Warning: This post is intended to be a satire.

March, 3452 BC: Shri Ram is born in Ayodhya, at the very spot where a mosque would be built later to cause much controversy.

Circa 3000 BC: Several fools start writing vedas and upanishads and try to give a philosophical basis to the Hindu religion. These morons should have realized that when eventually Hinduism becomes an organized religion and a social institution, it has a force of its own and very few would care for such philosophical basis.

Circa 2920 BC: A very learned Guru gets frustrated while teaching a moron of a student and invents zero while grading his test.

A few years later: Hindu scientists formulate the General Theory of Relativity and the Unified Field Theory. Much of these theories are hidden in complex sanskrit slokas and a good part of it was smuggled out of the country by the Germans and the British and lost forever.

0 AD: Christianity, an offshoot of Hinduism, is born.

N + 1000 BC to N BC: A hindu golden age, known as Ramrajya, is established over the entire subcontinent. There are temples everywhere. Everyone observes the caste protocols. The cows are happy. Ghee is available in plenty. All computer programs work without any problems.

Breakaway cults: Some non-conformists form cults called Jainism and Buddhism. Rational people put these iconoclasts to shame, so much so, the Buddhists are driven out of India. Understandably many Jain and Buddhist literature and culture had to be destroyed by peaceloving Hindus.

Chandragupta Vikramaditya's period: Another great 'Golden Age' according to most historians. Manusmriti was the law of the land and women were rightfully treated as 'untouchables'. In his next birth, Vikramaditya Chaudhuri joins Oracle Systems and writes on SCI.

Sometime before 10 th century: Islam, another offshoot of Hinduism is born.

The only known episode of hindu atrocity: A Jain was slapped in the wrist by a Hindu in Nalanda University when they were fighting over a girl. The Jain later apologized to the Hindu for provoking him.

Babar's rule: Enormous atrocities are heaped on peace loving Hindus. Even granting that war and stuff like that generally make people irrational, Babar went too far and to top it, he demolished Ram Mandir at the Jhanmabhoomi to make it the pinnacle of his career. He also left about fifteen hundred pieces of irrefutable evidence about his act of demolishing the temple.

Akbar's rule: Commits Hindu atrocity by marrying a Hindu woman and by formulating his own brand of religion called 'Teen Elahi'. Secret service agents suddenly discover that Akbar had failed to renew his visa and that he is actually a citizen of China - he retained his Chinese citizenship because of his Chengiz Khan lineage. The Muslims impose their inferior culture on the hapless Hindu citizens. And a thousand years later they won't even apologize to the Hindus for what their ancestors did many hundred years ago.

Sometime during the Moghul period: Some Hindus start calling themselves Sikhs.

Discovery of Krishna Jhanmabhoomi and other bhoomis : Krishna Jhanmabhoomi was discovered - to be at the exact same spot as the present day Taj Mahal. Shiv Jhanmabhoomi is discovered to be the same as Jamma Masjid and so forth. Hindus rightfully fight for these temples.

1947-48: A fool of a hindu-basher, Mahatma Gandhi, actually organizes fasts to promote amity between the Hindus and Muslims, instead of asking all the Muslims to pack up and go to Pakistan.

Modern India: Muslims start countless, unprovoked riots in India and every time many, many more innocent Hindus die than Muslims. This is despite the Muslims becoming so dominant in every aspect of the society such as in education, civil services and politics - all these gains obtained by systematic exploitation of passive and nice Hindus and the special treatment given to the minorities in general. Hindus sacrifice a lot to the point of self-destruction.

1958: Rekha, a Hindu goddess of love is born.

RSS and VHP emerge as major schools of human thought: Guru Golmalkar emerges as one of the greatest stinkers, I mean, thinkers of the twentieth century. A whole nation follows his footsteps and organizes his thoughts into action. In fact, the RSS philosophy completely replaces ancient outmoded philos such as the Vedas and the Upanishads as the mainstream Hindu school.

VHP grows in strength and status: Vishwa Hindu Parishad becomes a premier secular organization in India and has a number of projects for Muslims as well, including helping out one poor Muslim family in Poona. Muslims, impressed by the compassion VHP has for them, join VHP in millions and even those parochial Muslims who don't join this secular, peaceloving institution, support it unconditionally. Only some idiots on SCI write anti-VHP stuff.

Sikh Overreaction: Many Sikhs overreact, instead of condemning the Punjab terrorists, when only a mere few thousand Sikhs are randomly killed in India by people just venting their anger.

Ajay Shah replaces Joachim Martillo as the bboard bigot: A breath of fresh air (gas ?) on SCI as Ajay Shah enters the SCI and represents Hindu Vishwa Oarishad. (sic) He simplifies many things about our society so that ordinary folks like you and I can understand it. For example, the world has two sets of people, one a true secular hindu and the other pseudo-secular, hindu basher, Marxist Leninist, undemocrat.

October 1990, Kar Seva begins: Several peaceful volunteers want to do Kar Seva at Ayodhya. They only want to 'move' the mosque and not 'destroy' it. If civil engineering can't do it, the Sevaks will.

