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Clinton's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions - January 03, 1994

10.Prove that Domino's violated constitution by stopping 30-minute delivery policy. 9. Finally tell Hillary about him and Janet Reno 8. See if the Neptunian Galaxy masters have any new orders for him 7. Disband Air Force One Mile-High Club 6. Drop Gennifer Flowers from MCI "Friends and Family" Plan 5. Call Perot in middle of night, yell "Que pasa, little man?" and hang up. 4. Gently break news to Reagan that he doesn't live in White House anymore 3. Change Socks' litter box daily 2. Change Roger's litter box daily 1. Summit with Ronald McDonald

Top Ten Things Overheard at Barbra Streisand's Concert - January 04, 1994

10.I hand in 14 guns and all I get is one stinkin' ticket. 9. People ... people who get $5 million per concert ... are the luckiest people. 8. Funny girl nachos here. Get your funny girl nachos. 7. I'm Mark Russell, and I do a version of that song called 'You Don't Send Me Gennifer Flowers.' 6. Enjoying the show, Bubbles? 5. Hey -- at these prices, I can only afford to hear her every 20 years. 4. What's Giuliani's kid doing on stage? 3. Look who's crying in the front row -- it's that sissy Letterman! 2. Oh, boy -- she's putting on the fake beard! It must be time for the ZZ Top medley! 1. Lookout! Parachute guy!

Top Ten Words That Sound Great When Spoken by James Earl Jones - January 05, 1994

10.Mellifluous 9. Verisimilitude 8. Guppy 7. Stolichnaya 6. Boutros-Boutros Ghali 5. Neo-Synephrine 4. Pinhead 3. Mujibur and Sirajul 2. Heebie-Jeebies 1. Oprah

Dave's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions - January 06, 1994

10.Breakfast, lunch and dinner: Cheese-filled weenies 9. Raise financial backing for my one man ice show -- Davecapades 8. Turn in Uzi for shiny new bicycle 7. Tape all the NFL games on CBS 6. Return camera number 3 to NBC 5. Stop laughing every time I say "The Fox Network" 4. Have applause sign installed in my bedroom 3. To always remain loyal to this fine Network -- unless another network comes up with some more money 2. Learn to teeterboard nude 1. Four words: Mrs. Kathie Lee Letterman

Top Ten Good Things About Having the Flu - January 07, 1994

10.Sister Act 2 actually entertaining when viewed with a high fever 9. Sometimes it's just nice to be "clammy." 8. Can use forehead to warm dinner rolls 7. If you're an actor, and you're playing a guy who sneezes a lot, say hello to Oscar! 6. Fact that you're teeming with parasites makes you feel like Cher 5. If your temperature goes up to 106, you can bring the thermometer to radio station "KISS 106" and get a free "KISS 106" bumper sticker. 4. Can spend day in front of TV and lose yourself in Oprah 3. If you ask politely, mailman will rub Vick's Vaporub into your chest. 2. Get to stay at home and do what you really want 1. Getting gooned on Nyquil

Top Ten Signs You Have a Dumb Cat - January 10, 1994

10. Instead of purring, makes sound like a stalling cessna 9. Only seems content when suction-cupped to your car's rear window 8. Believes he's related to Kitty Dukakis 7. Becomes hypnotized whenever Ross Perot is on Larry King 6. Gets between the president and a plate of nachos 5. When playing "Jeopardy", always forgets to phrase answers in the form of a question 4. Let Fox network get NFL Football 3. Believes the Trump marriage will last for years to come 2. No matter how many times you explain it, he can't understand the clapper 1. Asks to be neutered by Bob Barker personally

Top Ten Signs Your Shop Teacher Is Nuts - January 12, 1994

10. Drinks two gallons of marine varnish a week 9. Begins every sentence with "Back when I was sane..." 8. Shouts "Watch this -- you don't need a hammer if you have a steel plate in your skull." 7. Same project semester after semester: Make your own coffin 6. Favorite game: Fill my pants with sawdust 5. Guns 'N' Roses recorded one of his songs. 4. He's built himself a plywood girlfriend. 3. If someone loses a finger, everyone loses a finger. 2. Arranges bandsaw safety demonstration by Lorena Bobbitt 1. Calls the drill press "Mommy"

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Lorena Bobbitt Trial - January 13, 1994

10. Who ordered the diet slice? 9. Could your honor instruct juror #4 to stop giggling? 8. Mr. Bobbitt, please rise. 7. I paid $500 for this ticket, now dammit, I want to see Streisand sing! 6. What's Andrew Giuliani doing here? 5. One million bucks. All you've gotta do is say you used a Ginsu. 4. Mr. Bobbitt, I'm with the velcro corporation, and we've got an idea for an ad. 3. If President Clinton were here I bet he'd be eating fries. 2. I said, place your hand on the Bible. 1. Look out, Lorena's got the gavel!

Top Ten Things Gore Does When Clinton Is Out of the Country - January 14, 1994

10. Cruises around in Air Force One picking up chicks 9. Waits patiently at White House gate like a lonely labrador retriever 8. Plays Tic Tac Toe with cabs 7. Same as when Clinton's in the country: spends day using massive head to bust coconuts 6. Gives out hams! 5. Slaps around George Stephanopoulos 4. Puts on giant mouse costume and scares the hell out of Socks 3. Breaks into Clinton's secret stash of presidential fries 2. Calls Dan Quayle's house and says "Is the genius there?" 1. Practices the ol' pocket veto

Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Kid to Shovel Your Driveway - January 17, 1994

10. Doesn't seem sure which end of the shovel to use 9. He's over 80 and has a medic alert bracelet. 8. Won't stop bragging about his custom-made six-fingered gloves 7. Says his shovel broke, asks you for a vacuum 6. Midway through the job, he puts on a bear suit and starts hailing cabs. 5. Whenever you aren't looking, he takes a whack at your knees. 4. Has 84 gift certificates from Toys 'R' Us 3. He's too busy disrupting dad's inauguration speech to finish. 2. You get a half-hearted recommendation form his wife, Marilyn Quayle. 1. Doesn't finish till mid-July

Top Ten Reasons Clinton is Glad to Be Back in the U.S. - January 18, 1994

10. Time difference made it too hard to stay up for "American Gladiators" 9. It was real damn scary being out in the world without his kitty cat. 8. Excited to see how much he can get for them Faberge eggs he swiped from the Kremlin 7. Europeans are less polite about lousy saxophone playing. 6. Good old American french fries! 5. Gore's 24-Hour feeder almost empty 4. European bathrooms had some kind of weird sink for midgets. 3. Good old American french fries! 2. Didn't want to miss any more of Court TV's coverage of the Bobbitt trial 1. Russian women look like Bob Dole.

Top Ten Signs It's Too Damn Cold - January 19, 1994

10. Youngsters trading in handguns for Isotoner gloves 9. Dan Rather doing news from Connie's lap 8. Only 300 people left alive on East Coast 7. It's actually nice when a guy rubs up against you on the subway. 6. Times Square hookers charge $20 just to blow on your hands. 5. Last night, for a full 20 seconds, Bea Arthur stopped sweating. 4. Portions of Al Sharpton have been closed. 3. President Clinton chipped a tooth on a french fry. 2. Andrew Giuliani restricted to annoying people indoors 1. Trump's using a de-icer on Marla.

Top Ten Questions Larry King Asked Clinton - January 21, 1994

10. Boxers or briefs? 9. What's the strangest place you and the missus have made whoopi? 8. Is that Bobby Ray Inman nuts or what? 7. Would you like to touch my suspenders? 6. Should I ask you the questions or put them directly to Hillary? 5. You jog every day. You're fat. What gives? 4. Under your health care plan, would I be eligible for a pair of less dorky eyeglasses? 3. Hey Bubba, more fries? 2. Why can't Letterman just pay his tolls like a normal person? 1. Want Perot to bring you a soda?

Top Ten Things Buffalo Bills coach Marv Levy said at halftime - January 31, 1994

10.We won! Woo! We're superbowl champs! 9. Boy, I'm sleepy. You guys sleepy" 8. We've got a long trip home after the game, so I don't want anyone wearing themselves out 7. Now get out there and rest on your laurels! 6. Hey, Kelly. Leave some champagne for everyone else! 5. What do you mean there's two more quarters? 4. Let's plan exactly how you're gonna dump the gatorade on me 3. Okay, boys--get out there and start sucking 2. Wait a minute, if we win, we have to go to Disneyland 1. Hey fellas, more fudge?

Top Ten Ways $10 Million Will Change the Slivniks - February 1, 1994

10. No more generic toilet paper ... it's Charmin time! 9. MasterCard will raise their credit limit from two thousand dollars to "Go nuts, Chester!" 8. Can take a real cruise instead of that one with Kathie Lee 7. You know eggs? Those round, white things you have for breakfast? Well, my friends, get used to calling them "Slivniks." 6. Can now afford to buy President Clinton lots of French fries! 5. Future junk mail from Publisher's Clearinghouse will read: "You may have already won another 10 million dollars!" 4. Every evening, a fresh case of Colt .45 will be delivered to their doorstep by Mr. Billy Dee Williams. 3. All the wheat they can eat! 2. Can hire guy to take out granddaughter's figure skating rival 1. Mr. Slivnik has a shot at Marla Maples

Top Ten Ways to Mispronounce Jeff Gillooly - February 2, 1994

10. Jeff Giloony 9. Jeff Gluey 8. Jif Gellahee 7. Jeff Goldblum 6. Gilly Ooly Ooly Gilly Goo 5. Prisoner #3275 4. Mr. Magooly 3. Chef Boyardee 2. Boutros Boutros Gillooly 1. Guilty

Top Ten Oliver North Campaign Slogans - February 3, 1994

10. I'll trade arms for your vote 9. Don't make me get a real job 8. At least, you already know that I'm a liar 7. A man of convictions, none of them pending 6. Shred this! 5. I've seen Ronald Reagan Naked 4. Every American will have pizza delivered by Rockettes! 3. Paper shredder + potatoes = delicious french fries for President Clinton 2. If I ran contra, I can run the country!" 1. I nailed Fawn Hall

Top Ten Disney Productions in Times Square - February 4, 1994

10. When you Wish Upon My Lap 9. Mr. Toad's Pantsless Ride 8 Space Mounting 7. Mickey and Minnie, Doing It Live 6. Aladdin '94: "Rub This!" 5. It's a Large World 4. Mary's Poppin'! 3. Hookers of the Caribbean 2. Beauty and the Bobbitt 1.Free Willy

Top Ten Rejected Olympic Sports - February 7, 1994

10. Pantless Ski Jump 9. Synchronized Hockey 8. Four-Man Zamboni 7. Racketeering 6. Bobsled with Bob Barker, Bob Eubanks and Bob Hope 5. Really Drunk Luge 4. Lead Pipe Free-For-All 3. Bear-A-Slalom 2. Bobbitsledding 1. Freestyle Gillooly

Top Ten Things Overheard at Ronald Reagan's Birthday Party - February 8, 1994

10. Why's Reagan trying to blow out the chandelier? 9. Happy birthday to ... wait stop. He's wandered off again! 8. ... And now President Reagan will use his Playskool phone to call and wish himself a happy birthday. 7. Mommy make me cake! Cake good 6. More coffee, Quayle! 5. Hey, someone spiked the punch with Grecian Formula. 4. Excuse me, I've got to exercise the old 'Trickle-down theory,' if you know what I mean. 3. Quick, hide the cake! Rush Limbaugh's here! 2. Wow, a Beavis and Butthead T-shirt! 1. Am I still president?

Top Ten Signs the Beatles May Be Here Tonight - February 9, 1994

10. Giant yellow submarine parked in front of theater 9. Street vendors selling Ringo Dogs 8. They were supposed to be on last night but we ran out of time. 7. The entire theater smells like Liverpool. 6. Pete Best spotted in the standby tickets line 5. Saw Dan Rather outside waving his autograph book 4. Late last night Ringo's hairpiece arrived at JFK. 3. Letterman spent his day warming up for post-show jam session. 2. Yoko Ono spotted outside theater holding lead pipe 1. Hell has just frozen over.

Top Ten Questions Connie Chung Asked Tonya Harding - February 10, 1994

10. Would you walk through the metal detector one more time, please? 9. Do you think you could kick my ass? 8. Can you help me and Maury have a baby? 7. How much do you think your pals would charge to whack Dan Rather's knees? 6. What the hell is that cop on the edge thing? 5. Do you know Amy Fisher? 4. When he hit Nancy in the knee, did it sort of sound like 'Chunnnggg'? 3. Did you see the Beatles reunion on Letterman last night? 2. How many packs of cigarettes is a gold medal worth in prison? 1. Can you spell 'Gillooly'?

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win a Medal - February 11, 1994

10. Instead of music, you're ice dancing to Larry King's radio show. 9. Right this minute you're shoveling driveways for beer money. 8. You're the only speed skater not wearing pants. 7. Two words: Team Fiji 6. Instead of the Olympic Village, you're staying at the Lillehammer Days Inn. 5. You're in the biathlon and you exchanged your rifle for a Toys 'R' Us gift certificate. 4. It takes a bottle of corn oil to get you in and out of your luge suit. 3. You trained for the last four years by throwing hatchets at your living room wall. 2. Your ice dancing partner is Roseanne Arnold. 1. Your name is Tonya Harding.

Top Ten Fabio's Pick-Up Lines - February 14, 1994

10. Can I buy you a drink after I finish my 2,000 sit-ups? 9. Don't you think the 'No shirt, no service' policy is ridiculous? 8. Wanna help my choose a last name? 7. You look hungry. I will microwave you a burrito. 6. How would you like to ride a finely tuned Italian love machine? 5. Did you know that 'Fabio' is Italian for 'Fonzie'? 4. Yo, mama, what it is? Let's you and me get it on! 3. Who do you like better -- Beavis or Butthead? 2. I find you very attractive even though your chest is much smaller than mine. 1. Wow! You are almost as beautiful as me!

Top Ten Things Overheard in the Olympic Village - February 15, 1994

10. Lead pipes! Get your lead pipes here! 9. Let's count all the fat guys in luge suits. 8. My name's Michael Jordan, and I'm here to enter the ski jump competition. 7. How do you say 'screw you' in Norwegian? 6. I'm sorry, but I still can't find your name on the guest list, Mr. Gillooly. 5. How much for the fake gold medals? 4. It must be a treat for Hillary to see real athletes instead of Bill in those jogging shorts. 3. How 'bout a little two-man luge? (If you know what I mean). 2. I'm sorry, Mrs. Letterman, but your son's credit card is no good. 1. There's no way I'm rooming with Harding!

Top Ten Signs Greg Gumbel is Nuts - February 16, 1994

10. Has been eating nothing but Slim Jims and Gatorade 9. Every time the U.S. wins a medal, he takes off another article of clothing. 8. Asks each of his guests, "Who's fatter, me or Bryant?" 7. The parrot and eye patch 6. Signed a long-term contract with CBS Sports 5. Invested millions in line of soups called Greg Gumbo 4. Signs off each night with "Take that, you Norwegian bastards!" 3. Drank quart of Old Milwaukee and tried to extinguish Olympic torch 2. Officially changed name to Greg Gumbel-Gillooly 1. Keeps proposing to my mom

Top Ten Good Things About Not Winning A Medal - February 17, 1994

10. No problem getting through metal detector on trip home 9. Five words: Year's supply of turtle wax 8. Sure they give you the gold medal, but they make you pay plenty for the matching earrings. 7. Aren't subject to Clinton's new gold medal tax 6. Instead of being "Joe, the fastest skier in the world," it's kind of nice just to be "Dorky Ol' Joe" 5. Sympathy goes a long way with Norwegian chicks. 4. You won't get mugged for it on the D-Train. 3. Don't have to go to White House and jog with bloated president 2. Fame and wealth often inspire strangers to break into your home. 1. Gillooly won't push for a reconciliation.

