Okay, before you kill me, hear me out!
Yes, this is a two-part discussion between Harry and Remus…BUT it won't take place back to back. Harry will leave at the end of this part (you'll see why) and in the next of the series, he'll end up at Sirius' house (you'll get the idea when you read this part). That one will end with Harry leaving Siri's house. The next in the series will be in Sirius' POV, backtracking a few hours to just after Harry leaves for the staff meeting. The next part will be Harry going down to see Severus (you'll figure out why in this part as well and no, it's not for nookie, get your minds out of the gutter please! ;). THEN will come The Discussion, Part II.
So, you can pull out the shotgun and kill me now, but then you'll never know what happens!
I stand before the door of our old rooms, trying to remember how to breathe. Albus' words keep doing a little Irish jig across my brain. I know he's right: either I forgive and do so willingly and completely, or I break off our marriage completely, no turning back.
I know I have to decide this today. I cannot prolong his torment or mine. It would be cruel, to both of us. It would be so easy for me to extract revenge by letting him fester and stew over this…will I leave, or will I not, but I can't do this to him. It would be cruel, no matter how much his lies hurt me.
I brace myself and press my hand to the lock. It opens and I hesitate only slightly before I walk through the door and join my awaiting husband.
He's sitting on the bed, staring at me. He's afraid of what I might say, or perhaps of what I might not say. He's been crying, I can see that. He can't hide it from me. I know him too well.
"Hello, Harry," he whispers, as if the sound of his voice might make me run for the nearest window and throw myself from it.
"Hello, Remus." I take a moment to look around the room, and look at all of our things. "You didn't take much with you, did you?" I ask curiously, without malice. I know the answer that is forthcoming. It's the same reason I left it behind.
"I know. I couldn't bear to remove them, to have them, reminding me of what I've lost."
I look over to see a tear slide down his cheek. He wipes it away quickly and I pretend not to notice. He doesn't see me watching him because he's looking at the floor, unable to look at me.
"I understand," I tell him. I pull one of the chairs by the fireplace closer to the bed and sit down, facing my husband. We sit there for a few moments, not knowing what to say. I decide it's time to break the silence.
"Why?" I whisper. It doesn't have to be much louder. During the lunar cycle, he has sensitive hearing and I know he hears me.
He looks up at me, into my eyes. I ask again, "Why?"
"Why what? I don't know which 'why?' you're asking me." Remus looks at me imploringly, wanting to know so he can try to explain.
I answer, "Why did you lie to me? Why didn't you tell me you wanted to be with Severus? Why couldn't you just tell me the truth?" I know I should probably be screaming, but I can't make myself do it. I am beyond screaming. I spent the last few days ranting and raving at my godfather's house, to the point of having to use a potion to restore my voice. Screaming until your voice is gone is not something I recommend, and I don't want a repeat performance.
"I thought if I told you, you would leave me. I just…I didn't know how to tell you. I love you so much, and I knew if you knew you wouldn't want to be with me anymore. I don't know why I want Severus. I don't understand. I don't understand why Severus has this hold over me. I know you're my mate, but I can't figure this out. I love you and I love him."
"So, instead of telling me this, you lie to me, go behind my back and I find out by walking in on the two of you. Do you think that was better than telling me the truth?"
"No, I don't. I'm so sorry, Harry. I never meant for you to find out that way. I never meant to hurt you. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me. I know werewolves mate for life, and I just don't understand. I know you're my mate, but when I'm near him, I feel like he's my mate as well. I just wish I knew why."
I watch Remus bury his face in his hands, his shoulders wracking with sobs. The guilt I felt at the staff meeting rears its ugly head once again.
As I watch my husband cry, it occurs to me once again that I hold a large part of the blame in this as well. I know I'm not completely innocent in all of this. I lied to him as well, many times. A lie by omission is still just that: a lie. How many times did I brush off his questions about my whereabouts, about my weekend excursions, about the things I was working on when he would come into a room?
And I never told him any of the things I learned during the years I was conducting research. He'd asked several times what I was working on, but I'd only tell him that it was a surprise. If we'd both been honest, we most likely would not be in this situation we're in now.
I know Sirius would run to my defense and say that it's not my fault, that none of this is my doing, but he's wrong. I played my part as well. I should have told Remus about my work. I should have let him help, let him be in on the research.
I allow my husband a few moments to shed his tears before getting up. I kneel down in front of him, to explain what my research uncovered. I grab him lightly by his forearms, and I jump when he hisses in pain.
"Remus, what's wrong?" I ask, concerned. "What's the matter with your arms? Let me see." I push up his robes, despite his protests and gasp in horror. "Bloody hell, Remus! What happened?"
I stare at his arms in horror. He has deep gashes across his arms, gashes that look like they were created by a wild animal. He looks away in shame and I ask again. "Remus, tell me what happened? NOW!" I yell when there is no answer forthcoming.
