Nelson News Network

Nelson News Network

For Nelson's fifth news correspondence, he brings us his opinion on:

The Only Way Slimfast and Cloning Could Ever Be Connected

Cloning is not a very good idea AT ALL! Not a good idea at all is what I say! And I'll tell you why, but first, let's get across that George Bush did the right thing. He was right in saying that cloning is not a good idea, with his monkeyish grin and beady eyes. He got across the right points some weeks ago. Anyway, he's not as big an idiot as everyone thinks he is.

OK back to Cloning.yeah, it's a bad idea. Well OK, to test it they need to demolish human life.for record I don't understand that, cause if they ever get it to work they can just clone the cells that were messed up.but that's besides the point. I'm not saying it's a bad idea because you hurt those itty-bitty cells, but YES that's wrong too. And also let's get across that if or whenever they do actually clone something, it's not like BOOM ZAP there is double of what their was before. It needs to be grown and started all over again.and you can't clone anything that isn't organic. OK, people say, "We could reproduce famous world leaders!" No, no we couldn't. Yes we could make people look exactly LIKE famous world leaders, but their minds would be different depending on what their childhood was like. Hell, if they made Adolf Hitler again, they could make the guy kind and nice or silly and funny. It all depends on his parents and how he grew up. Maybe they could save his sexuality too. So let's throw those theories out the window right now.

Hey look an old lady getting hit by a.oh never mind..

Anyway, the only good I can see that could come of cloning would be that we could remake the biggest pigs, and the fattest cows. Then this would solve some of the world hunger, right? It would also cause TWO great problems. Hmm let's see.with everyone being able to make the BIGGEST FATTEST cows and pigs, the number of farmers would go down.making many lose their job. THEN the fast food chains would get hit with a wave too. The big thick meat would be so cheap and easy to get, and common, they would increase profits and more and more fast food places would pop up seeking the fast food gold rush that would come of low low meat costs. No store could say they were different or better, and a lot would merge or go out of business due to fierce competition. Not only that, but with all the abundant food, weight problems would go through the ROOF! Fat people would be even more common then they are now, littering the streets with their hunks of gooey fat. No other species has been able to let themselves grow fat and lazy, besides humans. Since you could clone people, crazy scientists would take cells from big fatasses and then clone them, and grow them for meat. This would cause all of society to go into a cannibalistic state. Then Communism would sweep in among the food, because everyone's meat would be EXACTLY the same, making every food the same, making no difference for everything. Sounds like Red Bastards to me.

Ronald McDonald would take his rightful place as dictator, because around 2/3 of the voters are over weight, or would be by then, and we would have to be ordered around by this FOOD/WORLD DOMINATION ICON. McDonalds workers would be his armor, having a patch with a fry crossed with a sword. Mass Genocide would occur for those not overweight, except for Ronald and his minions, because he would force you to eat his food, or cook you in his ovens, or BOTH! Who would save us Gay Superman? George Bush? The mysterious, powerful, yet benevolent Burger King? No, I'll tell you who will! The makers of SLIM FAST! The Slim Fast people would form a secret revolutionary organization; dumping hundreds of gallons into the water supply, making people lose their weight. Slim Fast and skinny people would unite all over the world, overthrowing the tyrant McDonald. It wouldn't be easy though. Oh no, it would take all kinds of chemicals and secret workouts. They would send subliminal messages to exercise. Jarred from Subway would lead them, inspiring hoagie eating everywhere. Eventually they would have to develop some kind of bomb, a big atomic bomb.An Atomic Slim Fast Bomb. One that drop pounds like an old man's sagging manhood. HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE'S POUNDS WOULD BE BLOWN AWAY, JUST TO STOP THE GREASY McDONALDS!

Now look, we could just prevent all this. We just have to condemn cloning. Because like I said, it's not a good idea

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Do you have a rebuttal to Mr. DiChezzerai's argument? Send it to indigoretina@yahoo.com and we'll put it up on the site.