Top Ten Norwegian Nicknames for Americans - February 18, 1994

10. Star-Spangled Ninnies 9. Opraholics 8 Djorks 7. Knee-Clubbers 6. Gap-Toothed T.V. Boy (Actually, that's just you, David) 5. Tommymoes 4. Nordic Track Sissies 3. Gilloolys 2. McButtheads 1. Bobbitteers

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Taping of the Jackson Family Special - February 21, 1994

10. How did Tito get the night off from Domino's? 9. Once again, please welcome the Jackson family lawyers! 8. No kidding? He's my plastic surgeon too! 7. That's odd ... I don't remember a Jackson named 'Nipsey'. 6. More fudge, Miss Taylor? 5. Siegfried-Tito, Tito-Siegfried, Roy-Tito, Tito-Roy ... 4. Good News. Brooke has agreed to continue pretending she's dating Michael. 3. What's LaToya doing with that lead pipe? 2. It's great to see Michael grabbing himself again. 1. Sing something, you weirdo!

Top Ten Olympian Pet Peeves - February 22, 1994

10. Having to spend so much time with freakin' foreigners 9. When they run out of medals and just give you a wadded-up piece of Reynolds Wrap 8. There's just not enough coverage of the Tonya/Nancy rivalry. 7. You compete, you win the gold, but Monday morning you have to be back at work at the pizza hut. 6. When Marv Albert follows you around looking for bloopers 5. Falling a few hundredths of a second short on your wedding night 4. When you're in 37th place and some moron is still screaming "Go for the Gold!" 3. You marry one of your olympic teammates and forever after your name is "Picabo Moe". 2. Getting stopped in the middle of a bobsled run by one of those squeegee guys 1. Chapped ass

Top Ten Ways to Make the Olympics More Fun - February 23, 1994

10. Let biathlon competitors shoot at each other 9. Require ski jumpers to scream "Weeeeeeeeee" as they come down 8. Automatic gold if your luge hits a moose 7. Bobsled must have four guys all named Bob. 6. New sport: Olympic ass-kissing 5. Medal ceremony includes lengthy open-mouthed kisses from Dick Button 4. Instead of counting down 3-2-1 go, count down 3-2-1 Gillooly. 3. Everyone's ice dancing partner: Willard Scott 2. Let my mom enter sledding competition. 1. More rock, less Tonya

Top Ten Tonya Harding Excuses - February 24, 1994

10. Inhaled a sequin 9. Shouldn't have had grand slam breakfast at Lillehammer Denny's 8. Was weighed down by bundles of cash from "Inside Edition" 7. Got scared by Nancy Kerrigan's giant teeth 6. Two words: Rented Skates 5. Got Pre-skate talk by Buffalo Bills coach Marv Levy 4. Couldn't compete against Dave and Paul (roll tape of Dave and Paul skating) 3. Got mixed up before competition and hit self in knee with lead pipe 2. Partying late night before with Dave's mom 1. Couldn't land the triple Gillooly

Top Ten Signs You're Tired of the Olympics - February 24, 1994

10. All that's left of your Olympic fever is a dry hacking cough. 9. You imagine your hands around the throat of that coke-drinking polar bear. 8. You say, "Oh good, 'Hangin with Mr. Cooper' is on tonight." 7. Whenever the Olympic theme music ends you find you've put another fork into the back of your hand. 6. You're NBC President Warren Littlefield. 5. You decide against naming your baby girl Picabo. 4. Your name is Bonnie Blair and you've started using your five gold medals as coasters. 3. Actually watched "The Jackson Family Honors" 2. You beg your son to let you return home to Indiana. 1. No longer laugh at the name Gillooly

Top Ten Signs Your CIA Colleague May Be a Russian Spy - February 28, 1994

10. Knows hundreds of recipes for turnips 9. Took sick day to tape "Maury Povich Show" when topic was 'I married a Russian spy' 8. Drinks Russian dressing like it's soda pop 7. At annual CIA/KGB softball game, always seems to make error that loses game for CIA 6. Keeps frozen corpse of Lenin displayed on desk 5. Takes a lot of "Souvenir Photos" of classified documents 4. When Bruce Springsteen comes on the radio, he says, "Comrade boss is good, no?" 3. Always bragging about the time he nailed Mrs. Yeltsin 2. Wears one of them big ass fuzzy hats 1. Everywhere you look: Borscht!

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Grammys - March 1, 1994

10. Flea, Sting. Sting, Flea 9. Yes, I was in Milli Vanilli. Now can I please show you to your seat? 8. If I sign up a hundred people to do a duet with Sinatra, I win a mini-bike. 7. Call 9-1-1 ... Oh, never mind, Keith Richards always looks like that. 6. I believe Cher's new lips are still covered under warranty. 5. ... And now the border collies will herd Aerosmith into a cab 4. Ice cube, Meat Loaf. Meat Loaf, Ice Cube 3. I didn't know Letterman played the fiddle. 2. Sorry Madonna -- no shirt, no shoes, no service. 1. Peabo, Picabo. Picabo, Peabo.

Top Ten Singable Names - March 2, 1994

10. Vladamir Zhirinovsky 9. Shaquille O'Neal 8. George Stephanopoulos 7. Abe Vigoda 6. Picabo Street 5. Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. 4. Morley Safer 3. Newt Gingrich 2. Jeff GilloolyAs sung by Tony Bennett: 1. Boutros Boutros-Ghali

Top Ten Nancy Kerrigan Complaints About Disney World - March 3, 1994

10. Saw enough damn foreigners at the Olympics 9. Mickey beat her out for "employee of the month" by one tenth of a point. 8. Had to share a bathroom with the country bears 7. Incompetent security allowed Jack Nicholson to attack her float with a 9-iron. 6. Pressure to star with Tonya Harding in remake of "Lady and the Tramp" 5. It's the corniest place she's ever been to. 4. She has to stand there and smile while kids whack her in the knees with plastic toy pipes. 3. Scary space mountain ride makes her giant teeth chatter. 2. Goofy sounds too much like "Gillooly" 1. Donald duck all hands

Top Ten Signs your Neighbor is a Spy - March 4, 1994

10. Begins every conversation by sayin, "Hey, you know any secrets?" 9. Bumper sticker on car fender reads: "I'd rather be spyin'" 8. After one too many drinks, asks "Want to see your FBI file?" 7. Every Halloween, gives your kids plutonium 6. He's been driving around for the last 6 months with the body of Lenin in the trunk of his Buick 5. You tell him you work for the government and the next thing you know you wake up nude in Switzerland 4. You catch him going through your garbage in a raccoon suit 3. You mention you're having problems in the bedroom, and he says, "Yeah, I know" 2. Your spot Yeltsin doing cannonballs in his pool 1. He tries to plant a bug in your pants

Top Ten Other Hillary Clinton Mistakes - March 14, 1994

10. Beating Sam Donaldson to the ground with a nine iron 9. Bought Bill these gag super short jogging shorts and now he actually wears the things! 8. Cutting off Sinatra's Grammy speech 7. Not buying deodorized litter for Socks 6. Not buying deodorized litter for Roger 5. Her lingering TV kiss with Roseanne 4. The time she got too near Bill at feed time and lost a finger 3. Introducing fiance Bill to her sexy roommate Gennifer 2. Inviting Ted Kennedy to White House for open bar 1. Not making Bill take her last name

Top Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Accountant - March 15, 1994

10. Asks you how many monies you made this year 9. The calculator he's been adding numbers on is actually a TV remote control. 8. What he calls "tax forms," most people call "paper hats." 7. Accompanies you to your audit wearing a giant bunny suit 6. Takes you aside and whispers, "Between you, me and the lamppost -- a nine's more or less the same thing as a six, right?" 5. When filling out your form, asks, "What color crayon should I use?" 4. You recognize him as the guy who played 'Horshack' on "Welcome Back, Kotter." 3. Repeatedly grabs himself and says, "Deduct this, am I right?"! 2. Tells you that strangers living in your house can be declared as dependents 1. His only other client: Willie Nelson

Top Ten Signs You've Had Too Much Coffee - March 16, 1994

10. When you call radio talkshows, they ask you to turn yourself down. 9. You're passing everybody on the freeway when suddenly you realize -- you're not in a car. 8. You run around your company board room yelling, "I've got a great idea! A Disneyworld in France! We'll call it Eurodisney" 7. You can't stop saying "No." 6. Last time you got a good night's sleep, Madonna was a virgin. 5. You're shaking like a Mexican space shuttle. 4. You jam a fork into the waiter's hand when he tries to switch your regular coffee with Folger's crystals. 3. You go nuts over a little thing like a car alarm. 2. Like our stage manager Biff Henderson, it starts to spray out of your ears. 1. You're up to four heart attacks a day.

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Academy Awards. - March 21, 1994

10. Check it out--Siskel's sitting on Ebert's lap. 9. And the winner is--Owww! paper cut!. 8. I can't believe it! That's nine Oscars for 'Sister Act II'. 7. Heads up! Jack Nicholson's got a nine iron!. 6. And now ladies and gentlemen, what you've been waiting for--that weird old coot who does the one-armed push ups!. 5. Ace Ventura Pet Detective, Ernest. Ernest, Ace Ventura Pet Detective. 4. Will that be snubbing or non-snubbing, Miss Streisand. 3. Is that another aftershock or did Marlon Brando just walk in?. 2. And the Oscar goes to Burt Reynolds for 'Cop and a Half'...just kidding Burt! Sit your silly ass down. 1. Check it out--Siskel's sitting on Ebert's lap.

Top Ten Cabbie Nicknames for Passengers - March 22, 1994

10. Vinyl Jockeys 9. Curb Monkeys 8. Suckers 7. Hail Marys 6. Americans 5. Casualties 4. Hostages 3. Dipsticks 2. Soap-a-holics 1. Fare-ies

Top Ten Slogans for the Wonder Bra - March 23, 1994

10. Breakfast for your chest 9. The quicker picker-upper 8. The bra Schwarzkopf wore in Desert Storm! 7. Up, up, and away 6. As seen on "The Golden Girls!" 5. You'll never need an airbag again! 4. Say goodbye to masking tape and staples 3. Does more lifting and separating before 3 A.M. than most bras do all day 2. Looks great, more filling 1. Leave it to cleavage!

Top Ten Signs You're in Love with Barbra Streisand - March 28, 1994

10. You see all of history as being divided into two main periods: pre-yentl and post-Yentl. 9. You refuse to buy People magazine because you think they ripped off the title from her song. 8. You're in federal prison for gluing a giant wig and fake nose onto the head of the Lincoln Memorial. 7. You come to after a huge natural gas explosion and say, "forget about me, how's Barbra Streisand?". 6. By dating her you risk destroying your marriage and your presidency. 5. You spend hours in bookstores crossing "Einstein" out of science books and writing in "Streisand". 4. Two words: restraining order. 3. The "funny lady" tattoo on your ass. 2. You write her long rambling letters about your new CBS talk show. 1. You are Barbra Streisand.

Top Ten Thoughts on the Mind of Roger Clinton's Bride - March 29, 1994

10. Maybe now's a good time to ask Roger exactly what he does for a living. 9. Oh no, I put Stephanopoulos at the children's table. 8. I can't believe that idiot brother of his wore running shorts to the wedding. 7. How much longer can I pretend to enjoy Roger's singing? 6. It could be worse, I could be marrying an untalented loser whose brother isn't the president. 5. I have made the greatest sacrifice a KGB agent can make. 4. Hey, leave some of them little cocktail weenies for the rest of us, Mr. President. 3. A Mr. Coffee from Lloyd Bentsen...that cheap b______! 2. That was nice of Bill to give us our own little plot of land up here in--what did he call it--Whitewater? 1. At least I didn't marry into the Jackson family.

Top Ten Hillary Clinton's Financial Tips - March 30, 1994

10. Don't buy furniture--borrow it from the Smithsonian. 9. Raise everybody's taxes--and start grabbin' with both hands, Chester. 8. Whatever you do don't buy land in Arkansas. 7. Three words: extra value meal. 6. Aim scud at Perot. Take a billion. 5. Buy low. Sell for $100,000. 4. Instead of expensive name brand stuffing, load your husband up on sawdust. 3. For a quick couple of bucks, lease out Socks to a medical testing lab. 2. For a quick couple of bucks, lease out Roger to a medical testing lab. 1. Scalp Streisand tickets.

Top Ten Signs it's Spring in New York - March 31, 1994

10. Street vendors change hot dog water. 9. Air is filled with 9MM, "NYC Hummingbirds". 8. Cab drivers yell "it's a lovely spring day, now get out of the road you stupid bastard!" 7. Crews begin cleaning up litter in Times Square from New Year's Eve. 6. Madonna switches from basketball to baseball players. 5. More than usual, people are mating in the streets. 4. Al Sharpton switches to a light weight medallion. 3. The coffee in stage manager Biff Henderson's head thaws. 2. Squirrels in Central Park are no longer storing crack. 1. Everywhere you look--adorable baby rats.

Top Ten Signs the Easter Bunny's Nuts - April 1, 1994

10. Hides all the eggs in his pants 9. Bite me shaved into the fur on his back 8. Last Tuesday, doctors removed 17 pounds of plastic Easter grass from his stomach. 7. Has been caught pelting cars with eggs on the Cross Bronx Expressway 6. Much like President Clinton, can only say "No, no, no, no" 5. Home filled with thousands of old bodybuilding magazines and empty cans of Spaghetti-O's 4. Despite a restraining order, still stalking Mrs. Claus 3. Claims he made $100,000 trading cattle futures without breaking any laws 2. Every time he hops he falls on his ass. 1. Booked Madonna on his talk show

Top Ten Ways the Mets Can Improve - April 4, 1994

10. Simple team rule: No hits. No pancakes. 9. Set goals lower and try to make Little League World Series 8. Curry favor with umpire by helping him make huge profit in cattle futures 7. Chewing tobacco with steroids 6. Get rid of Darryl Strawberry 5. Bench entire team, give bat to trained monkey 4. Maximum two arrests per season for all players 3. Hire ghost of Ty Cobb to hang around dugout and give out kicks in the ass 2. Throw opposing pitcher off his game by using F-word 13 times 1. Across-the-board 25% reduction in sucking

Top Ten Ways Charles Kuralt Will Spend His Retirement - April 5, 1994

10. Move to Seattle, get a band together 9. He's the new super on "Melrose Place." 8. Just wait quietly at home for Kuraltmania to sweep the country 7. Driving around rest home in a golfcart flicking lights "on" and "off" 6. Watering and trimming Andy Rooney's eyebrows 5. Twelve hours a day making macaroni and cheese, 12 hours a day eating macaroni and cheese 4. Three words: Rap video cameos 3. Start up RV. Sit in driveway. Drink beer. Repeat. 2. Get totally buffed and then kick some ass on "American Gladiators" 1. Cruisin' for babes with Walter Cronkite

Top Ten Surprises in the Clinton's Old Tax Returns - April 6, 1994

10. Socks spent more than $1,000 a year in office supplies. 9. Lost $50,000 investing in specialty clothing store called "Big Bubba's" 8. In 1978, under "occupation," wrote "ambitious hillbilly" 7. Claimed thighs as dependents 6. From 1978 to '92, filed a W-2 with Gennifer Flowers 5. Hillary made $100,000 from picking up discarded soda bottles. 4. President Clinton reported extra income wrestling under the name "The Arkansas Fat Boy." 3. Large donations to American French fry manufacturers association 2. Took obscure deduction for brother Roger as a "mentally feeble house pet" 1. President Clinton's real name ... Susan

Top Ten Ways to Annoy an I.R.S. Agent - April 7, 1994

10. Instead of I.R.S., pronounce it "IRS" 9. Whenever he starts using his calculator, start yelling out a bunch of numbers. 8. Tape all your receipts up into a giant ball and then whip it at his head. 7. Pour a jar of honey of your W-2, let a bear loose in his office. 6. Be Leona Helmsley. 5. Tell him: "You know who makes a lot of money? That Oprah." 4. Keep saying, "1040, good buddy!" 3. Whenever he disallows a deduction, say "Oh, Mr. Gotti isn't going to like that..." 2. List his wife under "entertainment expenses." 1. Keep yelling "Hey, audit this!"

