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If you were to turn on my television and browse the options available
to you, you would find an astounding selection of shows that
cater to the penis. They are targeted for the
penis, with names
like WEAPONOLOGY and SMASH LAB and DIRTY JOBS. I’m not saying some of
them dosn't offer appeal to both genders
(Mike Rowe, after all, isn’t entirely difficult to watch,
especially if you
imagine him disrobing after one of his DIRTY JOBS to wash
off all that dirtiness
This lead to massive bouts of laughter and an unprecedented level of not giving a shit.
cracked.com
Roosevelt received letters from army cavalrymen complaining
about having to ride 25 miles a day for training and,
in response, Teddy rode horseback for 100 miles, from
sunrise to sunset, at 51 years old, effectively rescinding
anyone's right to complain about anything, ever again.
cracked.com
The Vikings' modus operandi was to attack exclusively from the sea,
pillage, rape and burn then sail off while trading hearty high
fives and congratulatory butt slaps.
cracked.com
That whole thing was so lame I actually felt violated
for having watched it.
Sundry
I roll out of bed, which is usually between ten and ten-thirty.
For me this is early, but for Hugh and most of our neighbors
it’s something closer to midday. What they do at 6 A.M. is anyone’s
guess. I only know that they’re incredibly self-righteous about it,
and talk about the dawn as if it’s a personal reward,
bestowed on account of their great virtue.
David Sedaris
Tell me another one, Fibby McBullshit
Sundry
Sometimes when we are generous in small, barely detectable ways it can change someone else’s life forever.
Margaret Cho
When you're watching your favorite TV show, do you often find yourself wishing that the plot would be completely derailed by hardcore pornography? If the answer is yes (which you know it is), then the Slash Fan Fiction community might be just the place for you.
cracked.com
But you might say, "Cracked, Rocket is such a badass name!" OK, but you've got to try to imagine this kid having a life outside of the gay porn industry
cracked.com
Our only defense? To panic.
When I see people wearing Crocs, I know immediately that we have nothing in common, and that we could never be friends or have any meaningful kind of relationship
Best page in the universe
Last night, Babs dreamt that she made out with Christian Bale. It was so great. The details of how and why they hooked up were a bit fuzzy in the dream, but Babs does recall that Christian was shirtless and kept looking at her the way Keanu Reeves looks at Sandra Bullock at the end of Speed. Like there was no other woman on earth for him. Like his life before Babs had been a pathetic, hollow existence.
Mr. Bale first got Babs's attention back in the early nineties when he starred in Little Women and got shafted by Winona Ryder. (The hell? And then she ends up with the way less savory Gabriel Byrne. Such a parallel to real life in which Noni broke up with Johnny Depp and started dating Dave Pirner of Soul Asylum. But Babs digresses.)
Babs's lust for Christian increased steadily after she saw him in the British indie sleeper Metroland, which contains some excellent butt shots. But that lust reached a new frenzy when Babs saw American Psycho for the first time. Babs could endlessly rewatch one of the opening sequences in which Bale is shown going through his morning workout and grooming rituals. The man is beyond hot.
'Scuse Babs while she puts American Psycho in her DVD player right now. She may just lick her TV screen.
Sure thing Babs
JB was home for a little while yesterday and said he saw one of the workers lifting off the top of the stove to get the whole thing cleaned. I . . . did not know the top of the stove could be lifted off.
Sundry
"Aaagh. God, I'm sick of driving."
"You're not even driving. You're just sitting there. I'm doing all the driving."
"Oh! Well then, please accept this Purple Heart on the behalf of the United States people. Thank you, brave soldier."
Sundry
"The porn," I said.
"Yeah. I mean, there are a bunch of old magazines and videos and stuff." He showed me a brown bag which contained a sizable pile of Adult Entertainment.
"Well, not to imply anything here, but when's the last time anyone, you know, looked at this stuff? And what's this magazine, anyway, it's dated 1997. I mean, the pubic hair styles have clearly moved on."
Sundry
My health-related resolutions this year are to go to the gym at least two, ideally three days per week
and to fit back into my size 8 clothing. Pardon me while I issue a short, bitter bark of laughter at the
complete lack of discipline that will doubtlessly undermine my goals five minutes into 2006.
