"Nah," I said. "I stopped giving a shit years ago."
I,Asshole

Because that's where it begins and ends, baby.

I'm all about Logan.

I am a Logan Whore.

I accepted this about myself long time ago. That's just the way it is. I will read almost anything that has him in it. Het, slash, gen, whatever. If he's in it as a main character, I'll probably give it a shot.

That's not to say that I like everything I read, because I don't. I have issues and I have squicks and there are writers I avoid. But, in general, if Logan's in it, I'm there.

I didn't start out that way. My first exposure to slash was in the Buffy fandom, and I ran screaming the other way. Well, maybe not screaming. Laughing hysterically, actually.

This was the sentence that did it, the sentence I will never forget:

Angel: "Buffy, you know I'm gay."

What the?

You could have knocked me over with an Orb of Thesula. People wrote this? People read this? How could they read this and not laugh? Because it was funny. Angel isn't gay! Xander isn't gay!

As you can see, I had a major suspension of disbelief problem. I couldn't picture characters that were straight in canon being anything but in fan fic. It made me snicker.

And the first time I read an NC-17 fic? Holy Christ. I hit that back button on my browser so damn fast. Sex in fanfic just plain creeped me out. I felt like I was spying on my friends while they were having sex. It was just weird.

And now, all these years later, I laugh at my little na�ve past-self. I didn't read slash? I didn't read adult fic? Ha! <--That's me, laughing at myself. Right there.

Because when it comes to the stuff I read now, I pay very little heed to that kind of thing.

Logan and Jean? Fine.

Logan and Rogue? Fine.

Logan and Storm? Well, okay.

Logan and Movieverse Storm? Eh. Alright. I suppose.

Logan taking it up the ass from Gambit? Sure, why not?

Or from Scott? Yeah, might as well.

Logan and Jean and Gambit at the same time? Hell, why stop now?

Jean and Scott? Gambit and Scott? Scott and Scott? Fifty clones of every male character in the X-universe all at the same time? Yeah, bring it on. Whatever.

Logan seduces Jubilee? Eesh. Well, I'm not really...okay, fine. Fine!

Or Kitty? I suppose I'll give it a shot.

Jublilee and Kitty together? Christ, how do you people think up this stuff? Lemme see, maybe I'll read it later.

Logan gets busy with Sabretooth? Oh geez...no. No way. Wait, I'll just take a peek.

Logan ties Sabretooth up and spanks him with a tennis racket? Pfffft. *yawn* Is that the most original thing you could come up with? I guess since I'm not doing anything else right now�

Logan gets married? Ack! Um, I don't think so. Or maybe I can skim that part.

Logan is a daddy? Oh boy. Hmmm. I guess if I like other stuff by this writer, I might read this. How old is the kid? Is there just one? Does Logan cry? Because if Logan cries I am not going to read it, I swear. Okay, maybe just the first few pages. But when the kid shows up, I'm outta here.

See? I don't care!

Just like everyone else, I have characters I'm not that fond of, situations I'm not that crazy about, but you throw Logan in there, and I'm reading. It's a freakin' sickness, I tell ya.

Luckily for me, I'm really good at Blocking Stuff Out. I read, I pick out the things I like, I move on. It makes reading fan fic a pretty enjoyable experience for me. A lot of stuff that might otherwise bother me goes in one, um, eye and out the other. Afterwards, I remember lots of things about it that I liked, and almost nothing that I didn't. Cool, huh?

When I go back through my emails with Alb, we've got dozens of exchanges like this fictionalized one here:

Me: "Hey, did you finish reading that story I sent you with the 45 page description of Logan's naked chest?"
Alb: "Ugh. No. I got to the part where he ate the little baby kittens, and I had to stop."
Me: *baffled* "He ate kittens? When did he eat kittens? I don't remember that happening in that story."
Alb: "Well, it did."
Me: "Oh. Sorry."

As you can imagine, I�m not the person you want fic recs from. *snerk*

So that's me. Logan. All Logan, all the time. Straight Logan, Gay Logan, Feral Logan, Pirate Logan, Threesome Logan. Sometimes, even Married Logan and Daddy Logan.

I'm easy, and I don't care.

"Eating kittens is just wrong! And no one should do it! Ever!" --The Tick

Devil Doll
This is a long quote but I added it because this is excacly how I feel about fanfiction. Also Devil Doll is my new hero and if she was a man I would carry her children...ok maybe not, but I think she's really great and everyone should visit her site.

As I said, 90 is the magic percentage, and I've crunched the numbers. Made my list and checked it twice. I'm gonna go ahead and give you guys a head start, so you can start working on your fic ASAP.

So listen up, Harry Potter fandom: I want more stories about Wolverine. Hogwarts could use a self-defense class, so it shouldn't be that hard to work him in somewhere.

Boy band slash: same deal. Wolverine, and maybe some Gambit. Throw some Cyclops in there, while you're at it. Make that shit readable to me.

Jossverse: I'm sure you can figure it out. And everyone knows that Angel + Wolverine = one hunky set of bookends.