Top Ten Good Things about Having Madonna on your Talk Show - April 8, 1994

10. The host can sit back, relax and let the censors do all the work. 9. It's just a pleasure to match wits with a genuine conversationalist of the old school. 8. For the first time, you truly understand why Sean Penn went nuts. 7. She'll frighten any remaining rats out of the theater. 6. 13 in a row, commercial-free obscenities. 5. Two words: free underpants. 4. Even the ghost of Ed Sullivan gets some action. 3. You get to spend more time with her than if you were just having sex. 2. Brings in that much sought-after dirt bag audience. 1. It makes your mom proud

Top Ten Excuses For Filing Your Taxes Late - April 18, 1994

10. Thought late fees would make a nice deduction 9. H Block finished on time, but R Block was a little slow. 8. Finished entire Pepperidge Farm chocolate layer cake; got sleepy 7. Think about it: The longer you make the I.R.S. wait for your returns, the more excited they'll be when they finally get 'em! 6. Was busy playing ping pong with Carol Channing 5. Still waiting to hear from Ed McMahon about that million dollar thing 4. Got nasty paper cut from 1040 form, passed out for three days from blood loss 3. Math is real hard, dude. 2. I was working around-the-clock to try and keep Tom and Roseanne together. 1. My friend Leona said I didn't have to.

Top Ten Reasons Why Tom and Roseanne are Divorcing - April 19, 1994

10. Both no longer fit in one house. 9. Tom tired of her coattails, wants to try new coattails 8. Ran out of body space for new tattoos 7. Tom actually getting better ratings on TV than in bed 6. She's nuts; he's nuts -- it was inevitable! 5. Tom felt it was time to prove he could fail on his own. 4. Tom kept leaving the cap off the giant tube of cake icing. 3. Tom's friend Letterman keeps busting up their furniture with a chainsaw. 2. Never recovered from horror of seeing each other naked 1. Who cares?

Top Ten Questions President Clinton Was Asked by Teens on MTV - April 20, 1994

10. Will your health-care plan cover a wicked hangover? 9. Can you make a law that they have to play more U2 videos? 8. Where's the sax, Tubby? 7. How do you keep your thighs so pasty white? 6. Does Gennifer Flowers wear boxers or briefs? 5. Is it true you wanted to remove your pants and call this Clinton Unplugged? 4. Hey, like, what's with that Gore dude? 3. This 'United States' you keep mentioning -- is that like a band or something? 2. Wow -- How'd you get your ass into those shorts? 1. Where's Beavis, Butthead?

Top Ten President Clinton's Recurring Nightmares - April 21, 1994

10. It's a gigantic town hall meeting, and everyone is Sam Donaldson. 9. For some reason, everyone starts calling him "Mr. Dukakis." 8. Drifting in a lifeboat with Richard Simmons 7. People find out about that old Whitewater deal. 6. During press conference, can't stop saying (no). 5. Something to do with Gore in a sundress and pumps 4. He's in an operating room and surgeon is Socks, and he's still steamed about being neutered. 3. Some dweeb with a lame talk show will keep making fun of my love of French fries. 2. Can't get Streisand tickets 1. Can't get Streisand.

Top Ten Reasons Tom and Roseanne are Getting Back Together April 22, 1994

10. Tom made a really delicious sandwich. 9. To show off their new "Hey, we reconciled!" tattoos 8. According to pre-nuptial agreement, divorce would have meant caning in Singapore 7. Well, it's not for more publicity, that's for sure. You can bet the house on that, Jim! 6. She loves how before coming to bed he kicks his underwear onto his head. 5. Every time one of them tried to storm out, (he, she) got wedged in the door frame. 4. She's the cheese, he's the eggs; together they're a love omelette. 3. A heartfelt plea from Boutros-Boutros Ghali 2. A heartfelt plea from Pizza Hut, Inc. 1. Gravity

Top Ten Singapore Tourist Slogans April 25, 1994

10. You'll never sit down again! 9. Singapore -- Spanking clean! 8. Screw with us, and we'll beat the crap out of you! 7. Singapore -- It's canerific! 6. Yeeeeee-ouuuuuuch! 5. We'll spray-paint any car for $99.95! 4. Give us a week, and we'll take off the flesh! 3. Drop your pants, round-eyes! 2. You can bet your ass you'll have fun! 1. Bend over!

Top Ten Easiest Jobs in the World April 26, 1994

10. Fan mail coordinator for Jermaine Jackson 9. Academy Award acceptance speech writer for that "Hey Vern" guy 8 Coordinator of World Series victory parades, city of Cleveland 7. CBS talk-show weenie 6. Whatever the hell Morty does 5. Mike Tyson's travel agent 4. Ointment salesman in Singapore 3. Selling French fries to President Clinton 2. Executive in charge of arranging Madonna's future LATE SHOW appearances 1. Loving Oprah

Top Ten Secretary's Complaints About Me - April 27, 1994

10. The way I'm always borrowing her white-out to paint my fingernails 9. My strict "No talking" policy during "The Montel Williams Show" 8. Having to feed the squirrel that lives in my hair 7. I'm just too damn goofy-lookin' to take seriously. 6. Every morning from 8:00 to 10:00, it's ping-pong with Ms. Carol Channing. 5. The unbearable stench of Vicks Vaporub and cheddar cheese 4. About three hundred times a day, I buzz her on the intercom and shout, "Breaker 109, good buddy." 3. When I'm out of town, I have that woman break into her house. 2. I frequently walk around the office in nothing but a Menendez wig. 1. The daily canings

Top Ten Signs You've Chosen a Bad Plastic Surgeon - April 28, 1994

10. Your nose is attached with velcro. 9. In the operating room, you notice a lot of cans of Play-doh. 8. Your new cheek implants feel suspiciously like ketchup packets. 7. Paper bags with eyeholes for sale in the reception area 6. His waiting room is crawling with Jacksons. 5. After several minutes in the sun your forehead melts. 4. At first visit, he nervously asks, "You didn't see '60 Minutes' last Sunday, did you?" 3. The last thing you hear as you go under anesthetic is, "Sweet dreams, Mr. Face-on-your-ass!" 2. You're a guy, you go in for a nose job, and you come out a 36 Triple D. 1. Your name is Cher.

Top Ten Features of the New Boeing 777 - April 29, 1994

10. Special emergency exit for fat guys 9. Instead of oxygen masks, bags of candy drop down. 8. Just for fun, every seat is numbered "16-D." 7. To make travel more exciting: an unfasten pants sign 6. Extra padding on the seat for American tourists returning from Singapore 5. If on-board slot machine shows 7-7-7, you get extra biscuits with dinner. 4. Flapping wings and a big quacking duck beak 3. Video cameras so passengers can prove they've joined Mile High Club 2. Every 10 minutes, cabin fills with nitrous oxide. 1. Seats twice as many as Madonna's bedroom

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Graduate - May 2, 1994

10. Cafeteria workers ask, "Anything particular you'd like to eat next semester?" 9. In essay on Civil War you wrote about Tom and Roseanne break-up 8. When you raise your hand in class, the teacher says, "Save it for next year." 7. Instead of cap and gown, you're issued a McDonald's uniform. 6. Your name is Ed Johnson, you're sitting in our audience, and you failed your organic chemistry final. 5. You're a student at Clown College, and Professor Bozo confiscates your big red shoes. 4. While I'm reading this list, you've already nodded your head at least three times. 3. You're spending too much time with your boyfriend Woody Allen. 2. Your essays are filled with words you've heard Madonna use. 1. You've been in the 8th grade since 1961.

Top Ten Signs Your Local 7-Eleven Manager Has Gone Nuts - May 3, 1994

10. Has named his two children "7" and "Eleven" 9. Constantly mooning his own security camera 8. Sleeps in back of store on a big pile of loose cheese doodles 7. Claims to be engaged to the cardboard cut-out of Kathy Ireland holding a six-pack of Bud 6. You come in wearing neither a shirt nor shoes, and yet he gives you service. 5. His freezer case is full of dead woodchucks. 4. Operates store two blocks from White House and doesn't sell fries 3. You catch him in front of the microwave with his pants down. 2. Cleans assault rifle while grumbling about "Those bastards over at Kwik Mart." 1. He keeps caning the burritos.

Top Ten Names For The Rolling Stones' Tour - May 4, 1994

10. Van Full of Grandpas 9. The Rolling Stones Live Plus Keith Richards 8. Guitar-Playin' Geezers 7. Brown Sugar and Lots of Bran 6. Metamusic 5. The "140 Million In the Bank Isn't Enough" Tour 4. Cocoon 3 3. Hey! You! Get Offa My Barcalounger! 2. "Instruments Hooked Up to the Clapper" Tour 1. Grumpy Old Men

Top Ten Chapter Titles in Dan Quayle's Book - May 5, 1994

10. The Night I Got My Head Stuck in the White House Coke Machine 9. Pages for You to Color 8. The Woman Inside Me 7. Pop Tarts Is Tasty 6. Letterman: The Other Indiana Dumb Guy 5. The Time I Met President Bush 4. Pants Full of Macaroni! 3. Chapter Twoe 2. Which Is Lower: My Golf Handicap or My I.Q.? 1. The Year I Found Waldo

Top Ten Boutros Boutros-Ghali Pick-up Lines - May 6, 1994

10. Can I can I buy you a drink a drink? 9. The nations are united -- why not you and me? 8. I'm the man so nice they named me twice! 7. I'm so depressed about the unstable world situation that I really don't think I should spend tonight alone 6. You were fabulous in 'Basic Instinct,' Ms. Stone 5. It must be fate -- you don't have any boutroses, and I've got one to spare! 4. I have the complete line of general foods international coffees back at my place 3. In your honor, I'm declaring 1994 the international year of the babe 2. Want to have sex, Madonna? 1. I've got a peacekeeping force in my pants

Top Ten Reasons We're Doing Late Show in Los Angeles - May 9, 1994

10. New York was shut down for a really good cleaning. 9. Wanted to be closer to my nephews Lyle and Erik 8. Ed Sullivan Theater filled with rats the size of ponies 7. We're hoping to see Jack Nicholson go nuts on the freeway with a nine iron. 6. Madonna is in New York. 5. Time difference means I can stay up three hours later playing with my kitties. 4. Needed to give woman who keeps breaking into my house some time to herself 3. I had to come clean Johnny Carson's pool. 2. Wanted to be first to get speeding ticket on newly reopened Santa Monica Freeway 1. Three words: It's bitchin' dude.

Top Ten Surfer Pet Peeves - May 10, 1994

10. Dudes who ain't bitchin' 9. Some wise guy changes the wax you normally use with Folger's Crystals. 8. When Dr. Kevorkian hangs 10 7. Over 200 years of so-called democracy, and not one surfing president! 6. Every time the Federal Reserve gets overcautious about inflation and stifles the economy by raising interest rates, dude. 5. When you catch an amazing wave and realize your trunks have caught a different wave. 4. Seniors day at the nude beach. 3. When Letterman eats your entire supply of surf board wax. 2. Four words: Sand in your ass. 1. Getting mouth-to-mouth from David Hasselhoff.

Top Ten Signs that Richard Simmons Is Nuts - May 11, 1994

10. Recently found naked on San Diego freeway playing solitaire with his deal a meal cards 9. Loses weight by pulling his own teeth 8. He's suing President Clinton for sexual harassment. 7. The other day he beat a fat guy senseless with a skillet. 6. Seen driving around with his blue convertible full of hookers and beer 5. I see him sweating, but I don't hear no oldies. 4. Eats sticks of butter like they were carrots 3. Just look at this (footage of Richard Simmons' "Sweatin' to the Oldies"). 2. Suzanne Somers found in a ditch with a thighmaster wrapped around her neck 1. Has been spray painting cars in Singapore.

Top Ten Things L.A. Dumb Guys Say - May 12, 1994

10. This sunblock tastes funny. 9. If Disneyland works here, it'll work in France. 8. Let's have James Caan on the show - he'll be great. 7. If you give me a canned ham, I'll take off my pants. 6. Welcome to the program, my name is Dave Letterman. 5. It's the big one! It's the big one! Oh, wait a second - I'm sitting on the washing machine. 4. I sure did like seein' Dave arm wrestle that giant squirrel. 3. How the hell am I supposed to solve the puzzle with all them letters missin'? 2. Don't worry, Lyle -- they'll never suspect us. 1. How do you spell L.A.?

Top Ten Things We'll Miss About L.A. - May 13, 1994

10. My hairpiece glue dries faster in the warm California sun. 9. Carjackers who say "please" and "thank you" 8. Swimmin' pools. Movie stars. 7. Eating Fatburgers with a happenin' lady 6. Two words: James Caan 5. Woman who keeps breaking into my hotel room always leaves a mint. 4. Hangin' 10 with my main dude, Paul 3. Bob Barker spaying and neutering entire staff for free 2. Bitchin' keggers with Erik and Lyle 1. Drive-by mudslides

Top Ten Reasons We're Glad to be Back in New York - May 16, 1994

10. Miss the tangy taste of Hudson River drinking water 9. Nobody rubs up against you on the L.A. subway. 8. May is "Clothing Optional Month" in Central Park. 7. Two more days and I'd be married to Liz Taylor. 6. Get cheap applause just for mentioning New York City 5. I was a little creeped out by our bellhops, Lyle and Erik. 4. Two Words: James Caan 3. Got tired of eating burgers with Zsa Zsa Gabor 2. Our middle fingers were starting to lose muscle tone. 1. We missed the rats.

Top Ten New Margarine Slogans - May 17, 1994

10. I can't believe it's not healthy. 9. Little pats of poison 8. You can't spell margarine without angina. 7. Pure chemical satisfaction! 6. Thought you were healthy? Well guess again Pepe! 5. For external use only 4. Which are you gonna believe -- boring laboratory studies, or cool TV commercials? 3. Give us a week, and we'll shut off your heart. 2. Elvis ate it, why don't you? 1. Mmm, mmm, dead!

Top Ten Signs There Are Too Many Rats in New York City - May 18, 1994

10. On every other block there's a "Gap for rats." 9. Often caught trying to mate with the mayor's hairpiece 8. It's practically impossible to reserve a table at any really filthy restaurant. 7. One's producing the show! 6. Average cab driver has at least three of them in his turban 5. Personals filled with ads like: "Furry four-legged male cheese lover seeking mate." 4. Your dinner is being bussed away from your table -- and the busboy is nowhere in sight! 3. Who cares -- let's take another look at that surfin' cat! 2. Al Sharpton seen wearing one on a gold chain around his neck 1. Roaches starting to complain

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Long Distance Company - May 19, 1994

10. All calls are $2 for the first minute, $94 each additional minute 9. Operator makes you describe what you're wearing 8. Their so-called "dial tone" is just a guy with a kazoo 7. You can only place long distance calls during an electrical storm 6. They bill you for calls made by some guy named Pepe, and when you complain they say, "whatsa problem, man, you no like Pepe?" 5. Whenever you call their office, you hear gunfire 4. For some reason, your phone doesn't work unless you're wearing 3-D glasses 3. Everyone you talk to sounds like the guy at the drive-thru window at McDonald's 2. No matter what number you dial, you always get Richard Simmons 1. Their slogan is: "Reach out and touch yourself"

Top Ten Signs Your Kid Watches Too Much T.V. - May 20, 1994

10. Instead of coughing, emits short bursts of static 9. Constantly murdering people in hopes of meeting Angela Lansbury 8. Most T.V. commercials have begun addressing him by name 7. You can adjust his volume using the remote control 6. He's seen Tom Arnold's show 5. Room covered with giant poster of shirtless Bob Barker 4. The poor little bastard's got Koppel hair 3. Steals batteries from your pacemaker to put in remote control 2. He's 6, and his ass covers entire couch 1. Always answers in the form of a questions

Top Ten Good Things About the Biologically Engineered Tomato - May 23,1994

10. It's the size of North Dakota 9. Doubles as a regulation major league baseball 8. Can toss itself in a salad 7. Imagine your favorite pizza. Okay, now imagine your favorite pizza mowing your lawn! 6. The taste? Biological-icious! 5. Ripens in minutes using an ordinary blow dryer 4. First step toward biologically engineered B.L.T. 3. Actually shouts: "Hey! I'm getting overripe, you idiot!" 2. Dan Quayle's best-selling book? Ghost-written by a tomato 1. Has a nice, firm handshake

Top Ten Announcements That Will Make This Audience Cheer Wildly - May 24, 1994

10. Hillary Clinton bought cattle futures for everyone! 9. We're raising the temperature in this theater to 40 degrees! 8. Jack Nicholson just caned the Menendez Brothers with a nine iron! 7. We're moving the show to Fox! 6. See that guy sitting in the third row wearing the Chicago Bull T-shirt? Paul Shaffer will now toss him out. 5. You can have all your fancy foreigner, give me the good old USA! 4. Dumb guys have just crowned Dan Quayle as their king! 3. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Regis Philbin in a tank top 2. Angela Lansbury is having my baby! 1. I'm drunk!

