The Quiet Thief
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the
burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into
the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that
for years!"
Where Is God ?
Jill (a six year old girl) was asked this question by her Teacher,
The Answer She gave her astonish Teacher was
IN OUR BATHROOM,
How do you know this ask the Teacher
We have one bathroom in the house and every morning Dad goes around
banging the door shouting " O God you are still there"
HARLEY DAVIDSON JOKE .
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle
Corporation, dies and
goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well,
you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world.
As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."
The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne room and
introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't youthe inventor of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes."
"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in
your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on."
God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and
waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.
"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur
Davidson,"but according to My Computer, more people are riding my inventionthan yours".
THE PENTIUM HUSBAND .
Husband (Returning late from work ) :
"Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife : Have you brought the grocery ?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : What about my new TV?
Husband : Variable not found ...
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some Shopping .
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied ...
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny ?
Husband : Too many parameters ...
Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : By Default.
Wife : What about your Salary ?
Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.
Wife : Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband : System is unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot.
Wife : Are you going to drink some wine?
Husband : File system is full.
Wife : What is my value in the family ?
Husband : Unknown Virus.
Woman ..
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a
woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as
soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
Mark and Sharon
Mark and Sharon decide they don't want to discuss sex in front of their
4 and 6 year old children, so they decide to talk in code. One day Mark
is feeling a little bit turned on and says to Katie, "Tell your mother
I would really like to type a letter." Katie runs off to find her mom."
Mommy, mommy", shouts Katie, "Daddy would like to type a letter."
Sharon replies slightly sheepishly, "Katie, go and tell your daddy that
he can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the
typewriter." Katie tears off to her father and says, "Daddy, daddy, mommy says you
can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
A few days later Sharon remembers that Mark was a little bit keen on a
bit of nookie and she called Katie, "Katie, tell your daddy that he can
type that letter today." Katie went off to look for her father and told
him, "Daddy, mommy says you can type the letter today."
"Thats OK, Katie", Mark says, "You can tell your mother that I don't need
the typewriter any more, I wrote the letter by hand.
SARDARJI - SERD ..
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a
national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding
poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding
to be paged less often, more often,
or by more interesting people.
The best call came from a sardarji who repeatedly complained that he
keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to
call her and tell her to stop paging him.
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.
After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was
Lucille if she didn't leave a number.
"She leaves her name," was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numeric- only pager, the
light bulb came on.
"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.
"L-O-W C-E-L-L"
FART ..
A husband and his wife are sitting next to a drunk in a
bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "Attention
everyone!" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, so her husband
peers over at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, but you
just farted in front of my wife."
The drunkard replies, "Sorry, I didn't know it was her turn."
FUNNY ..
I know I haven't known you for a very long time,
and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon,
but I need it badly. I haven't had it for a very
long time. I can already feel it going in good and
hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would
do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure
you can satisfy my needs, and I'd be very grateful
if you would. I am very desperate and I need your
help. You must think by now I have a lot of
nerve, but I can feel my tounge wrapping around it
and sucking out all the juice until its very dry.
It has been on my mind all day and I'm not going
to beat around the bush anymore. Do you have a
piece of gum ?
SARAR - SERD ..
The Sardarni asked her lover, Santa Singh
"Santa Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"
"Sure" replied Santa "What's your phone number?"
Banta Singh
Banta Singh went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested
and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be," said Banta with joy,
"I have been illiterate for so long."
Santa Singh
Santa Singh was brought to court on charges of
Drunken Driving.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted,
"Order, order."
Santa immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor,
I'll have a scotch and soda."
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go the end of the earth and back again for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring beer.
Little Johnny
One afternoon, Little Johnny notices his daddy drive past the
playground and into some nearby woods. Curious, he hides
behind some bushes and finds his Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace. Little Johnny is amused by this so he
runs home to tell his mother. "Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to take a look
and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then, he helped her
take off her shirt. And then, Aunt Jane helped Daddy take off
his pants. And then, Aunt Jane got down on the seat and..."
"Johnny, this is such an interesting story," interrupted his
mother. "Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it."
Later that evening, at the dinner table, Little Johnny's mother
said, "Johnny, why don't you tell Daddy and I the story you have for us."
Johnny begins his story by describing the car going into the
woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...
"Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and
Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on business."
SIGN LANGUAGE ..
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they
find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off
the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After
several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to
find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and
squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over
and squeeze my right breast one time.
