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Top 10 Reasons We Stopped Doing the Top 10 List for A While - February 20, 1992

10. Kids spilled Pepsi in Top 10 machine. 9. Too busy working on slogan, "Pork: The Other White Meat". 8. Got tired of people calling me "Top 10 Boy". 7. Torn rotator cuff. 6. Lazy American writers too hungover to work. 5. Had crazy idea people would enjoy more banter with Paul. 4. Drunken vagrant we bought them from disappeared in the marsh. 3. El Nino. 2. Too buys spending time with my new number one lady -- Gennifer Flowers. 1. With the lists, the show was just too funny.

Top 10 Ways Bush Can Bring Up His Approval Rating - February 21, 1992

10. Dump Barbara; marry Alberto Tomba. 9. Put entire national debt on his Mastercard. 8. Consistently refer to Democratic frontrunner as "Stongas." 7. Revive Reagan's sure-fire "free cheese" promotion. 6. Give Saddam Hussein an ultimatum; then kick his butt again. 5. Deliver next televised speech from captain's chair of the Starship Enterprise. 4. Get it on with a happenin' lady. 3. Read my lips: fire Quayle's ass. 2. Free plastic whistles! 1. Go back to Japan and boot on Miyazawa again.

Top 10 Rejected Pepsi Slogans - February 25, 1992

10. Sodium benzoate -- always had it, always will! 9. When R.C. Cola's just not good enough! 8. Guaranteed to attract yellowjackets. 7. The mild corrosive you can drink! 6. Suck me through a straw! 5. Gives you that phlegmy feeling in the back of your throat. 4. Pork: the other white meat. 3. The new official soft drink of Clarence Thomas. 2. Enough caffeine to make Buddy Ebsen mambo. 1. It's fizzy and brown!

Top 10 Signs You've Hired a Bad Campaign Manager - February 26, 1992

10. His first day on the job he begins drafting your concession speech. 9. Show's up at rallies wearing "I'm with stupid" T-shirt. 8. Encourages crowds to give you a "Heil Hitler" salute. 7. He has a spy infiltrate Jerry Brown's headquarters. 6. Only photo opportunity he arranges is you in a hot tub with hookers. 5. Campaign song is "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald." 4. Under "past employment" on his resume you see the word "Dukakis." 3. He signs that "Hey Vern" guy to do your commercials. 2. You find yourself doing a lot of campaigning in Canada. 1. Recommends pretty-boy senator from Indiana as running mate.

Top 10 Things Overheard at Liz Taylor's 60th Birthday Party at Disneyland - February 27, 1992

10. "Oh... birthday! I thought it was her 60th marriage." 9. "Thank you Larry darling for the lovely card and the $5 bill." 8. "Actually, Miss Taylor, we had planned to slice the cake and give some to the other guests." 7. "A coupon for the Betty Ford Clinic! Thank you!" 6. "Is this the line to Space Mountain -- or the line to Marry Liz?" 5. "You're the birthday girl! Of course you can have another side of beef!" 4. "How many of the dwarves are ex-husbands?" 3. "Fortensky! They need more ice water at table six!" 2. "It's the thawed-out body of Walt Disney! Run for your lives!" 1. "You were married to Liz? Hey -- me too!"

Top 10 Signs the Company You Work for Is Going Under - February 28, 1992

10. They start paying everyone in sea shells. 9. The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile takeover. 8. When you say, "See you tomorrow," the watchman laughs uncontrollably. 7. The chairman walks by your desk and says, "Hey, Hey! Easy on the staples!" 6. The initials of your company are "G.M." 5. Conference room has been turned into chinchilla farm. 4. Tartikoff quits. 3. Conversations at the water cooler are mainly with yourself. 2. Your boss casually asks you if you know anything about starting fires. 1. You get a lot of memos in Japanese.

Top 10 Responsibilities of New U.N. Members - March 3, 1992

10. Collect money for headset rental. 9. Form bottom row of human pyramid in U.N. group photo. 8. Make list of which countries were talking while Secretary General was out of room. 7. Senior members can send them looking for "left-handed nuclear warhead." 6. Act as liaison between foreign dignitaries and local hookers. 5. Attempt to stop the constant bickering between Siskel and Ebert. 4. Learn to say "Benelux countries" without giggling. 3. Get New York City cab driver's license. 2. Must swear that from now on they will walk, talk, eat, and sleep U.N.! 1. Refill the ketchups.

Top 10 Highlights of the "Happy Days" Reunion Show - March 4, 1992

10. When a sadly aged Fonzie started to say "Aye!" but was interrupted by a wet hacking cough. 9. When Pat Morita called rest of cast "lazy American loafers." 8. Clip of Mike Wallace character that inspired popular spin-off show "60 Minutes." 7. It turns out Henry Winkler the actor and Fonzie the character are two very different people. 6. Paul Shaffer's first TV appearance as Mork's Canadian sidekick. 5. When he ascended too rapidly from a deep sea dive and "The Fonz" got "the bends." 4. Once again hearing Archie call Mike a meathead. 3. When Tom Bosley "sat on it." 2. During closing credits watching Ron Howard loan everybody else cab fare home. 1. When Squeegee gave Doogie a Hey-Hey-Hey.... OK! I admit it! I never saw the damn show!

Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Infertility Doctor - March 5, 1992

10. First question on form you fill out is, "You're not a cop, are you?" 9. Your itemized bill includes the cost of a stack of Playboys. 8. Diploma is made from cut-up newspaper headlines. 7. His assistant sells you an expensive "fertility muffin." 6. Keeps using the work "thingy." 5. Also in the waiting room: Mike Wallace, a camera crew, and several police officers. 4. He asks if you want regular or extra crispy. 3. You recognize him as the guy who works the ferris wheel. 2. Puts rubber clove on his head like Howie Mandel. 1. Sign out front reads: "Buses Welcome."

Top 10 Ways NBC Is Rebuilding - March 6, 1992

10. A Thighmaster mini-series 9. Jazzing up old shows by adding "90210" to titles 8. Will replace costly "L.A. Law" with hour-long "Hooked on Phonics" infomercial 7. More swear words 6. Superhunk Tom Brokaw to deliver news in tank top 5. "Gorgeous Ladies of Bowling" 4. New symbol that looks like the CBS logo to confuse some viewers 3. "Sixty-one Minutes" 2. "Pantsless Jeopardy" 1. Three words: bringing back ALF

Top 10 Reasons Ted Kennedy Will Make a Good Husband -- March 17 1992

10. Youngsters love to be awakened in middle of night for Jello shots. 9. When wife feels sad and lonely he can always give her a million bucks. 8. Can stop an electric car window with his head. 7. Children won't have to worry about meeting impossibly high standards of conduct set by parents. 6. Could build guest house with empty Chivas bottles. 5. In-law Schwarzenegger ready to help move old refrigerator down to basement. 4. Won't spend a lot of time away from home campaigning for presidency. 3. Willing to take the time to help college-age kids cheat on their exams. 2. Won't forget anniversary or any other occasion that requires a toast. 1. Has phone numbers of hundreds of babysitters.

Top 10 Reasons the Royal Marriage Has Failed -- March 18, 1992

10. Couldn't agree on setting for Craftmatic Adjustable Bed. 9. His super-strict rule of no talking during Benny Hill. 8. He got tired of her always asking, "So are you king yet or what?" 7. Financial strain from drop in sales of their Royal Crown Cola. 6. She thought she was marrying the guy who sang "Raspberry Beret." 5. Andrew got hooked on phonics. 4. London Bridge kept falling down, if you know what I mean. 3. Why do royal marriages fail? Read "Dianetics," page 216. 2. Got sick of listening to those phony British accents. 1. Fergie won Lotto.

Top 10 Other Rule Changes in the NFL -- March 19, 1992

10. If spectator makes a tackle, it counts. 9. Home team faces 15-yard penalty for "bad half-time show." 8. Televised games to be enhanced with cartoon special effects. 7. Goalposts will be crawling with clever monkeys who will try to swat ball away. 6. Extra point will be replaced by trivia question. 5. At hotel, visiting team may not run around the pool, must walk like gentlemen. 4. Position of outside linebackers to be replaced by two "Mambo Kings." 3. Owners' wives now officially considered "up for grabs." 2. Football replaced with scrappy live possum. 1. No unnecessary squatting.

Top 10 Other Shocking Revelations about Bill Clinton -- March 20, 1992

10. Stormy 10-day marriage to Cher in 1975. 9. Invented the "chipwich." 8. Was originally Billie Jane Clinton. 7. For years, worked with paper bag on head as "The Unknown Comic." 6. While governor of Arkansas, changed state motto to "Bite Me." 5. Despite intensive coaching by handlers, still refers to swimming pool as "ce-ment pond." 4. Real last name: Tclinton. 3. In high school, voted Most Likely To Win Democratic Nomination & Then Go on To Lose Election in Crushing Defeat. 2. Wept at Police Academy 4. 1. Uses steroids on his hair.

Top 10 Signs You're Out of Shape -- March 24, 1992

10. When brushing teeth you have to rest between "up" and "down". 9. Doctor's first words: "Open your mouth and say moo." 8. When you stop exercising parts of you continue to move. 7. Local restaurants try to coordinate their vacations with yours. 6. You think "bet you can't eat just one" is a good slogan for canned ham. 5. You can often be heard yelling, "Hey! Who turned up the gravity?" 4. Instead of whistling construction workers act busy when you walk by. 3. You're using three sets of Deal-a-Meal cards at once. 2. Packs of dogs attracted by your high-pitched wheeze. 1. You can't fit in the biosphere.

Top 10 Reasons Jerry Brown Won in Connecticut -- March 25, 1992

10. He was the 100th caller. 9. Many citizens thought they were voting for James Brown. 8. Heavy Klingon turnout. 7. What he lacks in crazy ideas he makes up for in erratic personality. 6. Promised to do something about salad dressing fumes coming from Paul Newman's house. 5. Growing sentiment that western world should be led by a guy in a turtleneck. 4. People loved the free tours he gave of my house. 3. Voters lost confidence in Clinton Sunday night when his hair burned down. 2. Sunspots. 1. Linda Ronstadt... Gennifer Flowers. 'Nuff said.

Top 10 Things Overheard at the President's Physical -- March 26 , 1992

10. That's cute. Smurf underpants. 9. Any headaches? Fever? Vomiting on foreign leaders? 8. You still have a slight trace of the wimp factor. 7. You've turned your head and coughed plenty! Let's move on. 6. Mr. Quayle, you don't have to undress. 5. Hey look! A Roseanne Barr tattoo! 4. Do we have to do this on C-Span? 3. That's what I call "The Executive Branch." 2. Just a few more snapshots and you can put your clothes back on. 1. Thanks for the check-up, Doogie!

