Nelson News Network

Nelson News Network

For Nelson's sixth news correspondence, he brings us his opinion, entitled

Not Cool FOX, Not Cool

Hey hey, it's me again: your faithful, and lately somewhat confused columnist: Nelson DiChezzerai. And I have things to tell you, some things that, like usuall have upset me in a number of ways. So let's just get right down to it, as soon as possible.

Lately, I have seen, every night on my TV screen, maybe a foot across, the FOX News at 10:00. I have noticed that FOX has been trying to act like it is some great neighborhood help by showing things like "Get a Car Towed" and "What's Bugging You?"

Do you know whats bugging me, FOX? YOU! Who the Hell do they think they are?! Christ! They are on an evil tirade, and I'm not about to sit around and watch. You know why? Because there are no good friggin' shows TO watch. Let's see.it must have all started when they changed the acronym for their name.from Funny Ordinary eXamples.to Fucking Over-controlling X-hipsters. 'Cause we all know, there was a time when FOX was great, and very funny. I would set the early 90's at its peek. The Simpsons was GREAT, everything was great, even the Saturday morning cartoons were great. All the originals: X-men, Spiderman, Eek the Cat were there too. But now..FOX is singing another tune. They are so afraid of being a little sexist, maybe a little racist, religionist, everything-ist! A perfect example: The cancellation of Family Guy. First it's on, then it's off, then it's on, then it's off.

No, I'm not talking about a freak accident with Viagra, this is what FOX is doing to what I would say is one of it's Number ONE shows. And this was going on, mainly, when Simpsons was at an all time low (Dolphins taking over? Ughhh.) Then.then.I was going to forgive FOX, I was going to forget all about the Family Guy situation, and just sit back and watch some good quality entertainment. And they robbed me of that!

The Tick situation. I loved The Tick. Now, some disagree, but if you know me, you know that the show was right up my alley. A bit irreverent, super heroes, and a blend of nothing.much like Seinfeld. And yet somehow FOX manages to screw me over like a cheap tranvestite whore. A little while back The Lone Gunmen came out. That show was all right. It got a lot of giggles. So where does FOX put it? On friggin' Friday night. The only people who were home to watch that on Friday nights might as well just shoot themselves because the closest thing they are going to get to a girlfriend is Dark Angel

Well at least there was some shit shows cancelled. We don't have to listen to some stick figured lady, looking much like the scare crow, fumble through her life, switching sexual preference like Michael Jackson, halusinating like she's on LSD and taking on cases in which a man thinks his wife is a soccer ball and a lady has a dual personality, hiring Christini Ricci. There is no more ape-like southerner, prancing around complaining about life with his younger (retarded?) brother, his butch girlfriend, his drunken, homophobic dad and best (gay?) friend. No more assortment of college drunks, trudging there way through classes (much like high school), having confusing plotlines where a girl has sex with a kid, then likes him, then doesn't, then does. And hiring a football team of "cool" stars to have very small cameo appearances. Don't get me wrong. All shows have their moments. However, I like my IQ to remain at the same level after I'm done watching these shows.

So what do you have left to watch on this Nazi station? Well you could watch "Boston Public", critically acclaimed for its realistic plot lines. I have seen such episodes where the teacher porks his student, a student goes nuts and attacks the school with guns, a lawyer one day walks in and decides to teach with little to no qualification, a lady ties up her son in the basement, then he in retaliation cuts her forearm off with a chain saw. She then gets a job at the school and dates the vice principal. A kid video tapes one teacher in the shower then sells it in school, and a student poses for Playboy. Also, a recurring gag is that a lady comes in with a shoe, shouting for people to "Smell the Shoe". It's really amazing how many times they worked that into the script.

And what's in store for the network? Well, there's the "American Embassy" about a lady who finds herself in England, while working at the American Embassy there. Can anybody say "Ally McBeal in London"? I can see it now: a little baby, who instead of dances around says "Please Miss, may I have some more" with a thick cockney accent. The only good thing that is coming full force, 24 episodes a season I think, is "Andy Richter Controls the Universe", that show is hilarious. It is the one and only true savier of the FOX station.

So what are we to do?

We should accept the racial sterotypes and watch UPN all day like the white honky crankers we are! "Huck mister, I'm a gonna watch me some television on the TV screen. Dawg Dawg, I'm hip"

Shocked? Appalled? Go back to the Nelson News Network Main Page!

Do you have a rebuttal to Mr. DiChezzerai's argument? Send it to indigoretina@yahoo.com and we'll put it up on the site.