I sighed. Another boring day at home. Looking out the window, the rain came down in sheets, encasing everything in sight with a clear sheen. Boris, my pet spider, shuddered. He didn't like the rain much. "C'mun, Boz, I'll put yah back in yah cage," I told him, locking the door.

The Crime Montior beeped impatiently at me. "Yes?" I asked, switching it on.

"BUZZZ... Good day, Blackman! Lovely weather we're 'aving?" It was the Big Boss, in his official Big Bee costume.

"Not quite, sir. 'S rainin', an' 's upsettin' Boris."

"Ah well! 'Ve got a job for you nonetheless! Y'see, BUZZZ, someone 'as stolen world's supply of goat's cheese!" he exclaimed.

"I thought I took care o' tha' guy!" I mumbled, upset that I'd have to do the same job AGAIN.

"Oh, oops... BUZZZZ... I was lookin' at last week's script! Wot it REALLY is, is, uh... BUZZZ... uh... OH YES! Oscar the parakeet's takin' ovah the world. We need you to go an' find 'im an' stop 'im!" he buzzed at me.

I chuckled. "Y'mean ta tell me tha' a little PARAKEET 'as taken ovah the world? Yah must be joking!" I started to cry from laughing so hard.

"Now, now, don' cry! 'S not tha' bad! Besides, Oscar's a real 'assle to deal wif! 'E likes to sit up on 'is cage contemplating the meaning of life, an' if you disturb 'im, 'e bites you 'ard! BUZZZZZ!! But this time, 'e's gone too fah. 'E's taken ovah the world! An' now 'e's tryin' to make everyone go 'round believein' 'e's the 'ead. We need you to stop 'im."

"You 'onestly want me to bat'le a parakeet 'oo can't even tork, let alone take ovah the world? I won't 'ave it!" I told him, sticking my tongue out for good measure.

"Fine, fine. Since 's... BUZZZZ!!!!... such a 'ard job, we'll let ya bring Hairman along wit' ya. Hairman?" Big Boss replied.

"Wot is it, Sir?" asked Hairman, trying his hardest not to smirk at the Big Boss's costume, as he brushed his hair for the 50th time that minute.

"BUZZZZZZZZZ... We need you to go along wif Blackman to fight the evil parakeet Oscar 'oo's takin' ovah the world!" the Big Boss commanded.

"I'd be glad to! I've got my trusty jar of Dippidy-Doo to do the trick!" Hairman squealed, clutching the Dippidy-Doo to his chest. I sighed. This was 'oo was gonna 'elp me defend the world... from the clutches of a PARAKEET, no less?!

" 'Ey, Blackman, I'll be right ovah so we can discuss our battle plan!" Hairman addressed me.

"Sure, fine, take your time..." I trailed off, hoping he'd get the idea that it was nothing serious.

"TAKE my TIME?! This is SERIOUS!" He hadn't got the idea.

"BUZZZZZ, Well, BUZZZ, I'll be leaving you to to find Oscar and put 'is plan outta business! BUZZZZZ... Report back to me when you finish! BUZZZZZ... Bye! BUZZZZZ..." the Big Boss signed off.

I sighed and signed off. I decided to go change into my Blackman outfit, which was me favorite black leather shirt, black leather pants, and black leather shoes. No sooner had I gotten dressed than Hairman leapt in.

"So, are ya ready to PLAN FOR ACTION?!" he yelled, over-dramatizing.

"ROGAH! I mean, HAIRMAN! GET REAL!! 'S just a lit'le PARAKEET!" I screamed at him. He gave me a look like I was crazy.

"Wot do yah mean, 'just a lit'le parakeet'? 'S OSCAR! The evilest villain IN THE WORLD!! 'Aven't you evah gone up against 'im before? 'E's TRICKY, and, above tha', 'e's FAST! You can nevah CATCH 'im! 'E's worse than Leader Pete!" Hairman continued to babble.

"Olright, olright, I get it! So, wot do yah wanna do first?"

"Well, we need to find out where 'e's 'iding!" Hairman smiled.

"WELL," I started, getting a bit annoyed, " 'OW should we be goin' on 'bout tha'?"

Suddenly, the Villain Monitor sprung into action.

"Yah'er gettin' a call on the Villain Monitor!" Hairman gasped.

"Well, REALLY... I HADN'T noticed..." sarcasm oozed from my voice. But Hairman was oblivious to this.