Top 10 Questions Asked by the Cosmonaut -- March 27, 1992

10. "Did Kiefer and Julia have a baby yet?" 9. "Where can I redeem all these empty Bud cans?" 8. "Can I please have sex with you immediately?" 7. "What do you mean -- the McRib is back?" 6. "What were all those flashing lights around the Kennedy compound?" 5. "So when is Holyfield fighting Tyson?" 4. "How's my Pan Am stock doing?" 3. "The Grateful Dead are still making albums?!" 2. "Will this get me on the Sajak show?" 1. "Anybody got a mint?"

Top 10 H. Ross Perot Campaign Slogans -- March 31, 1992

10. Enjoy the thrill of voting for someone you know nothing about. 9. Elect me and I'll reveal my first name. 8. I've made more money than Wayne's World. 7. Recent winner of his office Oscar pool. 6. I did inhale. 5. Do you know what a billion dollars in cash feels like against your naked body? 4. I'm too short and unattractive to have a mistress. 3. Not "Russ"... it's "Ross"! 2. I'm insane and I'm ready to be president! 1. The H stands for good government!

Top 10 Duties of Belgian Astronaut -- April 1, 1992

10. Makes the Tang. 9. Collect the movie headsets. 8. Present the Belgian Oscar. 7. Go out on tether and give Hubble telescope a whack. 6. Be the Wookie when they play "Star Wars." 5. Laugh it off when guys call him "endive-eating Eurotrash." 4. Make sure the neon Pepsi sign is switched on over Western Hemisphere. 3. Pretend to drive with colorful toy steering wheel. 2. Same things Quayle does in Washington. 1. Make the waffles.

Top 10 Interesting Facts about the 38-Acre Fungus -- April 9, 1992

10. Came out of hiding to appear as character witness in Gotti trial. 9. Bill Clinton once tried smoking some of it. 8. Has vanity plate: "FUNGUS-1". 7. Some polls show it's running neck-and-neck with Jerry Brown. 6. Elvis once had staff try to bulldoze it onto 40-acre pizza. 5. Section of it used to make William Shatner's hairpiece. 4. Might be an old YMCA they forgot to disinfect. 3. Smarter than Quayle. 2. Nickname: "Debbie". 1. Tastes a little like chicken.

Top 10 Signs the Recession Is Ending -- April 3, 1992

10. All of a sudden, people do want fries with that. 9. Liz Taylor planning even more lavish wedding in '93. 8. "Wheel of Fortune" contestants spending more for vowels. 7. Pillsbury Doughboy wearing expensive Armani suit. 6. Wilt Chamberlain offering free continental breakfast for overnight guests. 5. Next December, one lucky G.E. employee will get a Christmas bonus. 4. People now buying, not just renting, suicide machine. 3. Regis once again handing out $20 bills on the street. (When you see him, ask for yours!!) 2. Congressmen bouncing larger and larger checks. 1. Less sawdust in the Big Mac.

Top 10 Signs Your Team Has No Chance of Winning the Pennant -- April 7, 1992

10. When players are called up from the farm team, they refuse to come. 9. Third base coach has sign for "stop shaking." 8. Shirtless drunken fan who jumped onto field now playing shortstop. 7. Commissioner suggests you try using illegal drugs. 6. Morgana the Kissing Bandit just shakes hands. 5. Marv Albert always hanging around with a video camera. 4. There's talk of just giving the franchise to the Japanese. 3. Players heckle themselves. 2. Several players out at once with sympathetic groin pulls. 1. Your team's name rhymes with "schmindians."

Yassir Arafat's Top 10 Close Calls -- April 8, 1992

10. Towel on head once caught in Cuisinart. 9. Reaching to shut off alarm, pulled pin on bedside grenade. 8. Attacked by dog that mistook his beard for a squirrel. 7. Bear hug from Khadafy that just got out of control. 6. The night Joan van Ark almost missed catching him during trapeze act for "Circus of the Stars." 5. Hair caught on fire while making Pepsi commercial. 4. Food poisoning at the Denny's in Damascus. 3. Saw Ernest Saves Christmas -- and almost died laughing. 2. Time he fell down that well in Texas and entire nation rallied around "Baby Yassir." 1. Three words: rabid camel bite.

Hillary Clinton's Top 10 Pet Peeves -- April 9, 1992

10. Trying out an expensive new perfume -- and your husband refuses to inhale. 9. The fact that she's only allowed to contribute $100 to that hunky Jerry Brown. 8. People who ask if you've changed your hair color since they saw you and Bill making out at the drive-in. 7. Inability to agree on right Elvis stamp putting strain on marriage. 6. When Bill wears his "Governor of Arkansas" crown out in public. 5. Howie Mandel. 4. When they lock up the guy who got your husband all that great Panamanian pot. 3. When Bill calls at the last minute to tell you he's bringing a date home for dinner. 2. When your husband tries to avoid being drafted -- to take out the trash! 1. People who spell Jennifer with a "G".

Top 10 Attractions at the New Euro-Disney -- April 10, 1992

10. Chain-Smoking, Unshowered Mickey 9. The Runny Cheese Log Flume 8. Huey, Louie, and Dewey Menage a Trois 7. Snow White and the Seven Collaborators 6. Minnie's Magic Bidet 5. French version of Jiminy Cricket who bites American kids. 4. The Preserved Body of Walt Disney Inside a Flaky Pastry Crust 3. Neo-Nazis of the Caribbean 2. Donald Duck a L'Orange 1. Beauty and the Beast French Kissing

Top 10 Ways the Legal System Would Be Different If Juries Were Made Up of 12 Bears -- April 21, 1992

10. Bringing live salmon into courtroom would be considered jury tampering. 9. Waste basket in jury room would be constantly tipped over. 8. To prove insanity, defendant must turn down piece of grub-infested bark. 7. Plain and simple: use a tranquilizer gun; go to jail. 6. John Gotti could fix trial by putting guy in bear suit on jury. 5. When put up in a hotel room, jury would have trouble dialing out. 4. For reasons too complicated to explain, Leona Helmsley would be a free woman. 3. Little girls who break and enter, then steal porridge would be more likely to get the chair. 2. If sequestered too long, jury would tend to hibernate. 1. Punishment for every crime: foot in bear trap.

Top 10 Other Ways the Airlines Are Attracting Passengers -- April 22, 1992

10. New "cockpit fare" gives you chance to test your skills at the controls. 9. Bring a gallon of jet fuel -- get a free upgrade! 8. Turbo-roasted peanuts. 7. All flight crews now include at least one "Star Trek" cast member. 6. Strip searches on demand. 5. Seat backs and tray tables? Leave 'em any way you want! 4. Bat day. 3. For a buck, you can cling to the landing gear. 2. One window left open so you can drop stuff. 1. Topless baggage handlers.

Top 10 Signs You've Gone To a Bad Church -- April 23, 1992

10. Name of the church includes a muppet or professional wrestler. 9. Service involves a lot of squatting. 8. Minister always preaching about the glory of Amway products. 7. Priest not only defrocked but depantsed. 6. Guy from "America's Funniest Home Videos" is hanging around the confessional. 5. Photographer wanders around trying to sell people $5 Polaroid of themselves praying. 4. So-called "faith healer" is just Doug Henning in a dress. 3. Priest closes sermon with, "You guys have been great! Enjoy Frankie Valli." 2. Pews have magic fingers. 1. Only song organist knows is theme from "Bonanza".

Top 10 Rejected Forms of Capital Punishment -- April 24, 1992

10. Lethal injection of Paul Newman's salad dressing. 9. Chamber full of hyperactive knife-wielding monkeys. 8. Getting flattened by monster truck in front of huge pay-per-view audience. 7. Forced marriage to Jerry Lee Lewis. 6. Replacing the fine coffee the prisoner ordinarily drinks with cyanide. 5. Showing you reruns of "Perfect Strangers" -- until you die laughing! 4. Weekend in New York City. 3. Being made to read unfunny list in front of 200 angry audience members. 2. Cajun-style pan-frying. 1. Electric car window guillotine.

Top 10 Signs New York City Is Not a Failure -- April 28, 1992

10. A decent cup of coffee -- and change back from your $20. 9. Lowest contract arson rates around. 8. Stolen bicycle statistics reflect large number of health-conscious criminals. 7. That sticky stuff on the sidewalk tastes a lot like root beer. 6. Helps other cities by attracting their creeps and losers like a magnet. 5. In event of foreign invasion, school kids can handle firearms. 4. New climate dome keeps city at perfect 72 degrees year round. 3. Six -- count 'em six! -- English-speaking cab drivers! 2. A warning to sinners of what hell will be like. 1. Can get prescriptions filled on subway.

Top 10 Things Overheard at the President's Fundraiser -- April 29, 1992

10. "If you want sour cream on the potato, it's an extra five grand." 9. "Billy Dee Williams is right! Colt 45 sets the mood!" 8. "I'm sorry, Congressman -- no checks." 7. "Buchanan! More ice water at table six!" 6. "Look out! The President's eating sushi!" 5. "Hi, I'm Clarence Thomas -- and this is my gavel." 4. "Come on, Mrs. Bush! Crush another can on your head!" 3. "What time do the hookers get here?" 2. "You're incredibly wealthy too? What a coincidence!" 1. "Folgers Crystals?!"

Top 10 Rejected Plots for the Final Episode of "The Cosby Show" - April 30, 1992

10. Cosby urges all the kids to drop out of school and become professional wrestlers. 9. After prosecuting Gotti, Clair gets whacked. 8. It turns out Dr. Huxtable has fathered over 100 children at his fertility clinic. 7. Whole group settles down to view a tape of Ghost Dad. 6. Family learns that Cliff's colorful sweaters have given them radiation poisoning. 5. Rudy gets in trouble when she tells her father, "Jell-O sucks!" 4. Clair finds out about Cliff's second loving wife and family upstate. 3. Alien creature explodes from Theo's stomach and eats everyone. 2. Family watches hilarious double episode of "The Simpsons." 1. Thanks to the Skipper, they're finally rescued!

Top 10 Reasons Broadway Is Enjoying Its Best Season Ever -- May 1, 1992

10. Orchestra pits filled with free shrimp. 9. Costume changes now take place in aisle. 8. Easy walk to Times Square to grab a post-theatre hooker. 7. Many dentists now suggest show tunes help prevent gum disease. 6. Wilt Chamberlain: The Musical. 5. Movies like Brenda Starr. 4. Revival of "Guys & Dolls" features singing and dancing of Mr. John Gotti! 3. Audience now allowed to eat stuff they find on floor. 2. Lazy American actors replaced by hard-working Japanese actors. 1. Naked ushers.

Top 10 Horrifying Secrets About H. Ross Perot -- May 5, 1992

10. Has "Love" tattooed on one hand, "Hate" on the other. 9. Wants to be president to impress the babes. 8. Invented "the wave." 7. Was married to Liz Taylor -- twice. 6. Had steamy affair with Bill Clinton. 5. Believes Regis and Kathie Lee are talking directly to him. 4. Favorite song: "Baby I'm a Want You." 3. Something sinister about his "advisor" Professor Diablo. 2. The "H" stands for Helen. 1. Was the cowboy in the Village People.

