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Nelson
News Network
For Nelson's seventh news correspondence, he brings us his opinion, entitled Sadd-ama Bin Laden? Hey people. Here's Nelson DiChezzerai reporting again since uh...uh..since the last time my computer wasn't really fucked up. So I'm back in black. Well, actually I'm in more of a jeans color/cammo...oh never mind, let's get down to business. What's happened since I've been gone? Hmmm. A whole lot. A lot of a lot. The first thing was Martha Stewart got pinned for wrongdoings with the stock market. The rest of the world just shook their heads and said "Oh Martha..." in a negative tone. In other news, Betty Crocker was arrested for prostitution and Aunt Jemima was last seen holding up a 7-11 for the money she needs to get her sweet sweet heroin fix. Captain Crunch just came out of the closet...with Carrot Top. I'm sorry, I had to throw it in there. Next, there's the race for PA governor. Dear me. I didn't know taxi drivers were so immersed in politics. I also didn't know taxi drivers could speak English. Ed Rendell in an interview referred to Philadelphia as Pittsburgh, because his campaign managers said that to the rest of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia is a curse word. Well, Philadelphia You The Rest of Pennsylvania! Go Philadelphia yourselves! Oh, that reminds me of this whole New Jersey senator business. It seems Torracelli just dropped out, cause he wasn't doing to good and his advisors thought they could get a new person in fast and make everyone like him. They might as well elect a dildo as a candidate cause they ain't gonna win. Well, maybe with the dil..never mind. And GeorgeW. Bush is going to start an attack on Iraq, Well, you threw us out of Iraq eleven times, we won't stand for it after twelve. Or maybe it went over like this: George shoots up from his desk in the White House. A mix of papers, candy wrappers and gummy bears stick to his face. He wakes up in horror dreaming that the other Presidents from time beat him up, made him their bitch, and kicked him out of the Glee Club. Al Gore was there, laughing, and laughing, and laughing in his usual monotonous fashion. He quickly rips away the papers attached to his cheek and glances down at one in particular. It says Saddam on it, which makes George squint ape-like. He asks someone to pronounce it for him, which they quickly do, but he only hears the "s" sound. He thinks Saddam, Osama , Saddam , Osama. Then he throws it into the files of things he needs to kill, and dreams of the day he'll be able to rip away that goofy mustache and unveil that Osama Bin Laden is also Saddam Hussein. Ohhh, how the other Presidents will want him in the Glee Club then, he thinks, as he falls fast asleep. Later George wet his pants.Shocked? Appalled? Go back to the Nelson News Network Main Page! Do you have a rebuttal to Mr. DiChezzerai's argument? Send it to indigoretina@yahoo.com and we'll put it up on the site.
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