Used To Care

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This is not just my opinion: This is the opinion of literally thousands of Nobel-Prize-winning scientists whose names are available upon request.

I had to ride around with my boss in the car yesterday. It wasn't so bad ... he's a real nice guy, but awfully quiet.

So spending eight hours with a really quiet guy in the car was a bit unnerving.

He told me that I was "really outgoing".

I guess that means "Cut the nervous chit-chat, Monkey Boy".
Uncle Bob

Okay, one more picture of Leta Frog and then I�ll stop banging your ovaries with the cute hammer:
Dooce

So-called experts say that it requires an IQ over 180 to even begin to properly comprehend fourth dimensional physics. Clearly this number is exaggerated since whoever wrote Timecop was no genius, and Jean Claude Van Damme was traveling through time like crazy in that movie.
Seanbaby

It sucks to be away from the privacy of your own home and to suddenly realize that you've got a massive user error happening where your panties are concerned.
Sundry

(I can even tune her out when her voice is raised. It's a gift ... I know.)
Uncle Bob

Q: If Jesus were around today, what would he do?
A: Probably beat the hell out of you.
http://lickmyjesus.com/

Esteban sent me to Tarzhay for a mop bucket while he swept and did dusty stuff. This was dangerous territory, given that it was Tarzhay and it had been a sort of unfulfilling weekend and I usually comfort myself by shopping for frivolous things (cute Mizrahi sunglasses? For $15? Insert salivation here.) but I managed to get out the door without delay and with bucket in hand. Ok, I did splurge and buy the $4.99 bucket rather than the $2 or 99 cent buckets but what is life if you can�t treat yourself like a princess? Weetabix

I have been very careful when it comes to handing out the location of our house, outside of which people could park their cars and look in with binoculars, or say, run up naked and smear their hairy chest on our windows.
Dooce

My wife did not understand why I needed this phone. Yet every guy I show it to immediately agrees that it is a vital necessity
Dave Barry's colum

As for the convention itself, it's lumbering right along. The star speaker Wednesday night was vice-presidential nominee John Edwards, who told the inspirational story of how he was born in a small South Carolina town (actual name: ''A Small Town, S.C.'') where his father was a millworker who went to the mill every day and, I don't know, milled things.

In this humble environment Edwards learned his core values, the main one being that it is WAY better to be rich, so he went on to become a wealthy trial lawyer, then a member of the U.S. Senate, where he served for nearly eight uninterrupted weeks before deciding to run for president.
Dave Barry's colum

I doubt she�ll take kindly to any clear liquid because she�s been fed nothing but non-clear liquid every single day of her life. I anticipate that when I give her a bottle of clear Pedialyte in the morning that she will gag, shove the bottle in an arc toward the wall, and look at me like, �You have tried to trick me and now I must scream.�
Dooce

Eddie Alden. Rreow.

I really have nothing worthwhile to contribute to this conversation...I just felt like saying rreow. Fal

There's the bikini with boyshort bottoms, which would be great if I had a whole lot less bottom to hide. And there's the snakeskin print suit that I bought after blindfolding myself and taking a long, deep hit from a crack pipe, or at least that's the only explanation I can come up with now.
Sundry

"The mouse button works best if you click it about a quarter inch from the right. That I have to know that is very, very annoying."
A guy holding a laptop at Nomad Cafe
In Passing

Rose is young, only a few years older than me, which felt awkward at first. I was thinking the ideal person for these ongoing discussions would be a grizzled old timer with lines of hard living etched into their face, like Clint Eastwood, or, I don't know, that Ripley's Believe it or Not guy. "Used to have me a problem of mah own with the juice," they'd drawl, handing me a plug of chewing tobacco. "Know just what yer talkin about." Then we'd lean back in our rocking chairs and spit on the floor.
Sundry

To structure this piece, I was going to analyze human desires using Maslow's famous Hierarchy of Needs. However, as my DSL connection was down, I was unable to look up what they are. Therefore, I needed to guess.