Top Ten New CBS Slogans - May 25, 1994

10. CBS = Could Be Sold 9. More powerful than the weather channel! 8. You're watching CBS...at least for another week or two 7. We're number 4! 6. Hey we still have a station in Tennessee! 5. If you'll bring your talk show here, we'll sell all our stations! 4. In case anyone cares, we've still got Andy Rooney! 3. You can't spell "Bumbling Executives" without C-B-S! 2. El Tella Vizzy own de crapo! 1. CBS, Now on Fox!

Top Ten Signs Hillary Clinton is Running for President - May 26, 1994

10. Jogging shorts getting shorter and shorter 9. During press conferences stands behind Bill and makes "He's nuts" hand gestures 8. Has been practicing dropping her pants in front of White House staffers 7. Vote for Hillary found shaved into the fur of Socks the cat 6. Lately she's been eating more french fries than Bill 5. Has been encouraging Gennifer Flowers to have affairs with potential Republican opponents 4. Bill: "Good Morning, dear" -- Hillary: "You're goin' dowwwn, sucker!" 3. She's lined up Tony Randall to sing at her Inaugural Ball 2. Keeps barging into Oval office and hollering, "Bubba, get your fat ass outta my chair!" 1. Refers to Bill as "the First Lady"

Top Ten Late show Leftovers - May 27, 1994

10. Dave feeds bologna to a rabid badger 9. Dave goes through airport security 8. Paul hails a cab 7. Dave dances with Barbara Walters 6. Dave and Paul as Erik and Lyle Menendez 5. Dave and chef Jacques Pepin saute' artichokes 4. Wrecking ball mishap 3. Dave dances with a New York City cab driver 2. Dave's mom turns a garden hose on the camera 1. Surfin' Kitty

Top Ten Ways People Mispronounce Rostenkowski - June 6, 1994

10. Rostenglicky 9. Kowstenroski 8. Kowazaki 7. Rocstonekowski 6. Rostbrucehornsby 5. Rusty Jet Ski 4. Don Rostenkowski 3. Mujubar and Sirajulkowski 2. Boutros Boutros-Kowski 1. Rostenguilty

Top Ten Bob Barker Pickup Lines - June 7, 1994

10. Come back to my place so I can give you a lovely parting gift. 9. Baby, you're the next contestant in the game of love. 8. The next item up for bid is in my pants! 7. How'd you like a years supply of Turtle Wax? 6. I've made thousands of women scream and jump up and down. 5. Please have dinner with me. I'm a very lonely man. 4. Maybe it'll be easier for you to guess the price of the waterbed if we test it out first. 3. Don't worry--I've been neutered. 2. Have another sip of that 99-cent malt liquor, take off those 30-dollar shoes and let's get it on! 1. Come on down.

Top Ten Least Popular Summer Jobs - June 8, 1994

10. Dan Rostenkowski's public relations guy 9. Mopping up at the gym after "Sweatin' to the Oldies" class 8. Ed Asner's lotion boy 7. Consumer testing Dr. Kevorkian's suicide slurpee 6. Hockey player for the Vancouver Canucks after they lose to the Stanley Cup-winning New York Rangers 5. Sunoco gasoline taster 4. Assistant to clumsy janitor who works in the research lab studying that flesh-eating virus 3. Babysitting the Menendez Brothers 2. ZZ Top beard de-tangler 1. The guy who checks Ebert for ticks

Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Guy to Put in Your Swimming Pool - June 9, 1994

10. Shallow end: 3 feet -- Deep end: 600 feet 9. Wears inflatable pool toy around his waist at all times 8. Ever since the concrete was poured you haven't seen your cat. 7. Asks "Do you mind if I work naked?" 6. Claims he used to be a congressman and demands to be paid in stamps. 5. You ask for a kidney-shaped pool and wake up without a kidney 4. Fills the pool by drinking a case of beer and letting "nature do her thing" 3. Instead of working, spends day boasting about how he used to be married to Roseanne 2. Only two choices for the shape of the pool: Siskel or Ebert 1. Keeps drinking the chlorine

Top Ten Ways Clinton Can Improve His Approval Rating - June 10, 1994

10. Change name to "Clintstone" 9. At press conferences, respond to every question by pumping his fist and screaming, "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" 8. Give the dude an awesome moto-cross bike then have him do the ultimate wheely on White House Lawn 7. Two words: President Doubtfire 6. Just quit doin' all that weird illegal stuff that nobody understands 5. Step one: Learn how to make balloon animals. Step two: lower voting age to 3. 4. Execute Donahue live on TV 3. Just once, in public, turn to Hillary and yell, "Pipe down, woman!" 2. Drop everything and go coast-to-coast with a couple of guys from Bangladesh 1. Cane Rostenkowski

Top Ten Things Overheard at the State Dinner Honoring Emperor Akihito - June 13, 1994

10. Greetings, Bubba-san 9. So you see, instead of being called 'Akihito,' you'd be called 'Akihitostone.' 8. Cool! Reagan's daughter centerfold placemats!" 7. Miss Reno, watch out for the ... (thwack) ... ceiling fan. 6. I'm sorry -- I can't find a 'Paula Jones' on the guest list, ma'am. 5. President Clinton, have you ever done any sumo wrestling? 4. When can we meet Urkel? 3. Emperor Akihito, Mujibur and Sirajul 2. Don't you think you've had enough saki, Senator Kennedy? 1. Run for your life! It's Bush -- and he looks queasy!

Top Ten Signs There Are Too Many People - June 14, 1994

10. Rhode Island phone book weighs more than a full-grown elephant. 9. It's impossible to sneeze without hitting a guy name "Joe." 8. There are so many extra people that Donahue can start killin' em on TV. 7. Constant deafening whoosh of more than five billion people breathing 6. I can't even call up and get two tickets to a lousy hockey game for Ray and Steve. 5. Every square foot of Nebraska packed with crying babies 4. On dollar bill, a couple of guys peering over Washington's shoulder 3. Surgeon general planning to take warnings off cigarette packages 2. As of last week, two women breaking into my house 1. Now two-year wait to date Madonna

Top Ten Advantages of Being Executed on 'Donahue' - June 15, 1994

10. Might get to check out one last big busted stripper before you die 9. Tough questions from audience good warm up for judgment day 8. The show's make-up and hair people send you off looking damn good. 7. If the electric chair doesn't kill you, Phil's cologne will! 6. Unlike with Oprah, you don't have to worry about Phil stealin' your last meal. 5. If some guy in the audience starts yelling at you, you can go ahead and kill him -- I mean, what have you got to lose? 4. The kids who picked on you in high school will be really jealous when they see you on TV. 3. His big, fluffy, white hair will remind you of the clouds in heaven. 2. Get to make some last minute endorsement cash by announcing that after you die you're going to Disneyworld 1. Don't have to watch the second half of the show

Top Ten Signs Ben Has Gone Nuts - June 16, 1994

10. Has started calling himself "Jerry" 9. Latest batch of "Cherry Garcia" contains beard fragments and guitar picks 8. On way out of work each day, yells, "So long ice cream, daddy'll be back tomorrow!" 7. Recently accused North Korea of stockpiling chocolate chips 6. Has been stalking Mister Softee 5. In private ceremony, married both Baskin and Robbins 4. Just got "lick me" tattoo 3. Walks around nude except for a well-placed waffle cone 2. Asked to be executed on "Donahue" 1. The expiration date on his ass

Top Ten Signs The President Is About to Fire You - June 18, 1994

10. At state dinners, you have to sit at the children's table. 9. He won't let you take a helicopter to go play golf. 8. Your office is the new location for Socks' litter box. 7. Vice President Al Gore grabs you by the necktie, drags you behind the White House toolshed and beats the bejeezus out of you. 6. When you ask for a raise, he says (tape of Clinton saying "no" repeatedly) 5. You're an Arkansas state trooper and you don't know any hot babes. 4. Whenever he returns from McDonald's, he brings you back a job application. 3. Every time you say something, he whips a corn dog at your head. 2. When you give him the latest unemployment figures, he asks, 'Does that include you?' 1. You've pissed off Hillary.

Top Ten Signs It's Too Damn Hot - June 20, 1994

10. Kids using asphalt instead of play-doh 9. Empire State Building all droopy and bent 8. Before telling me the temperature, my thermometer said, 'Dave, my friend, maybe you'd better sit down...' 7. Hotdogs sold by New York City sidewalk vendors are almost warm. 6. Heat stroke makes you so delirious you find World Cup soccer exciting. 5. Normally patient and polite New Yorkers actually getting a little testy 4. Temperature in Ed Sullivan Theater up to stifling 44 degrees 3. Siskel sweating as much as Ebert 2. Every chance we get, Paul and I go surfing. 1. Larry King wearing nothing but suspenders

Top Ten Rejected Titles for the Movie 'Speed' - June 21, 1994

10. The Speedstones 9. Jurassic Park 2: The Exploding Busosaurus 8. Honey, I Drove the Kids Really Fast on a Bus 7. Faster, Bob Barker is Chasing Us! 6. Creepy Guy in the Window 5. Debbie Does Greyhound (Times Square Only) 4. El Autobus Muy, Muy Rapido 3. Dave Letterman's Drive to Work 2. That Whacky Big-Ass Bus 1. Mrs. Busfire

Top Ten Michael Fay's Vacation Tips - June 22, 1994

10. Take time to learn local graffiti laws. 9. Before choosing country for vacation, research their attitude toward jerky Americans. 8. Pick up souvenir t-shirt: "My parents went to Singapore and all I got was a lousy caning". 7. Pack light--two colors of spray paint should be plenty. 6. When the guy's about to cane you, try bribing him with candy--butt whackers love candy. 5. Know how to scream in a variety of languages. 4. Even if you haven't been caned, you might want to try stuffing your shorts full of styrofoam peanuts. 3. Don't forget to tip your prison guards when checking out. 2. Bring along a box of ass sized band-aids. 1. Two words: titanium pants

Top Ten Ways to Make World Cup Soccer More Exciting - June 23, 1994

10. Let 'em use their damn hands! 9. Replace ball with round pinata filled with killer bees. 8. Put one of them speedin' buses on the field. 7. Give one guy on each team a powerful jet pack. 6. Have Madonna inflate the ball. 5. Three words: Naked penalty kicks. 4. Instead of 22 players, one ball, one player and 22 woodchucks. 3. Make nets out of sexy black lingerie from Victoria's Secret 2. Score a goal, do a shot. 1. Losing team executed on "Donahue"

Top Ten Summer Movies in Times Square - June 24, 1994

10. Jurassic Pork 9. Caning Miss Daisy 8. Sissy's Slickers 7. Big Buddha 6. The Bob Barker Story 5. Yabba Debbie Do 4. The Loin King 3. Four Weddings, A Funeral and a Bottle of Baby Oil 2. When a Man Loves Another Man Dressed Up as a Woman 1. The Buttstones

Top Ten Signs Your Lifeguard Is Nuts - June 27, 1994

10. Instead of a whistle, uses a tuba 9. Can't say the word "buoy" without laughing hysterically 8. You see him stuffing his trunks with jellyfish 7. Sits with back to the ocean 6. Just married a C.P.R. dummy 5. The gold crown and the flowing velvet cape 4. Sees a guy drowning and says, "sorry, pal -- I just ate lunch, so I've got to wait half an hour." 3. Breakfast, lunch and dinner -- chlorine 2. She keeps breaking into David Hasselhoff's house. 1. He's wearing nothing but a whistle.

Top Ten Least Popular Tourist Attractions - June 29, 1994

10. Six Flags over Newark 9. Al Sharpton's Hall of Medallions 8. The magnificent algae forest of Willie Nelson's bathtub 7. Shea Stadium 6. Senator Packwood's House of Hands 5. The Regis de Milo 4. Singapore 3. The Grand Ole Oprah 2. Bob Barker's pants flume 1. Eurodisney

Top Ten Ways CBS Will Be Different After Merging With QVC - June 30, 1994

10. You know that stopwatch on "60 Minutes"? It's yours for $49.95. 9. Many things will change, but Connie Chung will still be married to that dweeb named Maury. 8. I'll get paid in cubic zirconias. 7. Once per episode of "Murder She Wrote", Jessica will look right at the camera and yell, "we got blenders for sale". 6. Fox executives will be able to call in and buy whatever sports CBS has left. 5. The CBS eye logo and the QVC chipmunk logo will be combined into a spooky eye-chipmunk creature. 4. No matter what, we'll still be working for TV weasels. 3. Little number in corner of screen will go up every time Bob Barker scores. 2. During "Evening News", Dan Rather sells the pants right off his ass. 1. Goodbye, "Tiffany Network"--hello, "K-Mart Network".

Top Ten Things George Washington Would Say If He Were Alive Today - July 1, 1994

10. Hey, that Donahue guy stole my wig! 9. You need some I.D.? How 'bout this dollar? 8. I'm on the single and that fat kite-flying weasel Ben Franklin is on the hundred? 7. Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett? 6. No, I'm not Barbara Bush. 5. I'm the first president of the U.S.; what do you mean I can't get Streisand tickets? 4. Did you see 'Seinfeld' last night? That Kramer is a riot! 3. Ben Franklin? Gay. 2. Would you please get your hands off Martha, Mr. Barker? 1. My god -- Sam Dondaldson is annoying!

Top Ten Reasons the U.S. Is the Best Country on Earth - July 4, 1994

10. No dress code 9. We've invented this cool holiday where all we do is blow up stuff. 8. Even a really, really dumb guy can host a talk show. 7. Guess what nation drank the most root beer last year? France? Think again, buddy! 6. Barney can beat the crap out of Mr. Blobby. 5. You can go to any Gap and try on as many pants as you want. 4. In other countries, you have to choose between breakfast and lunch. In America, we've got a little something called "brunch." 3. Even a swollen-faced hillbilly can become president. 2. We're on the cutting edge of Thighmaster technology 1. Life, liberty, and Oprah

Top Ten U.S. Soccer Team Excuses - July 5, 1994

10. Got a hold of some bad World Cup chowder 9. Kept getting heckled by Spike Lee 8. Brazilians released horrible stinging bugs from the rain forest 7. Really sleepy from stuff in "Good Luck" gift basket sent by Dwight Gooden 6. Remembered we're Americans and that it's OK to suck at soccer if you're American 5. Afraid if we beat Brazil, Brazilians would get depressed, not work as hard, and coffee prices would go up 4. Us: Players named Jim. Them: Players named Pablo. You figure it out, Sherlock. 3. Who can think about a dumb game when Sirajul and Mujibur are going coast-to-coast? 2. Goalie distracted when he saw his wife sitting with Bob Barker 1. Everywhere we looked -- Brazilians!

