Hi, it's me again! (smile) I just wanted to share a few things with you all about my life, where I came from and where I am today. I was born on July 24, 1956 at Hamilton AFB, California. I was one of six children, 5 girls and one boy...(Poor guy, huh?) We traveled quite a bit from base to base, but eventually we ended up at Moody Air Force Base in Valdosta, Georgia......the place that I call home today. Throughout my life I witnessed abuse, alcoholism in progress, and I just knew that I "would never be like that!" My father is an alcoholic and my mother wasn't strong enough to walk away. I learned how to comfort my mother and I knew how high to jump when dad said jump. But most of all, I knew how to hide my feelings, my embarrassment, my guilt, my fear, and my pain from all those who knew me. I was that "happy" person who always had a smile on my face.....
I went through my school years knowing that I was not really accepted by those that I thought were "really cool" but I pretended that I was just as good, and that it didn't really matter to me, and I just kept smiling......on the outside! But deep inside, I wanted so badly to be like everyone else. So sure of themselves and always knowing the right thing to say or to do. I became somewhat of a class clown. (sound familiar?) I realize that we weren't all class clowns, but I think we all had someway of being noticed. For me, I knew how to be funny! At least I thought I was. Today I wonder if they were laughing with me or at me. The great part is, I really don't care today.
Moving a little further on, I knew as I was becoming an adult that I was different from other people. I didn't really understand why, but I knew that my life was just not as wonderful as their's seemed to be. I felt as though I was worth the kind of life that I thought others had, but somehow I just didn't feel like they did. After graduating from High School, I got a phone call from a basketball coach to inform me that Valdosta State University (was a college at the time) was forming their first girl's basketball team the next year and asked if I was interested in playing. (I played in High School) Oh yes, this would make me "somebody" I just knew it. So, I started college, but really because of the fame that playing ball would give me. I would be just like everybody else then. I also started working as a bartender at a really nice place in town, so I was important to all those "social drinkers" (LOL) too. The day before our very first VSC girls basketball game I tore a ligament in my leg while doing wind sprints. Well, there goes the fame!! I completed my first year of college and then decided that I was making enough money bartending and didn't need a career. I was still very adamant about "not drinking" because again, I was never going to be like that. I would never be like my father. I was a good bartender.....matter of fact my boss told me he'd put me up against any bartender in the country. I knew how to excel at anything that I did. (still working on the html perfection*G*) Then came the dreaded "relationship" era....I didn't know much about that because I never dated in high school. I was just a tall, skinny, basketball player who spent my time after school riding my horse....did I mention that I was a barrel racer? Sold my horse during my "college basketball priority!" Anyway, my first relationship was pretty good. He was a nice guy and he loved me. Was going to marry me even! (smile) Well, you know with every "first" relationship there comes a "first" disagreement. I remember it so well....it was as though I had no idea how to react....no idea whatsoever. He sat in the bar that I was working at with "another girl" and I thought that I was supposed to at least react. I started thinking about how I should feel, and suddenly my mind went to tv....you know the story....they fight, they break up, someone gets drunk and throws the glass across the room in anger.....That's it, that's what I'll do! I fixed the most powerful drink (with a fruity flavor so I could tolerate the taste), and then I went into the "closed" kitchen and sat on a barstool and drank, and drank, and drank.....Then it was time for the big moment.....I stood up, threw the glass across the kitchen to watch it shatter against the wall. OK, Now I should "feel" something. Well, I don't recall it, but I must have "felt" the floor because that's where my boyfriend found me. Passed out in the kitchen on the floor. Glad I missed that one! I could have hurt myself, huh? It's funny, but right then I knew that I had to find out how to do this thing called alcohol. That was my first drug of choice. Over the years, many "abusive" relationships (funny how we always seemed to find someone just like dad) and three engagements, I knew something just wasn't right. These guys "loved?" me, yet they could abuse me, and I didn't really understand it, but I was just like mom. Not strong enough to walk away. I guess I just wasn't good enough for anything more than that either. After I was "strong" enough to leave the third man that I was engaged to, I became a "single" person and was loving it. Did what "I" wanted and when I wanted to. I was awoken about 4 AM one morning by the hospital. A friend of mine was in an accident and she requested that they call me. She was one of my waitresses and had no family here. I had only been to bed for about 2 hours at the time. Well, I ended up being up all night long and all day and then had to go to work. I was so very tired. One of the bartenders that I worked with was on prescription diet pills and told me to take one, that it would help. Well, I had never done "drugs" and just as before, "I would never do that," but she convinced me that it would not make me feel as though I was "on" something, but would only wake me up. "WOW" was I awake. I was so energetic and very impressed. I knew how to do "alcohol" very well, and now I needed to know how to do this. I ended up staying up all night again, but this time it was because of this "energy pill" and the next day I returned to work "needing another one" in order to stay awake. After about 3 days of this she told me "you can't do this!" Oh, but I didn't, remember? You can't give me something to keep me up and then just take them away! I was actually "desperate" and this feeling was very new to me. She refused to let me have anymore. This was my very first (and only) experience with theft. I went into the closet where our purses were and "took" some of her pills. I only took half of one in order to be able to sleep that night. I did sleep and was fine at work the next night, but all I could think about were those pills that were "now mine" sitting in my purse. I started taking them just for that extra boost of energy. (Like I needed it or something) After they were gone, and knowing that somewhere deep inside I just couldn't "steal" hers again, I asked around for some speed. Bought a bottle from someone with 800 RJS's for $80.00.....What a bargain....only 10 cent a piece. Hmmmmm....everyone was paying $1.00 for these things. I can make some money here too. I began "living" on these pills and although my mind said "go, go, go," my body finally said "STOP!" I was fortunate to have friends at my apartment at the time and the paramedics were called to "revive" me. My first "second chance" at life was given to me. But I didn't think about it that way back then. All I knew then was that I would have to find a "different" drug because this one was killing me. So, off to search for something new.
