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 Issue 2 Part Two of 'The Boonditch Affair' His arms strained as he tried again to push his way through the rubble. Muscles stretched until his suit began to split along the arms, but still it was useless. Even with his super strength, the weight was too much. Collapsing back in the doorway, he put his head in his hands. He heard the office building still standing begin to slowly collapse, its steel girders groaning. It would not be long before that building caved in crushing Inadequate Man beneath the combined stone and mortar. Behind him, he heard scratching, fingers scraping against wood. He tried to raise his head, but it felt too heavy. There was no air left and red spots began to dance in tune to the thumping in his head. Inadequate Man shrieked as an axe head split through the door he was leaning against. Struggling, he pushed away from the door, back against the rubble. The axe head disappeared, smashing through again. From behind the splintering wood, he heard a voice. “Sir, is that you sir?” “Gerbil, I’m in here.” The words came out as a croak; his throat was raw. Gerbil heard him and renewed his efforts, the axe quickly splintering the door enough for air to get through. Inadequate Man breathed in the fresh air as deeply as he could as Gerbil pulled out a plank of wood, making a hole large enough for Inadequate Man to crawl through. ‘Thank goodness Gerbil found a back passage to crawl into, or I might have died!’ he thought to himself as he stood up. “If I may suggest sir, I think we should hurry.” The groans above were louder, and parts of the ceiling were already caving in. They just made it out before the building collapsed, the force of the crash knocking them to the ground. “Ah, sweet air.” Inadequate Man breathed in deeply and retched from the smog. This was Premise City after all. As they headed back towards the car, Inadequate Man recounted what had happened; going to rescue the woman, beating the thugs, Kuffs setting off the bomb, and leaping into the doorway before the building collapsed. “Then you came along and saved me.” Reaching the car, Gerbil paused as he opened the door for Inadequate Man. “Out of curiosity sir, I was just wondering, you said you leapt into the doorway when the bomb went off. Why didn’t you simply break the door down straight after?” “Well…umm…I was testing how long it took you to respond. Good job, by the way. Could have been a little quicker. Must keep up with the training…shall we go?” Back at the mansion, in Inadequate Man’s secret headquarters, Kane and Gerbil went over everything again. “Kuffs said he had been waiting for me…by golly! Gerbil, I think it was all a trap and the woman was the bait!” “You are too observant, sir. But why trap you?” “Boonditch must have something big going down, and wanted to make sure I wasn’t there to stop it. If only we knew where he was.” “If I may suggest, sir. If Boonditch thinks you are dead, he may have decided to celebrate.” “Of course!” Inadequate Man rushed over to the red phone, his direct line to the Police Commissioner. Slamming the phone down, Kane growled. “That phone hasn’t worked since I painted it red. Hand me the portable Gerbil.” Dialling the number, Inadequate Man heard the Police Commissioner on the other end. “Commissioner, has there been any disturbances reported in the last half an hour?…there has, where was that?…thank you Commissioner.” Kane slammed the phone down, then picked it up to press the end call button. ‘Portable phones just never have dramatic effect’, he thought to himself. “Gerbil, there was a disturbance reported fifteen minutes ago, in Scotlandtown.” “Scotlandtown, sir?” “There’s Chinatown, isn’t there. Why should the Chinese have a monopoly on townships. Multiculturalism is the way of the future Gerbil.” Quickly changing into his proper battle suit, Gerbil and Inadequate Man were back in the car heading for Scotlandtown, turning into an alley across from McFloggerties Pub. The sound of bagpipes and out-of-tune singing erupted from the doors as someone came out. Inadequate Man got out of the car and headed towards the man who had left the tavern, a big brute with his braided hair tied back and half his face painted blue. It was Bill Wallace, one of Boonditch’s inner circle. Wallace looked up with drunken eyes, holding out a piece of foil. “Would ye like a wee dram, me good-” Inadequate Man’s fist crashed into his jaw, sending the foil square flying. The door to McFloggerties slammed open as Bill crashed into the main bar. Inadequate Man walked over to him and put his foot up his leather kilt and putting his weight on it. Bill’s eyes bulged as he grabbed the foot. “Where’s the party, Bill?” Inadequate Man pushed harder and the other half of his face turned blue. “Ach, me Longshanks!” He screamed before glaring at Inadequate Man. “On the third level, ye sodistic bastard. Theer’s a secret door behind the bookshelf.” Inadequate Man left him rolling on the tavern’s floor, still muttering about his ‘longshanks’ and headed for the stairs, the other patrons quickly running out behind him. Reaching the top of the stairs he spotted the bookshelf. Not slowing, he charged the shelves, hitting the brick wall behind it and landing on the other side in a shower of mortar. Looking back, he noticed a door next to where the bookshelf had been. The door was in plain sight. ‘Lying bloody Scotsman!’ he thought as he stood up. Boonditch sat up from his studded leather chair, staring at Inadequate Man in disbelief. “By me moother’s best haggis! Yeer meant to be ded!” There were twenty or more henchmen standing around the room. Kuffs stood in the corner next to the woman from the alley. Her suit was all torn and a thick chain was attatched to a collar around her neck, chaining her to a ring set in the wall. He turned to face Boonditch. “If you’ve hurt the girl, you’re going to pay,” Boonditch scratched at his thick red beard, his forehead creasing. “Even if we didna’ hurt the lassie, ye’d want ta make us pay.” “That’s…that’s beside the point. I just meant that you better not have hurt her.” “Then why didna’ ye joost say ‘ye better no’ have hurt her’? Honestly, you bloody superheros really try and make yerselves soond important now, don’t ye.” “Well because…shut up Boonditch!” Inadequate Man leapt towards him, gloves pressed together in the multi-prick attack. Boonditch leapt from his chair, screaming for his henchmen to open fire. Every man in the room reached under their kilt and pulled out a pistol…except for one who grabbed what he thought was his pistol…and smiled. The rest opened fire, spinning Inadequate Man in the air. ‘Glad I wore the extra thick latex combat suit, with double the protection of a conventional rubber,’ he thought to himself as he spun towards the first henchmen firing at him. He raced around the room at super speed, disarming and knocking henchmen unconscious as he went. The sound of gunshots quietened, gun smoke drifting out through bullet holes in the wall. Inadequate Man dropped the last gun on the pile he had made in the middle of the floor and faced Boonditch, who was cowering behind his chair. From the corner, Kuffs came forward with a stockwhip, flicking it out to wrap around Inadequate Man’s leg. “Let’s see how ye fight withoot flying aroond the room like a wee sissy.” Cuffs swung his fist, fingers encased in knuckle rings. Inadequate Man tried to leap back, but his feet got tangled in the whip. Kuffs punch crashed into his ribs, knocking the wind out of him. Kuffs swung again, striking him in the temple and knocking him to the ground. “No so tough noo, are ye Inadequate Man.” Growling, Inadequate Man clasped his hands together and swung upwards, smashing his fists into Kuffs chin. “How many times do I have to tell you…” He drove his elbow in Cuffs shoulder, driving him to his knees. “…that the name is…” He grabbed Cuffs head and swung it down as his knee crashed upwards, breaking Cuff’s nose. “bloody Eradicate Man!” He heard a gun being cocked, turning to see Boonditch next to the window, gun pressed against the woman’s head. Boonditch smiled beneath his eye patch, gold capped teeth gleaming. “One move and the lassie gets it.” “You don’t really think you can escape, do you?” Boonditch edged closer to the window and looked out. “Tis only a wee three story drop to the groond, and I goot me a car waitin" “You can’t escape Boonditch, so give up the girl.” Boonditch smiled again as he edged closer to the window. “I could make the jomp, but I be bettin’ me mother’s best haggis that the lassie will no’ make it, seen as how this collar will damn near snap ‘er neck.” Boonditch fired towards Inadequate Man and leapt at the window, shattering the glass as they began to fall. Inadequate Man dodged the bullet and flew after them. Boonditch pushed the girl away from him and landed on the pavement below. Inadequate Man spun in midair, scooping up the girl just before the chain ran out of slack. Below, he heard tyres screech as Boonditch escaped. He flew back into Boonditch’s lair, setting down on the floor inside. Kuffs had disappeared, no doubt off to meet with Boonditch somewhere, but Inadequate Man didn’t care. He looked down at the woman in his arms. Clear blue eyes stared up at him from beneath thick lashes. She smiled, little dimples forming in her cheeks. “Why thank you, Inadequate Man. You saved my life!” He smiled, puffing out his chest. “Don’t worry about it. Saving lives is part of my job.” “Is it also part of your job to play with my ass?” she asked. Inadequate Man coughed, hurriedly putting the woman down. “Ah…sorry about that…just making sure I didn’t drop you. What’s your name?” “I’m Drew Mate. I work for the Premise Press.” “Oh, a reporter. Maybe I should have let you hang. Only joking…you wouldn’t happen to be a political reporter would you?” “No, I’m a human interest writer.” “That’s all right then.” Inadequate Man heard the sound of sirens coming closer. Out in the street, the sound of cars speeding away could still be heard, as Boonditch’s men fled. He knew he should give chase, any of Boonditch’s men on the street was dangerous, but he was exhausted. He heard someone at the door, looking up to see Gerbil step over a prone body in the hallway. “Well, sir, it seems the raid was a success?” “Hardly. Boonditch and Kuffs got away, and we’re still no closer to finding out why Boonditch tried to kill me.” Sitting in Boonditch’s chair, Inadequate Man leant forward and began to think. ‘What in his mother’s best haggis is Boonditch up to?”
  
Copyright © 2001. Any queries can be sent to inadequateman@hotmail.com
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