Top Ten Rejected QVC Items - July 6, 1994

10. Cuckoo clock that every hour says "Buy more junk" 9. The Andy Rooney eyebrow rake 8. Donahue wig and glasses combo 7. Audio cassette of Dan Rather making prank phone calls to neighbors 6. Dwight Gooden's mystery package 5. Dave Letterman's collection of wrestling magazines 4. Half-finished sodas from around the QVC offices 3. New York City cab driver scented air freshener 2. The Bob Barker home neutering kit 1. Cubic craponia

Top Ten Pet Peeves of the World's Wealthiest Man - July 7, 1994

10. Can never get change for a billion 9. Way your kids snicker whenever you say "Money doesn't grow on trees" 8. Demi Moore won't really sleep with you for a million dollars. 7. Shoplifting not as exciting as it used to be 6. While making a deposit at the bank, Spike Lee heckles you. 5. On birthday, getting yet another "World's wealthiest man" coffee mug 4. There isn't some ultra-expensive top grade of Kraft macaroni and cheese for the super-rich. 3. Always finding Robin Leach passed out in your hot tub 2. Constantly being asked out by Tom Arnold 1. Can't afford Streisand tickets

Top Ten Ways the U.S. Would Be Different If the Next President Were a Dog - July 8, 1994

10. Doggy door on oval office 9. At press conferences, instead of "Mr. President," reporters would shout, "Here fella!" 8. Goodbye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal 7. Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant 6. U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy 5. Public enemy #1: That neutering bastard Bob Barker 4. Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon 3. Country really run by dog's smarter poodle wife 2. Here's your new national anthem: (videotape of dog barking x-mas jingle) 1. One word: sausage-gate

Top Ten Rejected Neil Armstrong Moon Landing Lines - July 18, 1994

10. One small step for man. Ten million frequent flyer miles for me. 9. When I spit, it floats upward. 8. This is the corniest thing I've ever done. 7. A special thank you to a youngster named Dave Letterman who knit us the lovely space socks. 6. Hey, I can see Rush Limbaugh from here! 5. Are you watching, Dorothy Shinbach? Would you go to the prom with me now Dorothy Shinbach? 4. I'm taking one giant leak for mankind. 3. Goooaalllll! 2. I'm Mr. Galakawitz. You mean Dr. Galakawitz. Yes I am. 1. Aieee! Moon weasels!

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Presley Wedding - July 19, 1994

10. Family to the left, plastic surgeons to the right 9. She could've used a little more of his eye-liner. 8. I bet they didn't have to get married. 7. I'll have to ask you to check your snake at the door, La Toya. 6. I'm sorry, I can't find a Brooke Shields on the guest list, ma'am. 5. There's that strange whirring sound again -- as if some deceased rock star were spinning in his grave. 4. I got you some his and hers towels. Split 'em up however you like. 3. I'm Mr. Tito Jackson. You mean Dr. Tito Jackson? Yes I am. 2. Ahhh! The ghost of Elvis is eating all the cake -- oh, it's just Liz Taylor. 1. I just heard on the weather channel -- hell froze over.

Top Ten Rejected CBS 12:30 Shows - July 20, 1994

10. The Courtship of Elvis' Daughter 9. Larry King Pantsless 8. Rescue 411--Directory Assistance Operators in Trouble 7. Some Weird Old Cable Dude with Giant Sideburns ("I'm sorry-that one wasn't rejected") 6. Dave Letterman's World of Animal Noises 5. Dan Rather Reads the News in a Jamaican Accent 4. Bob Barker's Love Connection 3. Big and Tall Models, Inc. 2. Can a Guy in a Bear Suit Nail Madonna? 1. Pajama Party with Lyle and Erik

Top Ten Ways to Tell that the NYC Cop Arresting you is a Playboy Playmate - July 21, 1994

10. Grills you for two hours about your "turn ons" and "turn offs" 9. Tells you, "You have a right to remain naked" 8. Her badge number is 38 double "D" 7. She restrains you with her cleavage 6. For the first time in your life, you enjoy being handcuffed 5. When she signs her name on your summons, dots "I"s with a happy face 4. Says "Book 'im, Hef" 3. You find yourself praying to be strip searched 2. Her partner says, "Spread 'em" and she does 1. First words: "This is a bust!"

Top Ten Signs You're on a Bad Cruise - July 22, 1994

10. Lavish buffet turns out to be three bags of Doritos and a quart of Pepsi. 9. Welcome aboard drink made with tetracycline and erythromycin 8. When you ask the cruise director where the lifeboat is, he points to a fat guy. 7. It's 10 AM, and Captain Hazelwood has a thermos full of martinis. 6. Not only is Kathie Lee there, but also that elephant that tramples people. 5. Ship doctor only qualified to give tattoos 4. You have to share a room with Captain Stubing. 3. Gopher is an actual gopher. 2. You wake up with barnacles all over your ass. 1. Name of the boat: The S.S. Amtrak

Top Ten Things Overheard at President Clinton's High School Reunion - July 25, 1994

10. More Whitewater Punch, Mr. President? 9. President Clinton rubbed up against me. How much do you think I could sue for? 8. Howsabout lowering taxes for you old gym class buddy? 7. So I suggested to the student council: Screw bake sales! Let's just tax the bastards! 6. So, Bill, do you plan to move back to Arkansas in 1996? 5. Screw the deficit -- time to mambo! 4. Well, Mr. Bully isn't so tough now that I control nuclear weapons. Is he? 3. Anybody have any idea what the hell Reagan's doing here? 2. Hey, lard ass. How's that health care crap going? 1. Run for your lives! He's got the saxophone!

Top Ten Signs Your Local Anchorman is Nuts - July 26, 1994

10. His so-called "co-anchor" is a six-pack of Bud. 9. Most of the stories from the local police involve him. 8. At least once per broadcast, publicly proposes to Susan Powter 7. After every story, he frantically washes his hands. 6. Puts on woman's wig and introduces self as "Connie Rather" 5. When local sports teams lose, he bursts into tears. 4. Wears big plastic cone around neck to keep him from nipping at microphone 3. Ends every newscast by screaming: "Goodnight mommy!" 2. Starts newscast over so he can be introduced with smoke, lights and dancing girls 1. All he's wearing is a necktie.

Top Ten Ways to Tell It's Summer at the White House - July 27, 1994

10. Three words: shirtless cabinet meetings 9. Reagan found wandering around east wing wearing Santa suit 8. Guys from Pentagon install 465 million dollar bug zapper. 7. Mike Dukakis shows up at front gate with his lawnmower. 6. Wherever Ted Kennedy goes, he leaves a sluglike trail of sweat. 5. Bob Dole nearly killed by "mysterious" falling air conditioner 4. Roger spends day drinking case of Bud Light, trying to pronounce "Galazkiewicz." 3. Hillary helps Chelsea make $100,000 selling lemonade. 2. President constantly asking Hillary to rub suntan lotion on his pasty white thighs 1. Gore is panting like a beagle.

Top Ten Ways Hillary Clinton Can Raise Her Popularity - July 28, 1994

10. Cattle futures for everybody 9. Quick fling with Bob Barker 8. Go on "Larry King Live" and snap that guy's suspenders so hard his toupee falls off. 7. Get out there and fix potholes like the Mayor of New York does. 6. Take a long ride in white Bronco. 5. Grow a giant beard like ZZ Top -- them guys is superstars! 4. Call Rush Limbaugh while he's on the air and say, "Can it, fat boy." 3. Call for Congressional hearings to get to the bottom of this Michael Jackson-Lisa Marie Presley thing. 2. Did somebody say "Wonderbra?" 1. Fire Bill.

Top Ten Rejected Forrest Gump Sayings - July 29, 1994

10. Clinton is, as Clinton does. 9. My name is Forrest Sawyer. 8. Who's the black private dick that's the sex machine to all the chicks? Gump! 7. Yabba Dabba Duhhhhh 6. Jenny and me, we're like Tonya and Gillooly 5. Mama always told me, 'Just about anyone can get himself a talk show.' 4. You are correct, oh great one. 3. Man, did I look goofy on that old 'Love Boat' episode. 2. Life is like a date with Madonna. You never know what you're going to get. 1. Mama always said, 'Bite me.'

Top Ten George Bush's Complaints About Dan Quayle's Book - August 1, 1994

10. Frequent misuse of the word "weenie" 9. Thought "Forrest Gump" was a more accurate portrayal of Quayle's life 8. In book, Quayle claims he was President and "George Bush" was his yappy little pet chihuahua 7. Calls Letterman a jerk, when in fact he's a dork 6. Wasn't appropriate to include nude photos of Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly 5. Keeps referring to Barbara as "Jolly Old Saint Nick" 4. Wrote about what a pleasure it was to serve with President Dana Carvey 3. Criticized Bush for choosing an idiot for Vice President 2. That completely fabricated anecdote in which Bush sees Quayle in the locker room and says, "Danny boy, you're one sexy bastard!" 1. Couldn't find Waldo

Top Ten Good Things About Being Married to Michael Jackson- August 2, 1994

10. When you get a few years older, good advice on plastic surgeons. 9. White sequined glove prevents greasy fingerprints on fridge. 8. Fun to say, "Honey, could you moonwalk over to the Stop 'n' Shop for a quart of milk?" 7. After a day with the Jacksons, suddenly your Presley relatives seem normal. 6. None of those annoying demands for sex. 5. His squeaky ultrasonic voice keeps away mice. 4. As king of pop, gets a 10% dinner discount at participating Red Lobster restaurants. 3. If he comes home with lipstick on his collar, you can be pretty sure it's his own. 2. Never have to throw out leftovers with Liz dropping by. 1. Three words: Christmas with Tito!

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Rolling Stones Concert - August 3, 1994

10. I love it when they smash their walkers at the end of a song. 9. The medic alert beepers are drowning out the music. 8. Look! The new guy on bass! It's Matlock. 7. He means, time was on their side. 6. Start me up! I'm serious! This isn't part of the song! 5. It looks like a comet smashed into Keith Richards. 4. Cool! Jagger's teeth just landed in my lap! 3. What's Letterman doing up there with a fiddle? 2. Michael Jackson married? Please...! 1. I can't get no met-a-mucil

Top Ten Signs of Trouble in the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Presley Marriage - August 5, 1994

10. Michael going through noses faster than ever. 9. She's flirting with Tito. 8. If two completely normal people like Roseanne and Tom can't make it, then these kids don't have a chance. 7. Lately, Michael's been acting kind of weird. 6. Four words: Marriage tips from Liz 5. Michael caught wearing another woman's make-up. 4. He put the Club on the bedroom door. 3. Michael spotted in Central Park with Soon-Yi. 2. She wants the toilet seat left down, and he... well, actually, no trouble there. 1. Now they're both touching themselves.

Top Ten Reasons New York City Would Be a Good Place for the '96 Republican Convention - August 8, 1994

10. Constant gunfire will keep delegates from dozing off. 9. Crowded sidewalks present an opportunity for Senator Packwood to "accidentally" bump into women. 8. Three-quarters of rat population are registered Republicans. 7. If hotels are filled up, they can always break into my place. 6. Delegates pay no city, state or federal tax on crack purchases. 5. Chance to take part in weekly Mets tryouts; maybe become Major League baseball player! 4. Would be fun to watch Dan Quayle trying to figure out a subway map. 3. Andrew Giuliani will be away at camp. 2. Taxis equipped with heavy duty suspension, which is perfect for driving around Rush Limbaugh 1. Plenty of certified baby-sitters for Reagan

Top Ten Signs the Concert You're Attending is Not the Real Woodstock - August 9, 1994

10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon. 9. Amplifiers are just enormous dixie cups 8. Every song contains a plug for the Green Giant frozen vegetables. 7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan. 6. One word: polkas 5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls. 4. Santana turns out to be a jolly old bearded guy with a sackful of presents. 3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" 2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving 1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"

Top Ten Signs Your Shoe Salesman is Actually the Devil - August 10, 1994

10. He helps customers sitting in front of him and in back of him by spinning his head around. 9. His store has big Hitler's birthday sale. 8. Offers you 15% off if you sell him your soul 7. Name of store: "Thom McGangel-of-Death" 6. When you tell him you don't like a pair of shoes, he spits pea soup at you. 5. He gazes into your eyes and next thing you know -- bang -- you own 30 pairs of Reeboks. 4. When unhappy customer tells him to go to hell, he replies, "I can't go home till six." 3. Sign out front reads, "Visa card, Mastercard, and abandon hope all ye who enter here!" 2. When Michael Jackson got married, his shoestore froze over. 1. All the shoes are size 666.

Top Ten Signs You're an Overweight Cop - August 11, 1994

10. You spend a lot of your time trying to apprehend Big Macs. 9. You have two holsters: One for your gun, one for Italian Sausage. 8. The last time you saw your feet, "Kojak" was on in prime time. 7. Instead of yelling "Freeze!," you yell "Fritos!" 6. Even patrol car's big block engine can't propel you more than 30 mph. 5. You sometimes work undercover as a sofa. 4. You take the phrase "Take a bite out of crime" too literally. 3. Several times a year, rescue workers have to use jaws of life to get you out of your squad car. 2. Your ass is known as the fourth precinct. 1. You're frequently used as a roadblock

Top Ten Baseball Player Demands - August 12, 1994

10. No team flights on Continental Airlines. 9. Goodbye boring baseball caps, hello festive sombreros. 8. Make it legal to cork their pants. 7. Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers. 6. No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. 5. Two words: Streisand tickets. 4. Every team has to have at least one player named "Mookie." 3. Plenty of dugout Slimfast (video of Tommy Lasorda with Slimfast). 2. Put an on-deck circle in Madonna's bed. 1. More games against the Mets.

Top Ten Things Overheard at Woodstock '94 - August 15, 1994

10. It's cool how David Crosby can sing with a mouthful of Pop-Tarts 9. Hey, you 300,000 kids get out of my yard! 8. Check out Al Sharpton's tie-dyed jogging suit 7. There's something familiar about that old naked guy covered in oatmeal...Oh my god, it's Wilford Brimley! 6. Looks like Letterman's hair is having a bad trip 5. It's a three day festival of peace, love and...hey, which one of you muddy bastards stole my bankcard? 4. Aren't you the guy who took a leak on my tent back in '69? 3. Run for your lives. Rush Limbaugh's in the mosh pit 2. This must be bad acid! I could've sworn you said Lisa Marie Presley married Michael Jackson 1. This place is crawling with mud dorks

Top Ten Ways Madonna is Celebrating her 36th Birthday - August 16, 1994

10. Just quietly exposing herself to a few close friends. 9. Going one-on-one with members of the Dream Team II. 8. Making cone-bra party hats. 7. Naked jello shots with Boutros Boutros Ghali. 6. Free meal at Denny's. 5. Nailing every birthday clown from here to the Mason-Dixon line. 4. Marrying Tito. 3. Three words: Sean Penn pinata. 2. Playing horizontal "Price is Right" with Bob Barker. 1. Oil change and lube job.

Top Ten Little Known Provisions in President Clinton's Crime Bill - August 17, 1994

10. Every 10th caller to 911 wins a pair of Metallica tickets 9. $10 million reward to anyone who knows where the hell Al Gore is 8. Five day waiting period to buy a congressman 7. If you yell 'Bingo' when you don't really got bingo you're going away for a long, long time 6. The first lady has the right to remain silent 5. Bob Dole to be executed on "Donahue" 4. Every time someone in America gets arrested, the President gets to eat a french fry 3. No speed limit on Merritt Parkway for late night talk show hosts 2. If you even so much as jaywalk, Bubba's gonna play a Singapore-style drum roll on your ass 1. All that Whitewater crap? It's legal

Top Ten Signs You've Gone to a Bad Chiropractor - August 18, 1994

10. When you walk, you make a wacky accordion sound. 9. Keeps saying, "A spine is like a box of chocolates." 8. Repeatedly asks, "You a cop? You sure you ain't no cop?" 7. Over and over, you hear crunching sounds followed by "Uh-oh." 6. There's a two-drink minimum. 5. At end of session, lies down on the table and says, "My turn!" 4. He was nowhere near Woodstock and yet he's covered with mud. 3. Rushes in late to your appointment, still wearing his Burger King uniform 2. Hints that for an extra $50, he'll "straighten" something else 1. You're fully-clothed and he's naked.