As I see it, Maslow thought that the basic human needs, in ascending order of complexity, are

i. Immediate personal safety.
ii. Food.
iii. Emotional Intimacy.
iv. Not Getting Anthrax.
v. The Ability To Make Yourself Feel Better By Making Others Feel Worse.
vi. Porn.
Ironycentral

Finally, I decided that I�d just deal if she wasn�t there, as I am a 33-year-old woman and believe it or not, people have traveled successfully without cellular phones. This made sense in my brain, except that my brain was being distracted by pretty colors and Lucky magazine and had handed over the keys of my psyche to a screeching howler monkey that was throwing feces at people.
Weetabix

At one point the dad starts crooning about holding hands to footage of him and the kid rubbing cookie batter on each other... right now there are ponies prancing in butterscotch meadows that would call that sissy. I don�t know exactly what this video is going for, but my parents have been divorced for about 21 years now, and this song made me want to kill myself
Video Review: When Mom & Dad Break Up

Caption beneath picture of a group of mimes: I thought we all agreed that mimes sucked? Didn't everyone on planet earth come to that conclusion 20 years ago? Have the rules changed? Does MTV promote this? Is that what's going on here? Is the youth going to make the same mistakes history has already clearly taught us not to make?
Normalbobsmith

Wait a minute, I have something in my eye...Oh, it's a flake of NO WAY!
josh

Amount Of Time Elapsed Before I First Poked a Sleeping Baby to Make Sure She Was Still Alive

About six hours.

Oh, and One Other Thing

Our daughter(Cordelia) is named after King Lear�s nice daughter.

She is NOT named after the character on Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The story about the baby

Today, at the doctor�s office, to everyone�s amazement, she rolled over on her own. Many babies can�t do that until they�re two months old. And, every night, she can stay awake from midnight until 8 AM. I couldn�t do that until college.
The story about the baby

To clarify the point. When the baby was crying on its first night, the nurse and I placed it on the changing table to check if the diaper was dirty. Not wanting to deal with the bother of rediapering if I removed the diaper and it was clean, I jammed my finger inside it without hesitation, not being sure what I would find.

It felt dry. Just to make sure, I ran my finger around inside for a little bit. Oddly, something stuck to my finger. Something gooey. I pulled my finger out. Attached to the tip was a round, translucent, pearly white wad of goo, about the size of a pea. I showed it to Mariann. She didn�t know what it was. I showed it to the nurse, who immediately said �Oh, that�s just a wad of mucus. It came out of the vagina.�

The wad of goo hung from my fingertip, stickily.

It was at this precise moment that my soul left my body.
The story about the baby

JACKSONVILLE, FL�The unrequited nature of area nerd June Manzo's crush on actor Peter Tuddenham, who provides the voice of piloting computer Slave on Blake's 7, is only slightly more agonizing than the process of explanation she must put herself through every time her media obsession is discussed. "He has this slightly sinister but dynamic way of speaking on the show, particularly in the 'Headhunter' episode," Manzo said, painstakingly describing Tuddenham to fellow science-fiction fan Bradley Preakniss. "When I hear his voice congratulating Avon on his 'consummate skill,' I just get shivers... Doesn't that ring a bell? No? Not at all?" Manzo's crush is surpassed in geekiness and obscurity only by that of Denver's Demitri Ostrow, who has a long-harbored passion for author Neil Gaiman's "fabulous" assistant Lorraine.
The Onion

And, I am ashamed to say, watched Velvet Goldmine just to see Ewan McGregor�s penis as it danced across the stage.

Bless me father, for I have sinned. And paused, reversed, and then sinned again.
Weetabix

That�s when I noticed it.

I had purchased pad specifically meant for plus sized women.

Apparently, if you were size 14 or greater, you were to be using special pads. Fat girl pads. I had no idea such a thing even existed. Fat girl pads. Special pads for fat girls.

The fuck?

Ok, like we don�t have to go through life feeling already like second class citizens, not able to shop at the Gap without sending the little Gapbots into a flurry of confusion, worrying that one will recognize one�s own disembodied midsection on a local news special entitled �Life in the Fat Lane,� and feel like Godzirra whenever we stand next to size 2�s and size 0�s. Now even our periods are separated into �normal people� sized and the more pc term for �behemoth.�

I don�t know what this means exactly. I�m totally flummoxed. Are they saying that we need bigger pads to quell the veritable gushing of menstruation from our princesses? Is it because our panties have more, I don�t know, square acreage? Or is it our anatomy itself? We need special riggings for our cavernous vaginas? Should there be small craft advisories? Should we be installing orange flags on our vulvas and perhaps one of those beeping mechanisms to warn when backing up?