"The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,
"Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull
on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and
pull on my penis ... fifty times"
CONFESSION ..
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had
an affair with a woman - almost." The priest says, "What do you mean,
'almost'?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it
in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's
and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then
walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to
leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and
says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man
replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the
same as putting it in!"
COMPUTER SYMBOLS ..
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
(*)(*) Fine Boobs
( * ) ( * ) Huge Ones
The Difference Between These Girls
What is the difference between girls aged 8, 18, 28, and 38?
An 8 year old: you take her to bed, tell a story and she goes to sleep.
An 18 year old: you tell her a story and take her to bed.
An 28 year old: you don't need a story to take her to bed.
An 38 year old: you tell her a story hoping you can stay away from bed.
DUMB CHICK ..
Kathy was the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up.
When she got married, her husband bought her one of those
fancy, electric coffee makers that had all the latest gadgets
on it.
The salesman carefully explained how everything worked.
"First, you plug it in and set the timer. Then, when you wake
up in the morning, you'll have a fresh pot of coffee."
A few weeks later, Kathy was back in the store and the
salesman asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"It's wonderful," she remarked, "but there's one thing I just
don't understand. Why is it that I have to go to bed every
time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
GAMBLING IS BAD ..
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a
week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great
time. After they returned home and the men went back to
work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever
since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come
11' all night long, and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says, "I know what you mean. My wife played
blackjack the whole time we were there. Now, she slaps the
bed and hollers, 'Hit me light or hit me hard!' all night long,
and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife
played the slots the whole time we were there. And now, I
wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."
LITTLE JOHNNY BOY ..
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy
him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we
have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a
bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well,
the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again
some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with
all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and
asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking
past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy
said that you should wait because she was coming too, "And I'll be
DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!"
A BASTERD ..
Kissing is a habit ,
fucking is a game ,
boys get all the pleasure ,
girls get all the pain ,
he says he loves you and you believe it's true ,
but when your stomache starts to swell
he says the hell with you !!!
16 min of pleasure ,
9 months of pain ,
3 days in the hospital ,
a baby with no name.
The baby is a bastard
the mother is a whore ,
it never would have happened
if the rubber hadn't tore .
BUSHY BUSHY ..
A young man was in the backyard fooling around with his
new girlfriend on a very dark night.
After a short time, he offered to eat her pussy....
and she gladly dropped her knickers.
About 20 minutes later, he looked up at her with his
glazed face and said, "I really like you a lot, but
you have the hairiest pussy I've ever eaten!"
"I'm not surprised that you feel that way," she said.
"You've been eating the lawn for the last five minutes!"
STATUE ..
Two nude statues, one male and one female, have been standing in
the middle of a beautiful park for 99 years. On their 100th anniversary in the
park an angel appears, to talk to them. He said "The boss has been watching you for the past 100 years
and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to
grant you a wish of becoming human for a short time."
The angel went on to say that they would become human for fifteen
minutes and will finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner which they have
only fantasized about for the last 100 years. The statues were so excited
they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together
behind some bushes. The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and
laughter. After ten minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating
and laughing. The angel told the statues they still had five more
minutes. The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said, "Cool,
this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on his head."
BITCH ..
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new
scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show
him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This
scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill".
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman
running around in the house", the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope
from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to
the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for
nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off
and shoot the guy's dick off". The man takes another look through the
scope, and says,
"You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
FUNNY COUPLE ..
John woke up one morning with an enormous erection so he
turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather,
had already awakened though, and she was downstairs
preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil
things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room
and asked him to bring it to his wife. The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring
it to her husband. The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he
asked his son to bring it to his wife. The note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring
it to her husband. The note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!
THE BRAVEST MICE ..
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at
night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar,
turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my
back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it
in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and
then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up 2 shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams
each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies: "Yeah,
well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home,
grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can
get a good buzz going for the rest of the day"
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The
third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't
have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
2 BLONDES ..
Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Kathy,
plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde,
Barbie, in great detail.
The robbery begins. Kathy drives up in front of the bank, stops the
car, and says to Barbie, "I want to make absolutely sure you
understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in
no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said Barbie. Buffie goes in the bank while Kathy waits in
the getaway car.
One minute passes. Really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Barbie.. She's got
a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the
time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst
open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and
underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.
As the gals are getting away, Kathy says "You are such a blonde! I
thought you understood the plan!"
