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Joke of the... Archive
"If you kiss me, I will turn into princess." Stopping, the man smiled, reached down and picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I will be your girlfriend." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and then put it back in his pocket. Desperate, the frog spoke again. "If you turn me back, I will do anything you want! I will cook for you, clean for you, spank you if you're into that sort of thing, but please turn me back!" The man took the frog out of his pocket and smiled at her. "Look, I just started up a cool website about a superhero. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
A woman was walking past a pet store one day when the parrot sitting in the cage out front called out, "Hey lady. You're really ugly!" Insulted, the woman went and got her shopping, and as she passed the pet store on the way to her car, the parrot called out again, "Hey lady, you're really ugly!" Furious, the woman stormed into the pet store, told the salesman what had happened and demanded that the parrot be killed. The salesman apologised and promised that the parrot would not call her ugly again. A week later, the woman was shopping again and as she walked past the pet store, she saw the parrot still sitting in his cage, glowering at her, but keeping silent. As she walked past, the parrot turned its head to look at her and called out. "Hey lady!" She turned around, challenging the bird. The bird squawked, and said, "You know."
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind,
I pray that this man will love me no end, Amen. A Single Mans Prayer: Lord I pray for a lady with big tits. Amen
Saddam and George W. Bush had decided to see if they could find a truce, and Bush went to Baghdad for a meeting. As they sat down at the table, he noticed Saddam's chair had three little buttons on it. After about five minutes of talking, Saddam pressed the first button, and a boxing glove shot out of the wall behind Bush, smaking him in the back of the head, causing Saddam to giggle. About another five minutes later, Saddam pressed the second button and a hand came out of the board room table and slapped Bush in the face. Bush was fuming as Saddam started chuckling. Another five minutes later, Saddam pressed the third button. Bush jumped out of his seat, but as he did, a boot sprang from underneath the table and kicked him in the balls. Saddam started pissing himself, and Bush walked out of the meeting. A week later, they decided to try the peace talks again, and Saddam came to Washington. As he sat down, he noticed that Bush had three buttons on his chair. About five minutes into the meeting, Bush pressed the first one, and started giggling. Saddam looked around, but nothing happened. Five minutes later, Bush pressed the next button, laughing out loud this time, but still nothing happened. Saddam was sweating now, confused by what was going on. Bush reached down and pressed the third button and still nothing happened. Saddam stood up from the table. "This is ridiculous. I'm going back to Baghdad!" Bush slapped his leg, trying to stop his laughter when he looked at Saddam and said, "What Baghdad?"
A man and woman have just gotten married and are honeymooning in the country. During their stay, they decide to go horse riding. As they cross a stream, the woman's horse shies at the water before crossing the stream. The man gets off his horse, walks in front of hers and says, "that's one." Then he gets on his horse and they continue riding. A little bit later, they are galloping through a field and as they come to a log, the woman's horse falters and won't jump it. Again the man gets off his horse, walks in front of hers and says, "that's two." They continue riding, and as they are riding through the bush, a rabbit runs across the track and startles her horse, making it rear up slightly. The man gets off his horse, helps the woman off her horse and moves in front of it. Pulling a revolver from his jacket, he shoots the horse in the head as he says, "that's three." The woman, appalled at what her husband has just done, asks him how he could be so cruel. The man walks over and stand in front of her. Looking into her eyes, he says. "That's one."
Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes those cows and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk. Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes the cows, and hires you to look after them. The government then sells you the milk. Pure Communism: You share two cows with your neighbours. You spend all day arguing about who has the most need for milk, and the most ability to look after the cows. No one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows die of starvation. Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal milk back from them and sell it on the black market. Cambodian Communism: You have two cows. The government takes the cows and shoot you in the head. Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes the cows and drafts you into the military. Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk. Beaurocracy: You have two cows. The government passes laws telling you when you can milk them and feed them. Then they pay you not to milk them. Capitalism: You don't have any cows. The bank won't lend you any money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
A minister wound up his sermon for the week by telling the congregation that next week he would be discussing the subject of liars. "Now, if you could all read Mark, Chapter 17 by next week, I would greatly appreciate it." The next week, the minister stepped up to the pulpit and asked who had read Mark, Chapter 17. Almost every hand in the congregation went up. "Right then," the Minister said, looking at the people with their hands raised. "You're the people I want to talk to. There is no chapter 17 in Mark!"