Top 10 Things Mike Tyson Does To Pass the Time in Solitary Confinement - May 6, 1992

10. Tons -- and I mean tons -- of shadow boxing. 9. Earns extra cash writing term papers for local college kids. 8. Plans "discussion" with Don King about missing money. 7. Mastering the pan flute. 6. Uses Thighmaster to strengthen his jaw. 5. Professor Tyson's Performing Cockroach Circus. 4. Lies on floor and spins in circle like Curly. 3. Works on toothpick model of really big toothpick. 2. Plans escape route to Bangkok in time for Friday's Miss Universe Pageant. 1. Chill.

Top 10 Highlights of Maria Shriver's Interview with Raisa Gorbachev - May 7, 1992

10. When Maria screamed, "Why can't you talk English?" 9. Funny home video of Gorby tripping over hose and falling in pool. 8. When Maria offered her some Armorall spot remover. 7. Ted Danson walk-on to praise Raisa's hair care products. 6. When Mikhail's answer matched Raisa's about one making love on a beach. 5. Raisa crossed her legs like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. 4. Announcement that Raisa would be new "Golden Girl." 3. Tearful confession of 10-year affair with Yakov Smirnoff -- by both of them. 2. During live Alpo commercial when dog took a leak. 1. Raisa revealing location of Mikhail's other birthmark.

Top 10 Rejected Plots for the Final "Golden Girls" -- May 8, 1992

10. Doctor Kevorkian drops by for a visit. 9. Bea Arthur tests positive for steroids. 8. They all develop hysterical pregnancies. 7. Rue McClanahan finally breaks up with Bill Clinton. 6. A mistake at the pharmacy gets the girls hooked on crack. 5. Everybody sits around discussing the last "Cosby Show." 4. In a grisly mix-up, the girls get too much fiber. 3. That lovable mutt Beethoven moves in -- and steals the show! 2. During a hot flash, Betty White kills a guy. 1. Doogie loses his virginity.

Top 10 Highlights of Our Upcoming Season Finale -- May 12, 1992

10. I get bit by a stupid pet trick: hover hear death for rest of hour. 9. Audience votes for a second date for Fergie and me. 8. Our drummer Anton Fig falls down a well; nation rallies around rescue attempts. 7. "Gary" character dies. 6. Paul gets pregnant. 5. Guy who bounces soccer ball on head found brutally murdered. 4. Marv Albert brings on reel of hilarious Mike Tyson prison bloopers. 3. We find out what happens when Paul drinks a pint of phosphorus. 2. Japanese network buys NBC -- for parts! 1. Gas leak kills audience.

Top 10 Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of an L. A. Gang -- May 13, 1992

10. You suggest looting Tile World. 9. Not signaling a lane change during a drive-by shooting. 8. Going on and on about how great the new Carly Simon album is. 7. Bleeding all over the sheepskin seat covers. 6. Getting gang out of selling drugs and into selling Amway products. 5. Getting every answer wrong during Family Feud's "Gang Week." 4. Two words: penny loafers. 3. Shouting: "Hey! This looks like stolen merchandise! I'm calling the police!" 2. Dissing Rose Kennedy. 1. Letting your grades slip.

Dan Quayle's Top 10 Complaints about Japan -- May 14, 1992

10. Long skinny breadsticks taste like wood. 9. Too much emphasis on learning and smartness. 8. Why can't they use American money like other 49 states? 7. Couldn't figure out squiggly lines on side of cereal box. 6. Weird looks when you order sushi "medium rare." 5. Tricky Japanese doorknobs no easier than American ones. 4. Unable to find their so-called "Great Wall." 3. Their word for "vice-president" sounds suspiciously like "Yankee bonehead." 2. Too close to Vietnam. 1. Everybody speaks French or something.

Top 10 Ways Our Lives Will Be Better Now That They've Fixed That Satellite - May 15, 1992

10. Can get P.A. announcements from foreign bus stations. 9. Fewer unpopped kernels of microwave popcorn. 8. Don King's hair no longer sticking up. 7. Sky now filled with faint sound of calliope music. 6. Finally -- round-the-clock surveillance of the Kennedys. 5. New commemorative flavor of Tang in the works. 4. Contact re-established between Shirley MacLaine and mother ship. 3. NASA employees no longer have to lie about where they work. 2. Ringing sound in my ears now a little quieter. 1. Free HBO for everybody!

Top 10 Good Things About Having a Billionaire for President -- May 19, 1992

10. Could put national debt on his Visa card. 9. Congratulatory phone call to Superbowl winners no longer collect. 8. Could pay for a Pentagon hammer out of own pocket. 7. No wasting time in Kennebunkport -- can afford to just buy fish. 6. No problem giving the Vice-President $100 to spend day at water park. 5. On your 18th birthday, federal government sends over a hooker. 4. Wouldn't have to force his dog to write best-selling book. 3. Might spring for adorable little matching outfits for everyone in the country. 2. No more headset rental charge on Air Force One. 1. After winning election could take whole nation to Disney World.

Dan Quayle's Top 10 Other Complaints about TV -- May 20, 1992

10. Practically have to be a brain surgeon to figure out how to turn it on and off. 9. They never did tell us "Who's the Boss." 8. Even though you're screaming the answer, Pat and Vanna just ignore you. 7. Too much joking around on "Cheers." 6. "China Beach" failed to show Vietnam War contributions of Indiana National Guard. 5. Never get to see Doogie in his underpants. 4. Too much liberal news coverage; too little golf and cartoons. 3. Enough with the "dumb ads"! 2. Driving chuckwagon through kitchen cabinets looks a hell of a lot easier on TV. 1. Not enough positive portrayals of really dumb guys.

Top 10 Things Dan Quayle Does Like About TV -- May 21, 1992

10. Bright flickering colors make him feel all happy and safe. 9. The way the Pillsbury Doughboy giggles when you poke his stomach. 8. "Matlock" proves our judicial system is working. 7. Adjusting the tint knob so everybody looks like Martians. 6. Keeps him up to date on current White House activities. 5. Letterman show provides positive role model for Indiana dimwits. 4. Rubbing up against screen whenever Kirstie Alley comes on. 3. Impressed by appearances of H. Ross Perot; thinking of voting for him. 2. The always enjoyable test of Emergency Broadcast System. 1. When it's "Dumb Guy Week" on "Wheel of Fortune."

Top 10 Things Carson Had To Do Before His Last Show -- May 22, 1992

10. Write recommendation letter for Ed McMahon. 9. Send thank-you note to Dan Quayle. 8. Load up trunk with office supplies to sell at flea markets. 7. Final attempt at finishing cup of commissary chowder. 6. Nail Matinee Lady one last time. 5. Vacuum out Doc and return him to Hertz. 4. Cut off slauson. 3. Fax rejected jokes to Letterman. 2. Return invisible golf club. 1. Unwrap retirement gift from G.E.; screw it into nearest lamp.

President Bush's Top 10 Environmental Proposals -- June 2, 1992

10. Honor endangered species with series of styrofoam cups from Burger King. 9. White House porch light powered by Barbara on a treadmill. 8. Add spots to regular owls and presto! More spotted owls! 7. Put Hair Club president Sy Sperling in charge of fixing ozone hole. 6. Bottle acid rain; hire those "Uh-Huh" girls to help sell it. 5. Will try to re-use slightly scuffed golf balls. 4. Special filters that convert auto exhaust to delicious cotton candy. 3. No more taking leaks off boat in Kennebunkport harbor. 2. Take away Marilyn Quayle's hair spray. 1. Thighmaster-powered cars.

Top 10 Complaints of the Pregnant Man -- June 3, 1992

10. Giggling gynecologists. 9. Guys at the garage won't throw him a baby shower. 8. Must be own Lamaze partner. 7. Lack of positive portrayals of pregnant men on TV. 6. Kicking baby sometimes knocks beer over. 5. Gillette backing out of endorsement deal. 4. Bloating, bloating, bloating. 3. Didn't get offer to appear nude on cover of Vanity Fair. 2. He wore a condom. 1. Doesn't know who the mother is.

Top 10 Restrictions on the New Super-Saver Airfares -- June 4, 1992

10. May have to bring enough soda for everybody. 9. On flights less than 500 miles, airline reserves right to take the interstate. 8. In-flight movie may be Stop or My Mom Will Shoot. 7. Must make all connections in mid-air. 6. Carry-on items must fit securely inside your pants. 5. When plane lands, you must remain on board for return flight. 4. Passenger must be able to open package of airline peanuts in under one minute. 3. Might have to share seat with Jerry Brown. 2. People on aisle may be asked to massage the captain. 1. You may be used as a flotation device.

Top 10 Signs You've Sent Your Kid to a Bad Summer Camp -- June 5, 1992

10. When you meet camp owner, he keeps asking, "How do I know you're not a cop?" 9. Picture of Mickey Rooney appears somewhere in logo. 8. They award prizes for best rash. 7. Your daughter starts using a lot of prison slang. 6. You get 10-page letter from son detailing his love for the Rev. Moon. 5. Child says on phone he saw counselors rough up a crew from "60 Minutes." 4. Son comes home with poorly stitched incision where his kidney used to be. 3. You spot your kid in bad part of town paving driveways. 2. Youngsters take turns being camp doctor. 1. Mess hall has a cash bar.

Top 10 Changes in the Seattle Mariners Now That They're Owned by the Japanese - June 10, 1992

10. Players must remove cleats before entering dugout. 9. Old infield chatter replaced by haiku. 8. Catchers' masks also play CDs. 7. Seventh inning stretch banned for promoting laziness. 6. Players must politely bow before scratching themselves. 5. Folded paper swan night. 4. No rebroadcast of game without express written consent of the Emperor. 3. Free Super Mario cartridge each time a player passes a drug test. 2. Every night is camera night. 1. Two words: Ballpark sushi.

Top 10 Upcoming Bill Clinton TV Appearances -- June 11, 1992

10. Donahue show on topic of "puffy guys with big hair." 9. Towel boy for Holyfield/Holmes fight. 8. Guest spot as adulterer on "L. A. Law". 7. Voice of cartoon pelican on Nickelodeon. 6. The Friars roast Gennifer Flowers (emcee). 5. Shirtless cameo as Red-Hot-Chili-Pepper-for-a-day. 4. Guy standing behind local newsman at scene of warehouse fire waving like a jerk. 3. In San Diego Chicken outfit; Padres vs. Astros, Aug. 17th. 2. Calling Ross Perot on "Larry King Live" and asking about Howard Stern. 1. Candidates week on "Wheel of Fortune."