I'll skip on past, but during the next few years I continued to search for something to make me feel important....one drug after the other, one sexual encounter after the other, whatever it took to feel loved. I didn't realize how much guilt I was building up inside and that the day would come that I would "BE" somebody that was worthy and I'd have to look back upon all of this in order to come to terms with it. I eventually met a man who was playing keyboards in a band. He was gentle and kind and since singing was my "dream" in life, we connected pretty easily. I started singing with the band and loving life. The day he asked me to marry him, I knew right then that I was going to be okay.....this guy would never treat me like the others and that was a good enough reason for me. We married and soon had our first child. Things were real good. I still drank alot though. That part didn't change. After my bartending job, I would go out to the club where he played and would drink until he finished for the night. But we were productive members of society.....(are we laughing yet?) We did cocaine on special occasions (i.e. birthday, anniversary, etc.) but that bottle was always there at my fingertips when I wanted it. All of our friends did alot of cocaine, but we were different....only on "special" occasions for us.
Eventually the place that I had bartended for 9 years closed. The owner was just tired of it and wanted to take a break. I went to work for another place, but during that time a new company bought the building and had plans of making a five star restaurant and lounge out of it. Because I had run the lounge in that building for so long, the new owners, after hearing repeatedly "you need Jami here," came to the place that I was working and offered me more money and "get this," a cadillac company car......Man, a bartender with a "company car?" They had been watching me work for a few days and decided to give me an offer I couldn't refuse. So, I hired my husband to put together a different type of band to suit a five star lounge. Tuxedo's, upright bass, keyboard, drums, and trumpet. The right type of look with the right type of music. It was going well in the beginning, but eventually the prices for "5-star" was just too much for our town, and suddenly the doors were locked, the owners had disappeared, and I was a few thousand dollars (in back pay) in the hole. By this time we had 2 children, and we were both out of work. That's when the real trouble started. A friend of my husbands told him, "you're always coming to me for cocaine for someone else, so why don't you just buy some and sell it for profit until you both find jobs!" You know, just something to put food on the table until we both got back to work somewhere. Well folks, this was the beginning of the end. (or was it possibly my "true" beginning at life??) Suddenly this drug that we only did on special occasions was sitting in our home 24 hours a day. I won't go into the next 18 months, but I will say that I couldn't make it through the day without it, would find it no matter where my husband hid it, and was destroying myself little by little, day by day. The ending came when I found a massive amount that he had "misplaced" about a year earlier, and I was in heaven. No more searching, hiding video cameras to see where he hides it, etc. I had my own "stash" now. But I was going to do it productively, make it last a long time....(LOL) I started it and didn't stop until it was gone, and by all reasons I should have been gone too.....AGAIN! I went through some pretty insane experiences during those few days, and at one point I fell to my knees, and for the first time in all the times that I had said these words, this time I truly meant them.....I held my arms up in the air and looked to the heavens and cried "GOD PLEASE HELP ME!" I don't remember how I got there, but I awoke in my bed to find my husband and children had disappeared, and also to find this beautiful woman who I had never seen before standing in my room. My friends, this woman had a glow about her that I will never forget as long as I live. She came to my bedside, sat down and took my hands and said to me "I will help you if you let me!" Soon after, I was in the emergency room to find that I had made it.....one more time!
Now for the great part.....This "gorgeous" doctor, who everyone around here knows about, was the doctor treating me. He looked into my eyes....(OH MY GOD, I WAS IN HEAVEN FOR SURE), and he said, "Do you want help?" I said yes. Next thing I knew I was being transported to a detox center. That darn doctor, I thought "HE" was going to help me (smile). Little did I know then, that what I had searched for all of my life, the ability to face life on it's terms and to know God, and to love myself, was heading right in my direction. My life began on this day.......November 17, 1987. My first meeting was actually an AA meeting and my first sponsor was also AA. AA came into the detox center where I was "visiting!" After detox, I found my children, went and got them and filed for divorce. Then I began attending NA meetings, mainly because most of the people that I knew in detox were going there, but also because the counselor that I had, who became a "special" part of my life was also going there....In 1988, I started a second group of Narcotics Anonymous, called the "Spirit of Recovery" group of Narcotics Anonymous, because the other group was only meeting 3-4 nights a week and I needed more and so did many others.....I found out that I was not a bad person, that I was worthy of life, and that I could make it without the use of drugs or alcohol in my life. I walked into the doors of a room that I didn't know what was behind, and I found alot of love. I found people who didn't ask me "why do you do that?" They all knew why and they loved me still. All they cared about is what I wanted to do about my problem and how could they help! How wonderful it was to find out that I wasn't alone, wasn't judged, and wasn't going to have to live without hope anymore. In 1990 I remarried and suddenly became the mother of four instead of two......Took alot of hard work, faith, prayer, and courage to get past the new trials and tribulations that faced both of us, but we made it through. I am grateful today for those trials, because I grow with each new learning, and sometimes painful, experiences. On September 13, 1997, I became a grandmother and I am just in "awe" of the miracles and blessings that God has given to me. Today I can smile again and I can share that with others. I still need all those people in my life that taught me this way, and I also need those that are just learning how we do it help to remind me that it's still "hell" out there, and because recovery is a lifetime thing. One day at a time, "WE" can make it........
Silly me, I went right past the last page and didn't sign that guestbook again. Jami will never know I've been here unless I sign the book and this is my LAST CHANCE to let her know I was here. And that will make her soooooo happy. I'll sign it right now......
