Colonel Blitzenburger's
Reconstruction Crusade

You all know my redoubtable buddy Colonel Blitzenburger. The Colonel is the type of officer who believes in the old-fashioned virtues of discipline, hard work, and a swift knee in the bollocks for those who won't get their finger out. When we apply the values of military life to society at large, he opines, the world will be a better place. In May 2003 the Colonel returned from liberating the folks in Iraq, an experience which left him full of hope that we can spread these values across the planet:-

Our armed forces are the bright blow-torch in our task of bringing reconstruction and justice to all. I don't know where people get the ridiculous idea of associating the military with violence. The object of the military is to fight and win wars, and thus to promote peace and prosperity for all. War is piece-work for our boys in the great job of building a better world.

A wonderful start has been made in the Gulf. A whole bunch of credit is due to Frankie Stein, supreme commander out East. His no-nonsense, hands-dirty approach is an inspiration to all our boys. Frankie, he's a guy who can change a kid's diapers without batting an eyelid. He has my full admiration and my vote!

War ain't no game. Those free-wheeling media guys caught in friendly fire should have took warning. Hell, I'm the no. 1 supporter of a free press. But, in time of war, embedding is the way to go. With our boys or six foot underground, they can take their pick.

We fought the war to free the folks in Iraq. But they cannot be truly free unless their country's great natural resources are unshackled too. That's why we have taken Iraqi oil under our wing. We sum up our policy in our campaign slogan, "Free Iraqi Oil!"

We're making good progress in democratizing Iraq, despite harassment from the hordes of local agitators. We've had to fight too against outside interference, since the day we came to the country. We give all these loony tunes a straight warning now: we'll be democratizing you next, buddies!

We are bringing the folks in Iraq some of the highest ethical literature so long denied them. The Reconstruction boys are arranging for the immediate distribution of five million copies of the Readers' Digest, to build up Iraqi character and morals. We all hope they'll be inspired, too, by the upcoming Iraqi translation of George W's philosophical treatise on the meaning of life, the American Way, and everything. We expect it to be ready real soon.

Iraqi archives are proving a treasure-trove of revelation on international terrorism. And I'm proud to say our own boys of the Tuxedo Ninth are playing a role in the discoveries. We had a big break three weeks ago. At last we know the truth about that slit-eyed commie disease that's ravaging the world. The secret Iraqi intelligence HQ in al-Akazam was leveled by a MOAB.

Now don't tell me there ain't no God! Surviving in the debris was a document written on tissue paper throwing a whole new light on SARS, the terrorists and the Reds. It proves that Saddam Hussein collaborated with that Al Kayeeda faggot and Red China to create and spread SARS throughout the world.

But it backfired on those commie gooks! They ended up on the receiving end of their own evil weapon. (And you can thank our boys in the CIA for that piece of table-turning.)

You want to know the real truth about Al Kayeeda? He's a Moscow-trained agent of the International Communist Conspiracy, designed as a weapon to destroy the Free World. And lately those slit-eyed commies have been collaborating with him in a global plot against the West.

But now we're wise to them. They won't be sitting pretty any longer. We'll show them some "wreck-instruction"!! Hell, it's what new-color weapons were invented for.