My friends, I bring bad news of the battle of Stamford Bridge on Saturday 21 February in the Year of our Lord 2004. As on so many previous occasions, the army of King Ranieri has been slaughtered - but this time on sacred ground. The King is still standing, but rumours persist of his near certain demise at the hands of the now exiled Prince of Swedan. When I asked where the Prince was residing, I was told "sweet FA".
The battle was awful. Despite initial success in the first skirmish, the Gunners on the opposite side hemmed us in and drained our army of its spirit. Our enemy, with its great Arsenal, did not choose to fight in a chivalrous manner, preferring instead to trip our footsoldiers up rather than fight fairly. The legendary reputation of "Diver Pires" was indeed accurate, as he survived the battle by diving and playing dead, so none of our soldiers could see him anymore. These tactics might not have worked though had our own Captain "Tottenham" Sullivan not made a horrible mistake right in the middle of the battlefield. He attacked the Arsenal hordes on horseback with a lance, only to hold the lance the wrong way round. He lanced himself and several of his own side, allowing the enemy a critical breakthrough. The battle was lost.
In the end, the enemy danced and hugged each other on our most sacred ground. They knew they had conquered us in our own home City, and they let us know that was what they'd done. We are now an occupied Country, under the evil rule of Emperor "Weasel" Wenger. They guard every gate in the land. They laugh at our people, calling us "scum", "shit" and the worst insult imaginable, "losers".
But they have not counted on the "force of the Chels". We want our land back. We want to smell the air of freedom. We want our dignity and self respect back. And we will not let some dirty, garlic smelling, arrogant bunch of Arses keep these things from us. The flame is still burning. It is hidden just now, but it will burn bright one day. When it does, the Great Army of the Arse will not know what hits them.
We ask only for freedom - free Stamford Bridge from its occupation!
Troo Bloo Boo Hoo
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