" 'Oo's there?" Hairman asked warily as a figure came onto the screen.

"It is I, OSCAR! WAHNT WAHNT WAHNT!" Oscar the parakeet screamed.

I stood there, gaping at it. The stupid little bird just talked! And had formed a whole sentence that actually made sense!

"I'm not stupid, Blackman... AND I can READ your THOUGHTS! WAHNT WAHNT WAHNT!" Oscar screamed again.

"Don't you worry, Oscar, 'cos we're comin' after YOU, so YOU BETTER WATCH OUT!" Hairman promised, trying to look threatening, but coming across as dorkish.

"WAHNT WAHNT WAHNT! Did the chemicals in your Dippidy-Doo seep through your THICK skull or something? Very strong, those chemicals must be, to get through that! You'll NEVER catch me!" Oscar screamed, and then tried to smile. The smile didn't come off well, however, because he had a beak...

"*GASP* There's no chemicals in my Dippidy-Doo! SEE?! NON-TOXIC! PERFECTLY SAFE! PLBBT!" Hairman defended his beloved hairgel and blew Oscar a raspberry.

I hung my head down, shaking it ever-so-slowly. This three-year-old was my sidekick...?

"Yeah, well, you'll STILL NEVER CATCH ME! WAHNT WAHNT WAHNT! This is Oscar, signing off from Rantravia... D'OH!" Oscar signed off, accidentally giving away his location. Just before he disappeared from the screen, I could hear him mumbling, "Wahnt-wahnt-wahnt... hmm... more careful next time... being Prime Minister ain't easy... wahnt wahnt wahnt..."

"So, 'ow are we gonna get to Rantravia?" Hairman asked a semi-obvious question.

I rolled my eyes, sighing. "Fly, you dumbarse."

"Okay! But wait... we don't know where Rantravia is!" Hairman suddenly brought to my attention.

"Oh... right..." I flipped on the Crime Monitor. "Big Bee-er-Boss, we need to know where Rantravia lies!"

"BUZZZZZZZ... Rantravia? Well, I'll get out my BUZZZZ Big Boss Official Villain Map, available only through this special offer! BUY! BUY! BUY!" the Big Boss sold.

"No, no, we don' wanna BUY it, can you jus' tell us where Rantravia is??" I asked, getting a little annoyed.

"BUZZZZZ! Oh, sorry! I BUZZZZ... get paid more to do that, you know. BUZZZZZZ... any'ow, I think tha' Rantravia is... BUZZZ... right there. See?" he asked expectantly, holding up a map that was labeled, "RANTRAVIA. Home of: Great food, low taxes, and WORLD DOMINATION!!"

I shook my head. This Oscar was a sick puppy--parakeet, I mean.

"WOW!! C'mun, Blackman, le's GO!" Hairman shouted.

"BUZZZZ... If you tunnel, make sure you turn *LEFT* at Albequerque!" the Big Boss yelled to us. "Bye now!"

I switched off the Crime Monitor, and said to Hairman, "Right. Le's go!"

The two of us first stepped outside my door, and then burst into flight. (I don't appreciate having to repair the holes in my ceiling.)

The rain outside didn't make it any easier to fly, so we got up ABOVE the atmosphere for good measure.

We looked down at the world below us. I frowned. "Now 'ow will we know which one's Rantravia from all the waiy up 'ere?"

"Uh, Blackman...?" Hairman asked me.

"Wot is it, 'Airman?"

"Just look down at the countries. The names are labeled onto 'em."

He pointed down. Sure enough, they were!

"Well, THA'S a new developement..." I muttered, and started to land in Rantravia.

Once we got our bearings in this strange place, we took in our surroundings. Bright sunlight flooded from everywhere. There were plenty of trees to climb. And there were MANY mirrors with bells attached to them. Needless to say, Hairman was in heaven.

"LOOK! Look at all the mirrahs! Wow! Oh, I like this one... mm... ah... yes, OH! I 'ave to fix me 'air!" With that, he whipped out his HUGE jar of Dippidy-Doo and started styling his hair.

I practically had to drag him away from the mirror. Nevertheless, he had successfully managed to fix his hair by the time I was pulling him away. "C'mun, le's go find Oscar. Uh... where is 'e?" I asked.

"Blackman..." Hairman sighed, and pointed to a HUGE sign that said, "OSCAR'S HEADQUARTERS."

