Learning to Let Go
By Carol Ruth Blackman

The bond between parent and child is very deep. The bond between mother and baby is
especially deep. When death causes this physical and emotional bond to break, parents are
faced with the difficult task of letting go. Letting go is an emotional challenge that wrenches the
heart when one first considers the need to let go.

Letting go is a process; for some it's a continual process for years, saying goodbye to one aspect
of the relationship and then another. For others, the parent hangs on to everything tightly all
along, then lets go either all at once or gradually over a short time period. Because our
personalities all differ, your process will be unique to your situation.

Whether our child lives or dies, there is a letting go process we need to go through for each
child, even though it contradicts our instincts. Because of the bond of love between parent and
child, we'd love to fight all our child's challenges with or for them; how we'd love to shield them
from all the pains of life. Letting go is painful and perplexing -- our heart says one thing, but our
head says another is best.

As children bring their broken toys,
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because He was my Friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried
"How can You be so slow?"
"My Child," He said,
"What could I do? You never did let go."
Author Unknown

The Dreaded Task
I found the task that I had dreaded so
Was not so difficult once begun;
It was the dread itself that was the foe,
And dread once conquered, means a victory won.
Margaret E. Bruner
Letting go does not mean we erase all the memories and love of our child. Letting go is simply
releasing our yearning and pain.
"But how could I let go of my precious baby?! That would be like betraying them!" Letting go may
seem like betrayal, but it's not. It's simply choosing to release our preoccupation with our
deceased baby which allows us to concentrate less on their loss and more on the good
memories so we can devote more of ourselves to the ones around us. Releasing them permits us
to say "yes" to life. Our child would not want us to be continually focused upon him or her to the
point we miss out on the everyday joys around us. We take only one day at a time but after
releasing them, the future looks less bleak.
There is no set time to let go of your baby after his or her death. Some are able to let go months
after the funeral; others require much more time. Complications to the grieving process such as
court cases, a violent death, multiple losses, not having worked through previous loss, not
knowing the circumstances of the death, not viewing the body, moving, having another
pregnancy before you've had time to heal much, compulsive behaviors and many other factors
may have the bereaved family concentrating on other things during the first year rather than
working through their grief, so saying good-bye often occurs much later for those with
complications to their grief experience.
When you conceive before you've had opportunity to heal from losing your baby, people may
advise you not to cry for the baby you lost. They mean well, but that is not always wise advice.
Mary Bell, who has provided grief support for years, shared in November 1993 BPS II that 3
months into her subsequent pregnancy which occurred shortly after losing her twin sons, she
was having premature contractions. They were caused by unresolved grief combined with her
fear of losing this baby. She had stuffed her grief well, thinking that crying and working through
her grief would cause her to lose this baby as well. Her doctor wisely counseled that she needed
help handling her grief. With a grief counselor's help she said good-bye to the expectations for
her sons, dealt with her anger, admitted her feelings and identified and dealt with her fears. The
premature contractions ceased. (This is not to say that premature contractions of a subsequent
pregnancy are caused by unresolved grief, nor to say that if you've not worked through your grief
you'll have complications in your subsequent pregnancy. I share this only as an example of grief
complicating a subsequent pregnancy, and that working through grief will have a positive effect
on physical and emotional complications.)

Many find that letting go or saying good-bye is not only an emotional release, but a spiritual
release as well. God already is taking care of their child, but it's a time when the bereaved let go
and give Him the custody of their child, which He already has.

Some parents have found it very comforting to mentally place their baby in Jesus' arms or take
their child's hand and place it in the hand of Jesus as they let go. Others release a balloon at a
special location. You might want to be alone or you may want someone special to be with you as
you release your child. Many have written a letter to the one they are releasing. Some make a
list of the things they miss or will miss doing with the child, then release each aspect of their
relationship and the things on the list. Many have found it convenient to use prayer for letting go.
They simply tell Jesus the pain, anger and every emotion they feel, letting the tears flow. You
may find it helpful to picture your child with Jesus and express the things to Jesus that you wish
you could say to your child. Then make the choice to release your child to their Heavenly Father
Who loves them even more than you do.
Those who have cremated their child and haven't taken care of the ashes yet, may want to
incorporate dispersal of the ashes or getting their child's name and date(s) on a marker in the
letting go process. When there is no headstone, plaque, tree or flower placed rather permanently
somewhere announcing to the world that this precious child lived, it's hard to say good-bye. If
you have not been able to purchase a marker for your baby, check into less expensive markers
such as wooden ones that could be coated with several coats of varnish. There is something
very healing about getting your child's name on a marker. It seems as long as there is no visible
announcement to the world that the child lived, the parents always have that nagging feeling of
unfinished business haunting them. Some have a tree planted with a little plaque at its base
when they have cremated their child and dispersed the ashes elsewhere. Others bury the ashes
with special plants. If you move frequently you could have a flower box that you move with you
that is a remembrance garden for your child.

Each one of us had a very special, unique relationship with our baby; so our letting go process
will be as uniquely individual as that relationship.

One thing to remember: letting go doesn't mean you let go of the memories. Once you do let go
of your child, you discover the sweet memories increase. Letting go does release the pain,
however. The memories stay; the pain fades.

Letting go may be the most difficult challenge you encounter in your grief, but the peace which
follows is incomparable.

Letting go is a significant step in the healing process. When we're able to let go of our child,
we're taking a giant step towards recovery. We will remain forever changed, but not forever sad.

I highly recommend the workbook THROUGH HEARTBREAK TO HEALING Hope for Parents
After the Loss of a Child by Carol Parrott, RN and Linda Jones, RN for bereaved parents. See
Resource list in November 1999 issue for availability. Carol Ruth Blackman
[Reprinted from Bereaved Parents Share II, May 1994; revised 2/99]

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