Top Ten Signs President Clinton is Renting the Vacation House Next to Yours - August 29, 1994

10. Front lawn littered with what appears to be pages of a health-care plan. 9. You keep finding Roger Clinton passed out in your backyard. 8. License plate on his dune buggy: H-I-L-B-I-L-Y 1. 7. What you thought was a lawn gnome next door turns out to be Warren Christopher. 6. One day he stops by and asks to borrow a cup of sugar and a foreign policy. 5. You open your freezer to find that your hamburgers have been taken and replaced with Presidential Medals of Honor. 4. Rusty old stealth bomber on cinder blocks in front yard. 3. The guy doing yardwork there looks an awful lot like Al Gore. 2. Swimming trunks on clothes line bigger than a circus tent. 1. Your local McDonalds is out of fries.

Top Ten Signs Your New Gym Teacher is Nuts - August 31, 1994

10. Eats hockey pucks like they were crackers. 9. Always arrives at school on a donkey. 8. Makes you "hit the showers" after each individual push up. 7. He's made a nice little home for himself under the bleachers. 6. You see him doing sit-ups while driving. 5. What at first glance appears to be a mustache, turns out to be purple crayon. 4. Insists on being addressed as "Cap'n Sweaty". 3. Asks you to spot him in the men's room. 2. Warm-ups include jumping jacks, knee bends and jello shots. 1. For class, wears only a whistle.

Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Celebrated His 36th Birthday - September 01, 1994

10. Plays pin-the-nose-on-the-donkey. 9. Enjoyed big steak dinner cooked by Lisa Marie, drank beer and watched wrestling till he fell asleep. 8. Received novelty drinking mug that says "World's Greatest Reclusive Freak." 7. A champagne celebration with his wife, the monkey and that super short guy. 6. Doing what he always does -- acting really weird. 5. Goes 0-4 against the Tidewater Mets (Sorry, that's how Michael Jordan celebrated his birthday). 4. Inhaled helium from party balloons to make his voice higher. 3. Found Tito stealing tomatoes from his vegetable garden; chased him around the house with a rake. 2. Turned Liz loose on the leftover birthday cake. 1. Two words: grabbing himself.

Top Ten Ways Dan Quayle is Preparing To Run for President - September 02, 1994

10. Forging letter of recommendation from President Bush. 9. Shaving "1996" into the back of his head. 8. Taking some of them Sally Struthers courses. 7. Buying a computer with spell check. 6. Trying to raise his I.Q. above his golf handicap. 5. Studying the episode of "Happy Days" when Richie ran for class president. 4. Trying to decide which Mighty Morphin Power Ranger he wants as his running mate. 3. Called President Bush, asked him what he used to do all day. 2. Having name legally changed to Danforth Gump. 1. Working on his concession speech.

Top Ten Signs Your Team Won't Be Going to the Super Bowl - September 05, 1994

10. Last year's mascot is this year's quarterback. 9. Players beaten by local teens in halftime "punt, pass & kick" competition. 8. Inner ear condition makes it impossible for starting halfback to stay between sidelines. 7. Just to be on the safe side, they often punt on first down. 6. They're constantly taking time-outs to consult with Robert Shapiro. 5. More players on smoking side of bench than non-smoking. 4. Whenever they manage to get a first down, they dump a bucket of Gatorade over the head coach. 3. Players constantly addressing each other as "girlfriend". 2. Starting fullback: Richard Simmons. 1. Instead of helmets, turbans.

Top Ten Larry King's Pet Peeves - September 06, 1994

10. When my suspenders get caught in the microphone and I'm trapped here overnight. 9. Can't interview Dan Quayle without him getting distracted by my shiny cufflinks. 8. You buy a great looking pair of Spiderman pajamas, but when you put them on they don't give you Spider-strength. 7. Stan from Overland Park, Kan. Now, there is one five-star dork of a caller. 6. When some 102 pound lady in Dave's audience won't stop kicking. 5. You're interviewing Neil Armstrong and he says, "please, no questions about the moon". 4. Whenever I go to Dairy Queen, some wise-ass says, "look it's Larry King at Dairy Queen". 3. Janet Reno always pinching me under the table. 2. Richard Simmons always pinching me under the table. 1. One word: Alimony.

Top Ten Ways U.S. Open Would Be Different if it Were Held on the Moon - September 07, 1994

10. Guy hits a lob on Tuesday; opponent returns it on Wednesday. 9. Announcer keeps saying lame things like "That's one short volley for man, one giant match point for mankind." 8. In space, no one can hear John McEnroe. 7. If players argue, umpire cuts off their oxygen. 6. Final round: Michael Stich vs. one of them Star Trek dudes. 5. Lots of laughs when line judge and his tall chair get knocked over by a low-flying comet. 4. Sampras has just smashed another blistering two mile an hour serve! 3. Spectator Rush Limbaugh mistaken for Goodyear blimp. 2. Serve one really hard and it goes all the way around and hits you in the ass. 1. Two words: Floatin' trophies!

Top Ten Signs President Clinton is Well Rested - September 08, 1994

10. Catching and eating more mice than "Socks". 9. Flip-flops much faster on foreign policy. 8. Hasn't passed out in his mashed potatoes in days. 7. His doughy white thighs have a blush of pink to them now. 6. Feels ready to ask Paula Jones for sex again. 5. Already finished with his '96 concession speech. 4. Gets his pants down twice as fast. 3. Doesn't get tired carrying around giant lunch box. 2. Since he got back, he's only beaten the crap out of Gore twice. 1. He's giving Bob Dole both fingers.

Top Ten Things Overheard at the MTV Music Video Awards - September 09, 1994

10. Hey -- Richard Simmons just threw his shorts at Tom Jones! 9. I'm sorry, sir, there's no Tom Arnold on the guest list. 8. I can't watch this whole show -- my attention span has been destroyed by MTV. 7. Forget Disneyland, I'm going to Betty Ford! 6. I hope we get to see some guy picking his nose on the Letterman show. 5. You know, now that I actually see them kissing, it seems like the most natural thing in the world. 4. More blood, Mr. Richards? 3. More meat loaf, Meatloaf? 2. Can we get a crew with a belt sander down to dressing room three? Roseanne wants another tattoo removed. 1. Who's that dork with Madonna?

Top Ten Signs the Guys Who Robbed Tiffany's Had Never Robbed Before - September 12, 1994

10. When the alarm went off, they thought they'd won something. 9. After stealing jewelry, made appointment to have it engraved 8. Spent 20 minutes trying to hail a "getaway car" 7. Set up a table on the sidewalk that said, "Tiffany's factory outlet store" 6. Tried on each piece of jewelry before deciding whether or not to take it 5. Gave names and addresses to clerk so they could be put on mailing list 4. Went to McDonald's, paid for small fries with diamond bracelet and asked for $20,000 change 3. Took the security tapes, but then sent them off to "America's Funniest Home Videos" 2. Kept yelling "Where's Batman?" 1. Wore ski masks and skis

Top Ten Signs the Game Show You're Watching is Fixed - September 13, 1994

10. One guy keeps getting questions about what he had for lunch 9. You hear the phrase, "Come on down, Mom" 8. Answer the questions about the capital of Kentucky and you could be the next Frankfurt--I mean, Champion! 7. You see Fabio run the board during "Double Jeopardy" 6. Every time a contestant touches the buzzer they fall down dead 5. Suddenly Alex Trebek doesn't give a damn whether anybody phrases their answers in the form of a question 4. Bob Barker has been neutered (I'm sorry, that's a sign the game show host you're watching is fixed) 3. Whenever some of the other contestants start to answer, they're chomped in the ass by a vicious wolverine 2. It's "Family Feud" and the Quayles win 1. Please welcome, our returning champion: Forrest Gump!

Top Ten Killer Bee Pet Peeves - September 14, 1994

10. Horizontal stripes make you look fat. 9. Can't sting Zsa Zsa through all that makeup 8. Not one single killer bee in Congress 7. Dershowitz always tacks $300 dinners onto defense tab. 6. When other bees make fun of the size of your stinger in the shower 5. It's damn near impossible to get those little packages of airline peanuts open! 4. That Honey-nut Cheerios bee -- now there's a first class dweeb! 3. We're natural born killers, yet you don't see Oliver Stone bustin' his ass to make a film about us. 2. Plasticky aftertaste when you sting Michael Jackson. 1. What's the deal with Johnny Depp?

Top Ten Rejected New Names for EuroDisney - September 15, 1994

10. Euro Disaster 9. El Biggo Mistake-o 8. Never-Never-Profit Land 7. La Veal de Guys in Big Smelly Costumes 6. Gumpworld 5. Beaucoup de Crap Americain 4. Johnny Depp's Hotel of Destruction 3. Boutros Boutros-Goofy 2. Have-You-Forgotten-We-Saved- Your-Ass-In-The-World-War-Two-Land 1. Ooh-La-Lame

Top Ten Surprising Revelations in Barbara Bush's Book - September 16, 1994

10. Once considered legally changing her name to Whoopi 9. Still swaps hair care tips with Phil Donahue 8. George spent last six months of office wandering around White House wearing nothing but a lobster bib. 7. Reagan used to keep his jelly beans and his kidney stones in the same jar. 6. Whole reason she got into public life -- free hot dogs. 5. She's got Tom Arnold's face tattooed right where you think. 4. Ever since the fall of communism, George has carried a thirty-pound chunk of the Berlin Wall in his pants. 3. During the Bush administration, Air Force One was a high-flyin' love machine. 2. Dan Quayle is extremely bright, also Rush Limbaugh is extremely thin. 1. Millie the dog? Gay.

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win the Miss America Contest - September 19, 1994

10. Instead of putting vaseline on your teeth, you use aerosol cheese. 9. Your nude photos have already appeared in Penthouse. 8. Very often when people meet you they say, "Man is you ugly!" 7. The judges point out that eating a pound of fudge is not technically a talent. 6. After your musical number, Regis turns to Kathie Lee and says, "Wow, that really sucked!" 5. Though you're pretty, there's no getting around the fact that your name is Carl and you're a longshoreman. 4. The officials discover you've corked your bra. 3. Someone's replaced your paper "Miss Kentucky" sash with one that reads "Sanitized for your protection." 2. You're Miss New York, and your talent is giving the finger. 1. Your ass is the size of Montana.

Top Ten Things That Make Bob Barker Angry - September 20, 1994

10. When the regular show announcer is sick and new guy says something stupid like, "c'mon up!" 9. Losers who guess that the price of a toaster is $50,000 8. When contestants win a brand new car and don't even offer me a ride home 7. I give the 7-Eleven guy a dollar for a pack of gum and he says, "Sorry, you overbid!" 6. Inhumane weasel-fur hairpieces like the one Letterman's wearing 5. Losing contestants who wait for me in the alley and throw consolation prizes at my head 4. When people on the street think I'm Vanna's dad 3. My life was as sweet as can be, then one morning I woke up with Phil Donahue's hair. 2. Recent allegations that game shows are fixed 1. Recent allegations that I'm fixed

Top Ten Ways to Tell the Show You're Watching Won't Be a Hit - September 21, 1994

10. The actors are holding each others' cue cards. 9. Laugh track consists of a guy with a wet, hacking cough 8. You start thinking "maybe I'll go listen to that new Roger Clinton CD." 7. Title contains the words "The" and "Mommies" 6. Actors frequently break character and scream: "Good Lord, does this suck!" 5. The biggest laugh of the night involves a dead chicken in underpants. 4. Big purple dinosaur keeps biting the children 3. Skinny gap-toothed host reads lame list. 2. Show's premise: man with bionic ass 1. It's on FOX.

Top Ten Marion Barry Campaign Slogans - September 22, 1994

10. Barry: He's Habit Forming. 9. America's Most Wanted Mayor. 8. As Seen on Court TV. 7. This is Your Mayor; This is Your Mayor on Drugs. 6. A Vote for Barry is a Vote for ...um, I Lost My Train of Thought. 5. I'll Get Drugs Off the Street. 4. Come on, It'll Be Funny! 3. Endorsed by Dwight Gooden 2. Give Me Another Crack at It. 1. I Always Inhaled.

Top Ten Signs the Manager of Your Local Gap Has Gone Nuts - September 23, 1994

10. On your way into the store, you trip over the acid-washed, sand-blasted corpse of J. Crew. 9. Every time you return to the dressing room, he's wearing your clothes. 8. Mock turtle necks made out of real turtles. 7. His assistant manager is a mannequin. 6. Really excited about CBS' new prime time line-up. 5. He eats your gift certificate with some fava beans and a nice chianti. 4. Declares war on the Banana Republic across the street. 3. Has opened a Gap for monkeys. 2. Says "Hi, my name is Gap. Forrest Gap". 1. Makes you try on his pants.

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Airport - September 26, 1994

10. The luggage carousel is first-come, first-serve. 9. Technician asks if he can borrow your cup of coffee to "de-ice" a 747. 8. Runway littered with stripped chevys. 7. Gift shop selling items from your just-checked luggage. 6. Nacho cheese at the snack bar doubles as jet fuel. 5. The "Arrivals and Departures" monitor is pay-per-view. 4. Guard at metal detector asks you to turn your head and cough. 3. Some little beer-loving dweeb takes Dr. Galazkiewicz's limo. 2. You see someone pre-boarding a flight attendant. 1. Passengers have the right to fly topless.

Top Ten Surprises in the Dolly Parton Autobiography - September 27, 1994

10. At (her) birth, doctor thought he was delivering triplets 9. Once hitchhiked cross-country without ever lifting a thumb 8. Makes all of her own leather mini-skirts by trapping and skinning vermin 7. She was the inspiration for the huge overhanging balcony at the new Grand Ole Opry. 6. Went on world tour in early 70's with Dalai Lama in a show called "A Couple of Dollys" 5. She was designed by same guy who did New York's Twin Towers. 4. Tom Arnold once asked to marry her because he wanted to get his own show on "The Nashville Network." 3. In order to remain vertical, wears special counterweights on her back developed by NASA 2. One night got drunk and slept with all of the Oakridge Boys 1. Consulted on the Wonderbra project

Top Ten Signs Your Kid Isn't College Material - September 28, 1994

10. His guidance counselor's file contains two words: "yard work." 9. In yearbook, was voted "Most Likely To Injure Himself Opening a Door". 8. During algebra, interrupts teacher and asks, "When do we get to whittle?" 7. SAT score? 9. 6. He keeps telling everybody life is like a box of chocolates. 5. Every time he sees a book he says, "What the hay is this dang thing?" 4. He's the only 37 year old in the 4th grade. 3. During appearance on "Jeopardy," keeps buzzing in and asking, "Alex, can I have some candy?" 2. Thinks "valedictorian" is a brand name of condoms. 1. Can't find Waldo.

Top Ten Signs Hillary Clinton Might Be Pregnant - September 29, 1994

10. Al Gore is practicing washing diapers. 9. Seen looking through little book entitled "Name Your Hillbilly Baby" 8. Been doing some of her own "Negotiating" with Jimmy Carter 7. Pentagon building mobile for crib with faces of Lloyd Bentsen and Warren Christopher 6. Asked Strom Thurmond for the number to his diaper service 5. Been trying out little booties on Ross Perot 4. She threw up on Newt Gingrich. 3. Stork evaded radar and crashed into White House 2. On the Ultrasound they could see the baby already giving the finger to Bob Dole. 1. Like Bill, she's eating for two.

