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Top Ten Things Overheard at the All-Star Game - July 11, 1989

10. See all those kids in the right field bleachers? Steve Garvey's. 9. What the hell is Al Sharpton doing coaching third? 8. Somebody call Dodger Stadium and see if Reagan went there by mistake. 7. Boy! All-Stars sure scratch themselves a lot! 6. I know Reagan is doing the play-by-play, but why is Jimmy Carter selling nachos? 5. Look! Tommy Lasorda's taking a leak in the parking lot! 4. Because the rules say we have to pick one member from every team -- please welcome Doug Jones of the Cleveland Indians. 3. Yes, Mr. President, they've used gloves for some time now. 2. More kraut on that dog Miss Garbo? 1. Steinbrenner, though he has no connection with this particular contest, sucks.

Top Ten New York City Fashion Statements - July 13, 1989

10. Honey, I Shrunk the Pants. 9. Blind Date. 8. Bozo's Mistress. 7. Dressed to Grill. 6. America's Most Wanted. 5. Your Ad Here. 4. Ghostbusters III. 3. Mork from New York. 2. Hey Look -- Hookers! 1. To the Opera, James.

President Bush's Top Ten Gaffes While in Europe - July 14, 1989

10. Addressed heads of lesser-developed nations in baby talk. 9. When presented with vintage camembert commented "Phew! What died?" 8. Ill-conceived speech to French military command: "We bailed out your sorry butts." 7. Tried to go into Hungarian 7-Eleven without shirt or shoes. 6. Gave away ending of "Ghostbusters II" to Lech Walesa. 5. Remarked to Bulgarian minister "You people sure turn out some good carnival acts." 4. Asked curator at the Louvre "Where's the pictures of naked broads?" 3. Accidentally told other world leaders that Quayle is vice president. 2. Washed out shorts in the bidet. 1. Loudly announcing everywhere he went "Ich bin ein Batman."

Top Ten Features of the New Stealth Bomber - July 18, 1989

10. Has 2" ball hitch on back so it can pull stealth trailer. 9. Makes square and crescent shaped ice cubes. 8. Plenty of room on wing for Trump logo. 7. Computer tabulator shows pilot up-to-the-minute frequent flyer mileage. 6. Easiest plane ever for pouring Pepsi upside down. 5. Siren sounds if monster appears on wing like in Twilight Zone. 4. Nose cone opens to release spring-loaded boxing glove. 3. Enormous speakers can be heard playing "We Will Rock You" across a continent. 2. Advanced bombsights allow crew to deliver payload right down Khadafy's shorts. 1. Kids fly free.

Batman's Top Ten Pet Peeves - July 19, 1989

10. After dramatic entrance at scene of crime, having to convince everybody he's not a professional wrestler. 9. When you can see outline of underwear through Bat Suit. 8. Punks who gather around and smart off while he's getting gas for the Batmobile. 7. Nuclear power source for utility belt has rendered him sterile. 6. Really stupid people that shout out, "Hey! Where's Tonto?" 5. When dry cleaners accidentally switches Bat Suit and San Diego Chicken costume. 4. When an episode focuses way too much on Jake. 3. Seeing Alfred the butler talking to Albert Goldman. 2. The way any two-bit moron with a flashlight and a piece of cardboard can summon him at night. 1. When people call him "The Batman" -- it's just "Batman," damn it!

Top Ten Things Dave Would Have Said if He'd Been First Man on the Moon - July 20, 1989

10. Any music for this, Paul? 9. Reminds me of Muncie. 8. I'm sorry officer. I didn't realize I was going 18,000 mph. 7. Could you hold that cue card a little higher? 6. If I drink one more packet of Tang, I'm gonna puke. 5. Hello Casey? I have really long distance dedication. 4. Man, do I have to take a leak! 3. Phylicia Ayers-Allen -- will you marry me? 2. Hey! It's Elvis! 1. One small step for Dave; one giant leap for Dave's moonlanding T-shirt sales.

Top Ten Names for the Letterman Estate - July 25, 1989

10. Camp David 9. Graceland North 8. Drifter's Haven 7. The Old Helmsley Place 6. Colonel Dave's Post World War III Love Bunker 5. The Deep Woods Tick Ranch 4. The Taj Ma Hal Gurnee 3. The House that Ruth Buzzi Built 2. The Swankienda 1. Shangri-Dave

Top Ten Secrets Felix Bloch Revealed to the Soviets - July 26, 1989

10. The stealth bomber can be knocked out of the sky with an ordinary garden hose. 9. So-called "secret sauce" is nothing but catsup and mayonnaise mixed together. 8. Take the Reds and two runs over the Padres. 7. The Joker didn't really die at the end of "Batman". 6. Tom Brokaw's American Express number: 360-9950-4425 (expires 4/91). 5. 101 guaranteed sure-fire pickup lines. 4. The true identity of the San Diego Chicken. 3. Try lemon juice on those stubborn grass stains. 2. Helen Hayes goes nuts when you blow on the back of her neck. 1. Dan Quayle is only pretending to be a dumb guy.