I figure I'll start with those three fandoms, and then when I get 'em writing what I want to read, I'll expand my empire. Star Wars will definitely be included in Phase Three, as will Farscape.

I can't wait to see what happens when Logan gets hold of Aeryn. *g*
Devil Doll

"Grant Morrison seems just as big an a-hole as Millar in his sheer contempt for beloved minor characters and a continuity which made this franchise perhaps the most difficult to even UNDERSTAND towards the end of the 1990s. Yes, yes, yes, it's all very clever for the hipper-than-thou Morrison to think he can just start injecting new ideas into a beloved and tired old formula, but the consequences are catastrophic. I believe he has written this book for close to eighteen months now and not once, in all this time, has Magneto returned for a battle with Marvel's merry mutants nor have we met a relative from an alternate reality."

"Has anyone else noticed how his X-Men all TALK the same when, as we know, foreigners always pepper their language with phrases like MEIN GOTT and HEIN?"

To read the whole thing Go here: The Colum by Mark Millar.

�Are you eating the last brownie!?!� I snapped, already envisioning ripping it from his selfish fingers and then bitchslapping him across the living room.

�No,� he answered. �There�s one more.�

I shook my head, trying to quell the murderous thoughts from my brain. In the midst of my irrationality, I sometimes have a moment of clarity where even I am amazed at how psycho I sound sometimes.

But then I went into the kitchen and saw the brownie pan.

You see, my initial calculations were accurate. There HAD been only one brownie left. Esteban cleverly cut that brownie in half, knowing that he would be crucified if he ate the remaining luscious truffle-like Ghirradelli brownie.

"You bastard! You ate the last brownie!"

"I did not! I did not! I left you one!"

"You left me one HALF!"

"Yes, but it was the bigger half because I knew you'd go ballistic. Besides, in case you hadn't noticed, you ate most of that pan of brownies."

�Yeah, well, in case you hadn�t noticed, I made all of that fucking pan of brownies!"

Thankfully for all concerned, I had begun to eat my brownie niblet and the luscious curative chocolate molecules were absorbing directly into my core of insanity, thus lulling me into temporary satisfaction. I doubt that you gain any weight from food that is eaten for medicinal purposes
Weetabix

The Bathroom.

We spend an eighth of our lives in the bathroom. And while I totally just made up that figure, there are a few easy things you can do to make those 500,000 hours a bit more pleasant and fulfilling.

Toilet paper. Putting new rolls of toilet paper onto the holder is so predictable. Show a little creativity. Try putting it on the floor instead. Or on the toilet lid. Or in the bathtub! Or run out of it and put a roll of paper towels in the bathroom instead. Talk about creative!

Reading material can be a good way to show visitors that you care about maximizing their entertainment dollar while at your place. A sampling from my reading selection right now: The Onion's Our Dumb Century, 3 issues of The New Yorker that I will probably never read (shows class - trust me), and a book of Irish fairy tales (don't ask).

As with any room of the house, lighting is very important. I recommend the following: string red chili-pepper lights around the room. Fiesta time! A hanging lamp where the bulb is constantly loose and you have to adjust it each time your flick the switch is an economical and comically frustrating touch. Candles, for those leisurely baths, are a treat. Make sure they drip all over the floor for that special vertical Feng Shui integration. Lastly, constantly forget to close the blinds so Creepy Sweeping Smoker-Man can look directly in at your showering guests. Because otherwise it would be so gloomy.

The Kitchen.

The kitchen is a place where you can have a lot of decorating fun and really show what it means to be you.

The walls. Someone gives you a dart board. What's the best place for it? The kitchen wall! Provides hours of fun during that boring time when your food is in the microwave. You miss? No problem. Wall around dart board is now attractively dappled with dart holes. That wall is also a great place for old play posters, photographs, particularly cute and/or fun postcards. Hey, someone sends you an African Tribal mask? Fuck it, why not!

The fridge. There are really two areas of the fridge to consider. Both are as important as the other; the inside and the outside. Inside. Is there really anything worse than a cluttered fridge? With some flair and a whole lot of dining out, you can achieve the same minimalist look in your fridge that is sooooooo popular with such hipsters as ballerinas, young Hollywood actresses, and supermodels. Anything more than beer, pasta sauce, vodka, apples, soy sauce, bread, and peanut butter is pure overkill and is to be avoided at all costs. (Note: this same decorating concept works great in your kitchen cabinets.)

For the outside of the fridge, colored letter magnets ALMOST spelling out dirty words except for the fact that there were so few in the first place and most of them are under the fridge anyway, works very well (eg: fuok, shil, coqksuvler). The following also works well: magnets from the local pizza joints, noir book-jacket postcards, photos of your friends' dogs since you don't have one, and a post-it with the alternate-side parking regulations that you've managed never to memorize in over 3 years ("Monday, park on THIS side. Tuesday, park on THAT side.")

