Mary's Office Humour pages

Newspaper Headlines

WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership.
He received a $26 million severance package.
(Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.)

WHAT WAS PLAN B?

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines.

The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.

THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer.

Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police
showed up and grabbed him.

DID I SAY THAT?

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up.

When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted,

"That's not what I said!"

ARE WE COMMUNICATING?

A man was recorded calling emergency services:

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the operator asked.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "this is her husband!"

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten teargas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.

SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY!

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last
year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

DO-IT-YOURSELF
BRAIN SURGERY?

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked
officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen.

Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

OUCH, THAT SMARTS!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door.

"He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!

In Modesto, CA, a man was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. The man used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

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This page was last updated on 26 June, 2001