Top Ten New CBS Promotional Slogans - September 30, 1994

10. Where's the remote control? 9. The shows are funnier if you're drunk. 8. Now we suck as much as Fox. 7. C.B.S.: Come Back Suckers 6. You could win a chance to father Murphy Brown's next baby. 5. The CBS eye knows what you look like naked. 4. We blew our wad on Late Show boy. 3. Tonight might be the night Dan and Connie do it. 2. Watch us, and Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman will write you a prescription for the drug of your choice. 1. You can't spell CBS without BS.

Top Ten Signs Your Local TV Weatherman Is Nuts - October 3, 1994

10. Every night, his forecast is: "It's raining men, hallelujah!" 9. Often asks anchorwoman to switch clothes with him 8. Uses expensive radar equipment to track Michelle Pfeiffer 7. "Satellite photos" look suspiciously like Polaroids of a desk globe 6. Appears to have the first spring robin in his mouth 5. Seen checking into a Motel 6 with a half-inflated weather balloon 4. Every night he says, "Lordy mama, it's gonna rain root beer tomorrow!" 3. The symbol on his weather map for an arctic cold front is a snowman giving the finger 2. Looks a lot like this pinhead 1. He's got a tropical storm in his pants

Top Ten Goofiest Audience Driver's License Photos - October 4, 1994

10. What are you lookin' at? 9. Coolest guy in Bangladesh. 8. Long lost Gabor sister. 7. Loves Quaker Instant Oatmeal. 6. Really loves Quaker Instant Oatmeal. 5. Height: 5'5, without hair: 5'1". 4. Pulled all nighter studying for driver's test. 3. Also a client. 2. Turn your head and cough. 1. Where's the brake?.

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Country Music Awards- October 5, 1994

10. Hey, I just found my car keys in Lyle Lovett's hair. 9. Somebody help him! He's got a Tritt lodged in his Yoakam! 8. You know, Mr. Rogers, I saw the most recent Gambler TV-movie, and maybe it's time to fold 'em. 7. Hee Haw Condoms! Get yer Hee Haw Condoms here! 6. Vince Gill, Faith Hill. Faith Hill, Vince Gill. Mel Tillis, Travis Tritt, Pam Tillis, Patti Loveless, Faith Hill, Vince Gill. 5. If Wynonna doesn't drop a few pounds, we're gonna have an achy breaky floor. 4. Hey, lookie here, me and my gee-tar are on the tee-vee. 3. And now the best fiddler award goes to Dave Letterman. (videotape of Letterman look-alike playing fiddle) 2. I thought 'The Judds' was a nickname for Dolly Parton. 1. Oh no, Michael and Lisa Marie are kissing again!

Top Ten Signs Regis Philbin is Nuts - October 6, 1994

10. He's actually gone on one of those lame Carnival cruises. 9. Keeps showing up for work in full "Cats" make-up 8. One minute you're having a civilized conversation and the next minute the old coot's on the floor doing push-ups. 7. Richard Simmons found smothered under a two-ton pile of Regis's workout videos 6. Went on honeymoon with Michael and Lisa Marie 5. Claims the CIA has been sending satellite beams into his pants 4. Last weekend spotted naked in Central Park with bottle of scotch screaming, "Where's Gelman?" 3. Constantly standing in front of moving cars (videotape of Regis hit by car) 2. Every couple years, just for fun, he switches Kathie Lee's birth control pills with Tic Tacs 1. Never changed his weird-ass name

Top Ten Signs You're Addicted to Caffeine - October 7, 1994

10. Haven't slept since the Johnson Administration 9. Your next-door neighbors often call to complain about the sound of your chattering teeth. 8. Instead of Tic Tacs, you suck on No-Doz 7. You named your twins "Cappuccino" and "Espresso." 6. On the way to work you get pulled over for speeding and you don't even have your car. 5. You kill a guy for trying to switch your regular coffee with Folgers Crystals. 4. You wake up in middle of night screaming "Pepsi! For the love of God, I need Pepsi!" 3. When a Maxwell House commercial comes on, you actually lick the TV screen. 2. You drink so much coffee it starts shooting out your ears like our stage manager Biff Henderson (videotape of Henderson spitting coffee out of ears) 1. You're shaking like Michael Jackson on his wedding night.

Top Ten Christopher Columbus Pick-Up Lines - October 10,1994

10. Come to this continent often? 9. How 'bout you and me taking a voyage to Motel-6? 8. Kiss me, I'm salty! 7. If all three of you come home with me, I'll name my ships after you. 6. Please, I've been at sea for five months, I beg you! 5. Can you help me navigate my way around that Wonderbra? 4. How many gold doubloons for a lap dance? 3. That's not a compass in my pocket, I'm just glad to see you. 2. Babe ahoy! 1. I've got a sea monster in my pants!

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win a Nobel Prize - October 11,1994

10. You think the capital of Sweden is Sweden City. 9. You built an artificial heart, but it's the size of a bread truck. 8. Closest you've ever come to doing a scientific experiment -- putting a sleeping friend's hand in warm water 7. Despite all your brilliant ideas, the nurses won't let you have anything sharp to write them down. 6. You're the CBS executive who picked the new fall lineup. 5. For the past 10 years, your left thumb has been stuck in a test tube. 4. Title of your doctoral dissertation: "Yee-ouch! Them Pins is Pointy!" 3. Your theory of relativity is E=MC Hammer. 2. You're known around the University as "Professor Gump." 1. Your first name is Boutros Boutros -- but your last name ain't Ghali.

Top Ten Rejected Sylvester Stallone Movie Lines - October 12, 1994

10. All right, I'll talk! Just stop tickling me! 9. The name's 'Rambo,' but friends call me 'Bunny.' 8. You figure skate pretty good, Francois, but I'm the best there is. 7. Leggo me eggo, you son of a bitch. 6. I don't care what round it is. He hit me; it hurt, and I'm quitting. 5. How long before I become a real woman, doctor? 4. Mom, have you seen my Jurassic Park underpants anywhere? 3. My name is Rocky Gump. 2. Hey, you've got a nice ass for a jockey. 1. I love you Richard Simmons!

Top Ten Ted Kennedy Campaign Slogans - October 13, 1994

10. I promise I'll keep my pants on. 9. Two million Budweisers can't be wrong. 8. Vote for me, the giant red-faced guy! 7. I do more in one happy hour than most senators do all day. 6. No worse than Marion Barry! 5. Crime? Pollution? The deficit? Who cares? Pass the beer nuts, Monty! 4. Sit back and watch whiskey-boy do his stuff. 3. He still fits through the Senate door; so vote for Ted in '94! 2. Are you better off than you were four beers ago? 1. Paaarty!

Top Ten Ways CBS Can Improve It's Prime Time Ratings - October 14, 1994

10. New contest: watch a week of CBS shows, get a shot at helping Connie have a baby. 9. Replace Dudley Moore's show with test of the emergency broadcast system. 8. Send Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman on the road to perform complimentary throat cultures. 7. Create a new show about a family that sits down to watch ABC show. 6. Let Beavis and Butthead sit in for Dan and Connie. 5. Show some football games! Everybody loves football games! 4. Make "Murder, She Wrote" topless. 3. Judge Ito hosts funny, funny courtroom bloopers. 2. More shots of Dan Rather spitting (videotape of Rather spitting) 1. Three words: bare-ass cops

Top Ten Least Popular Paul Newman Products - October 24, 1994

10. Chunky-style mayonnaise. 9. Combination salad dressing and racing oil. 8. Throbbing pop tarts. 7. Corn chip tarts. 6. Aerosol pork. 5. Peanut butter with fleas. 4. Squirrel jerky. 3. Chapstick with super glue. 2. Newman's own super-tight underpants. 1. Fig Newmans

Top Ten Things Ted Kennedy Can Do to Win the Election - October 25, 1994

10. Introduce new rule at debates: mention the economy, do a shot. 9. Two words: Jenny Craig 8. Use trick photography in campaign ads to make head appear normal size. 7. Lose the toga. 6. Gain the crucial endorsement of influential Bangladeshi political leaders, Mujibur and Sirajul. 5. Stop referring to his five terms in the U.S. Senate as "refills." 4. New slogan: several wives can't be wrong! 3. Stop responding to reporters' questions with, "Lemme ask my buddy Jack Daniels." 2. Jazzercise like a son of a bitch. 1. Put on his damn pants!

Top Ten Signs Your Judge is Bored - October 26, 1994

10. Halfway through trial, has his chair replaced with a La-Z-Boy recliner. 9. He asks new witnesses their name, address, and if they've heard any good jokes lately. 8. Suddenly stands up and screams at defendant "For God's sake -- plead guilty and I'll do your time." 7. He's popping No-Doz like Chiclets. 6. Won't stop pounding the gavel (if you know what I mean). 5. He asks jury members to dress as their favorite comic book characters. 4. Shouts out "guilty!" and then says "just practicing". 3. His eyes just seem to glaze over when you try to explain to him why you were going 82 mph on the Merritt Parkway. 2. After every bit of testimony, interjects, "Were you naked at the time?" 1. He's eating a lawbook.

Top Ten Surprises in the New Sex Survey - October 27, 1994

10. Men finished the survey much quicker than women 9. Most common sites for sex other than bedroom: car, living room and oval office 8. Burt Reynolds had a two-year affair with one of his hairpieces 7. Only 15% of ladies are "happenin'" ladies 6. 98% of all sex involves at least one member of the British Royal Family 5. The chairman of the Oscar Meyer Corporation giggles uncontrollably when anyone says the word "weiner" 4. Most popular pick-up line: "Hi, my name is Bob Barker" 3. That Newt Gingrich is one supernatural freakin' love machine 2. Most common teenage male sex fantasy: a partner 1. Sex can get you pregnant

Top Ten Bad Things About Winning $70 Million - October 28, 1994

10. They pay you a dollar a year for 70 million years 9. Sure, you can afford lunch in New York City, but what about dinner? 8. Citibank raises the limit on your Visa card to $100 million, and suddenly you're in over your head 7. You immediately lose your credibility as a dunk tank clown 6. Tip a waiter anything less than a thousand bucks, and he'll crack your skull with a pepper mill 5. Paperboy tries to convince you that The New York Times now costs $1,200 a day 4. You know you'll just spend it on 70 million more lottery tickets, you moron 3. Some chemical in all that green ink turns you into a crazy little chipmunk like Ross Perot 2. You donate it to a college, and they name a building after you called "Lucky Bastard Hall" 1. Overstuffed wallet makes your ass look huge

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Halloween Party - October 31, 1994

10. Jack-O-Lantern looks suspiciously like the neighborhood mailman's head 9. A guy from Domino's delivers a pizza -- and wins best costume 8. Shirtless Ed Asner walking around as "The Wolfman" 7. You see the guy dressed as President Clinton coming out of the bedroom with your wife. 6. They're serving haunted pancakes (video tape of Letterman with floating pancakes). 5. So-called ghost, just the old guy, from the 1-800-COLLECT commercials 4. You say "nice crazy dwarf costume" to a guy and he says "I'm Ross Perot, you bastard!" 3. Some chemical in all that green ink turns you into a crazy little chipmunk like Ross Perot. 2. A woman dressed as Lorena Bobbitt mistakes you for a guy dressed as John Bobbitt. 1. Hey Chester -- those ain't candy corns!

Top Ten Surprising Facts About the Average American - November 01, 1994

10. In course of life, will eat own weight in Slim Jims 9. Has had at least one sexual encounter with a Gabor sister 8. Can name more Ninja Turtles than Supreme Court justices 7. Can't stand them no good, stinkin' Swedes 6. Watches 14 hours of television a day, none of it CBS 5. Thinks Thomas Jefferson was "That funny black guy who was married to Weezie" 4. Has the mathematical abilities of a clydesdale 3. Has been rejected from the Simpson jury three times 2. Thinks that Ebert could beat the crap out of Siskel 1. Hates job. Hates spouse. Hates life. Loves Chee-tohs

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win the Election - November 02, 1994

10. Your campaign manager keeps mispronouncing your name 9. On outside of letter you get from Publisher's Clearinghouse: "You may already be a loser!" 8. Campaign rally chants of "Four more years!" refer to your prison sentence 7. Your "motorcade" is down to a rental car and a fat kid on a bike. 6. All the TV ad time you bought was on CBS prime time 5. Next to your name on the ballot it says, "Yeah, right." 4. You rise to offer a rebuttal during a televised debate, and the moderator says: "Save your shoe leather, junior! We're all voting for the other guy!" 3. Gennifer Flowers won't return your calls 2. During debate, your opponent says, "I knew Forrest Gump, I worked with Forrest Gump, and you're no Forrest Gump." 1. Even you voted for the other guy

Top Ten Signs the Guy Hijacking Your Plane Has Never Hijacked Before - November 03, 1994

10. His so-called "gun" has a very strong licorice smell 9. Asks flight attendant, "Is this a hijacking or no hijacking section?" 8. Writes his name and address on little card so he can get free subscription to in-flight magazine 7. His only demand: More peanuts! 6. On his way up to cockpit, flight attendant says he's not allowed in first class, so he sheepishly goes back to his seat 5. His nametag says "Hijacker Trainee" 4. Sits on top of the beverage cart, soars down the aisles yelling, "I'm king of the sky!" 3. Keeps muttering something about how hijacking is like a box of chocolates 2. Introduced to the captain, he demands to meet Tenille. 1. He checked his gun.

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win the N.Y.C. Marathon - November 04, 1994

10. You've been "training" at Blimpie's. 9. Losing precious minutes with your frequent Marlboro breaks 8. Your favorite three words in the English language are "more pie, please." 7. You get stuck behind Al Sharpton 6. Instead of Gatorade, you're drinking Zima 5. Before you've gone two miles one of your four inch heels snaps off 4. Instead of the eye of the tiger, you've got the dull stare of the dairy cow 3. Every time you bend over to tie your shoes you cramp up like a son-of-a-bitch 2. You run several feet then puke your ever loving guts out 1. You've just finished last year's marathon

Top Ten Ways to Get Dumb Guys to Vote for You - November 07, 1994

10. Promise to replace presidential limo with monster truck 9. Pass out campaign buttons and say, "Look, free shiny things!" 8. Promise that if you win, you'll help them get the mouse traps off their feet 7. In "Nightline" interview, keep calling Ted Koppel "Mr. Snapple." 6. Say you'll bomb the ever-lovin' shorts off every country whose name ain't spelled U-S-A 5. Promise to publish a "Where's Waldo" book in which the only thing on each page is Waldo 4. Put bucket on head. Wander around parking lot. 3. New campaign slogan: "Uhhhhh..." 2. Begin every speech with, "I am like a box of chocolates!" 1. Free circus tickets

Top Ten Mario Cuomo Excuses - November 09, 1994

10. Couldn't bear being stuck in Albany for another four years 9. Lost my motivation after I won that $70 million lotto 8. Ballots were miscounted by New York City high school graduates 7. Campaign speeches continually interrupted by Andrew Giuliani 6. Shouldn't have advertised on CBS prime time 5. Pataki sort of rhymes with hockey -- and people really love hockey! 4. Didn't have the good sense to get caught smoking crack in a Washington, D.C., hotel room 3. When Mr. Gotti says take a dive, you take a damn dive 2. Talked Mujibur into voting for him, but never convinced that thick-skulled bastard Sirajul 1. Three words: Campaign Manager Gump!

Top Ten Signs Your Handyman is Nuts - November 10, 1994

10. Drinks Elmer's glue like it was root beer 9. Keeps telling you, "Tools are like a box of chocolates..." 8. Upside down blueprint means you're stuck with a toilet on your ceiling 7. Claims to be the bastard love child of Black and Decker 6. He doesn't actually know anything about home repair, he's just a pretty boy actor getting a fat paycheck 5. There's nothing in his toolbox but a bologna sandwich and a pack of condoms 4. Can't lift arms from sides because of super-glue accident back in '87 3. Gets head caught in vice (shot of Letterman's head in vice) 2. Whenever you turn your back, he fires a nail gun at your ass 1. That ain't putty!