Top Ten Ways Dave Will Lower His Cholesterol - July 27, 1989

10. Use skim milk in my coffee instead of mayonnaise. 9. Have my private nurse discontinue the intravenous liquid cheese feedings. 8. Pay a 10-year-old kid to take my test for me. 7. Cancel my annual "Cool Hand Luke" egg-eating contest. 6. Visit a quack nutritionist in Guatemala who for $1,000 will play with the numbers and give me a low count. 5. Instead of sitting in my chair and telling my assistant to run my errands, I'll walk over to her desk and tell her to do them. 4. Replace cholesterol-clogged arms and legs with cool bionic limbs. 3. No more fooling around on weekends answering door in sculpted beard of butter. 2. No longer use blacking-out as signal to stop at all-you-can-eat fried clam bars. 1. Use my wealth and power to pressure the A.M.A. to dangerously lower their standards.

Adnan Khashoggi's Top Ten Money-Saving Tips - July 28, 1989

10. If you're careful, a yacht can be used more than once. 9. HBO or Cinemax -- not both. 8. Caviar Helper. 7. Have Leona Helmsley do all your shopping for you. 6. No more loans to Pete Rose. 5. For entertainment at next party, hire Frank Sinatra Jr. 4. Don't pay a lot for your muffler. 3. Live at Letterman's place for a while. 2. Two words: token sucking. 1. Quit trying to keep up with the Trumps.

Top Ten New York City Hats - August 1, 1989

[another visual one] 10. The psychedelic juicer 9. F.T.D.-lightful 8. They were all out of Batman hats 7. Probably Steve Garvey's 6. Buy one get one free 5. Mom and Dad -- my fiance 4. Looking for Dave's house 3. Honey, I shrunk the hat 2. We hope it's a hat 1. The guy from Ipanema

Top Ten Ways Rob Lowe Could Fulfill His Community Service - August 2, 1989

10. Share tips with high school audio-visual clubs. 9. Give counseling sessions to Steve Garvey. 8. Pose nude for prison art classes. 7. Spend one Saturday each month as Yankee manager. 6. Read aloud to Dan Quayle. 5. Lecture to church groups on differences between Beta and VHS. 4. Clean graffiti off back of Roger Ebert. 3. Hunt down and kill Judd Nelson. 2. Remind apathetic youth of rewards of getting involved in political conventions. 1. Keep eye open for Bat Signal while Batman naps.

Top Ten Reasons Dave Would Make a Good Father - August 3, 1989

10. My hairpiece makes a great crib toy. 9. House already loaded with Cocoa-Puffs and Tang. 8. Could praise fingerpainting because I'm used to lying to guests about how good they were. 7. Generous gifts to my old college guarantee kids get at least a third-rate education. 6. Kids and I could learn the facts of life together. 5. I'd know when to switch from Cycle 1 to Cycle 2. 4. We could do an Oldsmobile commercial together. 3. I'm loaded. 2. If scheduled babysitter doesn't show up, I could always book Marv Albert. 1. If Dick van Patten can do it, so can I.

Top Ten Demands of the Striking Telephone Workers - August 8, 1989

10. Sick of getting paid in quarters. 9. Make it illegal for people to answer the phone: "Yel-lo!" 8. Full protective clothing and breathing apparatus for guys who clean mouthpieces of New York City payphones. 7. Can refuse to repair phones shaped like cartoon cats. 6. Right to listen in on Rob Lowe's phone conversations. 5. Operators no longer have to make busy-signal sound with their mouths. 4. Power to send National Guard troops to level homes of people with funny answering machine messages. 3. Authorization to say, "Look it up yourself, you lazy sack of crud." 2. The right to call everyone "Larry" -- as in: "Thank you for using AT&T, Larry." 1. Stop all the damn ringing! Ringing! Ringing!

Top Ten Cartoons Shows in Iran - August 9, 1989

10. Ayatollah Turtle 9. Scooby Abu Nidal 8. Dennis the Brainwashed Skyjacking Menace 7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Mullahs 6. George Bush, the Pork Rind-Eating Infidel Dog 5. Super-Sloppy Rushdie Hunt! 4. Carlos the Jackal 3. Popeye the Uncircumcised Sailor 2. The Moose in the Burnoose 1. Really Looney Tunes

Top Ten Better Ways To Spend $166 Billion - August 10, 1989

10. Put aluminum siding on every house on the planet. 9. Buy Leona Helmsley breakfast. 8. Back-to-school clothes for all of Steve Garvey's kids. 7. Cab ride from JFK to Manhattan. 6. Marry Robin Givens. 5. Give it to Pete Rose. See if he can double it. 4. Hire Jack Nicholson to play Yosemite Sam on this show every night for a year. 3. Give fabulous gifts for the Late Night audience -- the best damn audience in the world. 2. Pay a real lot for your muffler. 1. Walk into every pet shop in the world and announce, "Hey everybody! The dogs are on me!"