"It was me. I did it."
"How could you…the only way you'd do this is…you did this in werewolf form, didn't you?" I stumble over my words as I unbutton his robes. He protests again, but I ignore his pleas for me to stop.
I choke back a sob as I look down his body. There are the same types of bites and gashes up and down his body. He really worked himself over, and I know that there is more than one night of abuse here. He's done this two nights in a row, without going for healing.
I stand up to grab my wand, which I left on the table by the fireplace. "Oh, Remus, bloody hell! What the hell happened? Severus didn't make the wolfsbane potion this month? The only way you'd do this is without the potion. I'll kill him for this!" I am screaming by the time that I finish, at nobody in particular. I walk back over to my husband, standing in front of him.
Remus puts a hand on my arm. "He made the potion for me, Harry," he whispers.
I look at him in horror, a rage starting to burn in the pit of my stomach. "He made the potion?" Remus nods. "He brought the potion to you?" Another nod. "You didn't take it, did you?" He hesitates slightly before I get another slight nod. That's all it takes for me to lose it.
Remus Alexandre Lupin, what the fuck were you thinking! Why didn't you take the fucking potion? You know what happens when you don't take it! You know you harm yourself!" A new horror dawns on me. I glare at him and he looks away, guilt flooding his face. He knows I know. "You did this on purpose! You did this to punish yourself, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?"
I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, laryngitis be damned. I have never been so angry in my entire life, previous actions of my husband included.
Remus nods. "Yes," he whispers. "I did. I'm sorry, Harry. I didn't want you to know."
"You didn't want me to know!" I yell, pacing back and forth in front of him, green and red sparks flying from the tip of my wand from my anger. "Did you think I wouldn't notice new scars on your body, a body I have mapped out by memory? I know every single scar on your body! You thought I wouldn't noti…" Another light comes on in my head. I turn to stare at him. "You thought I'd never know because you thought I wouldn't ever take you back, is that it?"
Remus looks away, and I know I've hit the truth. It would be so easy for me to hex my husband into the next century. "God, Remus, of all the stupid things anyone could do, this has to be at the top of the list."
I walk back over to my husband and glare down at him. "Lie down on the bed, now! I'm in no mood for any of your protesting. Do it!"
Remus sighs and lies back on the pillows carefully. I go into the bathroom and gather all the things I'll need to tend to his wounds. It's a good thing I was given training as a mediwitch during the war against Voldemort. I can tend his wounds so that he won't have to go to the infirmary.
I place the items I've gathered on the small bedside table and I sit down next to my husband carefully. He looks at me, his eyes begging for forgiveness. If I weren't so angry, I would cry. "If you ever do anything like this again, I'll kill you myself." I say in an answer to his question. The tears fall down his cheeks and I take a tissue and gently wipe them away.
I pick up the potion that Severus made to clean the wounds. Remus almost always has scratches and cuts after a transformation, and Severus makes this potion to prevent infection. "This is going to hurt, Remus. Some of these wounds are deep." I tell him.
I soak a large cotton swab in the potion and start cleaning the wounds one by one. He hisses in pain, and my heart can't help but go out to him. I know it hurts. I try to do this part as quickly as possible. As soon as it's done, I put on the soothing salve Severus made to counteract the pain of the first potion.
When that's done, I pull out my wand and, once the urge to hex my husband for being so stupid is stamped down, I start muttering the necessary healing spells.
After that, I brush on the topical healing potion that would minimize the soreness and the scarring.
By the time I'm finally done, it's an hour and a half later. I put my things back in their places, noting that I need Severus to make more of the potions, since it took most of them to fully heal Remus.
I go and sit back down by my husband, wiping his face with the wet cloth I brought with me. He opens his eyes and looks at me. I can see all the love he feels for me in that one look, and it brings a lump to my throat.
I now know that I was wrong. My husband does love me. It brings me a hope for us that I didn't have. But my anger at his recent stupidity has not been sated.
"I have to leave right now, Remus. I'm so angry with you for hurting yourself, it's taking everything I've got not to hex you into oblivion. I have to go back to Sirius' house. I'm getting the research for you, and I need to show you something before we continue our talk. Then I'm going to go and get your wolfsbane from Severus, and you will take it even if I have to shove it down your throat myself. I'll be back in a couple of hours. I want you to go to sleep. I'll bring you lunch when I return."
"Okay," he says sleepily, his eyes already shutting. I know he hasn't gotten much sleep these last few days. "I love you," he whispers as he drifts off.
"I love you, too," I whisper, leaning down to kiss him lightly on the forehead. I watch him for a few moments, not wanting to leave. He's so beautiful when he's asleep, so angelic.
I brush his hair off of his cheek before I get up and head out the door.