Top 10 Game Shows in Hell -- June 12, 1992

10. Hot Coal Tongue Races 9. Scar Search 8. Dislodge that Fish-Hook! 7. Consequences or Consequences 6. Gouging Out Your Own Eyes with a Jagged Rock for Dollars 5. Razor-sharp Wheel of Fortune 4. How Long Can You Tread Lava? 3. Studs 2. Win a Week in Purgatory 1. Stitch Pullers with John Davidson

Top 10 Items on the Bush/Yeltsin Summit Agenda -- June 16, 1992

10. Sign arms pact limiting number of Super Soaker squirt guns. 9. Discuss possibility of Moscow getting 90210 ZIP code. 8. Work out joint custody of Yakov Smirnoff. 7. Tour of the Vice-President's tree house. 6. Frank dialogue about that thing on Gorbachev's head. 5. Take turns thinking up cute names for Murphy Brown's baby. 4. Private dancing with Michelle Pfeiffer in her Catwoman suit. 3. Determine official spelling of "potato." 2. Prank phone calls to Castro. 1. Yeltsin askes, "When do I get to meet President Perot?"

Top 10 Repair Jobs Recommended by the Sears Automotive Department - June 17, 1992

10. Grease the ashtrays. 9. Carbonate the windshield wiper solution. 8. Hubcap emission test. 7. Rotate tires four times clockwise. 6. Replace fine transmission fluid we ordinarily use with Folgers Crystals. 5. Install switch that makes car invisible to Connecticut state troopers (gullible talk show hosts only). 4. Moisten the engine block. 3. Adjust side-view mirror so objects appear exactly the right size. 2. Tint the pistons. 1. Add a redwood deck.

Boris Yeltsin's Top 10 Faux Pas in Washington -- June 18, 1992

10. Repeatedly asking where he can go to get "hammered and sickled." 9. After signing arms pact, kissing President Bush square on the lips. 8. During state dinner, screaming, "You call this Russian dressing?!" 7. Accidentally calling senator from Massachusetts "Tubby Kennedy." 6. Weeping like an infant when he was informed Big Bird was just a guy in a suit. 5. On tour of White House, asking to see rooms where Jack Kennedy nailed Marilyn. 4. Constantly shouting "Feed me!" at top of his lungs. 3. Laughing hysterically when Bush suggested they meet again in '94. 2. Hugging Quayle a little too long. 1. Kept calling Barbara "General Schwarzkopf."

Top 10 Ways To Make H. Ross Perot Really Angry -- June 19, 1992

10. Mention how you loved him as Mr. Haney on "Green Acres." 9. Send him a fake bank statement that says he only has two billion dollars. 8. Ask if you can call him "Hoss." 7. Put him on hold when he calls the Home Shopping Network. 6. Wonder why he doesn't use that "What, me worry?" slogan anymore. 5. Ask him if he still owns Southfork. 4. Shave the word "Bush" into the side of his head. 3. Hog the Thighmaster. 2. Tell him you can't wait to see him as "The Penguin." 1. Ask him if the H stands for "Heather."

Top 10 Olympic Sports on NBC's Pay-Per-View Triplecast -- June 23, 1992

10. Blindfolded fencing. 9. Equestrian synchronized swimming. 8. Drunken yacht races. 7. Charades in pajamas. 6. Endurance squatting. 5. Apartment hunting. 4. Perpetually upside-down kayaks. 3. Speed-walking with a bad rash. 2. Uneven parallel bars for guys with uneven arms. 1. Rhythmic blinking.

Top 10 Things Perot Found Out About the Bush Family -- June 24, 1992

10. George ran over first wife with riding mower. 9. Even at the White House, whole family sleeps inside R.V. in driveway. 8. Use tax dollars to send out for Chinese food. 7. At home, they all speak with thick Mexican accents. 6. Naked George Bush often "surprised" by tour groups. 5. Neil Bush is hooked on phonics. 4. Like most Americans, the First Family still hasn't signed up for NBC's Olympic Triplecast. 3. Barbara is thinking of voting for Perot. 2. Japanese have them on the payroll just to screw things up. 1. Quayle was Millie's suggestion.

Top 10 Surprises in the U.N. Sex Study -- June 25, 1992

10. Of the 100 million acts of love daily, most occur in Bill Clinton's campaign van. 9. Paulina Porizkova actually sleeps with Ric Ocasek. 8. When reaching sexual climax, 45% of women shout the word, "Ebert." 7. Instead of the stork, children in Malaysia are told babies are brought by Dick Enberg. 6. 65 million times a day someone says, "I'll call you." 5. Only 36% of electricians actually do make betters lovers. 4. It wouldn't kill Warren Beatty to lose 10 pounds. 3. 75% of all edible underwear purchased by the Portuguese. 2. A woman in the United States has an orgasm every 3.4 seconds -- and that woman never gets and housework done! 1. Every 12 seconds, somebody has a drink with a Kennedy.

Top 10 Experiments on the Shuttle Shuttle Columbia -- June 26, 1992

10. Dispense delightful potpourri air freshener over New Jersey. 9. Study effect of zero gravity on Lee Press-on Nails. 8. Create and test new Tang-based cocktails. 7. Get some feedback on the redesigned in-flight magazine. 6. Astronauts already weightless; how will Slim-Fast diet affect them? 5. See how five MTV teenagers get along living in the same shuttle cabin. 4. Double check the muffler repair job done at Sears Automotive Center. 3. Is Ebert visible from orbit? 2. Stay up really late; see if they get all giggly. 1. Aim camcorder at White House for Ross Perot.

Top 10 Demands of the Striking French Truck Drivers - July 7, 1992

10. No more mandatory showers. 9. A government-imposed vasectomy for Orville Redenbacher. 8. Take speed bumps out of Chunnel. 7. Close Sears Auto Center in Nice. 6. No longer required to keep Grey Poupon in glove compartment. 5. Truck stop bidets. 4. No penalty for running Yugos off the road. 3. Bumper stickers reading: "If you don't like my driving, mangez-moi!" 2. Louis XIV-style fuel pumps. 1. Brie-filled air bags.

Top 10 Signs You've Hired a Bad Babysitter - July 8, 1992

10. Keeps asking, "The kids are the shorts ones, right?" 9. Saw her on "Jeopardy" during "Bad Babysitters Week." 8. Kids start using a lot of prison slang. 7. When you offer her a tip, she says, "I've already taken care of it." 6. First question she asks is, "Where do you hide the booze?" 5. Kids become hooked on phonics. 4. She nervously asks, "You don't watch 'Americas's Most Wanted' do you?" 3. While sitting at restaurant, you recognize her at next table. 2. Every time you call to check in, the phone is answered by a fireman. 1. While you were gone, she signed you up for the Olympic TripleCast.

Top 10 Reasons Ross Perot's Popularity Is Slipping - July 9, 1992

10. Increasing voter fear that he is a space alien. 9. Most people think he died in the quake. 8. Revelation that he made first billion from Sears automotive. 7. Shouldn't have appeared naked on cover of "Vanity Fair." 6. Growing suspicion that none of us are going to see a dime out of this. 5. Choked in pole vault. 4. Mistake to show up at last press conference in huge afro wig. 3. Everyone got tired of listening to a rich guy shoot off his mouth. 2. Admission that during '88 Democratic Convention he was other guy in Rob Lowe tape. 1. Stopped dating Madonna.

Top 10 Ways the Olympics Would Be Different If They Were Held in Las Vegas - July 10, 1992

10. Craps would be a demonstration sport. 9. You win a gold medal: your room, all your meals - comped. 8. NBC TripleCast would still lose $150 million. 7. Olympic judges replaced by pit bosses. 6. Clear 7' 11" in high jump - win a million dollars. 5. Sequined shot puts. 4. Scoreboard shows medal count and keno numbers. 3. Male gymnasts guaranteed work with Siegfried and Roy. 2. Topless synchronized swimming. 1. Medals would be bronze, silver, and gold lame.

Visiting Delegates' Top 10 Complaints About New York - July 14, 1992

10. No matter how many times you say "no," Dukakis insists on squeegeeing your window. 9. Batman doesn't respond to Bat Signal. 8. Street pretzels same as ones sold at 1980 convention. 7. Fake Rolexes here cost more than real Rolexes back home. 6. Guy who claimed to be "pocket inspector" just common thief. 5. How do I figure proper tip for ambulance drivers? 4. So-called "ATM doormen" charge exorbitant fees. 3. Police shoot first, give directions later. 2. Still haven't seen Paul Tsongas in bathing suit. 1. Everywhere you look - Regis!

Top 10 Signs You Won't Be Re-Elected President - July 15, 1992

10. At fund-raising dinners guests ask you, "Can we have some more butter please?" 9. Whenever you use phrase. "If I'm re-elected" in speech, crowd bursts into 10 minutes of uproarious laughter. 8. Wife keeps reassuring you she can get work as mall Santa. 7. Quayle's on your ticket. 6. When you ask your campaign manager advice, he shrugs and says, "Beats me." 5. Carvel turns their President Bush cake into "Bushy the Whale." 4. Instead of "Four more years" supporters chant "Six more months." 3. Your pinhead son loses $3 billion in savings and loan scandal. 2. Your State of the Union address is pre-empted by a "Who's-the-Boss-a-Thon." 1. "Other" beats you in polls.

Top 10 Reasons Ross Perot Dropped Out of the Presidential Race - July 16, 1992

10. Barber's orders. 9. Afraid reporters wouldn't be able to see him behind podium during press conferences. 8. Found out how much the job paid. 7. Committed one too many "fashion don'ts." 6. Tailfins kept falling off Perotmobile. 5. Suddenly remembered he's Mexican. 4. Nobody proofread wording of petitions; George Peppard now on ballot in 24 states. 3. Several acres of $100 bills need ironing and restacking. 2. Ate too many cheeseburgers, now just wants to sleep. 1. Blisters!

Top 10 Things Overheard During Bill Clinton's Speech - July 17, 1992

10. "Did he just say he was going to create 15 million new dogs?" 9. "I'm sorry, sir. There's no 'Mondale' on the guest list." 8. "I can't believe this! He's staring right at me! He wants me to come on stage and dance with him!" 7. "Screw this. I'm voting for the old guy who did those one-arm push-ups." 6. "Would you please get off my lap, Senator Kennedy?" 5. "Damn! Why can't I change the channel? Oh, because I'm actually here." 4. "Run for your lives - it's Woodrow Wilson!" 3. "I wish they'd stop pointing the TV cameras at me whenever he says something about gay rights." 2. "Let's go Dukakis - those balloons aren't gonna inflate themselves." 1. "Thank god he didn't bring that sax."

Top 10 Reasons Bush Shouldn't Drop Quayle - July 21, 1992

10. Would risk losing the moron vote. 9. Combined President/Vice-President golf handicap would soar. 8. He always brings the keg to state dinners. 7. Shame to waste smart guy in vice-presidency. 6. He has lock on pretty-boy airhead vote. 5. Is best Vice-President in history at hiding Easter eggs. 4. Reebok would have to scrap $25 million Dan vs. Al campaign. 3. He's almost housebroken. 2. Just because he's stupid doesn't mean he shouldn't hold second-highest office in the land. 1. He's a real looker.

