CUTE KID ..
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of
children while they were drawing. Occasionally, she walked
around to see each child's artwork. She noticed one little girl
in particular who was working diligently
"What is that you're drawing, dear?" asked the teacher.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God
looks like."
Without missing a beat, the girl continued drawing and
replied, "They will in a minute."
TWO BLONDES
Two blondes were in a darkened theater. One whispers to
the other, "The guy next to me is jerking off."
"Just ignore him," her friend said.
"I can't," replied the first woman. "He's using my hand."
KIDS
A kid went off to college and ran out of cash fast, not
wanting to directly ask her father for money she wrote
him the following letter:
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard. I $imply can't think of anything I
need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card,
a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your Daughter
Dad's reply:
Dear Daughter,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy
are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do
NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task,
and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
"Stupid Wives Club"
An Englishman, a German, an Irishman
and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar,
drinking, and discussing how stupid their
wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife
is so stupid. Last week she went to the
supermarket and bought $300 worth of
meat because it was on sale, and we don't
even have a fridge to keep it in."
The German says, "That's nothing, my
wife just spent $1,000 on ski equipment,
and she can't even ski!"
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds
pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.
"Just last week, she went out and spent
$17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and
she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that
these three women sound like they all walked
through the stupid forest and got hit by every
branch. However, he still thinks his wife is
dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it,"
he chuckles. "My wife left to go on a trip to
Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and
she must have put about 100 condoms in
there, and she doesn't even have a penis!"
LITLLE BOY ..
A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When
the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they
decided to send it to President Clinton.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought
this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank
you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed
that for some reason you had to send it through Washington
D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.
WOMEN ..
A man is sitting next to a woman in a bar. He turns to her and asks, "If
I gave you a million dollars, would you have sex with me?" The woman thought for a
moment and replied, "yes" Next the man asked, "How about sex for Twenty dollars?"
The woman, angered by this, replied, "Not a chance, do you think that I'm a whore?"
The man replied, "We've already determined that, now we're negotiating the
price."
CHINESE GUY ..
The mother of a girl out on a date stayed up late waiting for her to
return. When she
finally came in the door, the mother noticed that her daughter was
covered with rice.
"Susie! I didn't know it was a wedding that you were going to!" "It
wasn't, Mom. I was
blowing a drunk Chinese guy and he barfed up all over me."
BEGGAR ..
A street person approached a passerby and said, "Sir, would
you give me $100 for a cup of coffee?"
"That's ridiculous! Do you really think anyone in their right
mind would pay that much for a cup of coffee?"
"Just a yes or'no, buddy," the beggar growled. "I don't need
a damn lecture about how to run my business."
LITTLE JOHNNY AGAIN ..
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10
most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was
the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives
want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his
picture?"
THE SMART WIFE ..
Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a
night with "the boys." He accepts and then tells his new
bride not to worry, because he'd "be home by midnight...promise!"
Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going
down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally
stumbles home. Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock
started, and cuckooed three times. Quickly he realized she'd
probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine
times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of
himself, having the quick wits, even when smashed, to escape a
possible conflict.
Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he
tells her, "12 o'clock, dear!" Whew! Got away with that one!
"Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock," she says over her
morning coffee.
"Why is that?" the husband asks.
"Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'shoot,' cuckooed another
four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its
throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled."
KIDS ..
This little boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Mommy, how do
you get to have kids?"
The mother replies, " Well son, your daddy has to stick his penis
inside my vagina."
The little boy looks a little confused and asks, "Well then how
come I saw daddy last night, sticking his penis in your mouth?"
The mother replies, " thats how mommy gets her jewelery"
FIRST DATE ..
A guy's screwing this girl and she says, "Excuse me, but isn't it a
presumptuous to assume you can screw me on our first date?
"Well, yeah" the man replies, "But isn't PRESUMPTUOUS a big
word for a first-grader to be using?"
SMART HUSBAND ..
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th
anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25
years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my
naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains
out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking
now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
WOMEN AGAIN ..
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up
frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this
plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this".
MEN ..