Top Ten New York City Tourist Attractions - August 11, 1989

10. The Sewer Rat Petting Zoo 9. The Health Inspector Evasion Drill 8. Leona Helmsley's Closet: A Look into the Future 7. Bailout! The Savings and Loan Musical 6. Sidewalk Siskel 5. The Hollywood Squares Minimum Security Prison 4. The King 3. The Desperately Lonely Man's Escort Service 2. The Ayatollah's U.S. Tour '89 1. Mike Tyson's Spit-Bucket Wishing Well

Top Ten Lessons from Woodstock - August 15, 1989

10. Not everyone looks good naked. 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee. 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee. 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe! 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na. 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000-to-1 person to Port-a-San ratio. 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style. 3. A drum solo cannot be too long. 2. I, Dave Letterman, will never rent out my farm again. 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to future generations.

Top Ten Pet Peeves of the Ghost of Elvis - August 18, 1989

10. Never got a chance to try them Dove Bars. 9. Ghost of Leonardo Da Vinci never really thanked me for the Cadillac I gave him. 8. When people you never heard of claim you live in their toaster. 7. 7-Elevens in Netherworld don't carry Ring-Dings. 6. That pansy Casper. 5. Being a bodiless vaporous spirit makes it hard to hold a chili dog. 4. All those strangers walking through my house. 3. A couple of movies and every nut with a vacuum cleaner thinks he's a "ghostbuster." 2. I wore capes before Batman made it hip. 1. Trying to get ouija board to spell out "double order of ribs to go."

Top Ten Reasons Cher Couldn't Make It on the Show - August 19, 1989

10. One of her tattoos is infected. 9. Blown transmission on the Chermobile. 8. Double date with Luis Polonia. 7. Today is her baking day. 6. For national security reasons, she and Buck Henry cannot be in the same place at the same time. 5. Slipping cheekbone implants causing her to look like playful squirrel. 4. Recent revelation that her perfume releases a gas that peels paint off cars. 3. Heard Paul Prudhomme was going to wear same outfit. 2. Her gene-splicing research is at a critical stage. 1. She's very, very shy.

Top Ten Columbian Tourist Slogans - September 5, 1989

10. You can't put a street value on fun. 9. Where the hits just keep on comin'! 8. Bored with Beirut? 7. Where every jungle clearing is an international airport. 6. Not affiliated with the Columbia School of Broadcasting. 5. Meet Juan Valdez and tour his "coffee" plantation. 4. 10,000 money-laundering Swiss bankers can't be wrong. 3. A one-ounce "souvenir" can pay for your entire vacation. 2. Tourists? We don't need no stinking tourists! 1. It's like Club Med with car bombs!

Top Ten Thoughts of New Yorkers - September 6, 1989

10. Say, that old lady is holding her own against those three punks. 9. I hope that's from a dripping air conditioner. 8. If they only knew that I, Don Diego -- am Zorro! 7. This is the worst Hawaiian vacation I've ever been on. 6. Hey! Those hot dogs smell like Mom! 5. Mrs. Lasorda... Mrs. Tommy Lasorda... Mr. & Mrs. Thomas Lasorda... Mrs. T. Lasorda... Tommy and me.... 4. I'm going to sit on this bench until my legs are a deep mahogany. 3. Hey! Those hot dogs smell like Mom! 2. Another hour and I break for lunch. 1. I wish I had a holster like the other kids.

Top Ten Signs that Jim Bakker Is Sane and Competent - September 7, 1989

10. No longer believes he's being stared at by Pez dispenser. 9. Thinks Rorschach inkblots look like Tammy Faye's makeup. 8. Conversations with God now limited to weather and sports. 7. Withdrew his Miss America entry form. 6. Declared he would never intentionally pay a lot for his muffler. 5. Voices in his head now play love songs -- nothing but love songs. 4. He's an excellent driver. 3. Now understands big scary invisible animals are as afraid of him as he is of them. 2. Has started interviewing church secretaries again. 1. He didn't wait two years for tickets to watch someone groom a poodle.

Top Ten Reasons Arnold Schwarzenegger Dropped Out as Miss America Judge -September 8, 1989

10. They wouldn't let him sing "Here She Comes, Miss America." 9. Thought he'd have to wear stupid black robe and powdered wig. 8. Just found out what those bastards did to Bert Parks. 7. Afraid TV Guide would put his head on Ann-Margret's body. 6. Conflict of interest when Miss Massachusetts turned out to be Rose Kennedy. 5. Learned swimsuit pose-off was open only to contestants -- not judges. 4. Heard they wouldn't validate parking. 3. Groin pull. 2. Got better offer to judge Star Search. 1. He's 'whipped.

Top Ten Reasons Hugh Hefner Will Make a Good Father - September 12, 1989

10. Can warm bottles of formula in the hot tub. 9. Could teach child math while explaining how his half-sister is older than his mother. 8. No greater authority figure than a Dad who hangs around all day in a bathrobe. 7. Jimmy Caan always available to babysit. 6. Can help them make college choice through a "Girls of the Big Ten" pictorial. 5. If the kid gets flu, there's plenty of penicillin on hand. 4. Could lull tot to sleep with nursery rhyme about "The Man from Nantucket." 3. Can teach youngster facts of life using nude photos of Mom. 2. Would make the swingingest Little League coach ever. 1. If he didn't care about America's young people, he wouldn't marry them.

