Nelson News Network

Nelson News Network

For Nelson's second news correspondence, he brings us his opinion on:

"Operation Anaconda and Old Ladies"

So here I am, Nelson DiChezzerai with some more opinions on the news. The News, around this time, like I have said before, is very bitter sweet, like punching an old lady in her stomach. You think; I just punched an old lady, she's hurt, but you also think; I just punched an old lady HOLY SHIT. So that ape-like president keeps us posted on this "War on Terrorism", like Fuv Ma' Poppin' has said "BOOORRINNGG." I'm more amused by punching old lad..I mean...oh never mind. It's hard keeping up really, the mishaps in Bush's life and the "War om Terrorism" seem to blur. I mean how well can a guy who not only almost choked to death on a pretzel but (I heard recently) waved to Stevie Wonder, tell us what's going on in the world? What I have gathered so far goes into two columns: STILL trying to get those goddamn terror guys out of the caves A.K.A "Operation Anaconda" and Monuments made for the people of September 11.

Operation Anaconda: Well Well Well, they try to trick us, making us think they are doing something new, but in reality slap a new name on something they have been doing for quite awhile, like when you were little and your Mom said instead of clean your room that you could go on a magic adventure, finding amazing treasure, and stash it away with your booty? The only damn treasure I find now is "Lion King" underwear in size 2. They are basically still looking around in the caves for Osama, even though they know he ain't there, and rooting out more of his guys, which is good, just don't try to glamorize it all right? Don't get on the news every night and say something like "I think I saw a goose today who looked like Osama Bid Laden, because we are hot on his trail, oh that goose didn't know what was coming" They are actually doing good things though, too. I heard recently they found a minor base/hideout and killed like 200 guys or something. It's OK to look for pride in your job, but bragging about your head count isn't great either.

Now we come to monuments: So let's see, they put up a few short-term monuments, if I'm correct, and they were great really. There was one with pictures of the people who were killed and notes and stuff. That was good. And a flag made out of littler flags; not too original but nice. The only thing I had a problem with was the light.what the HELL were they thinking?! It is for two reasons that I have a problem.

1) How many times have people brought lights to funerals.hmm my friend's brother died, I think I'll buy him a flashlight. Here's a flashlight friend, so that you can look for love, or hold it up and make shadow puppets in remembrance of him, cause everyone LOVES shadow puppets, ESPECIALLY the DEAD kind of people.
2) Hey, guess what. People twenty miles away can see that huge thing. Anybody. That includes terrorists! "Hey Osama, they jammed our radar and screwed up our maps, but HEY LOOK THERES A HUGE FRIGGING LIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF NEW YORK!!! It's a lot easier to find it now!!"