A guy walks over to a gorgeous chick sitting at a barstool and
says "i want to play with your tits all night." shocked, the woman
says "oh my god, do you see that huge guy over there? hes my
boyfriend and he'll kick your ass.." The man replies "I still want
to play with your tits all night, and fill your cunt with beer and
drink it." Disgusted, the woman walks over to her boyfriend and
tells him whats going on, "That man over there says he wants to
play with my tits all night." the boyfriend stands up pissed off and
rolls up his sleeves. She then says "he also said he wants to fill my
cunt up with beer and drink out of it" the boyfriend rolls down his
sleeves, sits down and continues drinking. "What are you doing,
arent you going to kick his ass?" The boyfriend smugly replies," I
ain't gonna mess with a guy that can drink that much beer."
SOMEHOW PREGNANT ..
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
"Young lady," said the doctor,
"you're pregnant."
"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our
colony we practise sex only
with our eyes."
"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."
ONLY I CAN HAVE THIS ..
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old
girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He
holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a
football!". The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a
football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is
waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike.
She holds up the football... "Nah Na Nah Nah".
The little boy angrily points to his bike and says,
"Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you
can't have one!"
She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys
bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to
his most private of parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!".
The next day he walks by and says to her,
"Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress,
points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can
have as many of THOSE as I want!
WOMEN ..
Between the ages of 15-20, a woman is like Africa. She is half discovered,
>half wild. Between the ages of 20-30, a woman is like America. Fully discovered and
scientifically perfect. Between the ages of 30-35, she is like Japan. Very warm, wise
and beautiful.
Between the ages of 35-40, a woman is like France. She is half destroyed
after the war but still desirable. Between the ages of 40-50, she is like Germany. She lost the
war but not the hope. Between the ages of 50-60, she is like Russia. Very wide, very
quiet but nobody goes there. Between the ages of 60-70, a woman is like England. With a
glorious past but no future.
BALWINDER SINGH IN A PICK UP BAR ..
One Sardar went to US and stepped in for the first time in a pickup bar.
While he was enjoying the
scene around, a babe came and placed her self provocatively on Sardi's lap.
She said " Hi, I'm Suzan, 'Suzi' to you "
Serdi was all excited with this welcome and said, "Hi I'm Balwinder,
Balls to you"
RECEPIE FOR NO CALORIE BANANA CAKE ..
INGRIEDIENTS:-
2 Loving arms , 2 Laughingeyes , 2 Well shaped legs , 2 Firm milk containers
1 EXTRA long banana , 1 Firm mixing bowl , 2 Nuts .
Looking into laughing eyes , spread well shaped legs,
slowly squeeze and massage milkcontainers,UNTIL firm trimmed mixing bowl becomes well greased.
ADD BANANA SLOWLY... work gently in and out with the cream that develops,
get Nuts and sigh until relived...CAKE IS DONE ,WHEN BANANA IS SOFT.....
NOTE:: WASH UTENSILS PROPERLY,DONT LICK THE MIXING BOWL WHEN THE CAKE
IS RISING..........ENJOY!!!!!
PRIEST ..
A husband and wide attend a small service at the local church one Sunday morning. The man was very moved by the
preacher's sermon, so he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please,
I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself... it was such a
damn good sermon!" The Reverend replied, "Sir, please, I cannot have you
behaving this way in Church!" "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought
it was so damn good, that I put $5,000 in the collection plate."
The Reverend's eyes opened wide as he remarked, "No Shit!"
THE BIG SALE ..
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and some
advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the
long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.
On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the
jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time,
I don't open the damn store!"
LESSONS I HAVE LEARNED ..
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
FUNNY ..
Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to Kuala Lumpur.
Station Master: No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
KIRK AND PETER
Peter: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
Kirk: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.
TEACHER AND PETER
Teacher: Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.
WIFE AND HUSBAND
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
The GUYS
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
The Girl
The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"
"Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"
Customer
Customer: 'If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Brighton in two days'time?'
Post Master: 'Well it might do.'
Customer: I bet you, it won't.
Post Master: Why not?
Customer: It's addressed to London.
Waiter
Waiter: I have stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