Top Ten Ed Koch Excuses - September 13, 1989

10. Leona Helmsley endorsement less help than expected. 9. Shouldn't have boasted about having "the deepest pot holes in the whole wide world." 8. Graduates of city schools couldn't read name on ballot. 7. Failed to deliver on pledge to go underground and personally capture the big hairy guy from "Beauty & The Beast." 6. Should have listened when people answered "How'm I doin'?" by saying " You suck." 5. Mistake declaring crumbling bridges and tunnels "thrill rides." 4. Wasted money buying unseen ads during Letterman show. 3. Should have shook hands and kissed babies -- not vice versa. 2. Became laughing stock when Batman never answered signal outside City Hall. 1. Most Koch supporters lost right to vote when convicted.

Top Ten Reasons Exxon Is Leaving Alaska - September 14, 1989

10. Sometimes had to drive miles to find liquor store. 9. Planning big oil spill off California. 8. Going to start really big job of cleaning up Exxon station restrooms. 7. Somebody thought they saw Bigfoot. 6. Just got contract to take makeup off Tammy Faye Bakker. 5. Decided black gunk covering coastline and wildlife actually looks kind of cool. 4. Big party this weekend at Captain Hazelwood's. 3. Wanted to be there to give Zsa Zsa all the support she needs. 2. Time to face the fact that Batman isn't gonna answer Bat-signal. 1. Have to move on to screw up bigger and better things.

Top Ten Rules of the Miss America Pageant - September 15, 1989

10. Liposuction is permitted; but not as part of the talent competition. 9. Contestants must check out of judges' hotel rooms by 11:00 a.m. 8. Anyone who takes a water break without asking spends a night in the box. 7. The balk rule will be enforced. 6. Non-finalists standing in the background may smoke discreetly 5. Scholarship money may not be applied toward candy. 4. Contestants with private armies may not topple duly elected winner. 3. No Gabors. 2. For those who have had cosmetic surgery, at least 80% of their bodies must be from their home state. 1. Contestants may use Vaseline on teeth; not on Gary Collins.

Top Ten Signs that Chef Boyardee Is Losing His Mind - September 19, 1989

10. Believes Spaghetti-O's can be used as birth control device. 9. Obsessed with idea of tomato-based cologne. 8. Recently got engaged to Robin Givens. 7. Test marketing "Pasta 'n' Thumbs." 6. At recent sales meeting, dropped pants and said, "Let's put the boy back in Boyardee!" 5. Paranoid delusion that wife is sleeping with Uncle Ben. 4. Every few minutes and for no apparent reason, yells "Bingo!" at the top of his lungs. 3. Believes he is Mrs. David Letterman. 2. Instead of traditional chef's "OK" sign, now just gives the finger. 1. Taken to splashing himself with spaghetti sauce and wandering around bus station chanting, "Lick me."

Top Ten Signs that Ronald Reagan is Recovering - September 20, 1989

10. He starting to forget things again. 9. Just signed to fight George Forman. 8. Last night, for first time since the operation, he sang along with the "Three's Company" theme. 7. Returned to post on Sunset and Vine selling maps to the stars' homes. 6. Puts up vigorous fight whenever Nancy just says no. 5. Called Iran to see if they need any weapons. 4. Can distinguish between what he saw in movie and what actually happened in Broadway musical. 3. No longer takes naked strolls pushing wheelbarrow. Now leaves wheelbarrow home. 2. Came out of anesthesia shouting, "Bush is president? We're doomed!" 1. Because Nancy says so.

Top Ten Complaints of Jane Pauley - September 21, 1989

10. Deborah Norville points to nameplate on door and asks "Will that come off easily?" 9. Network garage doesn't have discount rate for dirt bikes. 8. Replaced on news updates by cartoon goose. 7. Commissary's mandatory shirt and shoes rule. 6. Token-sucking not as easy as it looks. 5. 3:00 a.m. calls from liquored-up Linda Ellerbee begging her to try Maxell House coffee. 4. Barroom bouncers who say "I'll call you" -- but never do. 3. Having to drive Letterman to and from work. 2. Your name has to be "Bill Cosby" before NBC will kiss your butt. 1. Them screamin' brats of hers.

Top Ten Numbers Between One and Ten - September 22, 1989

10. Seven 9. Four 8. Ten 7. Three 6. Eight and a half 5. Nine 4. Two 3. One 2. Eight 1. Five & Six (tie)

Top Ten Mr. Wizard Experiments - October 3, 1989

10. Let's flush a canned ham down the toilet. 9. Will your head fit here? 8. Taking a core sample of Tammy Faye Bakker's mascara. 7. Getting free HBO. 6. How many beers before you make a pass at Bea Arthur? 5. How much Crisco can you eat? 4. Substitution of Folgers Crystals for freshly brewed coffee. 3. Dressing like Mrs. Wizard. 2. A potato in your pocket: the moist, dark world of growth. 1. Those two flight attendants in Dallas.

Top Ten Panamanian Coup Excuses - October 5, 1989

10. Newspaper printed wrong starting time for coup. 9. Thought we were just staging another "battle" for CBS news. 8. All those Spanish street names -- it's easy to get lost! 7. Missed second part of two-part "Mission Impossible" episode coup was based on. 6. Bernie Goetz never showed. 5. Right in mid-coup, we got word of the Zsa Zsa verdict. 4. Saw pineapple in kitchen and thought Noriega had already been decapitated. 3. Forgot to get express written consent of Major League Baseball. 2. Batman never answered the signal. 1. It turns out Noriega is a pretty OK Joe once you get to know him.