Sundry
Ben Kingsley. He's bored through the whole movie. If he wasn't, then that's a testament to his acting skills because he looked like he didn't give a rats ass about what he was doing. Still, he turns in the best performance in the movie. When coasting and indifferent Kingsley was still 10 times better than anyone else in the flick. Hope that mortgage payment was worth it.
aintitcool.com
How do I join the Mailing List?
The Mailing List is the home of eliteness, urbanity and intelligence. Without wishing to be rude, you may want to have a think about whether you're suited to such company, given that you're unable to spot a 318x48 rollover image that reads "Join The Mailing List... Here" immediately below the final TMGAIHAA entry.
Mill Millington
You're in a housing project with Mickey Mouse, and this is a kitchen simulator. Explaining this at any greater length would do nothing but humiliate us both.
Seanbaby
My own depression revealed itself in standard ways, in exhaustion and irritability, but I also experienced what Thompson refers to as "anger attacks," and I threw heavy objects at walls and tore the front door off its hinge. I don't know yet what effect that behavior has had on my daughter, but it's safe to assume that if she grows up and figures out world peace that she won't cite that one time I threw a 32-ounce water bottle at her father as one of those moments when she saw the beauty in humankind.
Dooce
...Also dated a guy who said he couldn't bring himself to sleep with women who had big butts. I didn't take that stipulation very seriously because an ass is not a physical characteristic that I will ever possess, much like boobs or manageable hair. It wasn't until I realized that his aversion to butts was just Chapter One in his memoir The Innumerable Ways I am Out of My Fucking Mind, and by Chapter Four: I Cannot Bring Myself to Sleep With Women Who Have Vaginas, I knew that I had stumbled into the wrong section of the library, if you know what I'm saying.
Dooce
"This timeline has become tiresome, and may not touch my monkey."
I cannot stress enough how I hope those people rot in the depths of hell and have Satan himself use their burnt flesh as his condoms while he screws rabid pitbulls in the ass.
Or something like that.
Uncle Bob
The first night in the cabin Jon's mother insisted that he sleep in her room because ours was so small that we could barely turn around without bumping into all four walls. I insisted that he not sleep in her room because, remember, I want her to like me, not curse me or say mean things about my clothes. But if you knew Jon's mother then you would know that her insistence is the supreme insistence, trumping all other insistences, including that of the local and state governments, the Supreme Court, officials at the Pentagon, and God. God asks Jon's mother for permission to take a shit.
Dooce
Best quote: "YOU posted your opinion on this message board and you don't see me asking for "evidence" that you are an illiterate Colobus monkey, do you?"
Fandom Wank
Everyone you see on screen is not an actor ... they're all friends of the writer/director/star Hal Warren. They're not even amateur actors ... and none of them got paid. Which is highway robbery when you consider Kevin Costner still gets paychecks whenever he does a film.
Uncle Bob
With just around nine months until the movie is due in cinemas May 26, 2006 it's going to be tight, but fingers crossed. Certainly, scriptwriter Zak Penn (who's writing the movie along with Simon Kinberg) remained bullish when Empire bumped into him recently. Word to the wise, Zak: if you get in a bind, story-wise, just let Wolverine go berserk. Oh, and our Helen says can his shirt fall off? Again?
www.empireonline.co.uk
"Man, you're really hitting it hard with the Ben & Jerry's," JB said the other day, observing me anxiously root through the freezer like a crazed truffle pig. Then he risked severe physical trauma by going on to loftily inform me that I "couldn't eat this way forever, you know".
(Let me take a brief parenthetical to say that JB has been incredibly supportive, has told me I look wonderful on a daily basis, and even recently presented me with a beautiful necklace containing a sapphire - the September birthstone - however, he apparently missed the part of the no-shit-sherlock manual that says Thou Shalt Not Criticize Thy Wife's Pregnancy Eating Habits, Especially During The Last 5 Weeks.)
I believe my answer may have been heard by dogs in South America, so shrill was my response, which included briefly channeling Catherine O'Hara's Beetlejuice character and shouting something about how if I couldn't have ice cream I would go crazy and I would take him with me.
Sundry Mourning
Mobile phones for pets. Phones. For. Pets.
It's just so wrong we don't know where to
start. When is your dog going to be to busy
to call you from the land line anyway?
B3TA
I had to fight the urge to bow before her and call her Master.