Top Ten Signs You're on a Bad Date - November 11, 1994

10. When you agreed to go out with him he was governor, and now he's just some guy who works at a car wash. 9. Every few minutes his face falls into his eggs. 8. She asks you to hold her clothes while she mambos with a guy named Pedro. 7. Her Wonderbra's on backwards. 6. Just as everything's starting to go great, you're both asked to return to your cells. 5. It's costing you $3.00 a minute. 4. You order a double whopper and he says, "My name ain't Rockefeller, honey." 3. Waiter taking your order asks "and what can I get for your sorry-ass date?" 2. He's drunk, all hands, and keeps bragging about how he whipped Mitt Romney. 1. He won't stop screaming "Pataki!"

Top Ten Signs the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Marriage is in Trouble - November 14, 1994

10. Michael looking pale and weird lately. 9. Their Christmas card is a copy of their pre-nuptial agreement. 8. They no longer share the Maybelline. 7. Michael living in a Motel 6 outside of Rochester, N.Y. 6. Lisa Marie now dating Richard Simmons. 5. She likes Wendy's, he's an Arby's man. 4. Lisa Marie refused to take the four-year intensive NASA training program that would teach her to moonwalk. 3. She's making eyes at other androgynous freaks. 2. She's found out "Neverland" refers to their sex life. 1. He's grabbing himself again.

Top Ten Signs Your New Governor is Nuts - November 15, 1994

10. Changes name of capital to "funkytown" 9. To prove he's tough on crime, he has himself executed. 8. Calls an emergency staff meeting and declares war on NebraskaIf left alone, will eat every document on his desk 7. Won't return phone call of the best damn mayor of the best damn city of the best damn country in the world 6. During victory speech, screams: "Are you sorry you wouldn't be my prom date now, Stephanie O'Rourke?" 5. Giggles uncontrollably whenever somebody says the word "gubernatorial" 4. During swearing-in, insists on holding judge's hand. 3. His date for the inaugural ball is inflatable. 2. Keeps trying to impeach himself 1.

Top Ten Ways to Mispronounce 'Pataki' - November 16, 1994

10. Patooky 9. Pakaticky 8. Paturkey 7. Souvlaki 6. Pat Sajacky 5. Fat Ducky 4. Gap Kahkis 3. Will Cut Taxes 2. Cold Six Packy 1. Boutros Boutros-Aki

Top Ten Signs You're in Love with Judge Ito - November 17, 1994

10. You've renamed all of your children and pets "Lance" 9. You're thinking about killing somebody just on the chance you'd wind up in his courtroom 8. You call Court TV to suggest a 48-hour Ito-athon 7. You find him guilty! Guilty of being adorable! 6. Your name is Robert Shapiro 5. You buy bags of Fritos and cut them up just to have the word "Ito" for your scrapbook 4. In court room, you shout "Hold me in contempt! But just hold me!" 3. When you see him on Court TV, you start licking the screen 2. You're wearing a button that says "Ito is Neato" 1. That's not a gavel in your pants

Top Ten Signs Your Name is Ed - November 18, 1994

10. Lots of times when people see you, they say, "Hi, Ed." 9. You receive junk mail that reads: "You may already have won, Ed." 8. When your girlfriend breaks up with you, the letter begins "Dear Ed..." 7. Hippies who attend all your concerts are known as "Edheads." 6. Let's say you're playing baseball. You're the shortstop and there's a pop up between you and the third baseman. You drift under it to make the catch when suddenly the third baseman comes over and says, "I got it, Ed." 5. Your name rhymes with red, but it's not Fred, Ted or Ned. 4. You always get a friendly slap on the back and knowing wink whenever you run into Ed Asner. 3. It seems like every time you get hit on the head with something, it's right after someone yells "Look out, Ed!" 2. You embark on a career in rap music as Snoop Doggy Ed. 1. You sign all of your letters to Penthouse, "Jim".

Top Ten Guys Who Sort of Look Like Me - November 21, 1994

10. Richard Baker 9. Michael Couchois (Koo-Schwah) 8. John Hughes 7. Jack Burgess 6. Sydney Smith 5. Gary Borger 4. Michael Lundeby 3. Matt King 2. Leonard Tepper 1. Regis Philbin

Top Ten Signs You're Not a Good Commander-in-Chief - November 22, 1994

10. The only time you see people in uniform is when you go to McDonald's. 9. Instead of "Hail to the Chief," the marine band plays you on with "Pop Goes the Weasel." 8. A guy steps on your toe in an elevator and you break down and tell him our nuclear launch codes. 7. At your favorite Chinese restaurant they name a dish after you: Lame Duck. 6. Your secret service code name is "Draft Dodging Hillbilly." 5. You think an M-16 is a bus route. 4. Whenever there's a 21-gun salute, you dive to the ground and whimper like a terrified puppy. 3. Instead of calling you "Mr. President," people call you "Cap'n Bonehead." 2. You're better with Fritos than vetos. 1. You take orders from your wife.

Top Ten Signs Your U.S. Senator is Nuts - November 23, 1994

10. He wants to be called "Cathy" 9. Breakfast, lunch and dinner? Zima 8. He's spending Thanksgiving on a bus to Miami 7. He demonstrates support for his tobacco-growing constituents by eating a pack of Luckies live on C-Span 6. 40-hour filibuster repeating the word "Pataki" 5. Refers to Bob Dole as "Pineapple Boy" 4. Pet project: Replacing "The Star Spangled Banner" with "The Pina Colada Song" 3. Demands that each of the 28 voices in his head should get to vote 2. He keeps inviting senate pages to his office to play a game called "Pocket Veto" 1. You live in North Carolina

Top Ten Movies Playing in Times Square on Thanksgiving Day - November 24, 1994

10. Humpkin Pie 9. Makin' Gravy 8. The Panty Clause 7. The Wizard of "Ahhh's" 6. Actual footage of turkey's doing it 5. Natural Born Hookers 4. Miracle on 34-28-36 Street 3. Forrest Rump 2. Pulp Friction 1. Stuff Me

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade - November 25, 1994

10. Watch out! The Amtrak float is heading this way! 9. Look, mom -- two men kissing! 8. Oh my God! Somebody just dropped a can of paint on Willard! 7. Hey, the New York Giant's float is going the wrong way. It's losing yardage. 6. Inflate me. 5. That big purple-faced thing isn't the Barney balloon -- it's Ted Kennedy! 4. Macy's sucks! 3. I'll take two pretzels, Gov. Cuomo. 2. That's not the Dolly Parton balloon -- that's Dolly Parton. 1. That ain't gravy.

Top Ten Signs You're a Shopaholic - November 28, 1994

10. In State-of-Union address, president thanks you for spurring economic growth 9. You live in a tent in the sporting goods section of Macy's 8. You've dropped, but yet you continue to shop 7. Your last four serious relationships were with mall cops 6. Your name is Sally Johnson, and now there's a store called "Gap for Sally Johnson" 5. You just brained an old lady to get the last pair of five-dollar mittens 4. You can't get your car out of the Stuckey's parking lot because you've got 3,300 pounds of pecan logs in the trunk 3. You've even purchased some of that Zima crap 2. You're in a private audience with Pope John Paul II, and you ask "How much for the big hat?" 1. You've nailed both Sears and Roebuck

Top Ten Santa Pick-Up Lines - November 29, 1994

10. I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly 9. I put the 'scroo' in 'Scrooge'! 8. I've got something you can hang a wreath on 7. One hour with me honey and you'll see flyin' reindeer 6. Buy you a Zima? 5. That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I'm glad to see you 4. Uh-yeah, that's right. I'm Kenny Rogers 3. I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley! 2. Giddy-up over here and say 'Howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love! 1. I've got an elf in my pants!

Top Ten Stores Not Doing Well This Holiday Season - November 30, 1994

10. Gap For Losers 9. Tick Town 8. Lance Ito's Fake Beard Store 7. Ye Olde Deadly Virus Shoppe 6. Boutros Boutros' Blouses 5. The House of Overpriced Crap 4. Al Sharpton's Medallion City 3. Denture Hut 2. Wacky Pataki's Electronics 1. Roseanne's Secret

Top Ten Ways the Post Office Will Spend the Extra Money from Rate Hike - December 01, 1994

10. Hire consultants to figure out how to plan next rate hike 9. To find new and better ways to lose our nation's mail 8. Stamps the size of door mats! 7. Face lift for Mr. Zip 6. Commemorative stamp collection featuring President Clinton and all of his mistresses 5. Lobby to put a mailman on Mount Rushmore 4. Battery-operated vibrating mail bags 3. Special stamp glue that gives you a three hour buzz 2. Retain the services of Robert Shapiro 1. Ammo! Ammo! Ammo!

Top Ten Lisa Marie's Complaints about Michael Jackson - December 02, 1994

10. Always screaming at the TV during Packers games 9. Keeps forgetting to put the cap back on the mascara 8. That moonwalking crap gets old real fast 7. It's always Liz Taylor this, Liz Taylor that... 6. I know I'm his wife--but the man wants sex morning, noon and night! 5. Jackson 5 closer to 4 and 5/8ths 4. The high-pitched squealing every time he sees a toy he wants 3. Chugs a couple of buds, falls asleep on the La-Z-Boy, and snores like a son-of-a-bitch 2. His bedroom filled with the overwhelming stench of chimp! 1. He's a great big freak!

Top Ten Signs You're a Bad Surgeon General - December 12, 1994

10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve 9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi Rum 8. Morning, noon and night you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown 7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator 6. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit 5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers 4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof" socks 3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy 2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school 1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima

Top Ten Reasons Roseanne Will Make a Good Mother - December 13, 1994

10. Every birthday, kid gets own TV show 9. One word name is less stressful for the child to memorize 8. Children can earn extra money by selling stories to the Enquirer 7. Won't make child adhere to stodgy conventions like eating with silverware 6. Child won't have to leave home to sell all her girl scout cookies 5. Breakfast, lunch and dinner -- loose meat sandwiches 4. Mom sits on a bully and presto! Bully tortilla! 3. She's on a two-hour feeding schedule herself 2. She took care of Tom for years 1. Already has "Bad-Ass Mom" tattoo

Top Ten Ways Democrats Can Increase Their Popularity - December 14, 1994

10. Show up for speeches wearing one of those Judge Ito beards 9. Give away booze-filled ceramic miniatures of Ted Kennedy 8. Personal thank you notes to both democratic voters 7. Have Hillary kick Bill's ass in public 6. Spray-paint "Regis sucks" on buildings across the nation 5. New surgeon general: Dr. Pepper 4. Dukakis/Tsongas in '96 3. Change name to "The Political Party Formerly Known as Prince" 2. Spend less time doing what Joycelyn Elders said should be taught in school 1. Lose Hillbilly Boy

Top Ten Surprises in the Presidential Address - December 15, 1994

10. Already gave his concession speech for '96 election 9. Arizona now called "Bubbatown." 8. Drunken Yeltsin calling every 30 seconds on the red phone to say, "Merry Christmas" 7. Each time President said, "Here, kitty, kitty," George Stephanopoulos would rub up against the podium 6. When he screamed at Jesse Helms, "You wanna piece of me, punk?!" 5. Stopped speech four times to eat popcorn balls off Christmas tree 4. Fist-banging tirade about how those pictures in "Penthouse" really didn't do Paula Jones justice 3. The President's unsolicited testimonial for big ass pork products 2. Secret Service guys held Newt Gingrich while Clinton slugged him in the stomach 1. He was sweatin' gravy!

Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid - December 16, 1994

10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!" 9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes 8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling 7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts 6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed 5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list 4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee 3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you" 2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown" 1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

Top Ten Least Popular Holiday TV Specials - December 19, 1994

10. The Gingrich That Stole Christmas 9. Rush Limbaugh Eats a Reindeer 8. Bob Hope's Dizzy Dizzy Christmas 7. Frothy the Runny-Nosed Snow Monkey 6. Richard Simmons Sweatin' with Elves 5. Harvey Fierstein's Hanukkah on Fire Island 4. Van Damme Kick-Boxes Santa to Death 3. The Dave Letterman Christmas Spectacular 2. Joycelyn Elders' Mistletoe-For-One Special 1. Teddy the Red-Nosed Kennedy

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad New Year's Eve Party - December 20, 1994

10. Brand of champagne: Dom Deluise 9. At midnight everyone gathers around to watch your Uncle Earl's pants drop 8. You wake up the next morning wearing a medallion and there's a note from Al Sharpton that says, "I'll call you" 7. You hear a guy count down before using the bathroom 6. Joycelyn Elders is there trying to get herself drunk 5. It's eleven o'clock at night, and you're watching Roger Ebert play Twister 4. Six times in a row, a champagne cork lodges in your trachea 3. The so-called "Party Hats" are really Letterman's old hairpieces 2. Everyone's gathered around the TV watching that geezer from "American Bandstand" 1. It's over by 9:30

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad New Year's Eve Party - December 20, 1994

10. Brand of champagne: Dom Deluise 9. At midnight everyone gathers around to watch your Uncle Earl's pants drop 8. You wake up the next morning wearing a medallion and there's a note from Al Sharpton that says, "I'll call you" 7. You hear a guy count down before using the bathroom 6. Joycelyn Elders is there trying to get herself drunk 5. It's eleven o'clock at night, and you're watching Roger Ebert play Twister 4. Six times in a row, a champagne cork lodges in your trachea 3. The so-called "Party Hats" are really Letterman's old hairpieces 2. Everyone's gathered around the TV watching that geezer from "American Bandstand" 1. It's over by 9:30

Top TenThings Overheard at the White House Christmas Party - December 21, 1994

10. It's so nice to have a president who can play Santa without padding 9. I'm sorry, Miss. There's no 'Paula Jones' on the guest list 8. You make an adorable elf, Mr. Stephanopoulos 7. Hey, who invited Nipsey Russel? 6. So what are you doing to pass the time these days, Ms. Elders? 5. Stand back -- Gore's gonna do a cannonball into the eggnog! 4. I've never seen a wreath made of French fries before! 3. Check it out! A bullet just shattered my punch glass! 2. See if Jimmy Carter can go 'negotiate' us another keg of brew! 1. This party sucks -- let's go to Newt's

Top Ten Items on the North Pole Police Blotter - December 22, 1994

10. More shots fired at Santa's house. 9. Elf removed from workshop with vibrating electric football set in his pants. 8. Unlicensed street vendor caught selling reindeer kabobs. 7. Rudolph busted for showing what else he can make glow. 6. Noise ordinances violated by Kathie Lee's singing. 5. Rowdy teens chasing Frosty the Snowman with a hair dryer. 4. Deranged gingerbread man arrested after several hours on street corner shouting, "Eat me!" 3. Mrs. Claus nabbed for hooking on 9th Ave. 2. Send the jaws of life: the old man's got his fat ass stuck in a chimney again. 1. Elfjacking.

Top Ten Movies Playing in Times Square This Christmas - December 23, 1994

10. I Saw Mommy Nailing Santa Claus 9. Three Elves and a Little Lady 8. North Poled 7. Nude and Nuder 6. Won't You Guide My Pants Tonight? 5. The Little Drummer Boy Becomes a Man 4. Mrs. Claus and the U.P.S. Guy 3. Not-So-Tiny Tim 2. Jocelyn Elders Home Alone 1. Jingle This!

Top Ten Signs You've Been Watching Too Much Football - December 26, 1994

10. You spend all your free time baking brownies for John Madden. 9. Every time you get up from the couch, you pull a groin muscle. 8. You actually watched the Jets-Oilers game on Saturday. 7. You are hurled from your car after a high-speed collision and your first thought is, "Oh boy, I'm in a nice tight spiral!" 6. You sweat Gatorade. 5. Someone says, "Pass the turkey," and you hurl that mother 60 yards. 4. All your clothes are make of pigskin. 3. After sex, you spike the pillow. 2. Your grandmother falls down the stairs and you yell, "Touchdown!" 1. Hash marks on your ass.