A doctor and a lawyer collide their cars into each other on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was shaken up, helped him out of the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. Thanking the lawyer, the doctor took a long gupl before handing it back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it back inside his jacket pocket. Curious, the doctor asked how come the lawyer didn't have a drink. The lawyer turned to him, and smiled. "Oh, I will. Once the police have left."
Four men got to play golf together. As they made their way to the first tee, one of the men recieved a phone call and went to the club to take it. As the other three stood around waiting, they started talking about how successful their sons were. The first one said, "My Son has become such a successful stock broker, that just the other week, he gave a friend of his a stock portfolio worth fifty thousand dollars, just to be a good friend!" The second one sneered, "In just two years, my son went from a junior car salesman to owning the four biggest dealerships in the state. The other week, he gave a friend of his two brand new cars with all of the extra features, just to be a good friend!" The third man laughed, "My son is such a successful architect, he just built a two story house in an affluent neighbourhood and gave it to his friend, just to be a good friend!" The fourth man returned from the clubhouse, looking rather depressed. The others mentioned that they were just talking about their son's success and asked him how what his son did. The fourth man shook his head. "That was actually my son on the phone and he just told me he was gay." The others were silent as they made their first shots. Suddenly, the fourth man smiled. "But he must be pretty good at being gay, cause his last three boyfriends just gave him a house, two cars and a large stock portfolio."
A couple of hunters out in the bush rabbit shooting when one of them trips and falls down a gully. Worried that his friend didn't appear to be breathing, he quickly called an ambulance. "Help, my friend tripped down into a gully and he's dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Calm down, sir. Now the first thing to do is to make sure that he is dead. Can you do that for me please?" The hunter agrees and puts the phone down. After a period of silence, a shot is heard and then the man's voice returned. "OK, done. Now what?"
I'm always surprised to hear about crash victims that have to be identified by their dental records. The thing I don't get, is if they don't know who it is, how the hell do they know who their dentist is?
When I was a kid, I used to pray to God every night for a bicycle. Now that I've grown up, I realised God doesn't work that way. So I stole someone else's bike and asked him for forgiveness.
A man walks up to the main desk of Liverpool library, and in a commanding voice, says, "I'll have a bacon and egg roll, a hamburger with no tomato, and 2 bucks worth of chips." The librarian glares up at him, and summoning all the authority she has, says, "Sir! This is a library!" Pausing for a minute, the man leans over the desk, cups his hand over his mouth and, in a whisper so that she can barely hear, says, "I'll have a bacon and egg roll, a hamburger with no tomato, and 2 bucks worth of chips."
When NASA first started sending men to space, they soon realised that ball point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA spent over a decade and 12 million dollars to develop a pen that could write upside down, in zero gravity, underwater, on any surface including glass, and temperatures ranging from freezing to 300 degrees. The Russians just used a pencil.
Former Prime Minister Paul Keating and Bob Hawke were fishing on opposite sides of a river. Just as Paul Keating put his line into the water, he pulled it out again with a nice size trout attatched. Throwing it in again, he quickly caught another trout. "Paul, I sure wish I was on your side of the river. I can't catch a thing on this side," called out Bob. Paul thought for a minute, and then called back. "Allright, I'll tell you what. I'll shine my big flashlight across the river, and you can walk across on the beam of light!" Bob Hawke shouted back. "What do you think I am? Stupid? When I get halfway across, you'll turn off your flashlight!"
Two men were walking home from a party when they decided to take a short cut and walk through the cemetery. As they reached the middle of the cemetery, they heard a tap-tap-tapping coming from somewhere in the fog. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel working on a headstone. "Holy cow, mister! you scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing here working so late?" "Bloody idiots," he replied. "The dickheads spelt my name wrong!"