Dooce
Her: "Father?"
Me: "Yes?"
Her: "I read the book that you wrote about me. I am deeply hurt, and I feel that you have violated both my trust and my privacy. I do not see how you could ever make it up to me."
Me: "I see. Here is your pony."
Her: "Thank you."
Irony Central
As for the idea of Ron and Hermione having a son(chuckles as the distant roars of a million shippers reach my ears, all cursing me to an eternity of unsatisfied curiosity).
J.K. Rowling
Also this weekend, I watched Horatio Hornblower: The Duchess and the Devil. Sadly, Horatio did not take his shirt off, but he was locked up in a Spanish prison, and he did get dripping wet a few times. Woot!
"There's only 14 people invited to the wedding?"
"Yep. One of the benefits of both of us coming from dysfunctional families."
Two women heard in passing...
So you and all your little friends can try and start a petition to shut me down, but let me warn you, many have tried before you and all have failed. And history tells us that never ever, not even once, has a group of little 13 year old girls ever made a difference at all, ever.
Sorry.
Bob
Normal Bob Smith
This appointment revealed that I have what's called partial placenta previa - it's where the placenta partially covers up the cervix, because it's a dumbass and no one told it not to do that.
Sundry
Sorry, Esteban and I watched the second Star Wars over the weekend, because it was so awful the first time that we blocked out a lot of plot elements. Or, apparently, thought we did, for there were no plot elements other than long meaningful glances and Samuel L. Jackson still managing to appear like one bad muthaJedi, despite his long flowing robes of Zen and tranquility. And the questions I have, the questions about Anakin's robotic hand and how that all translates to his and Padme's sex life, these questions they go unanswered. And probably for the best. Unless that's in the next installment too, along with all of the purported darkness. "What's the matter? Annie, are you ok, are you ok Annie? You don't love me. I'm a machine to you"." That's not true". "Oh? Then why did I wake up and find you using the hand by yourself?" And then three minutes of meaningful glances and then Obi Wan pops his head in (ding) and says "I've got a bad feeling about this."
Weetabix
Tomorrow is Free Comic Book Day. I've never actually gone to a comic shop and gotten free comics on FCBD, because I'm all weird about it. You know how on Buffy on the actual vampires and spooks and ghouls took Halloween off? That's kinda how I am about FCBD. Heh.
Devildoll
Hold on: crisps. I should probably clarify this for the American Listers. What are actually 'crisps', you'd call 'chips'. Um, and what are actually 'chips', you'd call 'fries'. Which, as far as I can see, leaves you with nothing to call 'fries'. I fear you rather painted yourselves into a corner with that one.]
Mill Millington
Hi, my name is Heather and I used to have a career and make lots of money. Now I poop while my daughter sits at my feet and plays with Tampax, and that's what I consider a successful morning.
Dooce
I have a couple tankinis, but when I tried them on the other day I seemed to hear a peal of cruel laughter, possibly from the cat. The tankinis, they are not flattering right now, which I'm sure is because of the pregnancy, not because of my, um, total disregard for daily caloric boundaries over the last few months.
Sundry
Babs had grown tired of dodging the many turds lining the sidewalks, cursing the local dog owners who failed to clean up after their pets. Hello, people! If one does not want to pick up poo, one should not have a dog. That's Babs main justification for canine avoidance. She doesn't really want to have a baby right now, either, and it's primarily for the same reason
Babs
Sometimes Jon will get him so riled up that Chuck will be holding on to one end of a tug toy, Jon the other, and he can lift the dog off the floor over and over again as he bounces the toy up and down. It's very fun to watch especially when Chuck is wearing a flowery, silk blouse with matching sash.
But when Leta tries to engage him in play his ears go missing and he looks up at me like WHY DID YOU BRING HER INTO OUR HOME?
Dooce
My uterus would like to announce to the world that it is angry and not going to take this anymore.
Weetabix
And who the hell drinks merlot anyway? Seriously, what kind of moron would put that shit into their system? I don't need a movie to make up my mind about whether or not to drink merlot, the commercial they had a few years back was enough. It had a bunch of snobby cunts in a log cabin wearing turtle neck sweaters, as they ripped open a box of merlot and started rubbing it on themselves before they sacrificed three virgins to Kali. Man, I know that sounds like a bullshit commercial, but now that I think about it, if they really had a commercial like that, I'd drink merlot out of principle.