Top Ten Ways the Dalai Lama Will Spend His Nobel Prize Money - October 6, 1989

10. Get saxophone out of hock. 9. No more "budget" English muffins. 8. Give Cadillacs to Sonny and Red. 7. New kitchen cabinets for Mrs. Lama. 6. Give it to Pete Rose; see if he can double it. 5. Bail out Merv Griffin. 4. Put finishing touches on Lamaland amusement park. 3. Kegger! 2. Hush money to former temple secretary. 1. One seriously large order of McDonald's french fries.

Top Ten Recent News Stories from TASS - October 10, 1989

10. Spot on Gorby's head looks like Elvis. 9. Yogurt-eating grandpa is sex king of the Balkans. 8. New secret weapon installed inside Bush's middle finger. 7. Way you cook your cabbage reveals your personality. 6. Khrushchev alive and well and doing the weather on NBC's "Today Show." 5. TV's Roseanne: American lady in a Soviet body. 4. 90-foot zucchini wins blue ribbon at Chernobyl Fair. 3. Jackie Mason out of Yeltsin campaign. 2. Voice from Lenin's tomb says, "I had Cher!" 1. Vodka sales triple; so do UFO sightings.

Top Ten Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of Disney World - October 11, 1989

10. Driving down Main Street USA with Bambi's mother strapped to your fender. 9. Dumping medical waste into Sleeping Beauty's moat. 8. Boarding the monorail and announcing you're Bernie Goetz. 7. Taunting guy in Pluto costume for not being able to get better job. 6. Declaring loudly, "I do believe in Tinkerbell!" in mens room. 5. Going after Chip and Dale with a weed-wacker. 4. After biting into snack bar sandwich saying, "I taste mouse." 3. Taking a leak in the Enchanted Forest. 2. Parading around in "Home of the Matterhorn" underwear. 1. Bringing your own mouse suit.

Top Ten East German Government Explanations for the Mass Defections - October 13, 1989

10. Moved everyone out for a few days so we could paint the place. 9. We wanted to lighten load of our overworked census takers. 8. Tempted by all those letters from Ed McMahon. 7. They're just going to refill steroid prescriptions. 6. Wanted to scare the French. 5. We couldn't get the Chinese tanks here in time. 4. Auditions for open slot on the "Today Show." 3. They heard there was plenty of room at Letterman's place. 2. They're going to Disney World! 1. Who are we kidding? Communism sucks!

Top Ten Least Popular Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors - October 18, 1989

10. Oprah Mocha 9. Raspberry Rash 8. Norieggnog 7. Cholesterol Chip 6. Zsa Zsa Gaboreo 5. Tiny Filaments O'Tungsten 4. Uninhibited by Cher 3. Stuff-Found-in-Ben-&-Jerry's-Pockets 2. Bus Depot Fudge 1. Hitler Ripple

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Letterman Family Reunion - October 19, 1989

10. "Hey Dave, who drove you here?" 9. "Is this where the line forms to tell Dave your sob story?" 8. "OK. Carnival people on the left side of the table. Circus people on the right." 7. "Gee. Paul Shaffer albums for everybody. Thanks a lot." 6. "What's it like working with Kathie Lee?" 5. "I heard Donahue gave his whole family Buicks." 4. "That's the best stripper we ever had!" 3. "Cher was right." 2. "Hey! One person in the Port-O-San at a time!" 1. "Where's Dave?"

Top Ten Questions and Comments of the New York City Health Inspectors - October 20, 1989

10. Does your chef even own a shirt? 9. Such teeming vermin! The food must be excellent! 8. How can I be sure these bills are unmarked? 7. Are you the guys switching Folgers Crystals for regular coffee? 6. I can tell over the phone your place is spotless, Mr. Gotti. 5. If it's caviar, what's it doing in the cat box? 4. How do I say "cash gift" in Korean? 3. Where was the last place you remember seeing your thumb? 2. Oh yeah? Why don't you eat it? 1. Could you put a hairnet on the weasel?

Top Ten Chapter Titles in Nancy Reagan's Book - October 27, 1989

10. Destiny's Detour: My Brief Engagement to Soupy Sales 9. The "Hee-Haw" Years 8. My Son, the Ballerina Sissy-Boy 7. That Hinckley Person Spoils a Day of Shopping 6. A Scary Moment: Ron Thinks He's Invented the Baloney Sandwich 5. Patti Davis: Author, Actress, Beauty ... Oh Alright, Author 4. Raisa Gorbachev: The Jane Wyman of Russia 3. Leona: The Sister I Never Had 2. Skinny-Dipping at Camp David 1. Scared Straight: My Visit to K-Mart

Top Ten Things Overheard at a Senior League Baseball Game - November 2, 1989

10. "Is that a signal or is he adjusting his truss?" 9. "A correction for you home viewers -- that was not in slo-mo." 8. "Are those pinstripes or varicose veins?" 7. "Wow. The wind really got under that hairpiece!" 6. "That's not Morgana! That's Bea Arthur!" 5. "I'll bet he does live through the game, Mr. Rose." 4. "You wanna wake the guy in the on-deck circle?" 3. "Hey batter! Hey batter! ... uh, I forgot what I was going to say." 2. "Oatmeal! Get your nice hot oatmeal!" 1. "Have you ever smelled so much Ben-Gay?"