Top 10 Things Overheard on the Clinton/Gore Campaign Bus - July 22, 1992

10. "Slow down! A convertible full of babes." 9. "OK Hillary, you pretend you're the naive motorist and I'll be the angry state policeman." 8. "My lifelong dream: entering a Howard Johnson's through a bus lane." 7. "I forgot again - am I Thelma or Louise?" 6. "Is that Jerry Brown hitchhiking?" 5. "Never mind my energy policy - let's see if this whale can do 100!" 4. "Tipper, are you crazy? You don't moon truckers." 3. "It's day five, Al. Would a shower kill you?" 2. "Look out! It's Ben Vereen!" 1. "No, Ma'am, this isn't the trash train."

Top 10 Signs You've Gone To a Bad Hypnotist - July 23, 1992

10. When you come to, he's wearing your clothes. 9. You now own 19 Juice Tigers. 8. Days after your appointment, strangers come up to you on the street saying how much they enjoyed you in that live-sex show. 7. Everywhere you look: giant, whistling squirrels. 6. He tells you your wallet is blocking the alpha rays - better let him hold it. 5. He says, "You're getting very... uh... slippery - no, that's not it." 4. Anytime someone says the word "hello" you find yourself naked in Syracuse. 3. Suddenly you remember him from shop class. 2. Instead of tapping into your subconscious, he just waits for you to doze off and then yells stuff at you. 1. You wake up married to Doug Henning.

Top 10 Reasons Bush Should Dump Quayle - July 24, 1992

10. Getting harder and harder to drag him away form his ant farm. 9. Dairy Queen how hiring. 8. Too time consuming for Pentagon to prepare all his briefings in comic-book format. 7. Keeps eating White House gold fish. 6. Was fooling around with phone and accidentally ordered Olympic TripleCast. 5. Tired of wasting valuable time in cabinet meetings untangling him from phone cord. 4. He and Barbara hugging just a little too long lately. 3. Secret Service tired of bathing him. 2. With advancing age, he's starting to lose his keen intellectual edge. 1. Throws like a girl.

Top 10 Perks of Dating the President - August 11, 1992

10. Can listen in on extension when President calls winning Superbowl locker room. 9. Get to try out Calvin Coolidge's "Shanghai sling" device in Lincoln bedroom. 8. Three words: Chief Executive hickies. 7. Special pass that allows you to hunt spotted owl. 6. Endless supply of red, white, and blue condoms. 5. Anyone who cuts you off in traffic is immediately deported. 4. Postmaster General personally delivers your mail. 3. Get to ride on Air Force One, if you know what I mean. 2. He lets you pay your taxes in "love bucks." 1. Ten percent discount on stamps.

Top 10 Signs You're on a Bad Cruise - August 12, 1992

10. Larry Csonka keeps hogging the exercycle. 9. There are always barnacles in your pants. 8. Strolling the deck one night you notice hundreds of rats frantically diving off the ship. 7. You hit an iceberg and many die. 6. The entertainment provided is old "Knight Rider" tapes. 5. When you get three miles out the captain yells: "Let's kill us some whales!" 4. Puerto Vallarta looks a lot more like Newark than in brochure. 3. You wake up wearing Gavin MacLeod's underwear. 2. Navigation chart is place mat from Red Lobster. 1. Everywhere you look - Kathie Lee!

Top 10 Ways Bush Can Still Win the Election - August 13, 1992

10. Bomb the living crap out of Norway. 9. Announce he's entering a 12-step program for recovering dweebs. 8. Start calling himself the "bed-ucation President." 7. Invent really delicious new kind of sandwich. 6. Free crack. 5. Change "War on Drugs" to "War on Doug Henning." 4. Go around throwing up on bad guys. 3. Compose rap song paying tribute to women with big butts. 2. Stop referring to James Baker as his "longtime companion." 1. Keep spotted owl in pants.

Top 10 Other Things George and Barbara Disagree About - August 14, 1992

10. The key lime pie at Sizzler. 9. Which one's Canada and which one's Mexico. 8. Whose turn it is to feed Marlin Fitzwater. 7. He likes sex once a month. She doesn't. 6. The Vice-President's bedtime. 5. Is the "repeat" step in the shampoo process really necessary? 4. Abe Vigoda: dead or alive? 3. Whether they should start looking for a new house right now. 2. Proper number of dates before a president sleeps with his secretary. 1. What's the deal with Bruce Jenner?

Top 10 Surprises in the Reagan Speech - August 18, 1992

10. Part where he took credit for inventing sniglets. 9. His statement that "maybe we should give communism a try." 8. Reference to Dan Quayle as "somebody I wouldn't mind sharing a bunk with." 7. Suggestion that Bush start working on his concession speech. 6. Can't remember if he had Jennifer Fitzgerald. 5. He turned Bush on to Halcion. 4. Ron Reagan Jr. is romantically involved with Woody Allen. 3. He kept calling Bush, Perot. 2. Revelation that drugs aren't only things Nancy says no to. 1. He was lipsynching.

Top 10 Reasons Wayne Newton Went Bankrupt - August 19, 1992

10. Got drunk and loaned credit cards to Willie Nelson. 9. Price of hair oil rose a penny per gallon. 8. On a whim decided to see how much cash he could eat. 7. Paid too much for his muffler. 6. Invested savings in this great idea where people could watch the Olympics all day on three channels. 5. Mr. Bigshot always had to have fries with that. 4. Briefly dated Marla Maples. 3. Nevada's exorbitant moustache tax. 2. Kids demanded money back from his Wayne's World theme park. 1. Took cab from LaGuardia to midtown.

Top 10 Ways the U. S. Is Better Off than It Was Four Years Ago - August 20, 1992

10. More beach days thanks to greenhouse effect. 9. Unemployed have more people to pal around with. 8. Four years ago Home Shopping Club only sold junk. 7. Spuds McKenzie off the air. 6. Martin Sheen has no more children going into acting. 5. In 1988 Michael Jackson still had nose number three. 4. Louis Gossett Jr. now appears in all movies. 3. Few annoying spotted owls hooting in backyard. 2. Used to wonder what a really fat Bill Cosby would look like. 1. Studs.

Top 10 Signs Your Marriage Isn't Working - August 21, 1992

10. Wife is always leaving dinner table to go on dates. 9. You play along while watching "Divorce Court." 8. You're married to a member of the British Royal family. 7. Whenever you feel romantic your spouse says, "Pipe down, 'Who's the Boss' is on." 6. You're dating your stepdaughter. 5. Dom never seems to initiate sex anymore (Mrs. DeLuise only). 4. Your wife keeps introducing different handsome young guys as her brother Tommy. 3. You see your spouse on "Love Connection." 2. The marriage counselor you go to has a nude picture of your wife on his desk. 1. Your wife's name is Elizabeth Taylor.

Top 10 Surprising Revelations in the New Columbus Movie - August 25, 1992

10. Columbus cheated at shuffleboard. 9. Had touch football games on deck between guys who thought Earth was round an d guys who thought Earth was flat. 8. Boat was full of exciting celebrity stowaways. 7. Right before spotting land Columbus quenched thirst with can of refreshing Pepsi. 6. Had robot friend named R2D2. 5. Also discovered Stove Top Stuffing. 4. Sarcastically named Virgin Islands after notoriously easy Queen Isabella. 3. Fourth ship which didn't make it: the Yugo. 2. Crew often beat him up for wearing brightly colored tights. 1. Earth flat; Brando round.

Top 10 Ways To Annoy a Flight Attendant - August 26, 1992

10. Make loud propeller noises with your mouth for duration of flight. 9. Ask for blanket, run up and down aisle pretending to be a ghost. 8. Giggle uncontrollably each time she says "duty free." 7. Maintain emergency landing position for entire flight. 6. Date her for 12 years, put her in all your movies, then start dating her daughter. 5. Push call button. Ask for pancakes. Repeat. 4. Hypnotize seat mate into not returning tray table to original and upright locked position. 3. Ask whether salisbury steak can be used as flotation device. 2. Fill air sickness bag with coleslaw. Toss at movie screen. 1. Keep calling her "Mommy."

Top 10 Signs Your Neighbor Is a Televangelist - August 27, 1992

10. Crew from "60 Minutes" always parked outside. 9. He giggles every time you mention the word "taxes." 8. Gets struck by lightning all the time. 7. When your kids come home from playing at his house they call you Satan. 6. Says if you don't help him rake the leaves, God will kill you. 5. You see Jessica Hahn mowing yard. 4. Cadillacs! Cadillacs! Cadillacs! 3. When you ask for your barbecue tongs back he breaks down in tears and says,"I have sinned!" 2. Has really bad southern college named after him. 1. Everywhere you look - hookers!

Top 10 Signs You're Lacking Family Values - August 28, 1992

10. You take your kids for back-to-school tattoos. 9. You have a viewing party whenever a friend or family member is featured. 8. Your Swiss chalet is crawling with Jennifers. 7. You're a fictional TV character having a baby out of wedlock. 6. You're dating your stepdaughter. 5. You go to your kids' school open house in something crotchless. 4. In fight over last pork chop, you stab Grandpa with a fork. 3. Family gatherings often turn into hostage situation. 2. You refer to your children as "drinkin' buddies." 1. Every member of your family has been on "Oprah."

Top 10 Signs President Bush Is Panicking - September 1, 1992

10. More references to KFC's popcorn chicken in speeches. 9. Has been urging Barbara to show a little more leg at campaign appearances. 8. Flew to Georgia to throw rocks at Bill Clinton's bus. 7. Has started hoarding peanuts from Air Force One. 6. Has scheduled start of Desert Storm II for next Tuesday at noon. 5. New slogan: "Me so horny!" 4. Recently shot Barbara in the foot thinking she was a prowler. 3. White House vending machine now stocked with Halcion. 2. Calls Jim Baker "Mommy." 1. Nude press conferences.

Top 10 Signs EuroDisney Is Losing Money - September 2, 1992

10. Costumed characters now beg visitors for food. 9. Nobody fooled by new ride "Trash Mountain." 8. Huey, Dewey, and Louie taking year off from college to work in salmon- packing plant. 7. Cable disconnected in Tomorrowland. 6. All French staff suddenly very courteous. 5. Goofy just doesn't give a damn anymore. 4. Snow White's looking real dingy. 3. Cinderella's Castle now plastered with ads for Red Man chewing tobacco. 2. Person in Minnie Mouse costume offering businessmen sensual massages. 1. Everywhere you look - rats.

Top 10 Reasons Jose Canseco Was Traded - September 3, 1992

10. Team found out he lied about Ph.D. on resume. 9. Kept pestering teammates to buy Mary Kay cosmetics. 8. Throws like a girl. 7. Instead of catching fly balls, just yells, "Heads up!" 6. Tried to cork the bat boy. 5. Teammates got tired of him asking, "Have I told you guys how much they're paying me?" 4. Developed irrational fear of "the wave." 3. Accused of having wandering eyes in team shower. 2. Not enough room on the bench for his fat ass. 1. Two words: pregnant mascot.

