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You
know when you go to a concert like punk-rock
and
the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd?
People think that's dangerous, but not me... because humans
are
made of 95% water, so the audience is 5% away from a pool
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I
wanted a candle holder but the store didn't have one so I bought a cake
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I
like the fed ex guy because he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it.
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I
got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.
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I
played golf, I didn't get a hole-in-one,
but
I did hit a guy! That was way more satisfying!
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I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place
for
an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
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I'm
against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
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I
used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.
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Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me
when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "
Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?
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Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having.
"Goddamn it, Otto, you are an alcoholic." "Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis."
One
of those two doesn't sound right.
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An
escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.
You
would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign,
just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
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I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest
pizza chain on the planet,
because Pizza Hut will accept all
competitors' coupons.
That makes me wish I had my own
pizza place.
"Mitch's Pizzeria ... This week's
coupon: unlimited free pizza.
Special Note: coupon not good at any
of the Mitch's Pizza locations.
Free pizza oven with purchase of a
small Coke.
Two-for Tuesday: buy one
pizza, get one franchise free.
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I had a box of Ritz crackers and on the back of
the box of Ritz crackers it had all these suggestions as to what to put on top
of the Ritz. It said "Try it with turkey and cheese." "Try it with peanut
butter." Oh, c'mon man, they're crackers. That's why I got 'em! I like
crackers. There ain't no suggestion: "Put a Ritz on top of a Ritz." I didn't buy
'em 'cuz they're little edible plates.
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Have you ever seen the size of Pringles' containers? They look like tennis ball
containers I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on
the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes
arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up."
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I
don't have a microwave but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit
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I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling,
I'm
addicted to sitting in a semi-circle
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A waffle is like a pancake with
syrup traps.
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I make instant oatmeal in the morning then I don't do shit for an hour.
Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal,
I could make the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
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I
don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman
who'd be mad at me for saying that.
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Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball
and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several ...
simultaneously with two other guys... that look exactly like me...
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The
depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, You'll never
be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.
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I
like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.
If
I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it,
so
that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
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If
you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking
down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable...
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That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good
food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could
eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then
they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
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My
sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it.
She
does live in a trailer. She got half way.
She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
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I
have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the
last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
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You
know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob," but that's how it comes out
of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn,
corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it
"Mitch," and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together."
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I
use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is
different but has the same meaning. "Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?"
"All-encompassingly..."
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I
got my hair highlighted, because I felt
some strands were more important than others.
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I
like refried beans, that's why I wanna try fried beans, cause maybe they're just
as good and we're wasting time. you don't have to fry them again, after all.
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I
was at a casino minding my own business this guy comes up he says, your gonna
have to move your blocking the fire exit. so if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna
run. if your flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
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we
go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list.
they start callin out names, they say Dufrane party of two' and if no one
answers they'll say their name again, Dufrane party of two' but then if no one
answers they'll go right onto the next name, 'bush party of 3' yea - but what
happened to the Dufranes? no one seems to give a shit. who can eat at a time
like this? people are missing. you fuckers are selfish. the Dufranes are in
someone's trunk right now with duct tape over their mouth, and they're hungry!
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It
says you can have this product for 4 easy payments of 19.95. I would like to
have a product that was available for 3 easy payments, and one fuckin
complicated payment. we can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these
payments is gonna be a bitch.
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I
opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they
were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt
wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't
give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the
bottom, hope on top.
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I
like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I
wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick
and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
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Mitch
Hedberg Quotes