Top Ten Rejected NBA Promotional Slogans - November 3, 1989

10. It's Dribble-riffic! 9. A couple of white guys sitting around the bench talking. 8. At least our commissioner isn't named "Faye". 7. We hope that squeaking sneaker sound doesn't drive you nuts. 6. No George Steinbrenner! 5. Like big sweaty ballerinas! 4. Sit close and it smells like Cher's perfume! 3. Unlike bowling -- no fat guys! 2. Come see our Johnsons! 1. NBA -- we're easy to spell!

Top Ten Reasons to Vote - November 7, 1989

10. Gives you the chance to take a deep breath in a high school gymnasium. 9. Good practice for voting in TV's "People's Choice" awards. 8. Exciting to pretend big red lever in voting booth is actually power switch to electric chair. 7. Free pamphlets! 6. When you finish, Red Cross nurse gives you delicious cookies. 5. To keep resident Canadians under control. 4. You can shout over closed voting booth curtain, "Hey! Who used all the conditioner?" 3. So we can thumb our noses at the Mexicans and their king. 2. So you'll feel personally involved when the new mayor gets hauled off to jail. 1. Even though it's never come close to happening in 200 years, your one vote could make the difference!

Top Ten Jim Bakker Prison Nicknames - November 8, 1989

10. Shake 'n' Bakker 9. Crybaby 8. Cringe-Under-the-Couch-Potato 7. The Collection Plate 6. Mr. Too-Good-To-Play-Bridge-with-the-Rest-of-Us 5. Heritage USA's Best Ride 4. Sermon on the Mount 3. That-Guy-Who-Hides-When-His-Wife-Comes-To-Visit 2. P. T. Eligible 1. The Fabulous Bakker Boy

Top Ten Ways the Iranians Will Spend the $567 Million - November 9, 1989

10. Upgrade hijackers to first class. 9. Have the Reagans visit 283 times. 8. Set up research lab to develop untippable coffin. 7. Kegger! 6. Commission movie biography of Salman Rushdie starring the guy who played Horshack. 5. Pay for tourism campaign: "Iran -- sort of like Amish country." 4. Lure the Cowsills out of retirement. 3. New York City taxi licenses for everybody! 2. Next pizza: extra cheese! 1. Take the Mrs. to Atlantic City.

Top Ten Reasons Congress Deserves a Pay Hike - November 14, 1989

10. Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes. 9. Because of C-Span, they all had to buy hairpieces. 8. Tired of carpooling with Barney Frank. 7. Tired of Congressman Fred Grandy's taunts about all the dough he's making from "Love Boat" reruns. 6. Most of D.C.'s topless bars have raised their covers. 5. Our nation's lawmakers ought to make at least a fraction of the annual income of the "Hey Vern" guy. 4. Worked long hours trying to keep down the minimum wage. 3. Maybe they'll stop complaining about salaries and do something about the nation's oppressive highway speed limits. 2. Close to half have never been indicted. 1. If raise doesn't go through, have vowed to turn the whole thing over to Quayle.

Lech Walesa's Top Ten Questions While in the United States - November 15, 1989

10. "Why are you so interested in our union, Mr. Gotti?" 9. "Mrs. Bush, could you please get Millie off my leg?" 8. "Am I your only dinner guest, Congressman Frank?" 7. "Are you joking? McRibs?" 6. "Is that just for Warsaw or for the whole country, Mr. Trump?" 5. "If Reagan wasn't coloring his hair, why is it growing in gray now?" 4. "Am I missing something with this Norm Crosby thing?" 3. "Could you get me another cup of coffee, Mr. Quayle?" 2. "That Dan Rather -- he's goofy, isn't he?" 1. "If I become an American citizen, can I change my name to 'Buddy'?"

Top Ten Ways To Make Communism Fun Again - November 16, 1989

10. Spell it with a K. 9. Have Castro do guest shot on Cosby. 8. Add mechanical shark attraction at Lenin's tomb. 7. Have Revlon introduce new "Khmer Rouge." 6. Give everybody red birthmark decals to wear on forehead. 5. Adopt "lovable loser" persona -- like the '61 Mets. 4. Get Skip Gorbachev to do a "Not Your Father's Oldsmobile" commercial. 3. Hire "The Chicken" to disrupt politburo meetings. 2. Have Deng Xiao Peng cry during Barbara Walters interview. 1. Less centralized economic planning; more rock.