Top 10 Things George Bush Can Accomplish in Remaining 58 Days - September 4, 1992

10. Legally change everyone's name in country to Linda. 9. Exercise the "pocket veto" a few more times (if you know what I mean). 8. Fly to every state, perform vote-inducing Mambo. 7. Tamper with White House salt shakers before Clintons move in. 6. Nail Madonna. 5. Get his son Neil to embezzle a few million and hightail it to Switzerland. 4. Based on the last four years, nothing. 3. Have sex twice. 2. Bomb the hell out of some candy-ass country. 1. Carefully pack.

Top 10 Bad Things About Living To Be 400 Years Old - September 8, 1992

10. Creams and lotions claiming to make you look 350 never work. 9. Seems like every 75 years you have to learn how to use some new-fangled zipper. 8. Hair doesn't have the luster it did when you were 175. 7. Can never remember where you parked the spaceship. 6. Would have to pay alimony to 80 ex-wives (Larry King only). 5. Having lived so long and seen so much, the plot lines on "Murder She Wrote"don't seem that damn surprising. 4. Disco might come back. 3. Trying to bounce your 320-year-old great-grandson on your knee. 2. You'll probably end up married to Liz Taylor at least once. 1. Everywhere you look - knickknacks.

Top 10 Ways To Make Chess More Exciting - September 9, 1992

10. Lose a piece, do a shot. 9. Under one of the squares on the chessboard: the Daily Double! 8. Topless queens. 7. Players must wear painful helmets. 6. Get rid of Fay Vincent. 5. Have that Madonna play - she'll find some way to jazz it up, believe you me. 4. At any time player may call: "slap fight!" 3. Every time you capture a piece you get a nice fresh grape. 2. Strap chessboard to back of irritable donkey. 1. Mystery exploding piece.

Top 10 Signs Your Local TV News Team Is Really Stupid - September 10, 1992

10. Sometimes spend entire broadcast straightening papers. 9. Co-anchors wear matching T-shirts that say "I'm with stupid." 8. Official nightly sign-off is "Bye-bye Mr. Camera." 7. Last 20 minutes of newscast devoted to corrections. 6. Lead story always has something to do with goats. 5. During interview, police chief asks reporter, "What are you - some kind of moron?" 4. Coming back from commercial you can see them spinning in their chairs. 3. In middle of story about city council, reporter asks if he can have some cake. 2. Anchorman often giggles and says "Whoa boy! Here comes another Japanese name!" 1. Constantly licking camera lens.

Top 10 Signs Your President Is a Liar - September 11, 1992

10. The Rolex he sold you doesn't feel like real gold. 9. Secret Service name is "Big Fat Liar." 8. Says he was at Julia and Kiefer's wedding. 7. Gets all shifty-eyed every time he denies that he's a pawn of Satan. 6. He asks for "just one lick" of your vanilla cone and then goes nuts with it. 5. Twice in one night? Come on! 4. New evidence that Operation Desert Storm was staged in Nevada. 3. Says he lives in hotel 1,000 miles from his actual home. 2. Tries to pass his Mom off as his wife. 1. Claims he actually is Harry Truman.

Top 10 Reasons Perot May Re-Enter the Race - September 22, 1992

10. Great way to get America excited about his new low fat "Perogurt." 9. Mind control ray from planet Saturn once again coming through loud and clear. 8. When asked if he could win, Magic Eight Ball said, "Yes, definitely." 7. Started to enjoy jokes about his enormously large comic ears. 6. Two words: campaign tail. 5. Whenever he takes garbage out, wife says, "I'll bet the president doesn't have to do that." 4. He's found some qualified homosexuals and adulterers to fill his cabinet. 3. Cheap publicity stunt to promote his new movie with Mia Farrow. 2. Heard the White House fridge is packed with Steak 'Ums. 1. He's just plain nuts.

Top 10 Other Medical Revelations - September 23, 1992

10. Certs not really two mints in one. 9. We're using 100% of our brains all the time; things aren't going to get any better. 8. Lab monkeys are good kissers. 7. For extra yelping, keep stethoscope in freezer. 6. Turns out Norwegians are much, much dumber than Swedes. 5. Scientists actually can't tell one damn lab rat from another. 4. People live longer if their name is "Jimmy." 3. Much like a cow, Tommy Lasorda has multiple stomachs. 2. "Turn you head and cough" just old medical school prank. 1. Most perfect food? Salami.

Top 10 Debate Conditions Demanded by Bush - September 24, 1992

10. Bush shirts, Clinton skins. 9. After Bush speaks, moderator must add, "He's right, you know." 8. Swimsuit competition counts for at least 30%. 7. After debate Clinton can't do Arsenio for two weeks. 6. At all times Clinton must be referred to as "Mule Boy." 5. No questions about last four years. 4. Adopt "Family Feud" format. 3. Bush: fancy cedar podium; Clinton: paper hat and milk crate. 2. Clinton must be in full hillbilly regalia. 1. Answers must be in the form of a question.

Top 10 Voter Pet Peeves - September 25, 1992

10. You find a guy in your booth trying on pants. 9. Polling place workers won't let you bring your monkey into the booth. 8. You try to vote when you're really drunk and end up buying a pack of Newports. 7. Election Day has gotten so commercialized, people forget it's about Jesus. 6. That both of these truly outstanding candidates can't be the winner. 5. Candidates who ask you to read their lips, and they've got a little piece of food in the corner of their mouth. 4. You spend a week painting "Vote for Perot" on your family car and he drops out. 3. You spend a week scraping "Vote for Perot" off your family car and he's back in. 2. Getting exit-polled, if you know what I mean. 1. No candidates named "Lou."

Top 10 Things that Would Convince Perot To Get Back in the Race - September 29, 1992

10. Voices in his head urge him to go to Washington as new president and kill Sam Donaldson. 9. No promises, but he really likes those Mounds bars. 8. One night with Debbie, the official White House concubine. 7. Some kind of sign from God, like a riot in L.A. or a hurricane in Florida. 6. Claudia Schiffer pretends to be his girlfriend for a week. 5. Oprah's undying love. 4. Promise that when his face is carved into Mt. Rushmore, ears will remain actual size. 3. His accountants point out huge opportunities for President Perot's sons in the savings and loan industry. 2. One soft, sweet kiss from Larry King. 1. Lower podiums.

Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Veterinarian - September 30, 1992

10. When you hand him your cat, he asks uncomfortably, "Monkey?" 9. Two weeks later your dog coughs up a rubber glove. 8. Big sign in waiting room: "No pets allowed." 7. Diploma looks a lot like menu from Chinese restaurant. 6. Always saying, "I've got a tick bomb in my pants!" 5. Sends you card every spring: "Time for your dog's annual neutering." 4. First question: "What ails your varmint?" 3. He has a lot of posters up advertising cockfights. 2. He himself wears one of those big funnel-shaped dog collars. 1. He bites.

Top 10 Signs Perot Is Planning To Drop Out Again - October 1, 1992

10. He's back in again. 9. Hasn't bothered to change answering machine message that says, "Hi, I'm out of the race right now...." 8. He's got that faraway look in his eye that he always gets right before he drops out. 7. Hasn't canceled his month-long trip to Germany for Oktoberfest. 6. A reporter asked him about an issue. 5. Whenever someone says, "I'm going to vote for you," he says, "Huh? Oh yeah, great." 4. New campaign slogan: "I'm your man 'til Columbus Day." 3. Overheard saying, "The cramps have started again." 2. He's already scheduled a Larry King interview to make "an important announcement." 1. Accepted job at Dairy Queen.

Top 10 Conversational Ice Breakers for Cross-Country Bus Passengers - October 2, 1992

10. "If the cops search the bus, I'm your brother Eddie, OK?" 9. "The sign says no spitting, but they never enforce it." 8. "Where's the stewardess?" 7. "I'll bet you're wondering if I'm sitting back here, then who's driving the bus now?" 6. "Hello. My name is Bill Clinton." 5. "I've got bus rash!" 4. "Hey fatty, off my leg!" 3. "Ever hear of the Olympic TripleCast? That was my idea." 2. "I'd like to have sex with you and I don't want to have to pay for it." 1. "May I call you Mommy?"

Sinead O'Connor's Top 10 Complaints about the Pope - October 6, 1992

10. They screwed up her vinyl roof at the Vatican car wash. 9. Never around when she needs help picking Lotto numbers. 8. Snubbed her at the Grammys.* 7. Always telling people he got that big ring for winning '86 Super Bowl. 6. Doesn't let anyone else drive the Popemobile. 5. Improperly uses piety to get hefty discounts at the Gap. 4. At the movies, won't remove his 8-foot hat. 3. The way he's always entering and then quitting the presidential race. 2. The time he said, "I don't date, but if I did, I wouldn't date no bald chick." 1. Never picks up a check. *Original #8 before NBC's forced editing: His holier-than-thou attitude.

Top 10 Signs Your Kid Is Out of Shape - October 7, 1992

10. Instead of teddy bear, sleeps with a cheeseburger. 9. While playing in yard, he's knocked unconscious by a moth. 8. He asks you to give him a ride from the living room to the den. 7. Won't get out of bed until the pies arrive. 6. He can't even tear up a picture of the Pope. 5. Whenever he walks around in new corduroys, neighbors yell, "Keep it down!" 4. You hear him in his room saying, "Man! These CDs are heavy!" 3. You let him stay up past his bedtime and he can't. 2. When you drive by the McDonald's, the staff comes out to wave at your kid. 1. Known around town as "Elvis."

Top 10 Little-Known Debate Rules - October 8, 1992

10. Each candidate may kick off the proceedings with one limerick. 9. After particularly good answer, moderator may wink at candidate. 8. Must provide people in front with drop cloth before smashing melon with giant mallet. 7. Unless it pertains to an issue, no squatting. 6. Bernard Shaw not allowed to hide under moderator's table. 5. No triple suplexes - double suplexes, sure, but no triple suplexes. 4. Maximum of two tickets to the debate for candidates girlfriends. 3. After taking drink of water, candidate must say, "Damn, that's tasty water!" 2. Candidates may compare themselves to J.F.K. only in terms of screwing around. 1. No bicycle pants.