The best page in the universe
I must admit that my aversion to drinking breast milk is something of a double-standard. Let me try to put this as delicately as I can out of respect to my female readers... but some women have been known to willingly "ingest" a certain dubious "body fluid" made by men, during moments of "intimacy." (These moments are known as "blow jobs." These women are known as "awesome.")
http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/cat_steve_dont_eat_it.php
These elderly citizens go there year after year, sitting in natural hot springs, absorbing the desert heat, and having conversations like this:
Codger A: "Hey, Bob."
Codger B: "Hey, Frank."
Codger A: "It's a hot one today."
Codger B: "Sure is. Say, you hear Joe died?"
Codger A: "Oh, really?"
Codger B: "Yeah."
Codger A: "Damn shame."
Codger B: "I have taken his woman as my own."
Irony central
Did a party for these girls last year and had a great time because young girls appreciate having a DJ at their parties. They're not so jaded that they stand there saying "He shouldn't have mixed The Used into Coldplay ... that really harshed my dancing buzz" with their hands on their hips and staring at me like total bitches who just need to get A FUCKING LIFE, YOU WHORES!! GET A LIFE!!!!
...Sorry ... flashback of another party.
Uncle Bob
Most of what I know about Japanese cuisine comes from Iron Chef, so I was going to recreate it. It fit my fourth of July theme perfectly. It starts with Chairman Kaga emerging in riding gloves and a cape to reveal a secret ingredient from a billowing cloud of his own gay
Seanbaby
Hello once more, my dearest Mailing Listers. How striking you all look today. Proud of lip, bold of nose, and, as always, with the fascinating sparkle of a nascent murderous rage twinkling in your eyes.
Mill Millington
There's an apple, an orange and a banana sitting beside me on my desk, and I can't decide which one of them to eat. None of them are appealing to me right now. Why aren't any of you Mars Bars? Useless bastards.
Dietgirl
He asked, "So what are you going to be called when you are a grandmother?"
I answered, "I dunno, certainly not "Grandma.""
And he said, "They're going to call you, "Crotchety Old Hag."
And I responded, "Yeah, well then they'll call you, Crotchety Old Hag's Bitch."
Dooce
Oh my God Lateo is alive.
And her mind is still in the gutter.
Devil Doll
Since Anna (NewWifey's shopping cohort) was Swedish, most of the stuff came from that one country. I didn't realize there was any difference between those lands other than the pronunciation of their names, but Anna was adament that the divisions were profound. Apparently the quality of the snow varies from one to the other, and therein lies the basis for each to look down on their neighbor. Seems like as good a reason as any to me.
Dangerspouse
There comes a point in every relationship when you have to ask yourself,"Am I willing to stick a bottle of A1 sauce up this person's butt?" And in that relationship the answer was, "Just once and now I never want to see you again."
Dooce
Also, this job has been a lot of fun. Here are just a few of the things that, as a professional humor columnist, I have actually been paid to do:
I picked up my son, Rob, at his junior high school in the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. (Rob, now 24, claims he has forgiven me. Although, to be safe, I'm still in the federal witness protection program.)
Dave Berry
Esteban specifically told me to not get this person anything because he had it all taken care of. So, being a trusting kind of person, I didn't. Or as Jake recently pointed out, I give people just enough rope to hang themselves.
Weetabix
Is that how it works with you guys? Is Jack the more organised one or something?
Jack: No, but my voice is like the voice of Thor. When I speak it's like a [expletive] thunderbolt, and people quake and shiver and shit happens
If you are lucky enough to have no children and become irritated by my whinging, well, you should take issue with whoever is standing behind you with a baseball bat forcing you to read this shit
Irony central
Terri's not able to have children. I'm guessing it's because Nate has bored all of his sperm into committing suicide. I dunno.
Uncle Bob
Nate then entertained the table with a lengthy story about his hair and how it is sometimes mistaken for a military cut.
Ever tried to secretly slit your wrists with a butter knife in a crowded restaurant?
Trust me ... it takes a while and all you get are sore wrists and worried stares.
Uncle Bob
I seriously don't drink much anymore.
But the situation demanded that I alter as many brain cells as possible in order to make these people seem more interesting.