Top Ten Highlights from Barbara Walters' Interview with the Reagans - November 17, 1989

10. Ron constantly referring to Walters as "Oprah." 9. After each response by Nancy, Ron shouting, "Good answer! Good answer!" 8. When Ron raised his hand midway through the interview and said, "I think I've had too much soda." 7. Nancy's on-air marriage proposal to Malcolm-Jamal Warner. 6. When Ron yelled at Walters, "Why don't we shave your head and see what color it grows back!" 5. Reagan announcing he's waiting for Hinckley to get out so he can kick his butt. 4. When Ron asked, "Whatever happened to George Bush?" 3. When Ron left because he thought he saw the Bat Signal. 2. When Nancy chugged a gag bottle of rubbing alcohol. 1. When Ron remembered something.

Top Ten Ways Merv Griffin Can Cut Back - November 21, 1989

10. No longer automatically say "yes" when kid at counter asks, "Fries with that?" 9. Up the price of a vowel. 8. More "coupon-good-for-one-hug" gifts for business associates. 7. Casino bookings: less Sinatra, more Sinatra, Jr. 6. Make long distance crank calls to Donald Trump after 11 p.m. 5. Eliminate Raymond Burr from Thanksgiving guest list. 4. Read the book or see the movie -- but not both. 3. Order pizza from Dominoes; wait 30 minutes before answering door. 2. Give Nike the go-ahead for "Air Griffins." 1. Incredibly tough Final Jeopardy question.

Top Ten Things We All Have To Be Thankful For - November 23, 1989

10. Andy Rooney is only on TV one minute a week. 9. We live in a country where we don't have to pay a lot for our mufflers. 8. Fabulous East German babes now in circulation. 7. Connecticut Highway Patrol still can't cross state lines. 6. Jockey underwear has no plans to replace Jim Palmer with Tip O'Neill. 5. Will be celebrating next 44 Thanksgiving without Jim Bakker. 4. Though not entirely legal, it is very easy to get away with taking a leak in a shopping mall parking lot. 3. The continued good health of President Bush. 2. Chess! 1. Talk show hosts who are so unselfish, they even work on Thanksgiving.

Top Ten Promotional Slogans for San Salvador Sheraton - November 24, 1989

10. Live through two nights and the third night's free. 9. As seen on TV's "Nightline"! 8. Touch the towels and we'll blow your damn head off. 7. A room with a coup. 6. No Leona Helmsely! 5. Still safer than the Sheraton in Times Square. 4. We put the hospital in hospitality. 3. Just acquired by Merv Griffin Enterprises. 2. We're San Salvador-able. 1. Insurgents stay free.

Top Ten Changes in the Czech Constitution - November 28, 1989

10. Shirt and shoes no longer necessary for service at 7-Eleven. 9. Parliament to be replaced by the O'Jays. 8. Meetings of the Hair Club for Men now held openly. 7. Country no longer responsible for dry cleaning left after 30 days. 6. In event of free elections, presidency may not be held by guy from "Hey Vern" commercials. 5. New national anthem to be "Rikki Don't Lose that Number." 4. Official government news service to be replaced by Larry King's column. 3. No law enacted without expressed written consent of Major League Baseball. 2. Nation to be divided into Corn Czechoslovakia and Rice Czechoslovakia. 1. Right to party membership now just right to party!

Top Ten Ways To Cheer Up Abu Nidal - November 30, 1989

10. Have his hijackings count toward frequent flyer mileage. 9. "Keep you chin up" letter from Charles Manson. 8. Blooper reel from the Ayatollah's funeral. 7. Novelty Uzi with flag that pops out and says "Bang!" 6. Tell him "Chicken Soup" was cancelled. 5. Give him Snoopy -- everybody's favorite cartoon beagle -- molded from plastic explosives. 4. Have Yassir Arafat let Nidal win at Crazy Eights. 3. Shorter fuses. 2. Let him make crank phone call to B'nai Brith telethon. 1. Tell him Hell just got cable.

Top Ten Amish Pick-up Lines - December 1, 1989

10. Are thee at barn-raisings often? 9. If our religion didn't forbid the use of telephones, I would ask thee for thy number. 8. Can I buy thee a buttermilk colada? 7. You've really got the build for that plain bonnet and shapeless black dress. 6. Say, my favorite movie is "Witness" too! 5. Are thee a model? 4. There are so many phonies at these quilting bees. Let's go someplace quiet. 3. They buggy has a bitchin' lacquer job. 2. I got Sinatra tickets. 1. Are thee up for some plowing?

Top Ten Signs Bush Is Still Tough on the Chinese - December 12, 1989

10. Refers to the Great Wall as "The OK Wall." 9. No NBA expansion team in China for three years. 8. Blocked their satellite feed of Leonard/Duran fight. 7. Has called for "No MSG" amendment to Constitution. 6. Had all Bruce Lee posters removed from Oval Office. 5. Has threatened to open branches of American savings and loans in China. 4. No White House puppies for Deng Xiaoping. 3. May name Quayle ambassador. 2. No Bat-Signal for Beijing police commissioner. 1. Has warned: "I can send back Dan Rather."