The damn Drag Queens have no idea, man. Yeah, fine, you can walk in high heels with a penis taped into your ass crack, but I�m carting a plus size period, with a side of abdominal cramping and PMS. Beat that shit, bitch.

I need a fucking Oreo. Stat
Weetabix

Jon and I are totally neurotic first-time parents, and we�re learning how to do this whole thing day by day. I will admit that he is a little less neurotic than I am, and he doesn�t throw things or growl or serve as a host body for Satanic demons
Dooce

Number of times in the last four days I used the excuse If there ever was a day when I should be able to eat french fries and not feel guilty, today is that day: Once

Number of days in the last 34 weeks I have used that excuse: Over 200
Dooce

(this is where I will insert the picture of Cap�n Jack sweeping me into his arms and leering purposefully at the hint of my cleavage, his rakish hat perched upon my crooked pigtails as I wink into the camera)

(or, you know, I would if such a picture existed)
Weetabix

Since my 10 year high school reunion is in less than two months I�ve been receiving weekly email reminders from Classmates.com concerning registration fees and schedules and screaming, all-caps warnings to be careful not to MISS OUT ON ALL THE FUN! The president of my graduating class, who was president all four years of high school, types everything in all caps and uses a healthy amount of exclamation points, which isn�t necessarily a bad thing if you�re the type of person who, without the aid of capital letters and exclamation points, would think that the only fun to be had would be lower-case fun followed by a period, and what kind of fucking fun is that?
Dooce

8pm when that guy showed up. I've seen him before... He was in the gigantic PHANTOM MENACE line years ago. I took this picture of him with my cool 007 Lighter Digital Camera... He thought that was cool, then to render my tech advantage utterly null and void he whips out his cellphone and shows me widescreen MATRIX playing on it and tells me... he has MATRIX, TERMINATOR 2 and PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN all on his Cel phone. I stare at him like he's a god. My mind boggles at his technical superiority. My lighter digital camera is like a broken reed before his geek wind.
Aintitcool.com

DRUNK GUY: "I'm not an alcoholic ... I'm a social drinker. And right now, I'm social as FUCK!!"
Uncle Bob

I decided, based on my constant katchoo-ing, to stay home from work today. I figured I'd loll about, wallow in my own crapulence, toot on the old nose-horn a while and maybe watch Pirates of the Caribbean.

Yes, AGAIN. What? If you're going to feel like shit, you may as well fantasize about shagging a gay pirate while you're at it.
Sundry

Esteban : How�s your tummy feeling, baby?
Weetabix : My tummy is fine, except that now I�ve got cramps. Cramps upon cramps, which you�d think would cancel each other out, but they don�t. So you want to know why they don�t draft women to go to war? Because each and every month, their bodies get bisected by twisted wires and broken glass and they bleed purple heartless blood at an alarming rate and they get sore boobs and also get to have guys yell at them �hey baby� and every form of media tell them that they are worthless unless they look like the eight perfect women of the moment. Every month, women go to goddamned war, Esteban. Every. Month. And war is hell, baby. War is fucking hell.
Esteban : Um� right. Yes. Exactly.
Pity him. Pity poor Esteban for having to live with a part-time sociopath.
Weetabix

I know it is just a toe, but it is an important toe. And I understand this, I really do, because my vagina was just a vagina, but it was an important vagina. But he says that the comparison must stop there because my vagina was designed to stretch and tear like that, but that his toe wasn�t designed to have the nail part jut into the skin part and it HURTS SO BAD. Perhaps if there were stages of pain it would be more manageable, he says, like how the cervix slowly dilates. At least I had dilation. The toe doesn�t dilate, so the pain in his toe is painful all at once, and this pain must be talked about, at length, very loudly, with lots of moaning and gnashing of the teeth.
Dooce

Hatemail to Normal Bob in big bold letters: THAT'S BAD!
Bob's reply: Like Micheal Jackson "bad" or... um, Micheal Jackson "bad"?
Normal Bob Smith

A friend of mine actually paid $500 to buy MS Office for Mac. I downloaded the full thing in about 6 minutes for nothing. I wish I had a tape recorder to capture her response. It was a magic moment.
Genghis Jon

Interestingly enough, the kitty nipple-bell wearer leaned over and said �You know, after hearing (read: eavesdropping) you talking about Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, I watch it now and have to admit, it�s pretty funny.�

