I have probally taken it or have had it done.

And still I live in this world of pain. The doctors don't seem to have any answers for my pain...and neither do I. My life has changed so very much since that day in May '95.

My official diagnosis was that I had suffered a "traumatic back and cervical sprain/strain" and tendon inpingment in my left shoulder....Now its been upgraded to CHRONIC back and cervical sprain with nerve root envolvement in my lumbar/sacro spine and CHRONIC tendonitisis of the left shoulder, osteoarthritis, CHRONIC PAIN SYNDROME, fibromyalgia and Mayofacia Pain Syndrome along with severe depression. I have been asked hundreds of times what exactly
"I did" that day to cause my injury. I have no real answer to that question.....the doctors say I have a "repetitive lifting injury"..."It was the straw that broke the camels back".

I was doing what I ALWAYS had done,..for the last 15 years...nothing out of the ordinary, Most of the morning I had been pulling stock, moving cases of merchandise, climbing a ladder to see "what was in the boxes" up on the shelves, running "out front" to answer the cashiers "calls for the manager"and to handle our customers "needs". I did not start hurting until I had finally taken a break at lunch and sat down. It all started with a muscle spasm in my lower left hip area and by the end of my shift I was in dire pain and muscle spasms from my neck down to my lower back and I had a throbbing headache that lasted for 5 days. I did not know what I had done..but it was the weekend and I thought it would go away..well it did not go away..it only got worse....and finally on Wenesday my boss finally let me go to see a doctor.

My duties included lots of different things, from office work ..,ordering the store... supervising the cashiers,.. to working in the stockroom or unloading the warehouse truck. I was a HARD worker and really enjoyed what I did. There wasn't anything I didn't do....
and now I am paying the price for it.

I hardly ever took a day off... even when I was really sick. In fact, with the exception of an occasional cold or my annual physical..,..I had not been to see a doctor since my daughter was born back in 1976. I rarely took all my vacation time and had the max of banked sickdays when
this happened.

Now...my life is doctors and hospitals!

And believe me. they are all reaping the benefits of my injury!!!
Let me enlighten you on some of their "benefits" :

30 minutes of ME exercising...therapist reading a paperback book....$67.50

4-8 hours "workhardening" or "workconditioning" programs (exercise & therapy program... mostly unsupervised)... At one place....I got to clean out the hospital's laundry cabinets and refold all their sheets & towels, clean and organize their offices, some of the guys were told to paint the rooms and halls, to do repairs to the ceilings and other misc. carpentry work.... $300-$650 a day each person plus $20.00 each person for transportation
...and I drove my own car!!!

20 minutes of either a Heating pad or cold pack...$30,00

30 minute biofeedback session.....$125.00

1 set of steroid or cortizone injections in my back.....over $2000.00 because of having to use the operating room for "day surgery" and an extra $325.00 for a hospital room to use while I am there.

30 to 1 hour of group counciling.....$60.00-$125.00 per person in group therapy!

The list of outrageous charges goes on and on.....Every one else....but me...seems to be benefiting from all the medical treatments I get.

And then there's the insurance company...
if the doctor orders any therapy or wants me to have a specific treatment plan...it has to go before a review board first and it can take as long as a month before I an told if I can have the treatment or not. In the meantime...I am the one in all the agony...sometimes I wish they could just trade places with me for 5 minutes...then they would understand what I have to live with each day. I realize they (the medical system and the insurance companies) have gotten this way because of all the people who have FAKED their injuries...but for those of us who are really hurt...we are paying the ultimate price.

And it isn't fair!!!

If I sound bitter...well...I guess I am. I hate the way I am and the way I feel. I feel guilty for "doing this to my family"...for bringing on our financial hardships. I wonder if I am being punished for something that I did....but deep down I know this isn't so. If only I had a PHYSICAL INJURY that people could see...especially my husband...then they could understand what all I go must go through. I am a completely different person than I once was...I wish I could go back in time and change things....to be "normal" again....but I know I cannot....so I pray that someday I WILL learn to accept and live with my pain...and to be happy once again.

Update 3/1/98: I wish I could say things have gotten alot better but the truth is they have not. I have been dealing with the constant pain a little better these last couple of months.
and I am trying to keep a positive outlook on my life. and keep as active as I can. I am fixing to start another 4-6 weeks "work conditioning" program.....third one now.
Will let you know how it goes.

You are visitor Page last updated 2/28/98

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