Recycling. I drink a lot. Whether it's water, diet coke, beer, wine, or juice. And all these items come in bottles. Now the unpracticed, unthoughtful homemaker would put his bottles out in the recycling bin on his front porch. But you see, what makes me better than you is the fact that I'm at war with the Homeless Mexican Bottle-Man. HMB-M likes to come to my porch and throw bottles into his cart and crush cans at 6AM. So to foil HMB-M, I refuse to put them out until I absolutely have to. Following my advice, you can therefore decorate any surface in the kitchen with empty bottles. The stove, sure. The fridge, why not? Inside the freezer, go nuts!

Misc. All that empty floor space in the kitchen is really just an eyesore. Try dumping vaguely kitchen-related presents between your sink and the refrigerator. That box of ceramic mugs your mom had specially made for you, for example. If you're really clever, you'll keep them sitting in the box for one whole year, and then experience Christmas all over again! Plus, to bend down and open the box is a lot of work. Hey, you're a busy guy! You don't got no time to be opening boxes. And this tip, I just discovered the other day but it's starting to really grow on me. When making dinner, spill half the dry spaghetti onto the floor. Pick up the pasta and put it into an empty box you've been meaning to throw out anyway. Let sit for a week. Enjoy the festive sounds the broken pasta makes every time you enter the room and run into the box with your shin.

Dining Room.

Your designing success in the dining room really hinges on one thing, your telling yourself the truth. Answer this one important question:

Are you really going to ever eat at the table, or are you going to eat in front of the TV every night? Seriously. Dude. Seriously...

Good. Now that you've given up that pipe-dream, the dining room table is like a blank canvas! Here are a few of the things you can decorate that silly dining room table with:

Newspapers you will NEVER EVER read.

Stereo speakers.

Incense. Since you're no longer smoking, constant incense burning creates that husky smoky air you so need to survive. As a design element, this is especially effective if you let the ashes just build up into a Super Fun Ash-Pile.

CD's. Records. Tapes. Videotapes. Books you're meaning to read any day now... and voila! Instant culture! I like to buy books I'll neverinamillionyearsreadandiknowit, like biographies of Bulgarian poets and non-fiction accounts of our crumbling school system, and place them conspicuously on the table. For the extra bit of verity, throw bookmarks in them - near the end! Instant Oprah!

Mail. Here's the clue with mail - don't open it. Throw it on your dining room table and leave it. It's much more Feng Shui without the messy rippage. Doesn't spoil the lines of the room.

Your home is a reflection of you. Even in these busy times, with a little creativity, and a very little amount of elbow grease, you too can turn your abode into a scarily accurate reflection of your inner psyche.

Good luck.

Go here to read the whole thing.

"Anakin's step-dad is injured, and tells the long, involved story of his wife's capture by Tusken Raiders a month earlier. He apologetically says that he'd still be out there looking, but after he lost his leg he had to stop riding for a bit, at least until it healed. Anakin is doing his full out Psychotic Glare (tm) at him, so I guess he felt guilty about not continuing to search after LOSING HIS LEG. He tells Anakin that the Tusken Raiders are appallingly cruel and there's no way Shmi is still alive. Anakin sulks at him dramatically, tells Padme she's staying with these people, grabs a flying motorcycle and heads off to find his mother."

Apparently the rest of them just weren't looking hard enough, because he locates her, right down to the tent in the encampment, in no time whatsoever. We see little Tusken Raider children playing around the camp. Inside the tent, Shmi's got a semi-crucifixion thing happening, and this should have been the scene that really made you feel for Anakin. I was ready to cry with him as his mother died. It was the funniest scene of the movie. She died there in his arms... but she died in so overdramatized a fashion that J. started shrieking with laughter beside me, which set off half the theatre laughing. I can't describe the death scene any further. It has to be witnessed to be believed. Once she's dead, Anakin loses his fragile hold on sanity, and kills everybody there. By the look on his face, I wouldn't be surprised if he even killed the dogs.

He returns his mother's body to the farm, where everyone tries to stay out of his way because he's clearly unhinged and blames them for her death. Padme, however, just has to push him. He admits to genocide, a raving, violent hatred of his Master, Obi-Wan, and his plan to become the most powerful Jedi ever. Padme, evidently okay with all this, hugs him sympathetically. "

"Duku, subscribing to the Villainly belief that you should never just shoot your prisoners, but kill them in a dramatic and convoluted fashion with lots of witnesses, has them tied to posts, along with Obi-Wan, in the middle of a stadium. Russel Crowe comes out and... sorry, wrong movie. "

"At the end of the movie, Anakin and Amidala secretly get married, because evidently she likes Genocidal Psychopaths whom she babysat as children. "

From Teagues review of Episode II

If they're buried in midget caskets, are there six pall bearers or only four? I would think with six pallbearers, the guys would be tripping all over themselves. Better make it four, right?

Four would still be cutting it close. I would think the guys in front would have scraped up heels from the guys pulling up the rear.

Technically, they could probably just use two pallbearers. The guy couldn�t have weighed more than 40 lbs tops.

For that matter, they could probably just sling him over the biggest guy�s shoulder who could then toss him in the grave like a 40 lb. Sack of potatoes.

Wait a second.

Hang on�someone�s at the door.

Ah. It�s Satan. He�s ready for me.

Gotta go.

Uncle Bob