Lady, I hope for our sake that you never actually meet the Queer Eye boys. I fear for Carson�s fragile little heart. Also, I suspect the shrieks would shatter glass for miles around.
Weetabix

Watching this video, I couldn't help but blurting out "What THE FUCK are you doing?" over and over again.
Genghis Jon

...my laundry has still not magically taken itself through the washing machine.
Belle de jour

Next time you're in Wendy's and you think one of the employees doesn't take your cheeseburger seriously enough, cut them some slack. They've seen the gates of hell
Seanbaby

Dear Self:
You are not allowed to kill people just because they are dumb and annoying.
No, really. You aren't.
Yes, I know you *should* be allowed to, but that's not the way things work
DD

I'm not re-writing it either, since that would take effort.

I'm really a very sensitive man, non-judgemental about all expressions of human creativity. So fuck you.
Dangerspouse

My mom's like the Terminator--she doesn't give up until everyone's dead. Or wishing they were.
DD

It would be great if we had the time, energy and presence of mind to notice all the good stuff in the world around us, but that would significantly reduce the time we have for the more important things in life -- like watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."
Jessica Cole-Hodgkinson

You know what one of the worst things is about missing a couple of days on-line? (Aside from suffering real experiences, that is). It's missing important social obligations like weetabix's Esteban's birthday. Shoot, it would have meant so much to him had I gotten a card out on time. Poor bugger probably thinks I'm too haughty to send a greeting...or he would if he knew I was alive. Sorry Weetabix's Esteban!
Dangerspouse

You know how sometimes you have one of those days where all you want to do is slap everyone you see except for the reeeeally good looking people and you just wanna have sex with them and THEN slap 'em around?

I call that "yesterday".
Uncle bob

I had a dream last night that I was trapped in my grandparents' house, being chased by zombies and ghosts, and Wolverine showed up to save me.

Also in the house and being chased by ghosts and zombies? Bobby Drake, Spike, Iron Man, and Dr. Troy from Nip/Tuck.

I suspect this indicates that my brain has reached some sort of fannish saturation point.
DD

Also, I think we witnessed a living breathing Gap ad changing into a Bacardi t-shirt. In fact, watching this man with his washboard abs and v-shaped shoulders... well, I think it made me a little pregnant.
Weetabix

In other family news, my mother has decided to quit her restaurant job at the Italian place (which involved a twenty minute discourse on how unfair it was that she has given her last five years to the owner and slaved countless hours and then there was some babbling about salad and throwing away salad and I really couldn�t hear her as I was listening to the minutes of my life ebb away)
Weetabix

Soon, the path turned into what was obviously an old stream bed, lined with rocks designed to make me lose my balance. It also went from fairly flat to a pretty seriously downhill path. As we walked, Fred and the spud leaping nimbly from rock to rock, doing pirouettes in the air as they leapt, I tripped along, silently shooting Looks O' Hatred at his back and wondering if we'd ever get there. He would turn and say "We're almost there, I can feel it!" with a big grin on his face, and I would wonder how hard I'd have a throw a hickory nut at his back for it to cause pain.
Bitchypoo

Soooo...chances are very good that unless I wake up at 2 a.m. tomorrow, there won't be an update here on Friday.

"Why?" you ask.

"Why, Uncle Bob, why?" you ask again, tears welling in your eyes. "How can you just leave me hanging on a Friday morning without an Uncle Bob fix??"

At which point, I cyber-slap you and tell you to get over it, you whiny sack of shit.
Uncle bob

And we have ice cream in the house. Ice cream! Fat and sugar and coldness all in one convenient Mouth-To-Ass container.
Weetabix

And while we're on the subject of things that are Totally Not Fair, who the hell went and made avocados fattening? It's a FRUIT, for god's sake.
Sundry

On Monday, I considered going for a massage because work continues to reach into my ribcage and steal my soul.
Weetabix

Weetabix's famous Uterus talk.

Sunny says, "I am third youngest of four children, but I get less mother's love, because to Koreans, son is what is important. My younger brother, my older brother. They get most love."

I never know what to say in the face of a culture that genuinely, openly values women so little. Which means that I get uncomfortable and run the subject sideways. Straight into an old friend of my mom's, who fell in love with my favourite history prof. They settled into a happy seperatist lesbian existence with two female cats, a female dog, and goldfish that I'm pretty sure they had sexed to make sure they were all female. Eventually they decide for a baby, who comes along. A boy.