Top 10 Most Frequently Recalled Fisher Price Toys - October 9, 1992

10. My First Machete 9. Fragile Glass Vial of Mercury 8. "Dad's Little Bartender" 7. Balsawood 2000: Bargain Pogo Stick 6. The Yugo 5. Grab the Cop's Gun: A Game of Skill 4. "My Tummy's a Pincushion" Kit 3. G.I. Joe Garagiola 2. "Now It's Too Hot!!" - The Hot Plate Game 1. The Hairiest Ken Doll Ever

Top 10 Ways Quayle Prepared for the Debate - October 13, 1992

10. Learned to say "rebuttal" without giggling. 9. Had hole drilled in skull to let out some of the pressure. 8. Bought enough candy to last 90 minutes. 7. Read book of inspirational stories about dumb guys who went up against smart guys - and won! 6. Bounced a few ideas off Millie. 5. Streamlined story of time his National Guard unit was pinned down for hours by a scrappy dachshund. 4. Two words: Cliff Notes. 3. Memorized really snappy comeback to that "You're no Jack Kennedy" line. 2. Reread his "How a Bill Becomes a Law" comic book. 1. Worked on his putting.

Top 10 Surprises in Last Night's Debate - October 14, 1992

10. Dan Quayle looks cute when he pretends to be angry. 9. The way Tipper kept making out with Michael Bolton in front row. 8. Stockdale, Quayle, and Gore are "sauna buddies." 7. When all the talk about "trickle down" theories made Quayle ask to be excused for just a minute. 6. Gennifer Flowers also guilty of "pulling a Clinton." 5. The way Gore's family kept yelling, "Good answer! Good answer!" 4. All three candidates agree that Madonna is a slut. 3. When an angry Buddy Ebsen stood up in the audience and demanded his hair back from Stockdale. 2. Al Gore's got bigger thighs than Bette Midler. 1. Those amazing Georgia Tech cheerleaders!

Top 10 Signs You're Losing the Presidential Debate - October 15, 1992

10. You begin wondering if working at McDonalds is as much fun as it is in the commercials. 9. Wife stars flirting with Sam Donaldson. 8. In audience, your father tears his clothing and yells, "I have no son!" 7. After every statement you make, moderator chuckles and says, "Whoops!" 6. Michael Dukakis is giving you "thumbs up" in front row. 5. Only mild, polite applause when you B.S. about how much you love America. 4. Circus music plays, the audience stands, and a dunce cap is lowered on to your head. 3. Doberman in audience smells your fear and starts chasing you around podium. 2. Cameraman peeks around camera and mouths the words, "You suck." 1. Your name is George Bush.

Top 10 Signs Our Nation's Infrastructure Is Crumbling - October 16, 1992

10. Grand Canyon now eight feet wide. 9. Trains must perform Evel Knievel-style jumps to compensate for missing bridges. 8. Face of Hoover Dam is a crazy-quilt of different kinds of string and tape. 7. Introduction of new Ben & Jerry's flavor "Nutty, Crumbled Infrastructure." 6. New York City potholes now available as studio apartments. 5. Tom Brokaw is forced to fry bacon with his eyes. 4. New York Public Library recently collapsed when guy leaned against it. 3. When driving on I-95, often find yourself in center of Earth. 2. Hairline cracks beginning to appear in Barbara Bush. 1. Three words: West Side Highway.

Top 10 Ways Bush Planned To Disrupt Perot's Daughter's Wedding - October 27, 1992

10. When bride says, "I do," yell, "Speak up, tubby!" 9. Exercise little-known presidential "wedding veto." 8. Get drunk, get up on stage, and sing, "You and Me Against the World." 7. Three words: Rev. Rip Taylor. 6. Airdrop doctored photos of Perot nailing a metermaid. 5. Replace ushers with incontinent monkeys. 4. Have Dan Quayle stand in back of church and yell, "I had her!" 3. Push Admiral Stockdale into wedding cake. 2. The same way Honest Abe himself would have done it: stilts and a kazoo. 1. Super itchy garter.

Top 10 Signs You're a Fringe Presidential Candidate - October 28, 1992

10. Mother unwilling to "throw away her vote" on you. 9. Every time you kiss a baby, someone calls the cops. 8. Secret Service assigns you their college intern "Skip." 7. Your party's convention is cut short when the manager kicks you out of Wendy's. 6. Your slogan is: "It's time we put a midget in charge of things." 5. In an interview from prison, Manson calls you "that nut case." 4. Your letters to the editor are printed under the heading "Today's Chuckle." 3. When you announce your candidacy, you get a standing ovation from the other patients. 2. Every morning mailman says, "Letter for you, Mr. President," then laughs hysterically. 1. One word: scootercade.

Top 10 Reasons Clinton Is Losing His Lead - October 29, 1992

10. Ill-advised new slogan: "Vote Bush." 9. Bad idea to tell Larry King, "I'm going to tax these pinheads till they're drier than Death Valley." 8. Drank too much grape soda. 7. Voters turned off by his vision of a "nation of hillbillies." 6. Bush's new campaign promise to neuter that guy in the Burger King commercials. 5. Voters wonder how such a handsome man could possibly understand the problems of ordinary people. 4. Promised to hit home run for sick child, grounded weakly to short. 3. People seem to have realized he's kind of a load. 2. More and more people like the idea of a tiny insane billionaire running things. 1. Stockdalemania!

Top 10 Ways Dumb Voters Decide Who To Vote For - October 30, 1992

10. Ask a smart person, vote the opposite way. 9. Listen for clues from Vanna. 8. Whichever guy has that cool-sounding "voodoo economics." 7. Find out who that "Dorf on Golf" guy is supporting. 6. Stick hand in blender: one finger left, vote Bush; two fingers left, Clinton 5. Carefully analyze pie charts, get craving for pie, eat pie. 4. Heads - Bush; tails - Quayle. 3. If he's talking about a tax on Steak-Umms, forget it. 2. Ask self, "Am I more dumb now than I was four years ago?" 1. One word: Nixon.

Top 10 Signs Bill Clinton Has Gone Mad with Power - November 4, 1992

10. Ruled that Hawaii isn't really a state. 9. Has been asking staff members, "Do I get to be on dollar bills and stuff?" 8. Promised Amtrak will run on time. 7. Faxed photos of his head to Mt. Rushmore. 6. First cabinet appointment? Elle MacPherson. 5. In front of cheering crowd in Little Rock, bit off three of his own finger. 4. Ripped down Quayle's drawings from White House refrigerator. 3. Banished Ross Perot to a Mexican zoo. 2. Announced that on special days, he will serve as the first lady. 1. Keeps calling country "Clintonia."

Top 10 Mistakes in Bush's Campaign Strategy - November 5, 1992

10. Ill-advised speech at every campaign stop entitled, "Screw You and Your Miserable Little Lives." 9. Trying to show sensitivity by open-mouth kissing Bob Dole. 8. Fitzwater in a miniskirt. 7. Turned off many potential voters with his naked interpretive dance to "Baby I'ma Want You." 6. Scheduled Desert Storm a year too early. 5. The vomiting was funny the first time, but at the end of every rally? 4. Barbara refusing to show more leg. 3. During final train tour, shouldn't have kept taking a leak off back of caboose. 2. Senseless negative ads showing Dukakis shoplifting. 1. Dan Quayle is no Stockdale.

Top 10 Things the Quayles Have To Do Before January 20th - November 6, 1992

10. Fill out Dan's Dairy Queen application. 9. Stock up on Defense Dept. hair shellac for Marilyn. 8. Begin difficult process of teaching Dan a new address. 7. Erase "I can't believe I'm Vice-President" doodles from desk. 6. Get cushy jobs from one of President's deadbeat sons. 5. Break news to Dan that he wasn't re-elected. 4. Try to meet Bush. 3. Get Dan's favorite chew toy back from Millie. 2. Explain to their children that Daddy will never hold any kind of political office ever again. 1. One more blunder for the road.

Top 10 Signs You're in Love with Oprah - November 10, 1992

10. You were the only person who really cared when she put the weight back on. 9. Your pet name for Chicago: "The Winfrey City." 8. You find yourself saying to her, "No, I don't think you've run out of topics." 7. You hardly ever think about Nell Carter anymore. 6. There's an electronic tote board in your living room continuously tallying her net worth. 5. You're in her audience, she calls on you, you can't stand up. 4. When she doesn't have a guest, you agree to cross-dress and marry a goat. 3. Whenever anyone says, "Oh," you immediately add, "Prah!" 2. You have every Oprah show on tape and keep them in lead-lined, earthquake-proof vault in the Mojave Desert. 1. The wind cries, "Oprah!"

Top 10 Secret Service Pet Peeves - November 11, 1992

10. Guys with three names who seem way too interested in the President's itinerary. 9. Barbara all hands. 8. You risk your life for 50 years and all you get is a lousy Timex. 7. When wife says, "Is chicken all right for dinner or is that a _secret_?" 6. Bathing Ronald Reagan. 5. When some kid with a walkie-talkie keeps saying "One Adam 12." 4. Just because you're guarding Quayle people assume you're not very bright either. 3. When guy you're protecting asks you to do a bomb sweep of his pants. 2. Having to jog slower than Clinton. 1. Beeper rash.

Top 10 Signs No One Likes You - November 12, 1992

10. Every time someone gives you their phone number, it begins "555".... 9. No echo when you tell from edge of Grand Canyon. 8. Every New Year's Eve party you go to breaks up around 10:30. 7. When playing touch football you always seem to be "going long." 6. National Council of Churches agrees that God listens to all prayers except yours. 5. Your parents introduce you as "an acquaintance." 4. You missed easy grounder to lose sixth game of 1986 World Series. 3. Your name is Richard Burke, you're from Long Island, and you're sitting in the studio audience right now. 2. MCI operator laughs hysterically when you ask about the Friends and Family Plan. 1. Three words: Soup for One.

Top 10 Thoughts on Ronald Reagan's Mind at this Moment - November 13, 1992

10. "I guess it's true what they say: 'Hand in toaster - bad.' " 9. "Reach out, turn shiny knob, door will open." 8. "I miss Meese." 7. "These Super Hot Fireballs ain't that hot... oh boy, oooh, oooh, my tongue, my tongue!" 6. "Now... where do I bury the mailman's body?" 5. "Here, goose, goose, goose... or is that the vacuum cleaner?" 4. "I never got Boy George. I still don't get Boy George. I probably never will get Boy George." 3. "I wonder what ever happened to that nice Bush fella used to work for me back east?" 2. "Yeah, yeah, I heard you, you old bag." 1. "Who's frying bologna?"

Top 10 Punchlines to Postal Worker Dirty Jokes - November 17, 1992

10. "That's funny - I could have sworn it was marked 'This end up'!" 9. "Then she says, 'That's the last time I ask for special handling.' " 8. "The very next day his uniform was blue again." 7. " 'Wendy?' And then the mailman says, 'No, it actually says Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day.' " 6. "That's not my mailbag, but don't stop sorting!" 5. "If you can find your keys, we can drive the mail truck, out of here." 4. "The dog still bites me, but now I don't mind so much." 3. "36DDD? That's a strange ZIP code!" 2. "I don't know, but it had Ed McMahon's face on it!" 1. "Any faster and you'd be working for Federal Express."

