"The Gift"
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday,
and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration,
he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought
a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves
and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents,
the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister,
I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones
that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought
them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks
and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked
really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no
doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to
see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just
think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love."
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
Do Anything !!!
A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall,
closes his door,cand kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything." He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything." His voice softens. "Anything??" She smiles mischievously, "Anything."
His voice turns to a whisper, "Would you...study?"
"Spaghetti"
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she
told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money
and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby
there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, " Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the
back.
I'll take care of the expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at
the office.
"Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail
today from Europe,
and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to
you".
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard,
fell to the
floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead
medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had
precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti
- Two with sausage and meatballs, two without!"
Condom
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train.
Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man
"Aren't they cute, what is their names?"
The man giving the lady an angry look replied "I don't know".
The lady asked again "which is a boy and which is a girl".
The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know".
The woman then started to scold the man "What kind of a father are you?"
The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and
these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company"
Young Love
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12
and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's
really hot.
I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night.
We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out.
And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.
Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time,
so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.
He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Chipmunk
There was this man who went to Australia for Holiday...
And on his way back to Singapore...
He found a chipmunk and he decided to smuggle it back to Singapore...
So...He kept the chipmunk inside his pants...And he made it...
He passed custom check...So when he was on the plane,
he was so excited and kept thinking where should he display his new pet...
Suddenly he shouted, "OUCH!" The flight stewardress came over and asked him is he ok??
He just nodded his head and asked for some panadol...
The flight stewardness did what she was told...
So not long after that, this man shouted,"OUCH!" even more louder and painful...
The flight stewardness quickly ran forward and offered help...
but he said he was ok... and asked for more panadols...
and again the flight stewardness did it...
Finally, the flight had landed and the man was about to pass
through the custom checkpoint...AND HE SHOUTED AGAIN...
But this time he put his hand into the pants and threw the chipmunk away...
And of course, this man was caught and brought into a room for questioning...
This was what happened:
Custom Officer : "I heard from the flight stewardness that
you were in great pain when U were on flight,
so does this have something to do with the chipmunk???"
The man : "Yes..."
Custom Officer : "U are about to smuggle this chipmunk safely
and why did u give up last minute???"
The man was real angry when he replied :
"When on flight the first time I screamed is
because this chipmunk saw my balls and thought it's two big walnuts.."
The man carried on : "The second time...
it was my asshole...and it thought that it's a tree hole..."
The man cried when he said the last part : "And when finally
I've landed in Singapore, the chipmunk decided to bring the walnut back to the tree hole...."
"Surgery"
"A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation
because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to
keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want
anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her
operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought
I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry,"
he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt
bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one
is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had
the operation done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the
burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
Do not get married with these four kinds of girl
There are four kinds of women you should not get married with
- Air stewardess: because she always prefers uper position, you man must be under her
everytime.
- Teacher: she always thinks you are doing a wrong way, and repeatedly asks you to
"do it again, do it again"
- Nurses: whenever she meets you, she commands "take off your pants" (for
injection).
- Bus girl (who sell bus ticket on the car): with any man, she says: "come in, come
in, please".
Men/Women: The Differences
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful women is one who can find such a man.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.
To be happy with a man you must understanding him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her;
a man, of the woman who he didn't.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman;
before marriage and after marriage.
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way,
and the other is to let her have it.
Married men live longer than single men,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes
- no use two people remembering the same thing.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A Review of the Top 9 Sexual Jokes on the "Net" this year
Number nine
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk,
he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
Number eight
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots! Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."
Number seven
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman.
They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis
and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
Number six
One night, as a couple lays down for bed,
the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey,
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Number five
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years
when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,
but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home early.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you
how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Number four
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.
On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her.
On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign
and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his suggests
the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act
and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out
about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."
Number three
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth
and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates
in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
Number two
A small guy goes into an elevator,
when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him.
The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds,
20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"
The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to,
slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy.
"What's wrong?" The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick,
3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"
Number one
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table
one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said,
"We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,
"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!