The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

One day at school, the teacher asked all of the children if they were Sydney King's fans. Every hand in the room went up except for Joshua's in the back.

Coming over to him, the teacher asked which team he went for.

"The Razorbacks, miss."

"Why do you go for them, Joshua?"

Joshua thought about it for a moment, and then answered. "Well, my dad's a Razorbacks fan, my mum's a Razorbacks fan, and my big brother is a Razorbacks fan, so I'm a Razorbacks fan."

"That's not a very good answer, Joshua. If your parents and your big brother were morons, would you be a moron too?"

Joshua smiled at her. "No miss, that would make me a Sydney King's fan."