I shrugged, and said, "Well, le's go inside!"

We burst through the door, and into a giant meeting room. All the chairs were empty, except for the big red one in the front of the room.

" 'Oo's there?" I asked suspiciously.

The chair whirled around, and sitting in the chair was... LEADER PETE! With Oscar on his shoulder!

"*GASP* LEADER PETE!!" gasped Hairman.

Leader Pete smiled a cruel smile. " 'Ello, 'Airman. 'Ello, Blackman. D'ya see 'oo I've joined forces wif? Tha's right. OSCAR, the evil parakeet! An' togethah, we plan to turn the 'ole world into WHITE PANTS CLANSMEN!! YES!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

Hairman and I just stared at him blankly. "Uh, Leader Pete..." I began.

"The White Pants Clansmen are gone," Hairman finished for me.

"Gone? GONE? *GONE*?! MUAHAHAHAHA!! They walk the Earth STILL! Look at the Big Screen! What do you see?!" Leader Pete chided with another evil laugh.

Sure enough, on the Big Screen, there were legions of people wearing WHITE PANTS. I gasped. This couldn't be possible!

"I've got an 'ole NOTHAH Clan out there! Waiting valiantly for their Leader! And Oscar will help me do it!" he bellowed on.

"Wahnt, wahnt, wahnt..." Oscar muttered. "As the Prime Minister of Rantravia, I have a lot of *wahnt* POWER in politics! And therefore, people listen to me! I OWN A WELL-RESPECTED COUNTRY IN THE CRIME WORLD! YOU ALL SHALL CONFORM!! THE WHITE PANTS CLAN SHALL RULE ON HIGH WITH ME!!"

"You're... biiiiisssssarre..." Hairman trailed off.

"And PROUD OF IT! Eh, Oscar?!" Leader Pete cooed to the little parakeet, who then bit him hard.

"You shall *NEVER* coo to me EVER AGAIN!! WAHNT!" Oscar screamed his loudest, which hurt my ears. I yelped in pain.

"Oh yes... I forgot to mention my secret weapon of my scream, didn't I? WAHNT MUAHAHAHA!!" Oscar shouted with all his might, sending me reeling.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!" Hairman screamed back.

Oscar fell to the floor with a THUD! and a startled look on his face. Leader Pete did the same.

"WON'T GET FOOLED AGAIN!!" Hairman continued to scream. His screams did not affect me, because I had put in my trusty earplugs.

"Tha's nice, 'Airman. Le's round these two up, shall we?" I asked him, pointing to Oscar and Leader Pete, who lay on the floor in a dazed state.

"Sure," he replied.

"WOT?" I asked, not hearing him.

"I said, SURE!"

"*WOT?!*" I repeated myself, taking out my earplugs.

"*SURE!!*" he replied, screaming directly in my ear after I had taken out my earplugs.

"OWWW! DON'T SCREAM!!" I commanded him.

Hairman shriveled a bit, afraid of me. After all, I could use my Great Mental Capacity on him, and POOF! No more Hairman! But, I wouldn't be that mean.

Hairman threw a glob of his Dippidy-Doo at the two villains, causing them to stick together.

"Good work, Hairman!" I exclaimed. "I really underestimated you, and your scream. Maybe we should change your name to Lungman!"

"Nah... me 'air always comes first!" he laughed, running his hands through it.

We flew back to my house, and contacted the Big Boss on the Crime Monitor.

"BUZZZZZ... Good work, Blackman and Hairman! I'm very BUZZZZ! proud of you. An' now, 'ow will you de-glob those two?" the Big Boss wanted to know.

"Once we get 'em in jail, we can use my Great Mental Capacity to do it," I told him.

"Olrighty. BUZZZ-byes now!"

"Bye," Hairman and I said in unison as I switched off the Crime Monitor.

"Tha' was awfully easy, wa'n't it?" Hairman asked.

"Of course it was! 'S only a 'alf-'our show, yah know. Well, le's bring these CRIMINALS to the penitentiary!" I told him, with a "Duuuuh..." note in my voice.

"I'll do it, Blackman! You can practice your Great Mental Capacity from afar today!" he told me.

I shrugged. "Wotevah..."

With that, Hairman leapt out the door dramatically.

"Ah, 'ey look Boris, the rain's stopped a while ago! 'Ere, I'll let you outta yer cage. Yah know wha'? Another crisis averted, thanks to, Blackman!"