P--, "What will we do with a boy?"

V--, "..."

P--, "..."

V--, "... we'll buy him the best hockey equipment money can buy."

Jane St.Clair

Some days I really love my life, but then my brain pulls the rug from my feet and says �Let�s see what�s behind Door Number Two, shall we?�
Weetabix

The first time we went, we were huffing through an especially steep part of the trail - and some asshole jogged past us! Jogged! Listen, if you're in such spectacular shape you can JOG up a fucking mountain, then go use your powers to fight crime or something, and don't make us mere mortals feel like puny weaklings, goddammit.
Sundry

I just about got down on my knees and sobbed in front of my cable modem when I got home, and I was tempted to build a shrine to my remote control. Not only do my friends not have a nice fancypants internet connection, they only have one TV in their house! Horrible, I know. These people live like animals!
Devil Doll

While this dream was notable in the sense that I remembered it clearly even after I had been awake for a while, it definitely seems like I could be stepping it up a notch in that department. Why waste time at night running my brain over the same grooves it's dug during the day when an Abyss-era Ed Harris could be pressing me against a fucking wall somewhere? You know?
Sundry

At some point in everyone's life, they have to make a decision.

That decision being ... are they going to take the time to learn how to do the simple things in life or are they going to rely on others to do it for them?

I choose to let others do it for me. Mainly because I hate doing anything I don't have to do.
Uncle bob

You know, sometimes I�m all tough and hard-core and have the wacky weird �One step and I�ll cutchew man, I�ll cutchew!� hair and way too much lip gloss, and then in the next moment, one little sentence on Jake�s diary can just absolutely leave me all verklempt and �awww�. I would make a really horrible evil genius.

Evilbix: So� Mister Bond, we meet again but this time shall be the last� oh yes. Yes it shall. You know, I was intrigued by your speech to the world�s leaders in which you said I must have made a deal with the devil because my plans were always wickedly clever� well� did you mean that? Because (eyes fluttering as tears well up)� um� that was like the best thing anyone has eversaidtomeeeeeeee!!! (voice climbs several octaves into dolphin range) Um� ahem� look at my bruise!
Weetabix

I've been working out. And when I say "working out" I really mean "limiting my Ben & Jerry's intake to four times a week."
Khaki

At this point, you're beyond flirting with danger...you're about to start giving danger a blowjob."
Mortal Fear by Karne-Age

Oh, I realize this is a diary trend for me. Because I can't seem to stick with a regular exercise program, I'm constantly out of shape when I take these horrible classes and then I whine to you about how it hurts, you guys, really. But today was above and beyond what any human can stand. Well, except for the 30 other people in the class who seemed to do just fine. Fuckers.
Sundry

The hits at the other site stayed at 20 a day. And truth be told...about 15 of those were from me, constantly checking my guest book to see if ANYONE had signed it.
Uncle Bob

These days I'm clueless to most of the interesting things unfolding on the web. (I only stumbled onto online diaries a year ago.) So...have you heard of this thing called fanfic? Oh, you have? It's been out there for a long time? Yeah? Well. Sorry for not being COOLER, and all.

Anyway. Yeah, so there's all this Aragorn/Legolas PORN out there. Not that I spent my personal time surfing that kind of thing, oh no. *cough* It's been purely for research purposes. For my book. About...uh....porn. Or something.
Sundry *

He showed up at my door out of nowhere.

With a cherry Slurpee.

And said, �I love you.�

I couldn�t let go. We stood on my doorstep, me squeezing him so tightly he said he couldn�t breathe. But even then I only loosened, not let go. He kept asking me what was wrong, as I pressed my face and body against him. Nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing.

And we lay in my bed and he held me.

And right then, everything was all better.

And right now I feel like crying again.

Because with a plastic cup of flavored ice and the words, �I have faith in you� whispered in a dark room, my soul remembered what safety feels like.

And I know it�ll all be okay.

http://heidiann.diaryland

Damn you, Alan Rickman.
Your sexy bitchitude has doomed us all
TE

I run up against numerous issues I didn't even realize I had.
Firstly - Elves having sex.
In canon, they don't, much. I mean, obviously they procreate, but they live a really, really long time, as in forever, so they can't procreate a lot because... well, they'd overrun the place, right?
And they have higher things on their minds, like hair care and singing.
http://musesfool.diaryland.com/index.html

"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music."
Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc., 1989

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