Top Ten Good Things About Leona Helmsley - December 13, 1989

10. Doesn't overburden IRS with large unwieldy tax payments. 9. Knows the first name of the hundreds of employees she's arbitrarily fired. 8. Has remained married for years to same man she stole a fortune from. 7. She wept when the Ayatollah passed away. 6. Probably gives out better gifts than Brandon Tartikoff. 5. Once slapped an employee so hard it improved his vision. 4. At least there's no damn Leona perfume. 3. Has delighted millions with hit TV series like "The Jeffersons" and "Amen."* 2. Provides inspiring role model for young tax cheats. 1. She just happens to be the woman I love. * Not Leona Helmsley, but Sherman Helmsley

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Moscow McDonald's - December 14, 1989

10. You want turnips with that? 9. I'm spending three week's salary for this Happy Meal. 8. The food was better in the Gulag. 7. In 9 or 10 years when you do get a car you'll really appreciate the drive- thru window. 6. Excuse me comrade -- my cold side is cold, but so is my hot side! 5. This sure beats driving a New York City cab. 4. Volkov, KGB -- what's in the secret sauce? 3. I'm sorry Mrs. Gorbachev, we're not hiring. 2. There goes our Olympic hopes. 1. This sucks. Let's go to White Castle.

Blitzen's Top Ten Pet Peeves - December 15, 1989

10. When airliners jettison their chemical toilets right in front of you. 9. Elves who are a little too enthusiastic about putting on our harnesses. 8. Dancer and Prancer always playing their Judy Garland records. 7. Santa not letting us off for Jewish holidays. 6. Reindeer games tainted by steroids. 5. When Santa stretches out the reindeer feed with sawdust. 4. The way Rudolph won't let us forget he makes twice as much as the rest of us. 3. Two words: Soviet airspace. 2. Swanson's Reindeer Pot Pie. 1. When Santa hangs around the stable with his shirt off.

Top Ten Donahue Holiday Topics - December 20, 1989

10. Women elves love; women elves leave. 9. Department store Santas who hang out in the lingerie section. 8. Gingerbread men who become gingerbread women. 7. Santa's connection to the Gambino family. 6. The naughty list: Is it McCarthyism? 5. Real-life Jack Frosts: Guys who nip at your nose. 4. People who like fruitcake. 3. Safe sex using Christmas stockings. 2. Prancer and Dancer: Should they adopt? 1. People who rub up against you in the gift wrap line.

Top Ten Other Mistakes on the Quayle Christmas Card - December 21, 1989

10. It's Saint Nicholas -- not Jack Nicklaus. 9. Forgot apostrophe on "Bitchin'." 8. Burger King gift certificate past expiration date. 7. Couldn't keep Jesse Jackson from walking into photo. 6. Christ child pictured wearing fake Rolex. 5. Picture of Vice President nothing more than his head on Ann-Margret's body. 4. Manger home to sheep and goats -- not San Diego Chicken. 3. Bad idea to enclose unwrapped slice of ham with each card. 2. Third wise man shown giving Jesus National Guard deferment. 1. It's spelled D-A-N.

Top Ten Ways Dogs Celebrate Christmas - December 22, 1989

10. Decorate tree with slobber-soaked tennis balls. 9. Remember to tip the guy who does your flea-dipping. 8. Leave Santa a glass of milk and a mutilated squirrel. 7. Gingerbread-flavored worm pills. 6. Pray for peace on Earth and a slightly larger hole in the fence to the collie's yard. 5. Get the puppies little toy Chuck Wagons they can chase around. 4. Show off White House Christmas card from Millie. 3. Lay down by the fire with a nice brandy and lick themselves. 2. Attend candlelight vigil to remember our neutered brothers. 1. Drink eggnog out of the toilet bowl.

Top Ten Ways Noriega Is Keeping Busy - December 27, 1989

10. Bare-knuckle boxing with Papal Nuncio. 9. Testing Dominos Pizza 30-minute rule. 8. Working on paint-by-number portrait of Hitler. 7. Two words: TV golf. 6. Has already sold consulate staff $1,200 worth of Amway products. 5. Loafing on the couch, reading Elle magazine, and eating instant coffee crystals straight from the jar. 4. Watching blooper reel from Ayatollah's funeral. 3. Talking to Dole Pineapple Company about possible endorsement deal. 2. Conference calls with Imelda, Leona, and Adnan. 1. Voodoo, pornography, and Nintendo.

Top Ten Ways 1989 Could Have Been Worse - December 28, 1989

10. The Exxon Valdez could have been loaded with Cher perfume. 9. Dom DeLuise as Batman. 8. Penthouse. Leona. 'Nuff said. 7. A Gabor brother. 6. Entrepreneurs could've been selling souvenir chunks of Irving Berlin. 5. Ernest might not have saved Christmas. 4. My slap-fight with Barbra Streisand could have occurred on the air. 3. Bush could've picked a really, really, really, really dumb guy to be Vice President. 2. McOysters. 1. If Jim Bakker had made it to the Vatican Embassy.

Manuel Noriega's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions - December 29, 1989

10. No more declaring war on really big countries. 9. Call that guy I know from Jacoby & Meyers. 8. Find out if Revlon makes a spackle. 7. Send Hallmark's most expensive friendship card to President Bush. 6. Get New York City taxi license. 5. Find a travel agent who can work a little faster. 4. Get in touch with my last friend in the world -- Nicolae Ceausescu. 3. When all this is over, send Pope a thank-you kilo. 2. Don't trust anybody talking about a "kinder, gentler nation." 1. Make reservations for Hell.