Barbie said, "I did! I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Kathy. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up
the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
COUPLE ..
There's this couple doing yard work and the wife stops to go up and
take a shower.
The guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out of
the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake?"
She can't hear him, so he points to his eye [ I ], points to his knee
[ need ] and then makes raking motions. "What?" she yells.
So he goes through the whole routine again. She nods like she gets it
and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her ass,
and then rubs her crotch. Her husband is somewhat confused, though
totally aroused, so he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and
into the bathroom.
"What did you say?"
She says, "I said: eye, left tit, behind, the bush .
DUMB CHICK ..
There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first
time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother
says "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.
"He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that but
don't let him do that.
"He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like
that but don't let him do that.
"He is going to try and put his hands between your legs, you are
going to like that but don't let him do that.
"But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you
have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let
him do that, it will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just
like she said. But she said "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace
the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him,
and disgraced HIS family..."
DISCIPLINED ..
Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire,
so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.
"Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table."
So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?"
"Much better!" she replies with a smile.
"Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."
A WIFE ..
A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a
magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman...
then, poof! It was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."
GAY BURGLAR ..
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young
couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his
voluptuous, young wife, who was bound up on to the bed in
a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't
seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he
wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with
it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved
you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you're
really cute!"
HAHA ..
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a
weeping wife and four children. Three of the children
are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and
youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the
youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth
before I die, I will forgive you if ..."
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest,
absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave
that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her
breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
KIDS ..
In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?"
"How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty."
"Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant."
The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"
"Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen." "Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant."
The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?"
"How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old."
"No, dear, you can't get pregnant..."Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and
says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."
LITTLE BOY ..
A little boy is sitting in the barber's chair and becoming anxious, so the barber gives him a tootsie roll to keep him
quiet. As the barber trims his bangs, loose hair falls over his face.
"Do you have hair on your goodie?" asks the barber.
"Don't be silly, you old geezer! I'm only eight years old!"
Quick Thinking
A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of
water in one hand and two aspirins in the other. She says,
"What's this for?"
"This is for your headache," he says.
"But I don't have a headache," she replies.
He smiles and says, "Gotcha!"
Planning Ahead
A woman walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "Is it true
that if I get divorced, I'm entitled to half of my husband's
possessions?"
"In most cases," answers the lawyer, "it is true. Are you getting a divorce?"
"Not yet," the woman replies. "First, I've got to get married."
DUMB BLONDE ..
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and they pass a
flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again
for no reason." The blonde looks at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like
getting flowers?" The brunette says, "Oh sure...but I just don't feel like spending the
next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?
TURNING HIM ON
Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and
that and the subject finally got around to sex.
The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever.
The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.
he first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car
into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and
throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom,
he gets turned on and has his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she
heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her
feet up over her head. Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look
and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're
starting to look like an asshole!"
GAY BAR ..
John walks into a bar, and before he takes two steps through
the front door, he realizes it's a gay bar. He considers leaving
but says to himself, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
A gay bartender asks John, "What's the name of your penis?"
John explains, "Listen, pal, I'm not into your little games. All I
want is a drink."
"I'm sorry," says the bartender , "but I can't serve you until
you tell me the name of your penis."
So, John turns to the guy sitting to his left and asks, "Hey,
princess, what's the name of your penis?"
The gay patron gives John a smile and replies, "Timex...
'cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken by the response, John turns to the guy sitting
to his right, "Hey, pretty boy, what's the name of your penis?"
The gay patron gives John a smile and replies, "Ford...
because quality is Job 1!" The patron continues, "Have you
driven a Ford, lately?"
By now, John is really shaken and not sure how to react to
the environment he's just walked into. So, he decides to play
their little game. He turns to the bartender and proudly says,
"The name of my penis is Secret... Now give me a beer."
The puzzled bartender pours John a beer, then asks, "Why
is the name Secret?"
John takes the beer from the bartender, then smirks and says,
"Because it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!"
DUMB HUSBAND ..
A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he
finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock.
"Hurry!" she said to the repairman, "You'll have to hide... my
husband is insanely jealous."
There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman
hid inside the TV console.
The husband walked in and sat down in his favorite chair to
watch some football. Meanwhile, the repairman was inside the
TV, all squashed up, and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he
couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the
room and out the front door.
The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, then
looked back at the TV set again, and said, "I didn't see the
referee send that guy off the field, did you?