Is it me or is it really happening ? Finally, more and more of the secular, middle-of-the-road folks are writing on the SCI. The noise generated by the langot-brigade on the net seems to be coming down a few decibels. We all owe a big thanks to the relentless efforts of people like Vijay Fafat and Balaji Kannan (and Bijoy Sagar, Shiva et al) for dealing with the fanatics and their illogic, post for post and still managing to make hilarious posts.

Mr (or is it Ms ?) Indu Sekhar, I enjoy your lucid arguments with choke full of logic. You must be truly gifted. A quick existential question for you. Are you yourself or are you a parody of yourself ? I know you have the inalienable right to say whatever you have to say. The next time you are in a movie theatre, I won't be surprised if you yell 'Fire' (or 'commie' if you so choose) even if there is no fire. You are a fine example of a person using his freedoms to the fullest while trying to deny them to your fellow-citizens.

I am duty-bound to fight bigotry. Gosh, in this age of highly synthesized Political Correctness, how can ordinary people like Indu and Gokhale spew such bigotted statements and believe it is okay ?!

I have always maintained that the only way to deal with fanaticism is to attack it and ridicule the fundies, because there is no point reasoning with them. So here is a laundry list of 'Hindutva Syllogism' and doublespeak that routinely appear on the bboard and what we, the normal, majority Hindus say in response.

(1) What the Hindu fanatics say: "Bash the Muslims. Muslims bombed the World Trade Center, Muslims are trouble whereever they go, from West Asia to Bosnia to Indonesia. Muslims caused the fourteenth century problems, fifteenth century problems and so forth. Muslims are the reason for Hindu insecurity and the reason why so many Hindus are suffering from lower back pain these days. Hey, a healthy Hindu fanaticism depends on Muslim bashing."

What we say: "We know your sneaky techniques. You are trying to play on the irrational Muslim-phobia that exists in some segments of the American population. It won't work, because people are not naive to believe in blanket statements about 'Muslims'. Or for that matter about other religions. Just read the Associated Press news releases that are posted on this newsgroup by Bala of A. T and T. They clearly distinguish between Hindu fanaticism and all Hindus. What is happening is not a Hindu-Muslim religious struggle, but a simple fanaticism vs Secularism struggle."

(2) What the Hindu fanatics say: (Oakian historical proof technique) "Taj Mahal is Tejo Mahalay, the Oak Ridge lab is actually the birthplace of Sri Oak, the ancestor of Sri. P. N. Oak."

What we say: "Under this technique nothing is impossible to prove. The Aryans could have either migrated from the North Pole or sat on their asses all years in their living rooms in India. You choose what you want to be the history. In fact, Oak should change his name to P. N. Joke or PJ for short."

(3) What the fanatics say: "commie, commie" or its variation "COMMIE, COMMIE."

What we say: "This is just an extension of your Muslim bashing technique. You are hoping to play on the fear of communism, although you don't realize that the threat of communism is greatly diminished - to almost nil. The Russians are becoming capitalists, the Chinese have stock markets and Jyoti Basu is courting NRIs to start industries in his state. Don't worry, your children are safe. Where had you been all these years ? So who is going to fall for your arguments on communism ? If the communists did not succeed in India, some fifty years ago, when casteism, colonialism and Zamindari systems were creating an ideal Marxist revolutionary climate, why would they be successful now ? What is wrong if the so-called communists ask the right questions along with us capitalists ? If the communists also want to stop Hindu fanaticism, may the force be with them. Calling Sanjeev Mahajan a commie or his mother a commie, will not get you one convert. McCarthy has been dead, you know. You might as well have called Mahajan something obscene.

Do us a favor. Take an elementary course in Sociology. And while you are at it, take a course in Philosophy of Science and read Kant, Popper and others before discussing Vedic science."

(4) What the fanatics say: "Even Swamy Amritrajananda says that Hindu fanaticism is great. He is a great scholar on Gita and so he should know everything - even about programming in C++ language. Even the French folks want Hindutva, only they call it 'Hindutoir'. 'Murphy Brown' has endorsed Sprint company. So we should all switch to Sprint." (The 'Big name endorsement' argument)

What we normal Hindus say: "Even if Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King and Mahatma Gandhi all told us that secularism is bad and Hindu fanaticism is good, we will not go "Jeez, we are wrong and you are right. Now we are convinced". Sure, we will be influenced by great thinkers but not by fanatical statements coming out of a Swamy who knows his Gita well."

(5) What the Hindu fanatics say: "Don't pick on Virendra Vermin. He is old enough to be your uncle. Pick someone your size. Verminji has the right to say what he wants to say."

What we normal Hindus say: "We are sure Vermin is a big boy now and can take care of himself. Nobody asked him to stop making posts. Heck, we need our daily dose of humor and be told whether we are 'Bhartas' or 'Bharatas'. But we reserve the right to taunt him and make him look like a fool. If he has the guts to make posts and wants all the ensuing attention from the bboard readers, he should be prepared also for the flames. Bboard is no place for pussyfoots. This bboard does not guarantee automatic adulation to Vermin's posts or anyone else's. Also, it is one thing to express your opinion. But if any of you make racist, bigotted statements, we will go after you full blast."