Uncle Bob
Hate mail: "let him who is vile continue to be vile"
Bob's reply: Wow. Whoever said that sounds like a total slacker.
Normalbob
"Today is gonna be an uh, a less bad day, I can feel it. Sometimes I wake up and I just know that everything is going to be...less bad"
Took two vacation days for the Sunriver trip, and came back to find out Workplace has given us the 23-27th off. Which is cool, but damn, I wish I would have known that earlier. Also, worst timing ever - I am absolutely drowning in printing deadlines, shipping deadlines, and other assorted annoyances related to Macworld. I could use all this time off after the damn tradeshow, but hey. In a perfect world I'd just be riding my unicorn around, wearing my size-6 jeans and all, so I am used to life's little disappointments.
Sundry
And then the woman went ahead and said something like, "If it persists for 10 or more days, give us a call back." 10 OR MORE DAYS? WHAT? I barely made it through the night last night. In 10 days WE'LL ALL BE DEAD. Had I known that kids come with untreatable sicknesses that last MULTIPLE HOURS and by that I mean HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS of them, I might have just stuck with that career thing I had going that was making me miserable BUT NOT 10 WHOLE DAYS MISERABLE.
Dooce
Then, because there was nobody else in line, Andrew scampered off Santa's lap ... AND WOULDN'T LEAVE.
He stood there, jabbering to Santa about God knows what while Santa looked like he was about to kick my son in the head.
Uncle Bob
That's right. I'm talking about the perpetuator of ass kicking himself, Lo Pan from Big Trouble in Little China: one of the best movies ever made. Lo Pan, for those of you who are adept at depriving yourselves of things that rule, is an evil war lord cursed to roam the world in spirit form
Maddox
Talking about Marvel book of the dead:
I bought this simply to have it around for reference, because you never know when you'll need to know exactly how and why Baron Zemo died.
Devil Doll
It was a difficult time for me, but one day my mom, bless her heart, had a talk with me. She told me that girls were not interested only in looks -- that the qualities that really mattered were brains and a sense of humor. That little talk was long ago, but it taught me an invaluable life lesson I have never forgotten: Moms lie when they have to. The truth is that -- and I speak here as a trained humor professional -- women are definitely more interested in muscles than a sense of humor. You will never hear a woman say: ''I wish Brad Pitt would put his shirt back on and tell some jokes!''
The problem is that weights -- follow me closely -- are heavy. When you lift them, your muscles hurt, which is your body's way of telling you: ''Stop lifting weights, moron!'' (Or, in some cases: ''There's a worm in your brain!'')
But I'm making progress: This very morning I "bench-pressed"' a total weight of -- and here, to make it look more impressive, I will use the metric system -- 4,082,331.33 centigrams. Lying on my back, I was able to lift this weight INTO THE AIR, then bring it back down onto my chest, thus completing a ''bench press.''
Unfortunately, I couldn't get the weight back off my chest. Seriously: I was trapped. My wife had to come rescue me. She thought it was very funny; I heard her laughing all the way back to the kitchen.
Dave Barry
You think I want to have muscles like that, so women will look at me and think: ''Wow! I would like to see HIS syndicated column!
Dave Barry
Tons of food. Thanksgiving is one of my least favorite holidays and definitely my MOST hated meal. Actually, I just hate dressing/stuffing and all the freakin' nasty looking casseroles that I'm encouraged to eat.
DAD: "Try it! It's Lobster Green Bean Dog Snot Casserole! You'll like it!"
ME: "No thanks."
DAD: "C'mon! Try a bite!"
ME: "I'm not that hungry. Really."
DAD: "Goddammit ... try a bite NOW!"
ME: "Dad ... I'm 42. I'm not 6. I don't want it, I'm not eating it."
DAD: "Goddamned kids."
Uncle Bob
My holiday shopping is all done, thank Amazon god, and almost everything is wrapped with my signature forty-tons-of-scotch-tape method (if it doesn't take someone fifteen minutes with a Swiss army knife to undo a package, it hasn't been wrapped properly, by golly),
Sundry
So now I bring a little cooler in with me each time to carry their little bags o' piss with me.
And I smile big every time the office manager looks at me.
I'm killing this bitch with kindness.
First.
After that, I'm going the razor sharp machete route.
Uncle Bob
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