A post office worker, at the main sorting office, finds an unstamped, porrly handwritten envelope, addressed to God. Curious, he opens it and discovers it is from an old woman who was distressed because the last of her savings, $1,000, had been stolen and she did not think she could afford to pay her bills in the next few months. Distressed, he organises a charity drive amongst all of the postal workers, as well as at the neighbouring post offices, who al dig deep and together raise $996. They get it to her by special courier that morning. A week later, the same postal workers finds another letter to God, and realising that it was the same handwriting, opened it. Inside it read:
P.S. It was four dollars short, but that was probably those no good thieves at the Post Office.
A 10pm curfew was imposed in Blefast, Northern Ireland. Everyone had to be off the street by 10pm, or risk getting shot. However, one citizen was shot at 9:45pm. "Why did you do that?" The soldier was asked by his superiour officer. "I know where he lives," he replied. "He never would have made it."
A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came from out of nowhere and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived, the yuppie was still complaining about the damage to his car. "Officer, look at what that idiot has done to my Beemer." the yuppie whined. The officer sneered at him, "You yuppies are all the same. You're so materialistic! With all this complaining about your car, you haven't even noticed that your arm has been ripped off." The yuppie looked down at the bleeding stump and screamed. "Shit! There goes my Rolex!!!"
"Would you like the bad news or the worse news first?" Rodney swallowed and tried to smile. "Umm...the bad news." "Your wife found a picture that is worth half a million dollars." Rodney smiled, surprised. "Wow, that's excellent. I can't wait to hear the terrible news!" "The picture's of you and your girlfriend."
The drunk staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink. "I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!" The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink. The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells "I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!". The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs "How many bars do you work at, anyway?".
MENstrual Cramps MENtal Breakdown MENopause Ever notice that all women's problems start with men?
A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the bench and relax. After a while, a beggar came up to her and said, "So baby, do you want to be on top, or will I?" Indignant, the woman stared up at him. "How dare you! I'm not some cheap hussie!" "Well then," said the beggar. "What are you doing in my bed then?"
A husband and wife were having a lovely dinner at an exclusive restaurant when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more trips to Paris, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Mercedes in the garage, and no more exclusive restaurants, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. "Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. She replies, "Ours is prettier."
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off the at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you." The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. Sure enough, at midnight the nun shows up and begins praying. The hippie jumped out from hiding and says, "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, but first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!"
A man and woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married, his new wife told the man "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it". In all their 40 years of marriage he honored her request and never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of him and he cautiously lifted the lid and peeked inside the box. In the box he found 3 empty beer bottles and $187.25 in five dollar notes and coin. He closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that he knew what was in the box, curiosity was doubled as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the man could no longer contain his curiosity and confessed, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was just too much. I gave in and looked in the box. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?" The woman thought for a while and answered "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." The man was stunned and said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess during those years when I traveled away from home on business temptation would happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the man asked his wife, "What about all that money in the box?" To which she answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
"Help me, I've been mugged and beaten," he pleaded. The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague, "You know, it's the person who mugged that guy that really needs help."
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked. "Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e." St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom. "I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?" St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband. "What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?" Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?" To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first." "What word?" he asked. The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia".
1 Bar of soap. The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single are you?" The girl flutters her eyelashes, smiles and replies, "How did you guess?" He replies, "Cause you're butt ugly."
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking? Because all those men already have boyfriends.
A woman was in the examination room with her doctor. Suddenly, she shouted out, "Doctor! Kiss me!" The surprised doctor said, "That would be unethical." About 20 minutes later, the woman again yelled out, "Doctor! Please kiss me!" Once more the doctor refused, "I'll admit I'm tempted, but as a Doctor, I simply can't." Fifteen minutes later, the woman pleaded, "Doctor, please kiss me! Just this once!" "Look," the Doctor said, "I am sorry, but kissing you would confuse the Doctor/Patient relationship. In fact, we probably shouldn't even be having sex!"
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