Top 10 Tips Bush Gave Clinton Today - November 18, 1992

10. Great prank on Gore: fake heart attack. 9. Francois Mitterand hates to be called "Frankie." 8. Channel 61 shows Noriega rotting in his jail cell. 7. Nation's water supply plus methadone equals a couple weeks of peace and quiet. 6. Sushi - bad. 5. Two or three cocktails and Yeltsin will sign anything. 4. If you're going to bomb the crap out of some small country, do it right before the election. 3. Clap once for "on," twice for "off." 2. If you lend Clarence Thomas a video, you can kiss it goodbye. 1. Chicks dig Air Force One.

Top 10 Signs Your Next Door Neighbor Is in the Circus - November 19, 1992

10. Frequently seen walking on clothesline. 9. Everywhere you look - sawdust. 8. Four words: freaks on the porch. 7. Even at Tupperware parties, won't give stilts a rest. 6. Whenever you see his wife, your opening line is, "The beard looks nice today." 5. Every New Year's Eve monkey boy passes out on your lawn. 4. Calls at 7:45 one evening in a panic and asks, "Can anyone over there do a triple midair backward somersault?" 3. Currently dating Madonna. 2. They all exit and enter through the cat door. 1. Always swallowing your rake.

Top 10 Tips Barbara Bush Gave Hillary Clinton - November 20, 1992

10. After you have Dan Rather at state dinner, count the silverware. 9. Best thing about being First Lady? Free stuff! 8. Two words: ugly secretaries. 7. If you give good quotes to the press, they'll sometimes let you see the next day's Garfield strip. 6. Nail Michael Bolton. 5. There's an old doll in the cellar you can give Elsie, or whatever her name is. 4. If you husband is experiencing "Washington grid lock," try a new teddy from Victoria's Secret. 3. Don't get too much Sun while you're young. 2. When a tour group's around, make sure you're wearing a bra. 1. Don't unpack.

Top 10 Signs You're Watching a Bad Late Night TV Talk Show - November 24, 1992

10. Monologue consists of host reading day's Erma Bombeck column. 9. They bring out and interview the Smothers Brothers separately. 8. The only comedy on the show is the host's haircut. 7. "We'll be back for more with Joe Piscopo." 6. Bandleader isn't even an American citizen. 5. You recognize the host's desk as the same one Wojo used in "Barney Miller." 4. Host fills time by reading lame lists. 3. By the end of every show there's at least one stagehand who's lost an eye. 2. Ain't none of the dudes gettin' it on. 1. Three words: "Guess my weight."

Top 10 Things Clinton Will Do After the Inauguration - November 25, 1992

10. Turn country's economic problems over to someone smart like Einstein. 9. Shout, "I won't be needing this anymore," as he flings toupee into fireplace. 8. Declaw "Socks." 7. Declaw Hillary. 6. Appoint Gennifer Flowers ambassador to his pants. 5. Track down the Defense Dept. guy who tried to draft him 25 years ago and fire his ass. 4. Make Gore memorize spelling of common vegetables. 3. Knock back a double Jack and say, "Whiskey Boy's in charge." 2. Pull out his "who-gets-the-finder" list and start flipping. 1. Practice pocket veto.

Top 10 Signs You Have Eaten Too Much - November 26, 1992

10. When you leave the dining room, so does your chair. 9. You start sweating mashed potatoes like a Chia Pet. 8. You wish 100-year-olds happy birthday on TV for a living. 7. Breathalizer shows blood gravy level of more than 0.10%. 6. No one can find the cat. 5. Food not available in your area for several days. 4. Every time you belch, about a gallon of cranberry sauce hits the wall. 3. Police bomb squad places you gently in a large empty lot, stands expectantly some distance away. 2. Whenever you get up from your chair, you hear tuba music. 1. The coroner says, "He ate too much."

Top 10 Tips Reagan Gave Clinton - November 27, 1992

10. Be the best Prime Minister you can be. 9. It's comfortable wearing pajamas to work. 8. Always bring a translator to summits - many foreign leaders speak gibberish. 7. When doing a comedy show, you can't go wrong with a guy eating deodorant. 6. Don't let that Sinatra guy have "lunch" with your wife. 5. At a loss for words? Just make a long "hehhh" sound. 4. Be nice to Mommy or she'll punish you. 3. You'll never win - Bush's approval rating is too high. 2. See if you can pull some strings and get Ron Jr. into the Navy. 1. Naps! Naps! Naps!

Top 10 Reasons "Cheers" Is Going Off the Air - December 8, 1992

10. They ran out of beer nuts. 9. It's all part of NBC's master plan to stay in third place. 8. Ego of that postman guy out of control, constantly storms off set shouting, "I _am_ Cheers!" 7. White men can't resist sequels. 6. Unlike this show, they decided to quit when they ran out of ideas. 5. Actors so bored with roles they finish their lines by saying, "Etc., etc." 4. Norm's liver now roughly the size of an ottoman. 3. Ted Danson's toupee even more obvious than mine. 2. Realization that if you're going to get really wasted, you don't want to do it in a bar where everybody knows you name. 1. Stool rash.

Top 10 Signs You Have Purchased Tainted Soup - December 9, 1992

10. The 800 number for recipe tips is the same as the poison-control center. 9. Every time you put a can in your cupboard roaches scream, "Raid!" 8. It's very crunchy for cream of tomato. 7. When you pay for it, check-out girl says, "You'd better get right with God." 6. It's called "Port Authority Pea Soup." 5. Fat guy who will eat anything, won't eat it. 4. Celebrity spokesman: Dr. Jack Kevorkian. 3. You get the DMTs: Dinty Moore tremens. 2. Each can has a picture of Rev. Jim Jones saying, "Mmm Mmm Good." 1. Hey! Those ain't oyster crackers!

Top 10 Signs Your Royal Marriage Is in Trouble - December 10, 1992

10. You knight a really good divorce lawyer. 9. You overhear him asking his mother about beheadings. 8. Spouse asks you to return car keys and drawbridge opener. 7. You find a book in his drawer: "How To Pick Up Commoners." 6. You can't remember the least time you saw the crown jewels. 5. You catch some guy named Mario "rescuing the Princess" in the back of his Chevy. 4. Queen starts shotgunning Old Milwaukee at the dinner table. 3. You see the Princess on "Royal Studs." 2. You have to polish your own scepter. 1. Three words: cubic zirconia tiara.

Top 10 General Electric Holiday Traditions - December 11, 1992

10. Bobbing for light bulbs. 9. Special "blind footless goose born near a G.E. plant" dinner. 8. Replace pink slips with red and green slips. 7. "Party" for employees' kids where they're "invited" to assemble toaster oven components. 6. Inspirational dumb guy speech by Dan Quayle. 5. If you catch someone under the mistletoe, you get to fire him. 4. Employees get a satchel and 30 seconds to gather all the broken light bulbs they can. 3. Hire a cheaper Mexican Santa for office party. 2. Staffers gather around the glow of co-workers exposed to radiation in G.E. power plants. 1. Hookers in elf suits.

Top 10 Things the Bushes Have To Do Before Leaving Office - December 15, 1992

10. Find cushy job for deadbeat son Neil. 9. Send really sarcastic note to campaign manager James Baker. 8. Get the eight CDs for a penny, let the new guy worry about the four at regular club prices. 7. Scam some lawn furniture for Kennebunkport. 6. Bubble wrap the Halcion. 5. Wake Reagan and put him on a bus. 4. Get Barbara "the works" from government plastic surgeon. 3. Let Dan play with boxes so he gets used to idea of moving. 2. Decide whether to end farewell speech with "Kiss my you-know-what" or just go ahead and say "ass." 1. Disconnect clapper.

Top 10 Signs You're Not Getting a Christmas Bonus - December 16, 1992

10. Boss buys a new boat; calls it "Employee Bonuses '92." 9. You walk into boss's office in September with your hand out and yell, "Grease time!" 8. After six months at the Gap, you're still confusing shirts and pants. 7. You didn't rescue boss's campaign (James Baker only). 6. Boss sticks his head in your office door and asks, "You like Fritos, don't you?" 5. Just as the bonuses are handed out you're shoved into a closet and left there well into the new year. 4. Your boss catches you licking a photo of his wife. 3. You had this great idea for something you called "The TripleCast." 2. You're Gallagher's assistant and you forgot the watermelons again. 1. You work for G.E.

Top 10 Reasons Dan Quayle Would Be an Asset to a Large Corporation - December 17, 1992

10. Well rested after four-year vacation. 9. His virile young body a perfect new home for Iacocca brain. 8. Much like a car wreck, customers would come just to gawk. 7. Don't have to worry about him being called away from job in '96. 6. Old head model just broke at Dunce Cap Inc. 5. You can't leak corporate secrets you can't remember. 4. Can be kept quietly occupied for hours watching bubbles go up in the water cooler. 3. It's just fun to work with a guy who drinks chocolate milk. 2. He ain't much for thinkin', but his back is strong. 1. He's kinda pretty.

Top 10 Signs Santa's Gone Nuts - December 18, 1992

10. Last week he whacked a kid for being naughty. 9. No matter what it is, if it's on the sidewalk, he'll put it in his mouth. 8. Prancer and Dancer replaced by Manson and Hinckley. 7. Keeps calling Blitzen "Mommy." 6. Claims the Republicans tried to disrupt his daughter's wedding. 5. Constantly walks around naked singing "don we now our gay apparel." 4. Last year every single present he left was soaking wet. 3. Ditched Mrs. Claus for her adopted daughter. 2. Quoted as saying favorite part of Christmas night is staring at reindeer butts for 10 straight hours. 1. Thinking of buying an NBC affiliate.

Top 10 Things That'll Get You Kicked Out of a Department Store - December 22, 1992

10. Macing a perfume tester. 9. You and a friend each stand in one leg of the extra-large slacks. 8. Announce over K-Mart loudspeaker that for next 15 minutes, all male shoppers can take a shot at Jaclyn Smith. 7. Try on red-and-white striped sweater, walk around store screaming, "I'm Waldo!" 6. Repeatedly ask salesman in men's department to measure your inseam. 5. Squeeze into outfit from kids' department, tell clerk you "can't find Mommy." 4. Your idea of testing a mattress involves a Thermos-full of Rob Roys and a couple of hookers. 3. Block the down escalator for an hour doing Stairmaster-style workout. 2. Keep shouting from dressing room: "Boy - do I look weird naked!" 1. Licking the mannequins.

Dave's Top 10 New Year's Resolutions - December 23, 1992

10. Pepper my conversation with the word "thick-a-licous." 9. More tea parties for neighborhood dogs. 8. From now on wear pants _every_ day. 7. Get me one of those Elton John page boy haircuts. 6. Write more angry letters to the candy company and see if they'll send me another free box of Almond Joys. 5. Apologize to the pool boy for the business with the B.B. gun. 4. See a real urologist. 3. Stop wasting my time on those "Jumble" puzzles - they're impossible. 2. Learn to polka so I don't just sit around at wedding receptions. 1. Nail Dinah Shore.