Nelson News Network

Nelson News Network

For Nelson's fourth news correspondence, he brings us his opinion on:

"The Easter Bunny = Jim Belushi"

Easter? Easter? What the hell? What happened to Easter? Where along the time of Christ did someone say, "Hey, Jesus I got this GREAAT idea, see on the day when you rise from the dead, I'm gonna hide eggs all around, and paint them pastel colors too. And not only that BUT I'm gonna get a big Bunny to walk around and get photos with little kids!" Jesus would just look at him and say. "I don't think you can follow us around Apostle Pot-Head"

I mean what does it all mean? First of all, I don't know about you, but my family and I celebrate Easter because Jesus rose from the dead, because it is a religious holiday and because our faith tells us to be on our best behavior and do something special on that day. Where the hell did the Bunny come from? I mean OK, people celebrate Christmas, if they're not Catholic to give gifts because Santa Claus is going to make them in his factory for the little kids, but the kids have to be good. This acts as leverage for parents who are crappy parents. But around the Lenten season do parents, who aren't Christian say to their children," OK kids, you better be good or the Easter Bunny won't bring you any M&Ms or colored eggs". The kids would say, "Mom, we colored those eggs, they are in the fridge right now, I could be eating one a friggin second from now." Do they let on that the Easter Bunny has a big factory, and they "make" eggs and candy? Is the Easter bunny using chickens as his "elves"?

I think without Santa the Easter Bunny could not last. He's like a crappier version of him. He's the cousin who's on drugs, or the poker buddy who always passes out. He's like Jim in respect to John Belushi.

So I have decided to make the reason and purpose of the Bunny in comparison to the JC story.

Easter Bunny: The Easter Bunny is Jesus's cousin. He's the Easter buddy. The guy who always shows up without being invited. He's like William Christ or Jacuhb Christ. It symbolizes the fact that you're going to be forced to do something today, with people you rarely see, or like.

The Eggs: The egg is the symbol of sex, right? So on Easter you have to go out and find sex. Lots of it. It's what Jesus intended. Believe me, I have connections. Jesus is born, you get presents. Jesus dies, you have lots of sex. Oh yeah, and the colored ones symbolize condoms. And a chocolate egg means gay man sex, if you get my drift.

Candy: The candy of Easter symbolizes all the days you have off. All the time you have to avoid the person you don't like and find sex.

Easter Bunny Bringing Eggs (i.e. sex): This is that, you know, dumbest guy in the place who always has the prettiest girl. Jesus wants you to steal that girl from him, and have sex with her (after marriage of course). That's why the Bunny is hiding the eggs, he doesn't want anyone to pork his girl.