(6) What the fanatics say: "Well said Langot. I agree with you 'toto'. Well said Dinesh, your arguments make a lot of sense to me. Good work Induji". (The 'self-feeding frenzy' technique)

What the normal Hindus say: "Actually, such mutual back-slapping is a matter of supreme indifference to us. In fact, it helps us count how many of you are out there, polluting the net".

(6) What the Hindu fanatics say: "Chapter X1 of Gita sez it is okay to bash the Muslims and Chapter 22 of Qur'an itself admits that the Muslims are dangerous."

What the normal Hindus say: "Again, perhaps you are right. But while interpreting religious texts, usually nobody is right all the time and one can always quote out of context. None of these religious text-quoting can justify fanaticism or pulling down a mosque, which after the December 6 th Ayodhya incident, all you fanatics have started calling a 'structure'. You guys quickly adapt, don't you ?"

(7) What the Hindu fanatics say: "I am sick of ... I am tired of.."

What the normal Hindus say: "Basically, you have run out of arguments. The 'I am sick of ...' type of venting is usually the last resort to make you sound reasonable. It might work on people that might take you seriously. But not on a bboard. You are a spokesman only for a minority of the Hindus. You don't speak for us, the majority Hindus, who want secularism."

(8) What the Hindu fanatics say: "Even Sikhandar Bakht's kids have Hindu names. Even some Muslims want the temple built in Ayodhya." (The 'Good Muslim-Bad Muslim' technique)

What normal Hindus say: "You still don't get it, do you ? We are not talking about brownie points out here or about symbolic gestures. A Nazi-like movement is going on in India very seriously and we ought to stop it. You cannot justify your brutal campaign with such statements about some of the Muslims. By the way, have you really bothered to make friends with any Muslims, personally ? Maybe you should. Because ignorance is the root cause of much bigotry."

(9) What the Hindu fanatics say: "Mahabharat is not an epic. Ram was in Ayodhya the night of Oct 15, 4365 BR (BR refers to the new Hindu era reference point, 'Before Rekha') and we have historical proofs !" (also known as 'Whitewash that history with mythology' technique)

What the normal Hindus say: "Fine. Each person to his belief. We can practice such things in privacy. This should not disallow other religions from practicing their religion or having a pluralistic India with multi-ethnic culture. The Hindu religion is a great one, however that does not contradict the great contributions to India of Islam, Sikhism, Jainism and so forth and the people who practice those religions."

(10) What the Hindu fanatics say: "Golmalkar never said it. RSS is never bad. Shiv Sena has saved the country". (The 'black is white, white is black' technique)

What the normal Hindus say: "You seem to have numerous references of everything and you can always pull a quote to prove how these fanatics and fanatical organizations are actually Nobel peace prize quality units. The point is most of India agrees that VHP, ISS, RSS etc are fanatical organizations and that they were banned for a good reason. If you are going to sing praises such organizations, then you are tacitly violating the ban. You probably think that the government should not have banned them in the first place. You may be right. However repulsive it may be, even the Ku Klux Klan, (analog of RSS, ISS, VHP and Shiv Sena in this country) is allowed to function."

(11) What the Hindu fanatics say: "This is all because of Rajeev Gandhi, Indira Gandhi, Devi Lal. Blame them. Don't blame us. MP government, UP government, Orissa government blah blah blah It is the Congress government who caused the problem, because they amended the constitution in the Shah Bano episode and that is why we pulled down the Babri Masjid." (The 'Micro-political quagmire' technique)

What the normal Hindus say: "This is your standard stalling practice to peg some of us down to some meaningless politics quibble, while your comrades are setting fire to a Muslim hut. We can certainly point fingers to a lot of things of the past. And we should learn a lesson or two from the past. But nothing justifies mad fundamentalist outrage. The main problem is 'now' and 'here'. Let us stop Hindu fanaticism 'now', before it consumes the country. Don't bring the past over and over. Discovering new etymologies for the present problems will not solve them."

(12) What the Hindu fanatics say: "We are angry."

What the normal Hindus say: "Tell us, who isn't ? Everybody is angry. Everyone is angry in his or her own way because there is too little money, too little sex and too many problems. If suddenly you find yourselves angry, it is because your passions are whipped up and you are lead like a bunch of sheep by self-serving bigots like Advani, Singhal and Deoras. Sack them and think for yourselves. Look at yourselves. Aren't we minorities in this country ? How would we like it if a Christian fundamentalist group comes and demolishes some of our temples in this country which are built on converted churches ? Aren't we supposed to be sensitive to minority issues ?"

(13) What the Hindu fanatics say: "Listen to both sides." ('Hey guys, let us have symmetry' argument)

What the normal Hindus say: "No, there are no two sides. Bigotry, racism, fundamentalism all have only one side - the bad side. If you are willing to apologize for what happened in Ayodhya and Bombay and are willing to work for a secular India, we can talk. I am sure you have some genuine grievances, but nothing should make an animal of you. You clamor for a common Civil code. We should be able to work such things out, even though the Civil codes don't impact 99.99 % of the population of India."